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  #11  
Old 03-28-2012, 07:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by km34 View Post
Actions speak louder than words. If you act the same towards her as you always have, then that is going to override you saying "this is a problem."
This. Until you make it her problem, she won't see that there is a problem.
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  #12  
Old 03-28-2012, 11:24 PM
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As everyone has figured out by now, the real issue is is that she isn't being completely honest. The question is, why? You've both agreed that it's okay to be involved with others. It could be a lot of things, but my best guess is that she feels that what she is doing is not okay. What reasons could she have for this? When she does tell you, how do you react? Do you give any indication that you're not happy with the arrangement? As you said, the main issue is her being dishonest. Maybe she's taking your irritation at her for not being completely honest as being upset that she's with other men in general, and she feels that she's rubbing it in your face and decides not to tell you? I get the impression that communication isn't great between you and her. Work on that. With monogamy, communication is the difference between a good relationship and a bad relationship. With polyamory, communication is the difference between good relationships and complete fucking disaster.

As for the "it's easier for women" situation: Not necessarily. From my own experiences, it seems like women are less likely to be accepting of this kind of thing if they're not used to it, but also less likely to cause problems later on. I'm currently involved with one woman who is also polyamorous, and every guy she dates says they're cool with the poly situation, and then immediately try their damnedest it get me out of the picture. The other women I'm "involved" with are hesitant to acknowledge anything more that friendship with me because they're still getting used to the idea of polyamory and trying to determine if it's something they want. Still, none of them has mode the slightest attempt to interfere with my other relationships. So yeah, women are less likely to be accepting of polyamory, but if they decide they are cool with it, they're more likely to actually be cool with it.

Another example from my own life. When I first met one of my "friends," I did not think of her as someone I'd be romantically involved with. We were discussing relationships and how we're both terrible at them, and I mentioned I was polyamorous. She did not react well. She assumed I was a "typical male," concerned with sticking my penis into as many willing females as I could find without concern for their feelings, and whatever else a "typical male" is. However, rather than keep that to herself and stop talking to me, she asked me questions. We discussed it for an hour or so, and at the end of the conversation, she said: "Hmm, that might actually work for me. I'm no where near being able to do it, and I'd have to transition very slowly, but I think there's a possibility that that's what I want." Surprised the hell out of me. So, anyway, it's probably not as hopeless as it seems.
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  #13  
Old 03-28-2012, 11:52 PM
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When she does tell me I'm actually very interested. I always express that I want her to enjoy herself and to make it home safely. I have even thanked her for being honest with me cause it's most important to me. I've never shown irritation for her going only when she attempts to hide it from me. You may be right saying that she may feel on some level its wrong but as for why I don't know her reason. She did show jealousy when I told her a woman was flirting with me and any time I mention something along those lines she ignores my comments.
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  #14  
Old 03-29-2012, 05:29 AM
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Maybe she gets off on keeping things to herself. Like its more exciting to meet men and have sex with them when you don't know or something. It sounds like shit will hit the fan if you ever find someone that likes you. What do you intend to do about that? Anything ahead of time? Everything seems a bit of a red flag to me in this situation you are in. It seems that finding a gf is the least of your concerns.
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  #15  
Old 03-29-2012, 05:42 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by balance2134 View Post
She did show jealousy when I told her a woman was flirting with me and any time I mention something along those lines she ignores my comments.
This does NOT sound good. I would definitely recommend bringing that up with her, because RP is right, shit will indeed hit the fan if you find someone you could be serious about and your wife has major jealousy issues on top of already limited communication.

RP may have a point about her enjoying hiding things, as well. How does she react to your positivity when she DOES tell you things? Does she seem to appreciate it, neutral, or dislike it?

Most people here are against don't ask don't tell (DADT) policies, but her actions kind of point towards her preferring that type of a set-up. I've got nothing against them in theory, although it's used to avoid facing issues (like her jealousy), then it would seem bound to fail.
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  #16  
Old 03-29-2012, 01:43 PM
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She's very neutral
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  #17  
Old 03-29-2012, 02:13 PM
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What is she neutral about???

What do you get out this relationship?
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  #18  
Old 03-29-2012, 02:20 PM
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Maybe she would prefer a don't ask, don't tell scenario? It sounds to me (take with a grain of salt, I'm very much a newbie) like the "rules" aren't very clear on both sides...

It sounds to me like she wants to ignore the fact that you may be with other people. She just wants to pretend it's not happening. But she also wants the thrill of the forbidden for herself. She wants that high from "sneaking."
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  #19  
Old 03-29-2012, 05:59 PM
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Sounds to me like she's moved on emotionally but doesn't want to be the bad guy to actually break off the relationship. From what you've said it sounds like she's pushing you to break up with her. I don't know if it's on a conscious level or not but actions speak louder than words.
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  #20  
Old 03-29-2012, 06:11 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
Sounds to me like she's moved on emotionally but doesn't want to be the bad guy to actually break off the relationship. From what you've said it sounds like she's pushing you to break up with her. I don't know if it's on a conscious level or not but actions speak louder than words.
I don't know that I would agree with this without more information.

Are you two still intimate? I don't just mean do you have sex, but the little things that create closeness in a couple - reading each other's moods, doing little things for one another, etc.

You (and we as responders) have been so focused on the main topic at hand that we haven't thought about the relationship as a whole. As dinged asked, what ARE you getting out of the relationship? Does she still act like she's in love with you? Does she respect you in other compartments of life even if she doesn't respect you with her sleeping around (I can't bring myself to say poly, because lying is NOT poly, and she lies or at least hides things.)? Is it possible that the reason she isn't being entirely truthful is because she doesn't care whether or not you're happy anymore and could take or leave the relationship as a whole?

Just some thinking points, you don't have to share EVERYTHING with us, obviously, but I would be really worried about the relationship in general. I also don't think I would try to implement an open relationship or poly very soon after a rough spot since it takes a while to get back in sync after major issues, but to each their own, I suppose.
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