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  #21  
Old 04-07-2012, 01:54 AM
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Originally Posted by Heropsychodream View Post
Also, it sounds terrible but if he gets out of hand and he makes crazy threats I strongly believe the police would side with us.
Yes, it does sound terrible. It is outright racist.

I have so little sympathy for you and your wife right now, the way you're behaving. Very selfish. You hope he gets hurt? You can always comfort your wife but be damned to the boy she seduces? You'd use his ethnicity to get him out of your life?

Man, no wonder the Middle East has such a low opinion of Americans, if this is a representative sample. And I say that as a US citizen.
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  #22  
Old 04-07-2012, 04:41 AM
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Seeing the other posts in this thread, I felt the need to comment...even if I'm probably not qualified to give this sort of advice.

I don't really see the problem here. If you feel like you are at a point of understanding and equality with your wife, then it's okay for her to be with Ahmed, but only as long as they both agree that it's not a serious relationship. Because of his religion, he won't have sex with her unless they're married and since she's already married, then this is impossible. Unless he renounces that part of his religion (or his religion entirely) then the relationship will probably not last very long since there's no possibility of sex or marriage. It's very important that everyone understands this.

It's also important that your wife not try to seduce him that way, or give in at the first sign of interest from his part. If he really does believe that sex before marriage is something he shouldn't do, then your wife doing that with him could cause some major conflict. He might change his mind about it later on, but it's definitely NOT something that should happen in the heat of the moment.

I don't feel like it's so bad...but tread carefully. It's real easy to go wrong in this situation.
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  #23  
Old 04-07-2012, 05:57 AM
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Originally Posted by Heropsychodream View Post
I see the danger in this, and so does she, but I think the major turning point will be when he wants a longer term thing. She doesn't know what she wants but is open to having him be a part of our marriage (but doesn't see him fitting into our long term goals). I'm open to it but only if he matures and thinks rationally. He would also have to leave the state with us... and deal with a baby (our goals). I don't see this working long term. He does. Someone's going to get hurt and likely it will be him which I don't mind since everyone has warned him. The wife is hurt less because I can be there for her.

Also, it sounds terrible but if he gets out of hand and he makes crazy threats I strongly believe the police would side with us.
I asked this in another thread, and I gotta ask here too:

WHY this guy? WHY him?

No one, according to this post I've quoted, is going to benefit from him even being around short-term. Not him. Not you. Not your wife. Frankly all of this sounds horrible. ALL of it. The rational decision is right under your nose yet you insist on future planning and possibilities.

The stove? It's hot. And you're turning up the heat to put your hand in the fire.

None of this makes sense. Apparently no one is considering his best interests here. Y'all need to leave him the hell alone and let him go live life around people who care about his well-being. This stinks of premeditated manipulation.
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  #24  
Old 04-07-2012, 09:36 AM
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The issue is not him, his religion, or his virgin status, it is ur marriage and ur relationship with ur spouse. It is not even about polyamory or open marriage.
The way ur wife is trying to control ur sex life, while she remaining absolutely free to do anything. it looks like she is leading u towards cuckolding.
You have to decide whether u want to be a cuckold or otherwise
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  #25  
Old 04-07-2012, 10:04 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Heropsychodream View Post
I don't see this working long term. He does. Someone's going to get hurt and likely it will be him which I don't mind since everyone has warned him. The wife is hurt less because I can be there for her.

Also, it sounds terrible but if he gets out of hand and he makes crazy threats I strongly believe the police would side with us.
Ah, isn't that nice. You are so very kind to let your wife spread her legs for someone you think you might have to call the cops on. How touching that you are considering letting him shove his dick into her because you know you'll be there for her if she is hurting, while not caring one iota about anyone else. What mature, unselfish, rational thinking... NOT!

You all seem to have your heads up your asses. Lots of growing up to do here. Lots.
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Last edited by nycindie; 04-07-2012 at 10:06 AM.
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  #26  
Old 04-07-2012, 04:30 PM
Heropsychodream Heropsychodream is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Arrowbound View Post
The stove? It's hot. And you're turning up the heat to put your hand in the fire.
UPDATE FROM OP:

Things took a turn last night. I started feeling really nervous about this whole thing but decided it was because I married my wife because she fits with my life goals. He doesn't fit at all and I'd be forced to change if this was long term. My wife and I agreed to talk about this with ahmed on sunday. He is spending the weekend on our couch.

I had a few drinks to get comfortable last night. My wife also had some. Ahmed didn't of course. We actually had a lot of fun and laughed a whole lot. At 3 am I went to the bedroom and crashed and they stayed up talking and playing cards.

Some time later she comes in our bedroom and begins riding me! She was very wet before anything ever happened. I got off, cleaned up, and re-passed out. In the morning I opened my eyes and asked her if her and ahmed got any further last night. She says she made out with him and gave him head. I said "sounds hot" and tried to go back to sleep.

I need help from other monos here. That first time... The act itself doesn't logically bother me, in fact its a bit of a turn on, but my gut... it just hurts. I know she came onto him... but she came back to me right after. There are no words for this emotion. In the morning it felt like madness as my mind flitted everywhere... it was like my thoughts were unable to stop sliding. I'm beginning to think that maybe there IS a possibility for me to be hurt out of this. I'm considering just putting a stop to this but this is solely my issue... I don't know if it is jealousy, fear, or what but I should have the strength to confront it because many of you had to. Stopping it would be selfish but I know my wife would do it but she would be sad. In your responses, please focus on the emotional aspect of this and less on saying how bad the situation is... I think that is group consensus by now.

P.S. That comment about calling the police on him was less racist and more driven by fear... It feels like a rope as I enter a dark cave. He's honestly a nice guy.

Last edited by Heropsychodream; 04-07-2012 at 05:06 PM.
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  #27  
Old 04-07-2012, 04:57 PM
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Had you and she agreed at this point that it was ok for her to have sex (oral, in this case) with him? Sorry, a little confused on that point in the story. The last I recall about agreements was that sexting was ok and you guys were going to work out the rest.
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  #28  
Old 04-07-2012, 04:59 PM
Heropsychodream Heropsychodream is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Had you and she agreed at this point that it was ok for her to have sex (oral, in this case) with him? Sorry, a little confused on that point in the story. The last I recall about agreements was that sexting was ok and you guys were going to work out the rest.

Whoops sorry,

Yeah, No penetration until the end of june. No rules were broken on her side and I actually prefer that it was done in the living room and not at his place.
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  #29  
Old 04-07-2012, 05:11 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Gotcha. It's normal to feel what you're feeling. Lots of people seem to be ok with an open relationship in theory but then still feel pain, betrayal, jealousy, what have you when they first have to actually deal with it. It's something you work on, with your partner's help. It seems like for many it's a phase that passes with time as long as their partner sticks to agreements and is sensitive and supportive. For a few, unfortunately, it doesn't seem to go away and they end up realizing they can't do open/poly.

Good resources here, under the Jealousy & Insecurity tab on the sidebar: http://www.morethantwo.com/
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  #30  
Old 04-07-2012, 05:30 PM
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Think about the fact that you and she both needed a few alcoholic drinks in order to handle things. That is a red flag, and indicates you are both not ready for poly yet. You should be able to act in a clear-headed state and face the truth of a situation in the moment, and to be able to make choices without booze clouding your judgment.

You do realize that most couples take a year or more to get from the stage of thinking about polyamory to actually doing anything like having an additional sexual partner. Why are you in such a hurry?
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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