Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #41  
Old 04-08-2012, 12:58 AM
Arrowbound's Avatar
Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Tri-State
Posts: 275
Default

I wanna say I'm surprised your wife initiated something physical with Ahmed after all this but I'm not. She denied you the ability to masturbate and looking at other women. Your self-esteem is not on the up-and-up.
Reply With Quote
  #42  
Old 04-08-2012, 05:10 AM
trescool's Avatar
trescool trescool is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: ontario, Canada
Posts: 59
Default

This is a complex situation and pointing fingers won't help you to emotionally and cognitively deal sort it out. My personal method for dealing with life situations is to ask myself some exploratory questions. So, I hope you will find the following questions helpful for contemplation, even if you choose not to answer them.

I guess my questions for you are:

- What kind of relationship do you ultimately want from this romantic entanglement between Ahmed and your wife? What is your ideal outcome? I haven't really got the sense You or your wife have an answer for that yet. I don't really know what your wife intends from this, other than she is really jumping into something really fast. That's confusing to me because it sounds like you've been open to exploring with her what she wants so there's no need to rush.

What I have learned from previous poly experiences are that when people are entering a relationship with different intentions (ie one person is planning on liberated, sexual freedom, casual sex, sexual exploration) and the other person is looking for something else (ie a longer term potential relationship) people can really get hurt. You earlier wrote that you were afraid Ahmed would get hurt by all this. Is this why you were worried about that?

Secondly, rather than jumping all over conclusions about Ahmed due to his youth and culture, I feel some really important conversations need to happen in all of this. What is he ultimately looking for? Is being with a married woman for some reason a safer choice for him as he explores his new-found freedom in the USA? If so, why? And how can you and your wife keep that space safe for him to explore without being hurt?

You said Ahmed is a virgin, and while he's not specifically religious he grew up in a culture that forbids sex. Ahmed may or may not experience deep feelings for your wife as a result of what has happened. If he does, how do you want to react? What do you want for him? What are you able to offer him? Putting that honestly on the table will likely save all of you a lot of grief. Ie if you can't offer Ahmed a stable relationship because you're still trying to figure out what poly means to you as a couple (which sounds like you are) thentelling him that straight up may help him to make the best decision for himself based off of what his own needs are.

I'm curious that Ahmed fell in love with your wife (your words) knowing that she was married. This suggests to me that he is willing to consider non-traditional roles. What does he want out of this and do you feel comfortable being one of the people (as a part of a couple) who will be providing it?

Look, I don't think it's fair to generalise about Ahmed based off of his youth and culture. You need to talk with the guy about what he is looking for. I feel people on here are jumping the gun a bit assuming that Ahmed will feel one way or the other. Well, you really can't know until you talk to the man how he feels or doesn't feel, or for that matter what his underlying assumptions are about all of this.

I also recommend figuring out what it is you personally are comfortable with in all of this, rather than assuming you have to be OK with whatever your wife wants. It's okay to have boundaries so that the two of you can work through feelings. The fact is, I know that when my boyfriend finds someone he truly loves we will have a lot of talking to do in order to work through all those emotions of insecurity I will likely have. I'm okay with that, I view it as normal. But what I want from my boyfriend is the commitment to work through those emotions with me, so that his relationship with any one else progresses as we also work through those insecurities and strengthen ourbown bond. I believe this is the cornerstone of a healthy poly relationship when two people decide to open their relationship. I hope you can establish such a boundary with yournwife.

And no, I simply don't believe it is too late to have these conversations with your wife and Ahmed.
Reply With Quote
  #43  
Old 04-08-2012, 05:36 AM
KitWalker's Avatar
KitWalker KitWalker is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 27
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by trescool View Post
I'm curious that Ahmed fell in love with your wife (your words) knowing that she was married. This suggests to me that he is willing to consider non-traditional roles. What does he want out of this and do you feel comfortable being one of the people (as a part of a couple) who will be providing it?
Non-traditional according to which tradition? It's really important to keep in mind that your traditions are not necessarily his. Thinking that everyone in the world thinks like you do is a very common American mistake.


Quote:
Look, I don't think it's fair to generalise about Ahmed based off of his youth and culture. You need to talk with the guy about what he is looking for. I feel people on here are jumping the gun a bit assuming that Ahmed will feel one way or the other. Well, you really can't know until you talk to the man how he feels or doesn't feel, or for that matter what his underlying assumptions are about all of this.
There is a whopping assumption in this. What makes you think that having grown up where he did he has the ability to honestly discuss things like this with people other than family? Remember, we are talking about a place where a gynecologist may not look directly at his patient and must use reflection in a mirror. Heck, tons of people in more open societies can't have that kind of talk with anyone...

Besides, he already said he was uncomfortable.

Quote:
I also recommend figuring out what it is you personally are comfortable with in all of this, rather than assuming you have to be OK with whatever your wife wants. It's okay to have boundaries so that the two of you can work through feelings.
This.

Quote:
And no, I simply don't believe it is too late to have these conversations with your wife and Ahmed.
And this.
Reply With Quote
  #44  
Old 04-08-2012, 05:50 AM
metallicagurl84's Avatar
metallicagurl84 metallicagurl84 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Hagerstown MD
Posts: 10
Question I completely agree with trescool..

But also, here is my point of view. Number one, I have been in controlled relationships. Number two, I believe in poly. I have an uncontrolled urning to have a woman lifemate & husband.
The fact that you are so open, but she controls everything down to your own animal instinctive bodily functions tells me that she is a hypocrite & is suppressing you. Why can she masturbate, but you are not permitted? Why is she sexting, but allwayz checks your electronic devices? She sounds like she may be very jealous & possessive. Maybe a guilty conscience or low self-esteem also. You sound like you have two very different views on life that may create problems, huge ones in the future. You're very open to human sexuality, but she controls yours 100% down to what you do to your own body. The way she is persistent about this man, it sounds like she wants a relationship with him too, but you are not even permitted to look at women naked over the internet. Where intact, she is not at risk at all of losing you or getting hurt. I feel she is controlling & taking advantage of your views on sexuality while holding a VERY tight leash on you.
I don't like this situation at all, honestly hunny, I wouldn't be involved with someone like her. I refuse to sacrifice who I am, get hurt & be controlled at the cost of making my other half comfortable & happy.
Relationships are lasting on honesty, trust, openness, respect & mutuality. You're going to have to think long & hard if this is what you want to deal with for the rest of your life. If the way she acts & treats you is worth it. People do strange things for love. But without the above mentioned words, I don't believe any relationship can be a lasting & prosperous one. Friendship & family included.
Take a long hard look.
As for Ahmed, you have to be very careful with that, if he has feelings for her & is a virgin, those feelings will intensify with sexual relations & the whole thing can become VERY messy & explosive & blow up in your face. As his feelings deepen for her, he may change how he feels about sharing her. In the end, he may end up very hurt or completely regret his first experience, which, despite how these days have changed, there are still people out there that take that very sacredly & attach very strong feelings with that first person & experience. When I was 17, I was dating a guy that didn't even give me a first kiss or hold my hand without making it a special moment first. And when the time was coming near, I felt myself liking someone else. So I broke it off before we did anything. I knew I wasn't right for him & didn't want him to regret his first experience or look back at it with bitterness.
I hope you are able to stay strong & make the right choices about who you are & want to be out of this. I don't think ANYONE deserves to sacrifice who they are for someone else.
Blessed be,
Fey @->--
Reply With Quote
  #45  
Old 04-08-2012, 06:35 AM
trescool's Avatar
trescool trescool is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: ontario, Canada
Posts: 59
Default

[QUOTE=KitWalker;131837]Non-traditional according to which tradition? It's really important to keep in mind that your traditions are not necessarily his. Thinking that everyone in the world thinks like you do is a very common American mistake.[\QUOTE].

Who knows maybe having sexual relationships with married women in Saudi Arabia is normal... But, ugh, unless I'm very much mistaken that is a huge taboo, as I seem to remember reading stories about women being stoned to death or publicly lashed for cheating on their husbands. (Not that the men involved are ever charged!) So yeah, I'm pretty sure polyandry isn't traditional in Saudi Arabia....

As for whether or not Ahmed is able to talk about what he wants, we'll At 19 there's no way I had that kind of presence of mind. But without at least trying to encourage his wife to discuss expectations with Ahmed, I don't see how these three are going to be able to in any way be fair to one another.

Unless this is just a one-off sexual fling, in which case, we'll, much ado about nothing and hope that blows over quickly and with as few complications as possible....
Reply With Quote
  #46  
Old 04-08-2012, 08:10 AM
metallicagurl84's Avatar
metallicagurl84 metallicagurl84 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Hagerstown MD
Posts: 10
Question

Quote:
Originally Posted by Heropsychodream View Post
I think the board needs more info on this guy.

This guy is a student here at the school I am a grad student at. He's a freshman. He is a gamer with an extremely good grasp on internet english (In other words, he knows how to herp a derp). He isn't a very good muslim at all (his words) and doesn't pray 5 times a day or believe some of the core tenets of his religion. He still won't eat non-halel meat but that is usually the last thing to go with jews or muslims. I'm an atheist and if I sat him down for 2 hours I could probably (I wouldn't IRL) get him to renounce his religion (in other words, he's on the edge and he really likes our culture here... in fact he wants to stay in the USA).

I fear that he won't care in the end because of this. My wife says that she won't let him do it in a passion situation and I trust her for that. I gotta say that this whole situation has helped us grow a lot as a couple.

Back to the point... I don't really see him as an extremist or a predator. I see him as a confused boy who is probably making a mistake. He says to me that he knows he is being illogical but he can't help feeling attracted to her. He knows it is not in his best interest yet he advances.

*** Also, why in the world does this site log you off if you spend a couple minutes typing a post? Very annoying.
Wow, so he just wants to fuck, knowing it's probably not the best decision... Sounds like any horny male that comes on to an attractive woman, knowing she's married. The only difference is your view on sexuality compared to the average "if you cheat on me, I'll kill him, then you." Hahah if that's the case, do what you will. I still don't think it's right that she sounds so controlling & one-sided, but it's your life & choices. Ultimately, your decision..
Blessed be,
Fey
Reply With Quote
  #47  
Old 04-08-2012, 08:20 AM
metallicagurl84's Avatar
metallicagurl84 metallicagurl84 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Hagerstown MD
Posts: 10
Wink

Quote:
Originally Posted by Heropsychodream View Post
UPDATE from OP:

Guys (and gals), I gotta say this community rocks. After some time to think and knowing of your responses she indeed did reach a new understanding. She now accepts pornography, masturbation, or outside flirting on my part as long as it is not hidden. I still don't really want to partake in those activities right away because frankly I don't have the time lol.


My question now is have any of you dealt with a virgin in a poly-situation and what can I/we possibly do about it? Are these even valid fears? What would you do?
Sorry I'm so random at reading all those posts of yours. I'm getting used to using this site from an android phone. I'm sobhappy to hear that she's calmed down so much on the control thing. That's great. Most people that control to such extent, don't compromise. Trust me, I know.
As for him, he's just odd & confusing, do what you will.
I have already given my take on how to react on bringing in a virgin. But if he just wants a fuck & that's how she feels & you are OK with it, then do as you will. Personally, if I were in your situation, I would say sure, you can if I can. Shoe on the other foot, equality. But that's me.
Blessed be,
Fey
Reply With Quote
  #48  
Old 04-08-2012, 08:35 AM
metallicagurl84's Avatar
metallicagurl84 metallicagurl84 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Hagerstown MD
Posts: 10
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Arrowbound View Post
I asked this in another thread, and I gotta ask here too:

WHY this guy? WHY him?

No one, according to this post I've quoted, is going to benefit from him even being around short-term. Not him. Not you. Not your wife. Frankly all of this sounds horrible. ALL of it. The rational decision is right under your nose yet you insist on future planning and possibilities.

The stove? It's hot. And you're turning up the heat to put your hand in the fire.

None of this makes sense. Apparently no one is considering his best interests here. Y'all need to leave him the hell alone and let him go live life around people who care about his well-being. This stinks of premeditated manipulation.
*nods* I second that notion.
Blessed be,
Fey
Reply With Quote
  #49  
Old 04-08-2012, 03:14 PM
CielDuMatin's Avatar
CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,456
Default

I am pretty certain that this will be my last post on this thread, since it seems like what I am (and others are) saying isn't what the OP wants to hear....

So you came here to look for advice as to your situation - the advice was pretty much the concensus that you should take things slowly and not advance anything with Ahmed until you had some stuff sorted out... within several days of this, your wife is giving him a blowjob on your couch? Way to go slow on this one!

You're heading down a very dangerous path on all sorts of levels, here, and you seem unable or unwilling to get it under control in any meaningful way. But you seem determined to let it continue, so good luck to you.
__________________
Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State
http://www.thebirdcage.org/

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
Reply With Quote
  #50  
Old 04-10-2012, 04:46 PM
shayme's Avatar
shayme shayme is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Central Valley, California
Posts: 4
Default

This whole situation sounds like a trainwreck. I can't imagine it will be a very positive experience for the OP, beside the learning that will (hopefully) come with it. The wife is controlling and manipulating using shame tactics for OP use of porn, masturbation and looking at other women...and the recent concessions that she made seem to be geared toward calming OP down a bit so she can get what she wants for the meantime with the new guy. She could easily revoke it all and reinstate it again when she has another craving. I know this is a negative assessment on my part--but reading OP storyline and relationship dymanic with his wife--A LOT of work needs to be put in for this relationship for it to be healthy...and that's not even considering adding polyamory into the equation!

Best wishes to all involved!
__________________
When business as usual is oppressive and depressing, simply interrupting it is a service to all.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
cultural differences, religion, religious, religious differences

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:37 AM.