Moving on in life

vodkafan

New member
Hi all. After my big Poly disaster (that was in reality my wife having an affair) and the end of my marriage 9 months ago I have dated a little bit but mostly spent that time on my own just healing up I guess. But now things have moved on and I have met somebody else I like. I intend it to be a mono -mono relationship. :D
So why am I back here?
Because the year I was in a Poly thing taught me a lot about myself. All self knowledge is useful.
But there is another reason. In one way (in large part because of our children) my wife (we are not divorced) and I are still in a sort of relationship . I have to see her and talk to her everyday. We go to the gym together and co-operate over the schooling of the kids. She is in fact extremely jealous and dismayed at the fact I have got someone new, but that is her problem really. I don't rub her face in it and I tell her as little as possible.
My new lover has also told me she is a jealous type. I see that as her problem really , jealousy of course comes from insecurity and I hope she will get better as we go on. She seems to have felt more secure the last couple of weeks.
Anyway, I am rambling a bit. I just might pop in and discuss stuff as it comes up. If nobody minds.
 
welcome back,

Glad things are looking up for you....it's nice to hear...and thanks for the update.

How are your kids handling all of this?

Are you working toward a divorce?
 
Why do you say that your poly stuff was really an affair? I'm sure you discussed it before and if you know which posts link me and I'll gladly read through it. I took a quick surf and didn't find it though so here I am.

Was her relationship permitted?

Do you still get along?

Was there anything going on behind your back?

Just trying to figure this all out. Good luck in your new relationship.
 
Vodkafan, you're always welcome here, whether you are mono or poly or what-have-you! I've missed your insights, and I am glad you have found the strength to move on and start over, and glad to see you posting here again.


KyleKat, if you click on a member's name you can see a link to all their posts or visit their profile and see all the threads they've started (under "Statistics").
 
Vodkafan, you're always welcome here, whether you are mono or poly or what-have-you! I've missed your insights, and I am glad you have found the strength to move on and start over, and glad to see you posting here again.


KyleKat, if you click on a member's name you can see a link to all their posts or visit their profile and see all the threads they've started (under "Statistics").

I know but I am typically on my phone and there are quite a few posts to sift through. I'll search again.
 
welcome back,

Glad things are looking up for you....it's nice to hear...and thanks for the update.

How are your kids handling all of this?

Are you working toward a divorce?

Hi dingedheart,

I don't think the kids are doing so well, the eldest daughter especially.
She has told me that she does not want a divorce. I have left it at that. I told her I didn't want to separate anyway so is she wishes to take steps to end our marriage she must do it. I am struggling quite a bit financially so I have problems of my own.
 
Why do you say that your poly stuff was really an affair? I'm sure you discussed it before and if you know which posts link me and I'll gladly read through it. I took a quick surf and didn't find it though so here I am.

Was her relationship permitted?

Do you still get along?

Was there anything going on behind your back?

Just trying to figure this all out. Good luck in your new relationship.

Hi Kylekat,

I looked at my old posts but I have forgotten how to do a link. But, to be honest I don't feel they have much value anyway as I was deluding myself the whole time anyway.

My wife started the affair 3 months before I found out. When it came out she lied and told me it was not sexual at that time. In fact she had been having unprotected sex from the word go. She had also lied to him over many things. So no, I didn't give her permission to change our marriage.

I came up with the Polyandry idea to try to save our marriage. She used to live with me for 4 days and with him in his house for 3 days. I had to try to work and look after the children in those 3 days.

We struggled through that for 9 months .

I used the word Affair as that was her own word for it after the whole arrangement fell apart. She allowed me to call it whatever made me happy so long as she could carry on seeing him. I was very stupid.

We already had 6 children. She had the affair purposely to have another child after she knew I did not want any more. We do not know the paternity of the new baby.

We get along fine so long as we never discuss anything important. Hope this helps.
 
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" looking up" I'm not sure I characterized that right after reading your last comments....that might be subjective. The comment about healing and meeting someone new got me thinking on upward glide path for you . But the reality is you will still have headaches and heartaches because of the continual tangle that you have. I know I've have similar situation .

I remember you life going sideways and things falling apart but I don't remember her being impregnated during it.....was that in there or did that come about after the blow up?

Why haven't you discover the paternity. What do the birth records say? Aren't you defacto on the hook unless proven otherwise until the kid reaches majority.

Where is she living now?

What happened to the BF? Whats his position on the child?
 
Vodkafan, I am just glad you are healing, getting on with your life, and posting again. I am sure answering questions or retelling what happened is difficult. Remember, you can always send PMs. :)


But the reality is you will still have headaches and heartaches because of the continual tangle that you have. I know I've have similar situation .

It makes sense that you would empathize, DH. You and VF should go out for some beers together!
 
" Why haven't you discover the paternity. What do the birth records say? Aren't you defacto on the hook unless proven otherwise until the kid reaches majority.

Where is she living now?

What happened to the BF? Whats his position on the child?

Hi dinged, well, the other guy dumped her when she got pregnant. At the time I thought we would survive, because the whole time of our "poly" she told me that she wanted the marriage, right? But then after 12 weeks of her basically being a crazy person and telling me that we were over I got worn down, threw in the towel and moved out for the sake of the kids . Even after this I took her to all the scans and hospital appointments.
But then she had him at the birth.
She had lied to me (only one of many lies) and told me that a female friend had came from France to be with her at the birth. I found out the truth when he texted me to gloat and wind me up.
However, I have since worked out that he only did that because he was jealous of me; he does not have things his way.
My wife lives in our old house . (which I part own)with all the kids except the one at university.
He lives in his flat and I live in mine
She doesn't want to live with anybody. She doesn't want a divorce either. She doesn't want to know who's baby it is. The Birth certificate has been left blank.
I know that we (me and the other guy) both visit the baby at different times. Although I believe I see her more because I come and go at the house most days to see my children.
I think this is because if he finds out the baby is mine he will not want to know; If I find out the baby is his I will not want to know.
I have my own problems so I have not pushed anything; the baby is small and will be around a long time, there will be time later to sort things out.
Babies just need love.
 
Why is she resistant to divorce? She told you the relationship was over... and doesn't want to live with you or anyone, etc , etc... so whats the motivation to stay legally hooked??? Money ...or So you cant remarry? In my case my wife want to "dedicate " the rest of her life to make it up to me and the kids and start over. Not going to happen but that's her motivation for not wanting a divorce.

Does the BF kick in any money towards the child or expenses?

So you were good enough to cart her around to all the appointments but not needed at the birth....nice. Did you ever confront her with that?

Did you see the Birth certificate? Or is this what you were told? The child's last name was blank or her maiden Name.?
 
Hi Dinged, yes I saw the Birth Certificate. The space for father's name is left blank. However the baby has my surname, as she wanted it to be the same as all the other children's.

I have no idea why she does not want a divorce, or anything about the other guy's relationship with the baby, as we don't discuss anything important at the moment.

It is sort of like we have both pulled back to lick our wounds and recover.
 
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