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  #11  
Old 03-31-2012, 04:11 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Yes my friend is mono... all my friends are! (with the exception of the friend in the a-sexual marriage mentioned upthread)

I did send her an email today, with pretty much the text NovemberRain suggested.. asking to not share all her interpretations with me.. I mean if she would actually meet Lou I'd be very interested to hear what she thinks, but to judge someones intentions from a picture..

dingedheart, that's an interesting point of view. I don't really see how I could have started the conversation any differently, because sharing my worries was exactly what I wanted to do.
I have many other friends who are very very mono and who sympathize with my insecurities but who seem to have a much stronger faith in my relationship with Ren. I guess that's what's bothering me the most: that she seems to question the strength of the marriage.

I have another friend who used to say that Ren and I were her ideal marriage, and since we've gone poly, she says that is still the case, even though she would never want a poly life, but she admires the way we do it and the way we communicate.
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early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #12  
Old 03-31-2012, 04:17 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Default lovely saturday

I woke up to some pretty intense morning-sex with Ren.. something that rarely happens because we both tend to rush out of bed in the morning. It was a lovely way to start the day

Then I got a text from Curlz who is away for the weekend, I had not expected to hear from him for a couple of days because he's somewhere without internet and phone, but he texted me right before his event started that he's thinking of me.. and sent me some pictures of the place where he's staying.. it warmed my heart.

And then there was a message from MrBrown that he was still thinking about our date from last week, and that he's happy to have me in his life.
(We don't communicate much between our monthly dates.. so any message from him is a big deal).

There's a huge steak resting on the kitchen counter, waiting to be grilled for dinner later, there's a bottle of wine, and then a long and quiet evening on the sofa. Life seems awfully good today.
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early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #13  
Old 04-15-2012, 05:41 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Default more thoughts on restlessness

I've been away on vacation (with friends, no husband, no lovers) and its been great looking at my life from a little distance, getting some perspective. I've been on my own (in a strange city) a lot while my friends were off exploring on their own, and being alone in a new place always makes me very calm and contemplative. Especially going out to lunch and dinner by myself is always a very empowering experience.. be on my own, have a glass of wine, think, write a little, stare out the window.

I've been feeling really calm and secure about my relationships this week. I've been in touch with Curlz regularly (even though internet is fickle here) and I have a date with him soon after I get back. He'll meet Ren soon I think.. I'm looking forward to that because I think they will really get along.
Communication with MrBrown has been minimal as usual, although we exchanged a couple of loving, but very short messages during the week.

Now this morning he texts me and asks me to come over 2 weeks from now for an extended date (he even proposes an activity for the next day, which is something we've never really done).
Unfortunately this is a night I have plans to go away for the weekend with Curlz. So I tell MrBrown no I can't make it, propose another date, he says no he can't make it then. Then, silence.
Then, restlessness.

Worrying that he will never propose another date. I KNOW how stupid this sounds and this is the only place I'm willing to admit to these feelings. There's no doubt in my heart or mind that I am so looking forward to my date with Curlz that weekend. Is this the price to pay for having 2 lovers? Is it really too complicated to manage time, expectations, desires?

I hate that the feeling of calm is now being eliminated by this restlessness. I guess what I need to do is look into the heart and essence of my relationship with MrBrown. My interactions with Curlz never make me feel like this.
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #14  
Old 04-21-2012, 03:23 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Something major has happened: Ren and Curlz have met.

It was only for about half an hour, I had had a date at our house with C. while Ren was away, I knew when he was supposed to come home, and I had asked both guys how they felt about a possible ' overlap'. I was really excited for them to meet.. I just felt, from knowing Ren so well and from the short time I've known C., that they would like each other. And they did. We chatted for a while and then C. had to leave (he lives about 90 minutes away and it was a week night). After he left I got really nervous that he would tell me the next day : "ok I guess this poly thing isn't really for me it was too difficult". But instead he told me how much he had enjoyed meeting Ren (that Ren had enjoyed it, had been clear to me already - because I know him so well).

Anyway, in a couple of weeks I'm taking C. to a big event where Ren is performing, Lou will also be present, and many of our friends. This is going to be very very interesting...

I'm so happy about how C. is becoming part of my life. I'm quietly fantasizing about the day he will spend the night here.. how we will work this out logistically I don't know yet, but hey, I can dream right?

My only worries now are about how he's doing. He's going through a difficult divorce and he's having a tough time. I love him, and I want to make him feel better. And yes, I know this isn't my responsibility.. but still.. it's how I feel.

Next weekend Ren will go abroad to visit Lou and C. will spend 2 nights! 2 1/5 days! with me. I'm giddy with excitement and keep making so many plans for our time together that it will be impossible to do everything.
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #15  
Old 05-14-2012, 08:08 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Default thoughts on the need for attention

It's been awhile since I posted. A lot has happened, so much in fact, that it felt too overwhelming to write about. Today is the first day in weeks that I'm at home by myself, empty rooms, hours of empty time, and the space in my mind to think a little deeper than 'what shall i do? who shall i meet? how will it go?'

I'm thinking about my needs and addictions. I think, when I look closely at myself, I see an addiction for attention. How else am I going to explain the fact that I'm watching my inbox like a hawk since last night?

What am I doing? I have a husband who loves me. I have 2 lovers who love me, each in their own way, and who are committed to me, each in their own way. There's really no lack of anything in my life. I have love, I have attention, I have guys telling me I'm beautiful, I have sex.

I've had a profile on OKC for awhile now. I read about it here, and while I'm not looking (ha) I thought it could be an interesting way to meet other poly people, male or female. But, I live in a tiny European country and 'poly' is not really something a lot of OKC members from around here have in their profile. I got contacted by a number of 'hey U r cute wanna go on a date' type of guys. And a couple of guys that told me they are sooooo interested in the poly thing, not they've never experienced anything like that but boy does it sound exciting! One genuinely poly guy and his poly girlfriend - we met, was nice, and we'll meet again, as friends.

And then yesterday this guy contacts me.. he's cute, funny, smart. The emails start flowing. He tell me his story. I tell him a bit about mine. I tell him I have a husband and 2 lovers and yes that means I'm very busy and also, really, not looking.
He's looking. He's single after just coming out of a poly relationship.

We flirt a little, just a little. He wants to meet. I take care not to flirt too much because I'm not looking, you know? And yet now I'm watching my inbox.

Why?
Do I need the attention that much? Is it just the fantasy part that I can't do without? I know my lovers, I know who they are and I have a pretty good image of where our relationships are headed. With this guy, new guy, who is for now nothing more than a picture on a computerscreen and a couple of witty and intelligent emails, anything is possible.

Maybe that's what I am addicted to? And is it really that bad ... as long as I'm open about it to everyone involved? But how can I live my life forever adding new men to the mix because I need the excitement? I don't really like the person (me) who I'm talking about here.

Ugh.
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #16  
Old 05-25-2012, 08:52 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Wink progress with best friend

Had a really great talk with my best friend a couple of days ago, the one who I mentioned upthread. After our last big talk we got into a kind of email 'argument'.. I asked her not to make bad comments about Lou, because that wasn't helping me, and she was kind of offended about that, which I did not really understand, and then we sort of stopped communicating for a while.

But now she has explained her side to me a little better. She says that for her, it is a way of expressing her friendship and love for me to be worried and protective. Being protective to her means being negative about both Ren and Lou.. she says it's her way of showing me she's 'on my side'. Me asking her not to do this, to her felt like I was turning down her friendship.
While I don't really agree that it's the best way to show me she loves me, I did understand better where she was coming from, and her good intentions. We cried and hugged right there in the bar.. and after that had a long talk about what it is, exactly, that makes her so worried.
I think it comes down to basically this: she believes in The One. She has a lot of issues in her own marriage but she believes her husband is The One, and she believes that Ren and I are each others One, and that we are risking this by the things we are doing and the connections we are forming with other people. "It's really dangroues, what you're doing," is waht she keeps saying over and over.

Of course, I see so many things wrong with this reasoning, I don't know where to begin
I told her, if Ren is really my One, if we are meant to be together, then our other connections are not going to endanger that. But what's more important, I don't really believe in the One and actually never have.

I have had other discussions with friends about this recently, and what comes up again and again is that when you say you don't believe in the One, they think you mean you don't really love the one you're with. I find it almost impossible to explain the concept of being with someone I love truly and deeply, with whom I have shared 2 decades of love and hope to spend many more, with whom I share a home and a social life and a history, but that I still don't think he is my only pathway to romantic happiness. And by that I mean that if he left me I'd be incredibly hurt and sad but it would not be the end of my life or my happiness, and that it's also possible to love others besides him.

It's really the theme these days. Ren had a huge fight with one of his best friends about the whole situation. Some of our friends were at an event where Ren had brought Lou and I had brought C. Some friends were ok with it and even made an effort to meet L and C and talk to them, but this particular friend had so many issues with it. Ren came home really upset from his meeting. He says his friend always makes him feel like what we are doing is somehow a little sordid and sleezy, like we're only in it for the sex. And his friend also keeps saying: but the 2 of you belong together! which is the The One theory all over.

Ren and I talked about all of it a lot... we went away for a couple of days together which was great, lovely country side, great food, a lot of wine, great sex, and a lot of conversations. We are both sad that we can't talk to our friends the way we would like to. I think we should give a LOT more time.. after all, it's only been less than a year, and maybe we want too much too soon?
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf

Last edited by Cleo; 05-25-2012 at 09:11 AM.
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  #17  
Old 05-25-2012, 09:08 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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Posts: 414
Default and on a more positive note..

Just wanted to share a couple of nice things that have happened.
2 weeks ago I had spent the night with the lovely and chamring MrBrown.. we see each other about every 4-5 weeks now, which is just the right interval for me because our time together is so intense - not just the sex, but the conversations and the general energy between us - that more, would be too much. Anyway, because he lives in another city I took a couple of hours off from work, so we could wake up in peace and I did not have to rush to the train.

So I arrive at the office and sit down next to my co-worker. A little background: I am out to most co-workers. Some of them are also good friends and I talk to them about my life, others just know but don't talk about it. This particular co-worker (a great woman with a very good down-to-earth sense of humour) falls in the latter category. So I sit down and she says, knowing that I had the morning off, and probably thinking I had errands to run: "so, did you accomplish everything you wanted to? Did you get everything done?" All of a sudden I am at a loss for words... thinking of the evening sex, the 'waking up in the middle of the night sex' and the 'oh we have some time before the alarm goes off sex' I have had over the past 14 hours. Beacuse I do not reply she keeps going: "I mean, did you have satisfactory morning? was it good for you?" And I just start blushing and giggling and say "dear E. I could tell you how satisfactory my morning was, but believe me, you don't want to know".
She doesn't get it, looks at me, wants to ask a question, then sees my overnight bag, then GETS it, and we both burst out laughing and she says "no you're right! I dont want to know! but I'm glad you had a good time!"
It was a great moment.

========

I also met up with a woman I got in touch with through OKCupid. She's American but has just moved to my country with her husband, her husbands partner, and their kid (who is the biological child of her husband and his partner). They all live together and it was so great to talk to someone who has been living the poly-life seriously and consciously for years, someone who understands the little things as well as the big issues. We met for drinks and dinner, had a great time and she has invited me to come to dinner sometime soon so I can meet her family. I'm excited about that and am hoping for a nice friendship here....
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf

Last edited by Cleo; 05-25-2012 at 09:13 AM.
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  #18  
Old 06-22-2012, 12:59 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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Default too much?

I feel like I'm really falling in love with C.. it's a wonderful feeling, and yet so scary. It's so difficult for me to seperate the scary from the wonderful. To just enjoy the intensity, the connection, the tangible flow of feelings and emotions between us.

I get nothing but reassuring signals from him about our relationship. He lives in another city and because he lives alone, it's easier for me to go and see him than for him to come and be with me, and he suggested he wants to pay part of my traintickets because of this. He also suggested arranging for some sort of transportation when I am in his city so we don't have to walk everywhere. We are in constant contact and I don't think there has been a day the last month that we did not text each other goodnight.

He's going on a date on Tuesday and I'm so scared.

I feel stupid and petty and childish and whatever. But hey it's my blog and I can be that way here its not like I can mention it to anyone else.. my friends would say well yeah you signed up for this didn't you? and Ren would probably understand it but would not have much patience with my sadness and restlessness.
C knows I am a bit worried but I would never let him know the extent of my worries.
It's something I have to deal with. It's a test of my faith, I guess.

Next weekend I'm going away with mrBrown for a couple of days When we do, it will be almost 2 months since we last saw eachother. I'm looking forward to it, but i'm not as giddy with excitement about it as I would have been when this trip had happened a couple of months ago. Maybe it's too much: working on my connection with Ren, building this new love with C., that there just isn't room for another exciting love?
I look at MrBrown more as a kind of FWB now I think. It's hard for me to feel really close to someone when we are not regularly in touch. It's been almost a week now since we last exchanged some (pretty insignificant) texts. It's not that I want more contact with him, it's just that I realize that this relationship turned out different from what I thought in the very beginning.

There are days when I feel that that the fact that things can change, that nothing is certain, is my biggest and most beautiful lesson to learn from poly, and it makes me grateful and I feel like I am living my fullest life. And then there are the days when that feeling of 'everything can always change' makes me feel like I am walking on quicksand and I can be swallowed by it any minute.
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #19  
Old 06-29-2012, 03:00 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Default just happy

Yeah, just happy
C. went on his date and did not have a good time. I freaked out that night, picked a huge fight with my husband, made up with him (and made some real progress about an issue that has been bothering us for a long time). The next day I went to see C. He told me about the date, I was simultaneously relieved that it did not work out and sad for him that it did not work out. Very intense conversations and some very intense and loving love-making.
We talked about him being my secondary, and that I am his primary right now, and how does it all work? I told him he does not feel like my secondary. I never expected this to happen, but I really feel I want to build a true relationship with this man, spend time with him, get to know him, be part of his life and invite him into mine.

The freak out and the way he responded to it (I did not let him know the extent of the freak-out, but he did pick up on my insecurities) was another major poly lesson for me.

The next day he texted my husband and asked him if he wanted to get together.
Tomorrow they have a date... well not a real date obviously, but they're having lunch. Just thinking about it gives me a feeling like my heart is on fire, I think its so awesome that they are both willing to do this, invest time and effort i getting to know each other.

I won't be there, because I'm going away for the weekend with mrBrown.

It's kind of interesting to know you're going away for a weekend of boozing and lots of hot and slightly kinky sex while your husband and boyfriend are scheduled to have lunch together.

Earlier this week, I had some second thoughts about this weekend.. I haven't seen MrBrown for almost 2 months and the connection seems a little faded. That has a lot to do with the fact that I am so deep in NRE with C., want to be with him all the time, spend a lot of time thinking about him - emailing him - and travelling to actually be with him!
I also worried that he would be jealous. I know he is, a little, but he's also very open about it and I know he trusts me and my love for him.

And once I got into a little dirty texting with MrBrown I'm kind of looking forward to the weekend My relationship with him IS very special to me, because it is so free and open. And yes, also because I get to explore a side of my sexuality that I have never explored before. I used to think of myself being pretty dominant in the bedroom.. but with MrBrown there is no such thing. He's the boss. The dynamic of our relationship is that he is in control and calls the shots.. and while this hast cost me some anxiety in the past, I can now submit myself to this and enjoy how it makes me feel. I know most of it is a game and I enjoy playing it. He does not respond according to the 'rules'.. but only according to his own rules and according to the dynamic that we have (unspoken) agreed on.

For instance, yesterday I sent him a story that I wrote with some pretty explicit erotic fantasies. He did not acknowledge receiving it.
If C or my husband would not respond to such an email I would be upset and offended. With MrBrown I know this is part of the game. He takes control by not responding.. but I'm pretty sure something will happen this weekend that will be his 'response'to my story.

All very interesting and not like anything I experienced before.

So, yeah, just happy.
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #20  
Old 10-11-2012, 09:40 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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Posts: 414
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It's been a long long time since I posted.
It's been a long long summer... I am so very grateful that fall is here, a new season, a new beginning.
I read somewhere on this site that most people only post threads or update their blog when times are difficult. For me it's the other way around: All summer, with all its heartbreak and emotional mess, I did not feel like updating the blog at all. I did start a couple of threads asking for specific advice.. but I seemd to lack the peace of mind to talk about the bigger picture.

Things have settled down, somewhat, and I feel like journaling again.

For those of you who followed the stuff that was going on between my husband and his GF on my other threads: they're still together. For those of you who don't know what happened, here's the short version:

She has a boyfriend in another city who doesn't know about her relationship with my husband. The agreement was that she would be honest with Ren (my husband) about things. But he found out she was cheating on him, and to this day, doesn't really know how long the cheating had been going on and about how many things she lied to him.
I was very upset about it, one reason for this was that he broke one of our safer sex rules with her and that the fact that she had not been honest with him about her other sexual partners, made me feel like she betrayed me too (she knew about the rule).

Basically, we had 3 months of mess, where Ren was forever trying to break up with her, but he's so drawn to her, he kept saying 'if only I can accept that she's not honest with me' and he caught her at another lie and was devastated again. He talked to me about every moodswing, and then got upset with me when from our conversations, it was obvious that I'd prefer it if he breaks up with her (I never said this in words and really tried to just listen to him and be supportive, but I guess it was impossible for me to completely hide how I felt).

Last week it seems, or so he told me, that he had a breakthrough.
he says he no longer cares if she lies, and that he can accept her as she is. He also says that the relationship would be different from now on (she lspends half her time in our city, and when she's here, they used to see each other almost daily) : they will see each other less, have less email communication.

We'll see. I do notice that he's less stressed and restless about it. She's gone now and will be back in town next week. I will need to see and feel the 'new relationship' when it's actually happening, and in the meantime, have to wrap my head around the fact that my husbands GF is someone I don't like, don't really respect, and don;t want to socialize with.

So that's his story. Now onto mine...
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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