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  #161  
Old 08-02-2013, 08:14 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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IP and wildflowers, thank you for your stories.
I've been thinking about what you both wrote.

I think the key for me is that I need to fel that I CHOOSE my behavior in this. Wether it is going to the hospital and sit with my parents, or tell them 'no I can't make it today but I'll be there the day after tomorrow'

If I choose, and make decisions for myself, I resent being with them less - and when I don't go, I feel less guilty.

It's very true that I do not and should not expect support from them. They've never given it and they are not going to give it now.

Ren says I need to talk about myself more often when I'm with them. Just claim a litte space where my story gets to be told. But without expecting them to respond, care, of commiserate or whatever - just tell my story, be a presence, insted of someone who would rather be somewhere else.

I have an amazing group of people around me who love and support me and who are there for me. Hell, there are even strangers on the internet sharing their stories with me, to help me.

It's so strange to me that the way I am livng my life (completely open, reaching out, daring to be vulnerable, making deep and meaningful connections) is the exact opposite of how they raised me and how I behave with them.

Maybe Ren is right and I will feel better if I bring more of myself into the relationship - without any expectations, mind you.

Lots to think about.
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  #162  
Old 08-02-2013, 10:12 AM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
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Yes, exactly!
To choose to be there, and to show your true self (or as much of one as you choose).
Sounds like you're on a good path
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  #163  
Old 08-02-2013, 01:58 PM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cleo View Post
I think the key for me is that I need to fel that I CHOOSE my behavior in this. Wether it is going to the hospital and sit with my parents, or tell them 'no I can't make it today but I'll be there the day after tomorrow'
Being able to do that is important to me too. I usually will speak up and say what I can manage to do so that it's clear and nobody has unreasonable expectations of what I'm going to be able to manage.

And it helps with not feeling guilty.

Quote:
I have an amazing group of people around me who love and support me and who are there for me.
This is fantastic. Best possible situation to be in as far as I'm concerned.

Nobody can and will be there for you for everything.

When my old love died, the situation for me was traumatic and his death has affected me more than losing dad did. Old Love was old but healthy and I didn't expect him to die then. Dad was old, had dementia, had been miserable for years and death was a release for him - it was sad and I miss him but dying was better than living for him.

Old Love died suddenly one night and his death was a result of the vet we saw basically not listening to me and assuming that because Old Love wasn't making a massive fuss that he wasn't as ill as I thought he was. The vet chose to treat the case as a non emergency and Old Love paid for that with his life.

Anyway that night I left my Old Love with the vet after a bit of an argument and I went to meet my SO and a friend who were out together nearby. I was worried and I wanted to talk to them about why I was worried and about the nightmare I'd had trying to get the vet to listen to me. They tried to reassure me by telling me that they were sure the vet knew what he was doing and then tried to change the subject to take my mind off it.

I left. I told them that my worries were valid and that I wanted to talk about it and that I was going home to do that with friends who understand. That's what I did. Other friends help me sit the vigil of worry, waiting to hear if Old Love would pull through.

Then in the middle of the night the vet rang to tell me that Old Love was suffering from the condition I had suspected all along and that things had progressed too far for him to recover.

My SO was wonderful. He came to my house straight away and rang his boss the next day to take the day off and spend it with me. He didn't leave me alone for days. Our friend too made time to see me and to apologise for her attempts to lighten the mood with me, told me she had had no idea that things could go so badly so quickly with dogs.

My friend and SO were both wonderful at helping me through the aftermath but in the moment, when I was going through the immediate trauma and distress and worry, neither of them had the knowledge or experience to be able to empathise with me and neither of them could offer the support I needed.

So I think that there is a very real need for a wide range of friends and loves in our lives so that none of us end up resenting our loved ones for not being able to provide things that they just can't provide. That you have lots of love and support is a wonderful thing and puts you in a very good position.

Quote:
Maybe Ren is right and I will feel better if I bring more of myself into the relationship - without any expectations, mind you.
I think that is a great idea and well worth a try. Relationships so often become habitual. Where connections are missing, I think that those habits can sometimes work to support the lack of connection.

Maybe if you are in the habit of not talking much about yourself, it is having an impact on both you and your parents ability to connect with each other. Maybe if you shift that habit a little, it might make a bit of a difference.

IP
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  #164  
Old 08-04-2013, 08:18 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Originally Posted by InfinitePossibility View Post
We didn't turn up and offer our support because it made us feel warm and fuzzy. Watching a loved one starve to death over a period of weeks isn't going to make many people feel warm and fuzzy - it's brutal - the stuff of nightmares. Nor did we do it out of obligation or to avoid guilt. We all did it because people we care about needed help and support and we are all lucky enough to be physically, mentally and emotionally solid enough to provide those things.
been thinking about this.
I DON'T feel physically mentally and emotionally solid enough right now.

I'm in a pretty bad place. Anxious, sad, restless and depressed. Feels like grieving C is finally happening. No more feeling relieved - just sad. Like I failed (I know I didn't).
Feel like crying whenever someone talks to me.

I want to be left alone and I want reassurance from my loved ones.
I want peace and I want new things to make me feel alive.
I feel scared and insecure and alone.

I'm spending a couple of days by myself. I hope this will help.
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  #165  
Old 08-04-2013, 09:37 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Ah, Cleo - I've been in those dark places before. Take care of yourself dear x

I don't know if you've read this before, and it may not directly apply to where you're at at the moment, but I've found the analogy of mood/weather very useful in my own life:

http://www.lettersofnote.com/2009/10/it-will-be-sunny-one-day.html


Go gently, and hope you get what you need
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  #166  
Old 08-04-2013, 09:53 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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thank you fuchka that was beautiful to read.
It reminded me of one my favorite Pema Chodron quotes

You are the sky
Everything else, it's just the weather

It is a really good analogy.

My grandmother, who, had she lived in modern times would have been diagnosed with depression (in her days, it just meant that every now and then she stayed in bed for a month, everybody tiptoed around the house and outside help was brought in to look after the kids) had this habit of calling this number where you could hear the weather report. She was afraid of heat, thunder, and rain (because it could cause an accident that would kill someone in her family)
Her daughters found out when the phone bills kept getting higher and higher.

I can just see her, frantically dialing that number every hour or so, hoping the report had changed, not looking out the window to look at the actual weather, thinking that calling that number gave her some control over certain circumstances that she dreaded.

I truly believe that the way out of any upset, sadness and fear and depression and dark place, is to look at reality and see it for what it is and don't try to change it and if it's bad, just sit it out and don't think you can control it because you can't.

I know it to be true it's just that I haven't found the magic flip to switch so that I can actually start FEELING that way, too.
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  #167  
Old 08-06-2013, 04:21 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Things are still not very awesome around here.

Had 2 first dates last week... one with a guy I'm a 99 % match with on OKC. He is a GREAT guy.. I mean on paper he's perfect, and even in real life everything about him was good except for the fact that I felt zero attraction. I wrote about this on another thread and some stories about people ending up in a satisfying relationship with someone they did not feel attracted to on the first date, made me think ~I need to give him a second chance. Not sure though and I don't have a lot of energy right now. We're still emailing though so we'll see.

Other date was with very cure funny smart guy, we share a lot of views on life and love, and I was definitely attracted to him... and I think he's interested in me too. But I do get the sense he's more looking for a FWB type of thing than a real emotional connection. So I'm a little cautious. We were supposed to go on a second date tomorrow but I cancelled it because I'm too stressed out about my dad.. told him the truth about this and he was very gracious and said he hoped we would be able to get together soon. I hate breaking a date but it really did not feel right.. I know I'm vulnerable and looking for attention / comfort right now, and am scared this could lead to me making wrong / rash decisions.

Speaking of which.. I had the house to myself last night and a friend came over. I've known him for a long time, but we've only become close recently. There is a lot of chemistry between us, but we are working on a project together where he is sort of my mentor, and so I always thought we should NOT go the route of anything sexual. He is single, but last night told me he's met someone and they just started dating. I felt a little jealous ( I know... crazy) and at the same time relieved because he's mono and I thought now he's dating, it will take some of the tension between us away.
Well obviously not... we ended up kissing and cuddling and it was great, I mean it felt great in the moment, but afterwards I did feel sad. I know this is not going anywhere (would I want it too? don't really know) and I was scared it would have hurt our professional relationship. I also felt that I gave in to my feelings of loneliness, just wanting to feel another body to make some of the stress and hurt I'm experiencing go away. Not a very good reason perhaps to start a make out session

Anyway, today I'm alone, feeling a little lonely and blue. Not sure where my life is taking me at the moment - I sure don't feel very much in control right now.
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  #168  
Old 08-08-2013, 08:47 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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MrBrown broke up with me. Or I guess not really broke up with me, but said that for now he just wants to be friends. He gave me reasons that are valid, and that I could have seen coming, and are too painful to elaborate on here.

I haven't heard from BGuy or Knight in weeks.

I love Ren and he loves me. I think I might take a break from the forums for a while and focus on getting my relationship with myself to a better level. I feel so completely lost right now, lost, hurt, alone, like a failure.

I know all these things are not true, but with everything that's been happening over the last few months, it's getting kind of hard not to feel this way.
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Last edited by Cleo; 08-08-2013 at 08:52 AM.
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  #169  
Old 08-08-2013, 10:58 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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*holds you*

Your ability to recognise what you need, and take steps to get it, means you are NOT a failure.

Be gentle on yourself... x
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  #170  
Old 08-08-2013, 11:02 AM
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Mya Mya is offline
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Oh God, Cleo, I'm so sorry to hear that. Everything happening at once, must be really overwhelming. Please take care of yourself and believe that you're not a failure. You are a great, compassionate and loving person. *hugs*
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