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Old 03-14-2010, 05:08 AM
BrandyManhattan BrandyManhattan is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 4
Post An update.

So. . .I had posted about first wife wanting to swap rooms with me, resulting in me bunking with hubby and her having the single bed in the room I have been living in for over a year now. This cerated a lot of fear in me, fear that it was just a safer way or middle step before she left the hubby altogether. Pretty much to me it was a sign of giving up completely.

Well, the room swap didn't happen. She went to a therapy session to better help her decide on what to do. And I think she came out of it deciding to go through with it but upon telling hubby her final decision he got to the root of it and come to find out it is more of how I keep my room that she was after.

It is usually clean and I have a little desk and I am artistic so I have made the windows into faux stained glass and I keep an alter (buddhist) on the shelf above my bed and have inspirational words and art on my walls along with family photos. It took me a long time to get my room this way, I have feng shuid it as much as I can with the limits I have to work with. There is a positive vibe there for me most of the time. it is a sanctuary for me.

This wasn't easy to create. There used to be a t.v. / DVR and DVD player in there. And it annoyed me because it was where the kids were always at if they were to watch movies and such. I think that should be taken place in the "family" room. Also hubby protested when I removed the tv since he likes watching movies and such as well, but he does have the abilty to do so in either the living room or master bedroom. The sound of electronics annoys the hell out of me. Even when the DVR was off it was hella noisy. Not ideal to fall asleep or meditate to. Don't get me wrong I am not a neat freak. As we speak there is more than one pile of laundry that has taken over my bedroom floor. But I don't stress over it any more like I used to. I know I will get to it when I want to, and I don't concern myself with if it bothers any one else any more. As well as messes in the rest of the house, I don't stress about them any more. I figure if it bothers ME. . .I will take care of it or ask some one to do so.

The other wife is not a cleaner. Hubby and I both grew up in families where once a week or so it was house cleaning day. Where floor boards got wiped down and fans were dusted, tubs scrubbed out etc. I have yet to see her clean a thing other than her bathroom sink and she does dishes pretty consistently. Unless hubby mentions something to her, she has no interest that there is an inch of dust on something. And with 3 dogs a cat and 2 kids. . .I am sorry but things get messy quick. But I don't let it bother me. Like I said I let it be or I take care of it myself.

Recently it has been reinforced that what hubby and I do or talk about is between us and what he and first wife do is between her and him only. This is hard for me because it is like he is two different people. When it is just him and I in the house we are flirty and fun and affectionate. When first wife comes home it is as if that becomes her time and hubby goes into barely talking to me let alone showing any affection. Now I know this is not due to any shame he feels, it is likely from not wanting t make HER uncomfortable. The two of them are not in an intimate place and it has been in the past that any PDA would create static if scene by her. But it is making ME uncomfortable because what I see as the real person goes away when she is home. Makes me feel like he can't be himself if she is around. I spoke to him about this last night and he said he wasn't aware of how it was making me feel and said he would make efforts to not cause this type of feeling any more. I trust that he will, but fear how SHE is going to react to it. I guess I shouldn't concern myself with that, I should only concern myself on what I want and if she reacts negatively that is something that is on her to work out within herself.

Well that is my little bit of everything for now. I hope all is well in the little fish bowls of poly guppies out there. Till next time.

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Old 03-14-2010, 04:25 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231

Hi Brandy,

Ouch - unfortunate (and unhealthy) environment.
Pretty standard fare though. There's tension between them. Something is dangling unprocessed.
Only two likely outcomes.......
It either comes out and gets processed or it continues to fester until something explodes.
Not easy to be the middle person in such a dynamic but if you are brave enough you might want to call a 3 way "sit-down, let's talk and see if it can surface and get processed" meeting. As an offer of help to THEM - not from your own discomfort. If it's perceived as "all about you" things won't likely come out.

Good luck !

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