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  #21  
Old 10-11-2012, 10:14 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Default about Curlz

My relationship with Curlz is developing in a very nice and interesting way ..
Weve been together for 8 months now, and I've gone through some interesting phases of dependancy, attachment and NRE. He became single soon after we met, and this worried me in the beginning, I was fearing that he would start to become too dependant on me. But then NRE kicked in (this only happened a couple of months after we started seeing each other) and I became extremely anxious whenever he went on a date (and he did not go on many) and even worried about women that were not even in the picture yet.

Then Summer happened. The horrible summer of 2012 started with the weekend I spent with MrBrown, where we engaged in some pretty kinky sex for the first time (I don't have much experience with this, and have only started to explore this now with MrB). I came home with bruises, and Ren flipped. This, by the way, was the same week where he found out his GF was cheating on him and he was uncapable of dealing with his emotions and his responses to what I had experienced. He freaked out so much, that I spent all my time and energy reassuring him, and never got around to processing what had actually happened to ME and how I felt about it. All this caused me to emotionally withdraw from Curlz... it was just too much. I did see him, but had a hard time really connecting with him or getting excited about our time together. And then felt guilty about it. Ugh.

Late September Ren and I took a trip together, during which we spent a lot of time talking about his relationship with his GF unfortunately, but also managed to spend some much needed quality time together. After that, I went and spent a couple of days with C...and I don;t know if it was the fact that I had decided to become less focussed on others, and put myself first.. the reading I've been doing, the thinking during the trip.. but it was like something cliked, we had a great time together, I really enjoyed spending time with him, and we had some great and very open and honest talks about us, our relationship, the future.

I am now at the point where I am actually encouraging him to date. I feel that it would bring a certain balance to our relationship, even though I know that there is a good chance that he will find someone who he'll want as a primary relationship.. and of course there's no telling what would happen to me in that case. But I guess I've become so much more secure and confident about myself, and learned so much this summer, that I can see that if this happens, it's what has to happen and I'll find a way to deal with it when the time comes. Meanwhile I am enjoying him, loving him, cherishing the time we spend together.

Last night we had phone sex for the very first time and it was awesome
Sex has never been the easiest part of our relationship, he has trouble performing sometimes (not always, and not often, but it does make the stuff that happens in the bedroom a little strained sometimes). He is still going though a pretty rough divorce, and can be sad and upset about it sometimes, and I definitely feel that this has an impact on his libido and occasional ED. But, he stopped smoking recently, started excercising, got a new job that he loves, and all in all seems mich more comfortable about himself and his life. When we do have sex, it's pretty amazing, very intense and loving ... and I do feel we have so much more to discover and explore there together. I'm going to see him again this weekend, will drive up to his city for a 3-day stay and I'm really looking forward to it.
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early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #22  
Old 10-11-2012, 11:25 AM
Octopus Octopus is offline
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Good to hear from you again, and sorry about difficulties this summer. Hopefully things will work themselves out.
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  #23  
Old 10-11-2012, 02:11 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Default about MrBrown

.... and then there's the elusive MrBrown. My relationship with him (I've known him since december last year) ended up developing differently from what I expected at the start. I think I thought he would have the position Curlz now has... someone to see very often, and to be in touch with, sharing a lot about each others lives, meeting each others friends, etc.
I quickly learned that this was not what he was looking for, and that he wasn't willing to let things grow in that direction. The way it is now, we see each other for an overnight date about once every 4 or 5 weeks, and have very little contact in between. The thing is.... the sex with him is very groundbreaking and boundary pushing for me, and I love that. It took me some time to 'get' that this connection is what it is... he says he loves me, and I believe he does, it's just a relationship that is very much based on his terms and conditions. It's my choice to either accept it or not.

The weekend we spent together earlier this summer was absolutely amazing. The weather was great, we were in a little cottage in the woods, cooked together, spent whole afternoons lying in the grass talking, took a long walk, and had a LOT of sex - most of it pretty kinky (to me at least), my first experiences with bondage, some other stuff I'd never done. I was on a serious high when I got home, but Ren's reactions brought me down pretty quickly. Looking back, I think (like I stated above) that I never got the chance to prcess these new elements of my relationship with MrB because I got so caught up in Ren's reactions to it. This has impacted how I feel about MrB, even though we had some nice dates since, it seems like there is something unresolved there that we need to talk about. Right now, because of my vacation, I haven't seen him for about a month and I'm in no hurry to propose something. I initiated the last 2 dates and I think it's his turn... Also, I feel that I have a too strong tendency to become too dependant on his attention.

I think one problem is that he doesn't see my neediness, he thinks I'm stronger than I actually am, and this creates an issue when I need something from him (like, aftercare after a BDSM experience). He doesn't hink I need it and I need to specifically ask for it, which is sometimes hard for me.

Still learning a lot from our dynamic...
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early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #24  
Old 10-11-2012, 02:37 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Default welcome the Knight

Tonight I have a date with Knight. I'm calling him this because not only does his real name sound like the one a medieval knight would have, he also looks like one: tall, slender but muscular, the smoothest olive colored skin, big brown mischievous eyes, soft dark curls. Yes, I was smitten with him from the very start.

I met him over 2 years ago at a party I was attending with my husband - he was the friend of a friend. He sat at a little bench and when he saw me, motioned to the seat beside him and said: "come sit here, this seat is available."
My husband, who was standing next to me, pushed me forward just a little bit and said: "oh, that's very fortunate, so is she!"

Within 30 minutes we were discussing sex and how convenient it was that we lived near each other', his hand was on my leg and I had butterflies in my stomach. He said the fact that I was married intrigued him and suited him well because he was a very independant guy, and mentioned that he was just coming out of a relationship with a woman who was asking too much of him, smothering him, suffocating him. I heard him mention her but was so convinced that he would be the first big poly love of my life, that I kind of blocked her out.

That was a major mistake, because as it turned out, he was not actually breaking up with her (he wanted to, she did not - he's not the most determined guy when it comes to relationships). He told her about me, she was jealous, slept with someone else, they broke up for a while, then got back together. And all this time I had this crush of crushes on him, couldn't think of anything else, and just could not understand why he would not choose to be with me.

We had some sleepovers but never actual sex - which at first frustrated the hell out of me because I was was SO attracted to him. Then our dates switched to monthly bar crawls where we would stare into each others eyes and talk silly and drink too much, and I would need about a week to recover from that and get him out of my system again. (Btw, all this time the girlfriend knew he occasianlly saw me).
Then, the end of last year, I had enough. I had just met MrBrown, whom reminded me of Knight in many ways - but with one big difference: MrB was always honest and upfront about what he could and could not give me, which was exactly the kind of respect I wasn't getting from Knight. So the beginning of this year, I told Knight I could not see him anymore. I felt really strong and good about it.

Fast forward a couple of months and he emails me that he misses me. I think long and hard about it and decide that I am by now detached enough from him to see him again, as a friend. We spend a lovely evening together and I manage to not fall for him... well maybe just a little bit.. but who can blame me, he is so incredibly cute and hot and charming...

So now we see each other again, about once every 6 weeks. I would say we're friends but he's unlike any of my other friends... I think I would like to call him my NSBF (non-sexual boyfriend), a term I think I stole from redpeppers blog and which seems to fit him really well. I cancelled 2 dates with him this summer when things were so hectic and full of drama.. he still has the power to unnerve and unsettle me, and I could not handle it at the time.

But tonight we have a date! Haven't seen him in about 4 months. I'm very excited, but also quite calm, and just hoping for a good talk and maybe a little cuddle.
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #25  
Old 10-12-2012, 02:37 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Have a lot to process today about my date with Knight. I'm meeting Ren for drinks and dinner later, and am very much looking forward to talking things over with him, there's really no one who I can do that with as well as with him..

There was a moment last night when again, looking into his beautiful face, I started to well up and feel the tears burn. I managed to hold them back, I've been crying on every single one of our dates except the first one.. I don't know what it is about this man but he just GETS to me, it's like I am completely open and psychologically and emotionally naked with him, like he looks into my soul, and he sees that I want him and love him, and then decides he can't love me back.

This isn't really true, I know he loves me, but the entire relationship is functioning under his rules and conditions. We are so very very different when it comes to personalities and what we want from life, from love, from connections.
I know he's never ever going to give me what I want. Why do I still feel attached to him? Am I fooling myself that I can just have friendship with him without the baggage and the misery and the frustration?

He said to me last night: "You know, I would really like to kiss you right now, but I can't , because I spoke to my gf this morning and told her I was meeting you, and now she's on my mind, and I can't kiss you even though I want to."

This sums up what he is and how wrong he is for me.. He's not being honest with himself, and he's giving me crumbs of love while I've been asking for cookies for years. of course it's my fault that I accepted the crumbs until now.

I feel sad today. I don't know why it's so hard for me to be happy with what I have, and am still looking for more. Sometimes I feel its just that I have so much love to give, and that I want to explore so many different types of relationships, learning about myself and love and life along the way. And then on days like today I feel that that is all just a load of arrogant crap and what I'm really doing is desperately looking for validation and attention. I don't know.

Time for my date with Ren, which will ground me a bit I hope.

Am contemplating going to a retreat for a couple of days, end of November... a place without any of my men and a place without internet. I think that would be good for me
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #26  
Old 10-17-2012, 03:30 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Poly saturation about to set in, I think....

had such a lovely weekend with C. Cooked 2 great dinners for him.. it makes me so very happy to cook for someone I love. Also spent some time alone in his house while he was at work, which was great, just the silence and the quiet and also the trust he has in me, giving me his key and letting me in, in so many ways.

I am very, very protective of my house and my space, and it would take me a long time to do this for someone, so it seemed like a really big deal to me. I also realized how weird this is, when you look at it from the outside.. to C., I am his girlfriend, who knows where he keeps the blender and who knows the way to the nearest supermarket and who knows how to handle the weird faucet in the bathroom. But I'm also the woman who goes home to her husband after the weekend, and who is sitting next to said husband on the couch, when he (C) texts me to say that we had such a lovely time and that he misses me. I don't know, there's no drama here, just sometimes it feels like I play a part in some surrealistic indie movie

Just when I came home, MrBrown texted me with suggestions for dates. Had to say no to all of them, and after a couple of days he suggested something else and so I'm going to see him next week... we need a good talk about our different communication styles, but I'm looking forward to reconnecting. And SO glad I waited until he was ready and proposed to meet.

But that's not all... did I mention Cute Bi Guy yet? I think I'll call him BG met him on OKC, we started emailing. He writes the most beautiful emails that look like letters out of a 19th century novel. I'm a sucker for beautiful language and we got into this highly formal, yet slightly naughtly, witty and smart emailexchange. I have to say the fact that he is bi is a real turn on and so very intriguing. It's one of my most secret sexual fantasies to witness 2 guys having sex...

Anyway, we met for drinks, had a great time, great chemistry, a little kiss when saying goodbeye, lots of emails since, trying to schedule date # 2. No idea where this will go. I'm sure not looking for yet another guy to sleep with and I don't think I could handle another real relationship. But a friendship with a little flirting and maybe some sexual acitivities... hmm... maybe he can help me fulfil this longtime fantasy of mine?

And there's more....
I got an email from a guy I dated a couple months last year. He broke it off because while he knew about my husband from the beginning, he found that he could not really deal with the fact I had more than 1 lover. Not that he wanted me for himself, he wasn't looking for anything serious, it was just too complicated and unsettling for him. We parted on good terms. Now he says he's changed and has become more relaxed about things and would like to meet to catch-up. I really liked him as a person, he's very smart and funny and we always had a great time. We had great sexual chemistry while emailing, flirting, talking and kissing, but the couple of times we had actual sex, this wasn't a huge success... so I'm not really looking to rekindle that part of our relationship. But, like with BG, we'll see where it goes... pfff... my poly plate sure is full.
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #27  
Old 10-18-2012, 01:07 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cleo View Post
I don't know, there's no drama here, just sometimes it feels like I play a part in some surrealistic indie movie
This totally resonated with me! (had to add it to the quote wall on my profile page).

I'm just bopping along, enjoying life, doing stuff. Boys living life, enjoying selves, doing stuff...then someone will say some random thing and I will have a shift in perspective - and joltingly realize that what seems so "normal" to me (largely, I think, because of the time I spend here) would shock the living daylights out of many of the people that I interact with every day.

For instance, the other week at work a coworker asked if I had change for a $10. I happened to have 17 $1 bills in my purse (weird drive-thru change incident). I jokingly said to her as we swapped bills - "Good thing I still have these, I meant to give them to MrS for the next time he went to the strip club." She jokingly said "I was going to ask where you were working nights, that you had so many $1s." Then she did a double take - "Wait...your husband goes to strips clubs?...and you're OK with that?!"

Meanwhile, the boys go to strip clubs maybe a few times every couple of years as part of a night out with the guys (sometimes I go too ). What I say is "You know ... for the occasional bachelor party. And, no, I don't mind." While, in the back of my head, I'm thinking - "Well since he doesn't mind that my boyfriend lives with us and sleeps in our bed...it would be hard to begrudge him an occasional eyeful of pretty naked dancing ladies, now wouldn't it?"

JaneQ
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 10-18-2012 at 01:10 AM.
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  #28  
Old 10-18-2012, 03:53 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
What I say is "You know ... for the occasional bachelor party. And, no, I don't mind." While, in the back of my head, I'm thinking - "Well since he doesn't mind that my boyfriend lives with us and sleeps in our bed...it would be hard to begrudge him an occasional eyeful of pretty naked dancing ladies, now wouldn't it?"
Hilarious!
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Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
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  #29  
Old 10-19-2012, 06:43 PM
Octopus Octopus is offline
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Hahaha, wonderful
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  #30  
Old 10-25-2012, 09:24 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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So yesterday C told me he's opened an OKC account. He told me that while he originally checked the 'available' box and mentioned poly (and me) in his description of himself, he has since taken it out and is now listed as single (and no mention of non-monogamy, poly, multiple relationships, hypothetical or real, in his profile - I just read it).
He says he doesn't want to 'scare' women. He also says that he's been in touch with a couple of women and told them in email and chat about me. So the thing is, I have no reason to doubt him and to think that he's thinking about keeping his relationship with me a secret, but still, for some reason, it doesn't sit well with me that when you read his profile, there no clue about the fact that he is already in a relationship.

I want the best for him - I want him to date - but of course in my ideal world I want him to date someone who would be ok with the fact that he's also with me. Somehow, this development gives me the feeling that I am not that important to him.

I told him yesterday that for me, the status quo is pretty good, and I can see things improving from here - more intimacy, more integration in each others lives. So for me, what I want is pretty clear. I'm committed to my husband and I'm, committed to C.
Am I being childish in thinking he is not that committed to me?
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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