Quad relationship

Marco

New member
Hello all,

I am currently involved in a quad relationship which includes my wife and another married couple. We've been at it for a year and up until recently, everything has been pretty good I must admit. So in the meantime I've been researching as much as possible.....browsing forums for insight, hopefully good advice and what not. I've been coming across some pretty interesting stories and so far it seems like quad situations are the least attempted/hardest to maintain. And even though things are not looking so good for the home team, we've been resilient enough to keep it alive somehow (barely). Anyhow, thank you for taking the time to read this. I'll be here, reading the postings. I just wanted to make sure I introduce myself.

Marco

By the way...for anyone interested about the details of my situation. Please feel free to read the rest by clicking below....
 
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Marco,

Welcome to the forum. I would agree with you that I don't see many quads around, but I wonder if that's more because it's just uncommon rather than because it is more difficult to do.

I have a friend who is in a quad, but that's not two couples, more one couple, each of which has an OSO.
 
we are currently in a quad...have been for 2 years. Damn its hard. I love them so, I love my husband so...but I'm not sure how much longer we can do it, but when we call it off, my heart is broken..........
 
The evolution of our quad

I've been in a quad going on 5 years now; however, it has changed over time. My partner and I (18 years) formed a quad with another couple (11 years); after about two years they broke up but stayed friends, continued to share finances, and they stayed (individually) lovers with us. So it became more like an N, or 2 Vs connected. We are now undergoing further changes and you can read about this (and other musings) on my blog at www.venusaquarius.com. I think it is a huge challenge to find partners who all share a willingness and interest in being poly at a sustainable level. However, I know it can be good, it can be challenging and it can work. Good luck!
 
maybe not so unique afterall?

Read your blog and I loved it! We were once like your quad in many ways. I won't say our quad failed, I just think the difficulties were too much for some. I bet a lot of people are situationally poly - they fall in love with someone already partnered, and become part of a group. If one is situationally poly, as opposed to 'politcally poly', say, it will be hard to transition. When things get rough, the taboo against poly and the huge bias towards mono, combined with the really hard work it takes to sustain poly, likely will result in a retreat toward comfortable, acceptable mono- land. Some people are likewise situationally gay or bi - it happens once and is fun, but it may be hard to sustain amidst the societal backlash. But back to your blog - it is very fun to read, has lovely pictures, and your experiences are likely to resonate with many.
 
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I bet a lot of people are situationally poly - they fall in love with someone already partnered, and become part of a group.
I never thought of it before but I'd agree. It would seem more likely that's how most Poly relationships begin...as actively pursuing one would probably difficult. Imagine the conversations with new acquaintances or long-time friends, "So....have you ever heard of Polyamory?" I'm sure that wouldn't work out in too many cases. Lol.

Oh, and thank you. It's still a work in progress.
 
Hi. We have been in a quad relationship for about a year now. It has grown stronger over time and I feel some of the bonds getting stronger than others. Specifically I feel stronger feelings for the other man than my girlfriend feels for my husband. We have set a rule that we can not "swap" original partners (me with her husband and vice versa) without a third present. Think that may prevent some jealousy issues. So I have been with her alone, my husband alone, but only her husband when she or both others are present. This is frustrating for me at times, but I think it is a good rule. So far so good, but it is scary for me. My feelings are very strong and I am scared someone will be hurt in the end.
 
Mr. Marco, please respond :)

Hello all,

I am currently involved in a quad relationship which includes my wife and another married couple. We've been at it for a year and up until recently, everything has been pretty good I must admit. So in the meantime I've been researching as much as possible.....browsing forums for insight, hopefully good advice and what not. I've been coming across some pretty interesting stories and so far it seems like quad situations are the least attempted/hardest to maintain. And even though things are not looking so good for the home team, we've been resilient enough to keep it alive somehow (barely). Anyhow, thank you for taking the time to read this. I'll be here, reading the postings. I just wanted to make sure I introduce myself.

Marco

By the way...for anyone interested about the details of my situation. Please feel free to read the rest by clicking below....


HI MARCO! I am one of your biggest fans. I had read your beautiful blog several years ago, polamory Love Story. I was recently telling my husband about it and tried searching for it everywhere. I just wasted the last hour of my life trying to find it searching images to see if there would be any I remembered from the blog, ANYTHING. I remember the titles, and even tried to search by those. My wife has a boyfriend, Polyamory everywhere, Mr. Marco, please step up.... I finally came across your name here. Now, I realize you must have deleted your blog. I know you left off the last blog with having finally shown your blog to your partners, and feeling like you were offering a gift that was shattered on the floor due to their disapproval. Did you delete it then? Was that the reason why? It was such a beautiful contribution - so candid, heart felt... so intriguing. I guess now, I'm wondering, do you still have it somewhere? Can you send it to me so I can show my husband? Whatever happened to the "Quad"???
 
There is a good reason why everyone in a quad says it's hard and why most end up failing. Almost all of them at least change and they will say it didn't fail but just changed. Sorry but that is a failure. If two couple end up anything other than still couples together then that is a failure. The reason is simple. Humans can't help but be selfish. If people were selfless, in other words cared only about others feelings and had no regard for their own, there would never once be a misunderstanding or someone wanting the other partner more than their own or jealousy over who wants who and all that. Sex is a very dangerous thing in the hands of selfish people and finding a human that is not selfish is like finding Bigfoot. The kicker is if you ever do find a unselfish person they likely will NOT be in a poly relationship. I believe a lot of people go poly for the wrong reasons instead of the right ones. Reading many of these stories you can almost see who the most selfish ones are in the relationship and it isn't hard to see what the final outcome is going to be.
 
I prefer to independently develop relationships. If my boyfriend fell for a married woman, fine, but I don't want the pressures of trying to fall in love with the husband. And then oftentimes jealousy breaks the quad apart even if I AM willing to risk it to begin with.
 
PolyFi Quad

It has been a while since I have lurked/posted on the forums. Yes, Quads are rare but there are a few us out there. :)

I chimed in to say that success is possible and we are proof of that.

Completely by accident, my wife and I joined another couple over 2 1/2 yrs now and all I can say we are all truly and utterly happy. We are all together almost every night (dinners, chores, etc...), kids sport activities, etc... all very normal day to day life stuff. It's nice having 4 chefs as well! The kids from both families love our lifestyle, they get tons of support, love and attention.

As "married" couples, we live separately (for now) but in the same town so getting together all the time is easy. We treat each other as primaries in every way so sleeping arrangements are also 100% equal. We have no boundaries and we have recently come out to our closest friends and family which is still a work in progress.

Our course a complex relationship like a quad requires some work, a lot of communication but we all love it and could not imagine our lives without each other. Once you have taken care the majority of your own jealousy issues, the compersion and love that remains is very powerful and its growth is limitless. We all have our bad days too like everyone else but that's very normal.

Almost 2 years ago I found another quad on this forum with virtually the same experiences/issues we were facing. They helped us a great deal and provided a ton of perspective.

If any quads wish to reach out to me please feel free. It's always great to hear and share experiences.

~S
 
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Sexual tension with best friends finally came out.

After several years of friendship with a couple my wife and I are very close with, things finally came to a head. One night recently everyone concented to having a little fun. Boundaries were set and no one felt uncomfortable. Since then everyone has talked separately, but no conversation between all four person's has taken place. How do we approach the next step in this relationship? I'm freaking out but excited to explore new options if everyone agree's.
 
After several years of friendship with a couple my wife and I are very close with, things finally came to a head. One night recently everyone concented to having a little fun. Boundaries were set and no one felt uncomfortable. Since then everyone has talked separately, but no conversation between all four person's has taken place. How do we approach the next step in this relationship? I'm freaking out but excited to explore new options if everyone agree's.

Lang that's how it happened with our group... we were close friends for years before anything happened. I remember how confusing and exciting it was the days following our first time. First someone needs to be bold and suggest a group face-to-face convo... it is very important although expect it to be very hard and awkward, or you may just find you're all laughing about it the entire time. At the beginning we tried to have F2F group meetings that as often as we could because we felt like a bunch of deviants. Then we found out what Poly was, came to this forum and learned we were not alone.

Separate 1on1 convo's tend to get lost in translation and create even bigger problems esp. between spouses. If you can't do the face to face thing, group text chats are 2nd best. For us it's our #1 method of communication between on a day to day basis.

Good luck!
~S
 
Thank you!

All seems good on the communication between my wife and I, other husband and I, my wife and other husband. The other wife is having a hard time with embarrassment and seems to not want any communication between her and I right now. At least regarding this issue. I guess my best approach would be time and respecting our friendship until she is ready to have this conversation. She is a hard person to read and doesn't drop her guard often.
 
Yes I would agree with that approach.

I don't know much about your background or how it happened. I remember how confusing the first few months were. I found it easier to rationalize "a FWB only" situation. 6mo later we all found there was far more deep seated feelings than we wanted to admit. Then all hell broke loose LOL!

If she is a Type A personality for example, people like that (ie. me :)) like to be in control of your own emotions. When they find themselves in a confusing situation they cannot control they'll either get more aggressive or withdraw for a period of time. Perhaps that's happening? Her husband is best equipped to help in this situation.

You are doing the right thing by giving time and space.

Have any of you ever done anything like this before? Experience in swinging?

~S
 
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Why me!

My wife and I have always been or willing to be adventurous. I'm open to any heterosexual situation as long as she complies or is involved. My wife is the frisky one, open to any situation, Not afraid of a challenge. She's been humping my leg all week since our romantic endeavor last Thursday. The other husband is the experienced one, prior to his marriage. Between college and traveling for work in the past, I'm surprised his dick never broke off. His wife, very flirtatious and highly educated. (Attorney) her eyes and body language could cause a old mad to stroke out. Dangerous!! She knows what she's wants, but needs alcohol to let her guard down. I've been given the challenge of the complicated self conscious other wife.
My buddy's only problem, other then being to smart for his own good. Is the inability to not beat a dead horse when he wants something. Causing major issues for his wife and forcing distance on her. So he leaves all conversations for my wife to handle when he fucks up. Weird dynamics! All our kids are like brothers and sisters their 3 boys our 3 girls all the same age. The four of us act like one big married family without the sexual benefits. Or until last weekend!
Now you see why I need help!
 
No worries

Thanks for the additional background Lang. It's doesn't sound like much of a problem from my POV.

In fact it sounds very, very familiar. Both myself and the other wife were the adventurous ones. My wife and the other husband where at least 3 gears slower... at the beginning. Everyone should keep pace with the slowest runner.

You guys all went from a close monogamous relationships to a PolyFi situation overnight... it is a big transition for everyone. Some react very differently than others. She may be feeling very vulnerable deep down, and maybe a bit fearful. Her husband sounds excited (pushy) about the new situation being close with your wife (the other women) that can have a negative effect on everyone. It took my very reserved wife ages to get over the deep feelings of jealousy and possessiveness (fear and insecurity). I had to work hard to reassure her that she is good enough, that will always love her deeply, that she will always be important and special to me.

You all need to communicate a lot and get your feelings out in the open. If it takes a few drinks to get her to open up, then so be it. My wife was the same way. Maybe take her out one evening to the local pub, have a few drinks and try to get her talk. Opposites attract but similar personalities speak the same language. If your personalities are similar that's a big plus.

Its funny that your "family" was so close prior to last weekend. It's the same with our group. Our families hung out with each other 3-4 days/week before we were Poly. Now we see each other every day. It's pretty cool once you figure things out... your kids already think they are all one big family. You are way ahead!

Our first 18 months... we learned to expect 2 steps forward 1 step back (those back steps were really tough sometimes :))

~S
 
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