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  #131  
Old 06-11-2013, 05:02 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Im really sorry. I also know there's a big difference between wanting to meet a metamour, and being willing to exchange an email or two. Being shut down totally would lead to more discomfort than I would want to deal with. I think I'd feel like a non-entity . If C is not going to become monogamous with Molly, he IS going to have to face dealing with the existence of other people in his life and cut that defensive BS out eventually, especially if they're more local, so I'm sorry he's not tackling it now.

MrBrown is right though, you are strong and you will make the decision that's best for you. I do want to change my statement though, your relationship with him might have more than one marked flaw - it's become compartmentalized when you wanted the opposite AND you're craving positive sexual experiences with him that you're not getting, and may never get if he's not willing to work hard to overcome ED/condom issues. I've dealt with both of those in relationships, and one of them is hard enough but I don't envy having to deal with both of them in one. *hug*
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  #132  
Old 06-13-2013, 03:54 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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So.

Where am I?

I didn't contact C for a couple of days. And I got the flu, which made everything seem so much worse, but was also good in a weird way - it made me able to really focus on myself, really look inside myself, and make decisions.

I read back through this thread. I realized that every time I was relieved and thought things would get better, it was because he said they would be. But then things didn't change (or they did, but for the worse).

I also realized that I've been unfair to him, and demanded things of him that I do (or did) not give him myself. It's true that the whole Molly / secrecy thing is a big issue. But other than that? I know he still loves me. Is it really his behavior that's causing the troubles? Is it my responses to his behavior?

There is only one thing I can change about the whole situation. And it isn't wether Molly wants to meet me. It isn't wether C makes me a priority. It's my own actions and reactions that I can control.

I sent him an email and said I want to start over, and differently. I did not really specify what would be different. I think it's up to me, mostly. I won't initiate contact so much. An email a day maybe, but not all the texting and that horrible messaging thing where you can see when someone was last online. I swear the devil invented this just to torture insecure control freaks!

We had a nice email exchange. We are spending next weekend together. Now my biggest challenge is to NOT start the cycle again.... where later tonight I will send him a text saying I love you and then will start waiting for the reply.

Trust and faith.

I know I sound like a teenager with petty relationship problems. I think maybe tis is because I never did this when I actually WAS a teenager? And I never did this with Ren. But then again I did not have to. We'd moved in together after 4 months
I did experience it a little with MrBrown. But he is SO incredibly clear about what he does and does not have to offer, that it's almost impossible to pine for him. C.'s flip flopping has made the insecure pining very easy. Not that I blame him - I think it's very possible that I chose him for this exact same reason: to experience this and to learn from it.

Anyway. I've been rehashing all of this so much I'm pretty tired of it and I'm guessing so is everyone who reads it. I hope this is truly the beginning of a new era. If not, I hope to find the strength to end it.
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  #133  
Old 06-13-2013, 04:13 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Oh!!! and with all that love stuff, I forgot to mention the most important bit of news.... drumroll please....

I submitted an article on spec to a major magazine in my country. I'm a published writer of articles and columns, but they have been mostly about another subject. I've recently started writing about more personal stuff, including my poly life, and wrote this piece that I submitted (after they had said they would be interested, without committing themselves).

They took a LOOOONG time in getting back to me, but I finally got word they're gonna publish it, and pay me good money for it, too
They won't publish until late fall, but it's very very exciting. This is a serious publication that I will get exposure in.

Well I say 'I' but it will be my alter ego. It will be published under an alias. I have very few secrets, but it's a very honest account of my life, which would be uncomfortable for other people. Anyway I don't care, the people who matter will know it's me (as will anyone who has ever read something by me, because I have a very distinctive writing voice - in my own language I mean) .

So, YAY!!!!!!!
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  #134  
Old 06-13-2013, 07:21 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Congrats!!!! And nobody's tired of reading about it - your processing helps shine a light on similar situations in others lives (ya know, like mine). You do seem to be learning from it, that's what this hard to deal with shit's about. Sucks, but gotta love these growth opportunities
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  #135  
Old 06-13-2013, 07:29 PM
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Congrats!
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Mr. Grey - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 12 years and father of our (3) children.
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  #136  
Old 06-13-2013, 07:33 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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Congratulations! You really are a talented writer.
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  #137  
Old 06-14-2013, 02:58 AM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
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Congrats re the writing!

And don't worry about rehashing stuff. it's what you need to do, and you're certainly not the only one. I've seen a lot here that I recognize from my own experience, and it's been helpful to read your reactions and also to see that it's not just me.

I think you're on the right track with the idea that your actions and reactions are the only ones you can control.

If you're anything like me you'll need to come to that realization quite a few times before it really starts to stick. And you may find that it can be really hard not to start the cycle again. It's tough to disregard a way of thinking and feeling that seems innate, whose underlying assumptions you've never questioned (ok, that may be more me than describing you). And it can be tough to feel you don't any control over the course of the relationship (but maybe we never really have any control, and you're just more aware of its absence here).

Ok, I'm tired and probably rambling.

What I was trying to get at though was just to acknowledge that even if you feel you should do something differently, that you have contributed to the issues, those changes are hard, so don't be surprised or too hard on yourself if you find yourself getting stuck again.

And I hope you find a new balance that feels more comfortable for you.
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  #138  
Old 06-17-2013, 12:11 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Last night, within one hour, I had

- cuddled with Ren and reminisced a little about the Awesome Sex we'd had the night before

- exchanged emails with C. about the possibility of doing a little photo shoot this weekend - we are both pretty good amateur photographers, and it's been always a dream of mine to have someone I trust take beautiful naked pictures (or pics in nice underwear) of me. He was enthusiastic about the idea I think it will be fun to do something together that is erotic and sexy but not necessarily about having sex.

- exchanged messages and kinky pics that I found online with MrBrown, and discussed exploring our boundaries, things we could do in our next session, showing each other images of things we would like to do.

I do have a very nice life

************************

Also, feeling pretty relaxed about C at the moment. We stopped doing the messaging thing where you can see when one has last been online and it has made a huge difference. We talked on the phone on Friday, a nice long conversation where I updated him about the situation with my dad, he updated me about some stuff that's going on with him. Other that that we've been sending like one email a day. I am no longer obsessed with what he's doing and why he is not contacting me. There is definitely a lot more distance, also emotionally - but since I wasn't getting the emotional closeness that I wanted, I think this is good.

We'll be spending the weekend together. I am looking forward to it. Part of me is still sad about what I no longer have, and the things I dreamed about having with him. But only time will tell if what there is left, will be enough to maintain a committed relationship. At least I am no longer anxious, upset and terribly sad all the time... so, much has changed for the better.

Ren is traveling with Lou next week, and I have fun dates lined up - BGuy is coming over for what will hopefully be great sex, and Knight is coming over for dinner and hopefully cuddles - although I would be fine just giving him dinner, he hasn't been to my house in 18 months, we always meet in bars, and it will be very nice and relaxed to have him in my home.

Family situation still very sad and stressful and it doesn't look like it will change anytime soon. Trying to take care of myself as best I can, through connecting with my friends and loved ones, sharing my story, and having fun while I can.
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Last edited by Cleo; 06-17-2013 at 12:21 PM.
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  #139  
Old 06-25-2013, 08:10 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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I have the house to myself, and right now, am waiting for BGuy to ring my doorbell.
Am a little nervous and excited. But oh I love this feeling. Waiting for someone you don't know very well but are very attracted to. Not sure how the evening will go. Excited. Turned on. Happy anticipation.

Love it
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  #140  
Old 06-25-2013, 08:25 PM
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FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I hope your evening goes well, Cleo!
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