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  #191  
Old 08-16-2013, 01:45 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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IP - I know this, I just don't feel it right now. There's too much going on to see things realistically. My therapist says I'm suffering from depression - and while I myself don't think it is that bad yet, I know I have to be really careful and watch myself - I've dealt with this before.

MeeraReed - a hot date is not really what I feel like right now, but Ren and I did spend the day together and it was very nice. It's a beautiful summer day in my city, we went for a long walk along the river, talked a little but not too much - I find that hashing out too much does more bad than good right now - and it was just very nice to be together and relax. We're planning a trip abroad for september, we talked a little about that, we're very much looking forward to get away just the 2 of us.

It feels strange sometimes to experience so much loss and pain while I have this amazing relationship, that has lasted for almost 2 decades, with this man who loves me for all the right reasons and who supports me and understands me...

Anyway, today was a pretty good day. I only cried once
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early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #192  
Old 08-25-2013, 09:40 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Things are a little better around here. I'm spending a lot of time on my own, with friends, with Ren. I did go on a couple of dates - fell into the 'I need someone to fill this black hole' trap. But realized soon enough I am NOT fit to date anyone right now.

I had a lovely evening with my friend N last week. He's been my friend for a long time, and at some point I fell in love with him, had a emotional affair with him that I hid from Ren, things came out, and this was actually the incentive to open up our marriage. N and I always remained friends but things have been rocky sometimes, there's a huge attraction (that we never really acted on - he's married, and it took him a long time to tell his wife about our connection). So we would go from being close, intimate friends to people who occasionally kiss each other when drunk to periods where we did not speak at all.
We recently had a fall out that needed clearing up.. and we did that last week, and had a lovely evening where we felt really close.. walking the streets arms locked, sitting close to each other in a bar, long warm hugs, great talks. It was wonderful and very healing to spend time with a guy who loves and adores me and who I love, and feel that we have this deep and lasting friendship that can take blows and still survive.

It got me thinking about what poly actually means to me - obviously it means loving and sexual relationships, but it also means these kinds of friendships, with an intimacy level that would be unthinkable for most of my friends who are in a relationship. It's something I would never want to give up ever again.

I'm seeing Knight later this week and also have a date with BGuy next week. For a girl with no additional relationships I'm sure seeing a lot of men

I'm also busy planning a road trip abroad with Ren. For a while I had no energy or enthusiasm for it, but I'm now beginning to look forward to spending 3 whole weeks very far away with my favorite guy, doing what we do best: driving around, relaxing, eating and drinking.
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early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #193  
Old 08-25-2013, 01:39 PM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cleo View Post
It was wonderful and very healing to spend time with a guy who loves and adores me and who I love, and feel that we have this deep and lasting friendship that can take blows and still survive.

It got me thinking about what poly actually means to me - obviously it means loving and sexual relationships, but it also means these kinds of friendships, with an intimacy level that would be unthinkable for most of my friends who are in a relationship. It's something I would never want to give up ever again.
This sounds really wonderful; very happy for you. And I think you make a great point about the intimacy of friendships. To me, it seems like relationships fall along a continuum of intimacy, rather than in discreet categories, far more than is generally recognized. And I definitely value having intimacy of various kinds with more than my husband; I would be in pretty awful shape without it!
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  #194  
Old 08-27-2013, 05:09 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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I was already feeling a little better. And then I got an email from MrBrown.

We had agreed that I would contact him, but he said 'I felt the need to contact you'.
He wanted to let me know he loves me, that he values and appreciates our love and friendship, that he wants me in his life, and that I am special to him.

It made my heart dance

I replied, briefly, that I felt the same. That I knew that we had started to be part of a downward spiral where I kept clinging to him for love and assurance and confirmation. And that I was grateful to him for breaking that cycle, taking himself out of the picture. It was what I needed to focus on myself.

I was surprised though. I know he has a history of very rigorously removing people from his life, and I guess I wasn't sure if I was going to be one of them.

Guess not I'm really glad. I need some more time - we agreed to meet in a couple of months. I'm excited to see where that will take us. I don't know and I don't need to know right now. All I know is that he is still a part of my life, and I love him, and he loves me, and that makes me feel like my heart is growing and expanding.
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early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf

Last edited by Cleo; 08-27-2013 at 05:15 PM.
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  #195  
Old 08-28-2013, 06:37 PM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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It's lovely to hear you sounding so much happier, Cleo.

Long may it continue.

Your post on the 25th was very thought provoking for me. Have been mulling it over for a while - will update my own blog about it.

IP
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  #196  
Old 09-06-2013, 04:03 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Still a lot of stress in my life, but love-wise, things are calm.

I disabled my OKC profile. I'm going on a month long trip with Ren and I will take this time to really get away from everything, and during that, I don't want to be bothered by 'hi how r u' messages (or be tempted to check if there new poly guys in my area )

I did have an interesting date last week. He's shorter than me which is usually not what I'm into (but with a face that attracted me a lot). Not the literate, witty sort of person that usually attracts me. Works with his hands, doesn't read much, etc. But very kind, funny, open, relaxed and nice to be with. We definitely had chemistry. He hasn't had sex for a while (is in an open, but mostly platonic marriage). I think there's some FWB potential there although I don't see us do much besides spending time in bed . We'll see, if the interest is still there when I get back form my trip.

Had a really good date with Knight the other week. I love him so much. He's weird, crazy, always does and says the unexpected. But Even with the weird turns our relationship always seems to take, I know and feel that he loves me too.

I will see MrBrown again when I get back. I miss him, but I know it's good that we haven't seen each other for a while. Some things Marcus said on another thread about how independence and a D/s dynamic seem incompatible to him, had me thinking. The dynamic between MrB and me definitely became unhealthy the moment I started being clingy and needy and he started to withdraw - at first I assessed his withdrawing as dominance, and it sort of became part of the dynamic. I now see there was something not quite right about that. We will need to address that when we talk about the new shape and form our relationship is going to take.

I am going to try to take a break from the forums as well. Just be with Ren, go on this trip, visit friends, just BE.
I need it.
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #197  
Old 09-06-2013, 04:08 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Enjoy your trip. I am glad things have calmed down and are at more of normal level. Introspection is always a wonderful thing. Have fun!
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Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Mr. Grey - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 12 years and father of our (3) children.
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  #198  
Old 10-27-2013, 08:56 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Time to update

C (ex bf) and I are no longer in touch. I briefly thought we maybe could be friends. But the email communication was awkward and full of misunderstandings. We had trouble picking a time to meet because we were both very busy. He said, 'well if it's going to take that long I guess I don't see the point'. I said, 'well if we once loved each other and shared something real, what difference does it make if we see each other next month or next year?' After that, I did not hear anything anymore. I still hurt, but it's becoming less. Instead of being mad at him I try to look at how I could have done things differently, to avoid future drama.

Lou broke up with the bf who did not know about Ren. She is now seeing a guy who knows about Ren. So that's a situation that has become a lot easier.

I confessed my love to a dear friend. He turned me down, but the funny thing is I did not feel rejected. I know he loves me and is attracted to me, but that the time is (now) not right for anything else. He is still my dear and close friend and I feel he is in my life to stay. It was really scary to tell him but also very empowering to do it.

Ren has a new love interest ... she sounds nice, they've been on a couple of dates. She's single. If things continue to be good with them I will meet her, and I am looking forward to maybe having a friendly relationship with a metamour, for once.

I've been on a couple of dates with a guy from okc, we were a very high match percentage. At first I thought we would just be friends as I did not really feel the spark of attraction. But I think he's sort of growing on me, part of that has definitely to do with the way he is patient, attracted to me but content to be just friends. We have very easy communication, have fun together, love to talk for hours. We kissed after the last date which was nice. I suppose he could be a REAL fwb - as opposed to BGuy, who I don't really consider a friend but more of an acquaintance with whom I have great sexual chemistry. I'm not sure about the chemistry with this guy.. wait.. must give him a name. Scin. We'll see. We'll go on another date soon and will probably talk about it.

Bguy has sort of disappeared, I contacted him a few times but he does not seem very interested in getting together (he says he is, but never proposes anything). Ah well. Maybe I should just let that go? I'm not very invested in it, but we did have some really nice times.

I went on a couple of pretty awful okc dates. One, I left after 15 minutes. Ugh.

I have a date with MrBrown tonight, the first one since he distanced himself from me back in July. I'm kind of nervous. I have no idea what to expect. The thing that went wrong between us is exactly that I was always expecting too much, even when I knew that he would not give me these things. I know the only way to have him in my life as a good relationship with good energy and a positive effect on me, is to let him go - completely - and let him drift in and out of my life as he wishes. When I am not able to do that, things will go wrong again.
So, yeah, nervous.

But!
I also met someone new
We went on the first okc date a little over a week ago, have seen each other 3 times, including one sleep over, and I'm seeing him again later this week.
He's pretty great.. I'll call him Brig. He's single, does not seem to be having any issues with my marriage (although we do need to talk more about the fact that I am also seeing other men - I think he's not really registering that, though I did tell him.) He's funny, a little shy, sweet, smart, a little gloomy, very creative. We'll see where it goes... right now I am slowly getting the NRE bug, am very excited to see him again day after tomorrow.

So! that's the new status of my poly life!
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf

Last edited by Cleo; 10-27-2013 at 08:59 AM.
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  #199  
Old 10-28-2013, 02:48 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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It is good to get an update from you, Cleo. I love happy news, and I am glad things are working so masterfully. Sending even more happiness and good energy your way!

Ry
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Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Mr. Grey - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 12 years and father of our (3) children.
Closed.

My Blog
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  #200  
Old 10-28-2013, 05:03 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Thanks Ry!

Well.. my date with MrBrown was pretty good. We talked about a lot of the issues that were present during the summer. I was afraid, before I went, that he would get under my skin again and I would feel the neediness and clingyness again that I SO not want with him anymore. But things were good. I think we're in a healthier place. He is great, but he is not THAT great - there were a couple of moments last night and this morning when he actually annoyed me a little, which I thought was a good sign - I've stopped idealizing him.

It probably does help that things with Brig feel really nice
We have 2 dates already planned, good communication. Oh I do like him a LOT..

Ren's new girl is having second thoughts. She came to our house this weekend (I wasn't there) and my obvious presence (books, stuff) upset her. She is probably too mono-minded, she thought she could handle it, but now that she's falling for Ren, she's starting to feel jealous.
This did trigger some things for me and I think I need to discuss these issues with Brig as well.

I feel bad for Ren, but fortunately he wasn't crushing too hard yet, and he says that even if there will be no romantic connection, he hopes they will remain friends.
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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