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Old 04-02-2012, 01:14 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,515

I agree it's an emergency but for you not necessarily for her. Does she have a history of mental instability? I reject the idea that people acting selfish and stupid need automatic counseling. She is aware of the years and time invested in the relationship.....and the commitments she made to you. She's made a choice....this new lifestyle is clearly more important.....more fun ...more fulfilling and thus that's her focus. I've been told a million times Bdsm is consensual fun among adults.

Two key words consensual and adult. Maybe its a grand expression of choice. She finally found herself which is great....enjoy.

And on the other hand if this does break bad let the adults who caused it clean it up. Adults are responsible for there decisions and actions.....especially consensual ones.

When you started dating and got married were you looking to have an outside controling force fucking with the internal workings of your marriage and wife?......

What's your up side? What do you get out of this ....some fraction of a relationship...with a strange power dynamic.

Last edited by dingedheart; 04-02-2012 at 01:29 PM.
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Old 04-02-2012, 04:31 PM
Saide Saide is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 5

It seems to me that there alot of issues in play here. Her depression and declining self esteem made her a perfect subject for a domineering (not dominant) and manipulative connection with this "friend" who'd come out of a bitter divorce.

Over the years and at the many BDSM events I've attended in the US - I have witnessed first hand abusers and manipulators wearing the guise of "dominant" and they do not take submissives so much as hostages. Their need to control and micromanage is to my mind disturbing. And the relationships of this kind are abusive and damaging physically and psychologically. A dominant with integrity, poly or otherwise would not take on a submissive who is in a diminished emotional state NOR would they insist that submissive have non-consensual sex with another. A sincere dominant would make sure a submissive gets the care they need before proceeding with any deeper emotional or sexual connection. A sincere dominant might have contacted you to express his concerns and offer to help in finding your wife the care she needs before proceeding to anything else.

Your wife's depression needs diagnosis and treatment because until that is addressed, how can the veracity of her dicissions be determined? If you determine that she is a danger to herself by being in an abusive relationship then perhaps an intervention could benefit her. Judging from your message, you are a nuturing partner dealing with a dizzying number of issues simultaneously. Remember to take care of yourself too. All the players in this situation are adults and need to take responsibility for their actions. If a medical intervention is warranted for your wife and you are alright with that, fine. If not you need to let her go, with love. Let her go do what she needs to do; let her know you love her but you will not accept living in this situation any longer. Knowing and establishing your own boundaries and limits - be clear about under what circumstances she would be welcome back in your life if at all. The relationship with your wife is not a one way street; it is not imperative you to do all the care and work in the relationship. At some point she will have to accept responsibility for her own decisions.

Sometimes not making a decision is more painful than finally taking action.
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Old 04-02-2012, 09:14 PM
OutsiderLookingIn OutsiderLookingIn is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 2

First of all, I'd like to extend a thank you to all of you that did reply, as I wasn't quite sure what type of a response I would get (if any) being both non-poly, and a new member of the forums. I have read and re-read all of the posts, bookmarked all of the links provided, and plan on reading as much as I can to better my situation with my wife.

As for the general consensus, I will have to agree with the majority of you that I view the current actions this man has taken with my wife as psychologically abusive. However, any such expression of such a view point from me to her is not taken kindly. She has, and more than likely will, defend his position for him. It does not mean that she doesn't see it for herself tho, as she did tell me when the whole situation came up, she started to think if she was making a mistake being with him at all. All I know from this current predicament is from her, as since this has all happened, I am refusing to speak to or with him.

She has also expressed that she does not wish for our relationship to be that of a sub/dom one. According to her, she is happy with our marriage as is. Any such attempts from me otherwise has been and will continue to be frowned upon, not to mention discussed with him as a form of intrusion.

The more specific questions below:

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
What did the ex wife say about him? It sounds like he has some issues about control to work out.
From what my wife told me, not much. She got his side of the story years later after the divorce, probably during the past 6 months they have been talking. As for his ex-wife, all I'm certain about is they have no salvageable relationship, even for the sake of their children. According to my wife, he told her there was control issues in the marriage, but they were mainly hers, and she was back and forth as to his Poly lifestyle. However, such statements have to have the source (i.e. him) also considered.

Originally Posted by Icewraithonyx View Post
Big question: has your wife done any research about what polyamory is and isn't? If she hasn't, I would suggest that you support her in polyamory by strongly suggesting she start there.
According to her letter, and the time she has opened up to tell me about the months leading up to the letter, most of, if not all of the information she knows of Poly relationships has either come directly from him, or from resources provided by him. I've asked her to explain certain aspects of it to me, and every time she claims she "cannot describe it, but you should just look it up".

Originally Posted by drtalon View Post
Non-violent communication can help, if you have any experience with the idea. Writing letters to me (or just writing her thoughts out for herself) works best for my current partner when she doesn't have the emotional energy/will/wherewithall for a face-to-face discussion.
My wife does prefer to communicate difficult subject matter in letter form. I normally prefer she talks with me about such matters, and letters can be viewed as impersonal, and somewhat cold. However, seeing how she already under a ton of stress due to other outside influences, I have told her if she feels the need to write me letters under she feels more at ease, I would be ok with that. I always reassure her when I ask questions, I'm asking for my own knowledge, and not in an act of confrontation, which is how she has been viewing it as of lately. Our communications about this has been and continues to improve as we do it more often.

Originally Posted by LotusesandRoses View Post
I think before she (or you) explore this lifestyle, a sex-friendly, poly-friendly marital counselor is in order.
I had mentioned a couples or marriage counselor to her before. As with a such an arrangement for just her, she is open to the Idea of counseling, but wants a therapist that is knowledgeable of Poly, and she reassured me that any such counseling will not detract her desire to seek out a relationship with this man.

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
As a last resort, you could sign her into a psychiatric hospital or ward, citing that she's become a danger to herself as long as you can show proof that she put herself in harm's way. As her husband, you could do that.
I appreciate the input here, however if I'm trying to salvage my marriage, I think having her committed might be pushing the envelope a little too far over the edge.

Any future input is greatly appreciated, and will not be wasted, as I'm doing the best I can with what I'm given.
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Old 04-08-2012, 06:03 AM
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trescool trescool is offline
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: ontario, Canada
Posts: 59
Default Help can come in many forms

Well, whatever happened to good old fashioned boundaries?

Like, maybe it's NOT okay for her to bring their relationship inside your house (ie wearing a collar). Ummm, Hello? This is your relationship with your wife too! Sounds to me like this ass is getting off on intruding on your life and relationship with your wife! It's okay to say no way are we bringing that into our house together. I would NEVER stand for that, that is an intrusion into what you value with your wife, your relationship. You may not be able to convince her not to do these things, but you can continually tell her that you are NOT comfortable with it and that you don't want anything to do with it inside your house and inside the space your wife and you have built up over years spent together. That's not his space, and I think asking your wife to keep their kinky sex outside of your shared space is a completely appropriate boundary.

Secondly, this depression sounds like it's really affecting your wife. Beyond counseling she may wish to go to her doctor and explain she has been experiencing withdrawal from all her friends, in addition to whatever life stresses you are going through and see if she can get on some medications.

I'd share your concerns with your wife and ask her to discuss with you what she's looking for in a poly relationship. Maybe she needs some reassurance that. You're willing to work towards this in a consensual manner, where you both discuss your needs and visions foe the future.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds horrible.
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Old 04-09-2012, 12:17 AM
SimonSays SimonSays is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: orlando FL
Posts: 6

The quote that stands out in my head is "no functional adult should attempt to control the emotions of another functional adult", Ethical Slut

However, I also believe the only thing that makes any marriage work is 100% honesty. In my opinion this sounds more like an affair (even without the sex she withheld information, which to me means she didn't trust you fully).

I am not sure how to help you in this, but my advice is this. It is very important for us to be honest, that's what people say when the basis of a relationship is "communication" what they mean, I believe is honesty. I don't think she should have kept these letters a secret from you. I wouldn't do that with my wife or our partner (we are in a trinogamous relationship with a bi woman).

If i were you, I would have a very serious talk with her that moving forward you need to be honest 100% with each other. The commitment is that in that contract of honesty you have to also take responsibility for hurt, anger, jealousy, own that and not take that out on her. In our experience with poly relationships or swinger relationships the most VITAL element to maintain truth and honesty, be honest about your feelings, and just never try to tell someone their emotions are not valid. We can't control how we FEEL or become attached to others, we can control how we act based on that. Her actions were dishonest.

Buddha said clinging to anger is like gripping a hot coal with the intent to throw it at someone, you will get burned. I believe in forgiveness, but I also believe you can't forgive until someone realizes how their dishonesty hurt you and asks for forgiveness. Once you have worked past the dishonesty (which can be difficult) and move towards fierce commitment to truth, and open communication, then you can choose if monogamy is what you ARE as a couple (in other words, if she enters another relationship SHE is choosing him over you). If that is the reality you may lose her.

If you can see one of the most important truths in life I believe which is from the book "Ethical Slut" (a book that REALLY could help you A LOT), "Love is not a starvation economy". TIME is though, and if you need her time, she will have to figure out how to balance that, as far as love goes though, when you love someone you love them, and it's possible to love your wife, and your kids and your parents completely... it is also possible to share romantic love, and unlike starvation economies where it is divided, it can even grow stronger.

Our love for our partner boned my wife and I MORE not less, we are more thankful to each other, and the addition of a third has brought more love into this house. It's just a question of breaking out of the mold of "normal" societal imposed monogamy (which in evolutionary terms is actually not natural for any mammals including humans, and a relatively recent development).

I think if your wife means enough to you, if you truly LOVE her, rather than want to possess her, if you can get past the idea that you can only love one person, and get past the idea that love is not divided it just grows to accommodate then total honesty is the only hurdle. In fairness you should see how she would feel if put in your place. It is important for your health, security, etc... that you know she isn't just wanting to "try this guy on" before she leaves you. If it's truly poly, and it's a relationship she needs to see through, then opening up and letting go may be the only way to keep the love you have. It's a difficult situation you are in. I would strongly recommend you read "Open", and "Ethical Slut" both books will give you amazing insight and even coping mechanisms.
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