My boyfriend is upset, can you overcome jealousy issues?

[Aurelie26]

Originally Posted by nycindie

. Now cuckolding can be done on purpose as a fetish, if a guy wants to be cuckolded, but I doubt that that's what your bf wants. Do you think he might want that and not realize it? It's always possible that a part of him, as a kink or fetish, gets turned on by the idea of being humiliated -- and maybe that's why he keeps asking you about your lover's dick. He might not even know that he could be turned on by this. I don't understand humiliation as I always want to feel empowered during sex, but I know some guys really get off thinking about their women being serviced by "bulls" - guys with big dicks - but especially guys with bigger dicks than theirs. Does he get really lusty after he asks you these questions? Maybe you could say, "I won't answer you until you fuck me" and see if it revs his engines during sex to hear about your lover's big cock. But if it just seems like he's insecure and upset about you and your lover, then I doubt it's humiliation and cuckolding he wants.

Originally Posted by Anneintherain

I really don't know what a person who is enjoying being cuckholded feels, if your bf likes it and doesn't know, figuring out if he gets something out of that could be tricky.

I really dont think that my bf would be turned on by that idea, and if I was to say to him............ "I won't answer you until you fuck me" we would both end up doubled over with laughter. My lover is the one for dirty sex talk. My bf would think I was nuts.

[Aurelie26]

Originally Posted by dingedheart

My thought is from the point of a 28..29 yr old male ... first off it is a huge deal he's watching your kid. At 28 I wouldn't have gone on a third date if I knew you had a kid. I wouldn't have wanted the extra trouble ...the responsibility... I was barely responsible for myself let alone someone else's kid. The whole thing would have been terrifying. Also I'd wanted all those firsts ....just me but I think its a huge deal.

Well thankfully for my son, my bf did not feel this way. They hit it off straight away.

He does not think of himself as a babysitter, he does not think that Max is some kind of baggage or extra trouble, he loves him to bits and Max loves him.

They love to hang out together, they are always doing stuff that will often exclude me, whether I'm there or not. My son knows how loved he is by my bf, he knows because he is always being hugged, kissed, spoilt and looked after by him. I never ask him to do this, he does this because he loves him.

He does not watch him, he looks after him, jointly with me. He baths him, helps him dress, takes him to the park, reads him stories, puts him to bed. etc etc. He does everything a Dad does, and he does this because he sees him as his son, and Max sees him as his Dad.

He does not have to stay in when I go out on my dates, he can, and sometimes does go out also. We can get sitters for Max at anytime.

[Aurelie26]

Originally Posted by Anneintherain

Some questions to ask are do you feel unhappy at BF's unhappiness, or are you indifferent to it and just want it to stop so it doesn't interfere with the relationship with your lover? Are you actively bothered when your lover gets arrogant, or are you flattered instead of actively standing up for your relationship with BF?

My bf comes first, the idea that I could be indifferent to his unhappiness is so very wrong.

I like his arrogance, but not when it is directed towards bf. I make it clear to him that my bf comes first, although, I dont really like to mention my bf at all to my lover. He does not like to talk about his wife when he is with me either.

Originally Posted by nycindie

Really, though, before all that, I do think you and your bf just need to have a heart to heart discussion about any discomfort he has surrounding your continuing to see your lover, and I also think limiting it to once a week might be helpful if he is feeling neglected.

That's right Cindie, this is what I'm going to do, I am pretty clear in my mind how I am going to go about this now.

[Aurelie26]

Originally Posted by redpepper

I think that once the sex dies down (even good sex gets kinda mundane and routine with time), you will find that your lovers arrogance and attitude doesn't make for a long term thing. I think you will find that your bf is a keeper and his attitude and patience will shine through as a better long term choice.

Well, I do see my relationship with my bf as a long time thing, thats for certain. Whether I will become sick of my lover I dont know. I have been with my lover for two and a half years now, and I am still as sexually attracted to him as I ever was, and the sex we have has not as of yet got mundane, it may do though. I do love him, but I dont think that our love could stand up to day to day normality the way my love for my bf does.

I was envious of your arrangement when you told me, I have been reading your blog and your right it is long, so I've only got through some of it. I find it to be so interesting, and I respect you so much for keeping your relationships together. It does at times seem to be such a struggle, and I realise how easy I have had it up to now.

You seem to fight for what you want and I admire the emotional strength that you must possess, it's something that I dont have. While I am happy to battle and fight with my lover, it only takes a few crossed words from my bf (As we had last night, a silly row over nothing) to leave me in fits of tears and unable to sleep.

I will continue you to enjoy reading your blog.

[dingedheart]

Could your bf 's love and affection for your son and the love and affection returned by your son be a factor in him tolerating this.

This could a factor on both sides of this. Your conflicted feeling...not wanting to lose a bf and father for your son. And him loving your son, loving you completely and loving the dad role that he swallows the pain and humiliation or discomfort. The loss of the 2 of you would be more painful.

[Anneintherain]

Originally Posted by Aurelie26

Yes, this does really bother me. I have asked him why he does this and told him that I miss him waiting up for me..........He tells me that I'm being stupid, he says that he cant wait up for me because I come in to late and he has to be up early. He also says that my son has got used to sleeping with him when I'm not there and that Max likes it. I dont believe him, and I know he pretends to be asleep when he is not sometimes.

Tommorrow, I'm going to tell him how much this upsets me, and ask him if he will wait up, if I promise to come in earlier.

Also, if he is a begrudging and hurt bystander, I want him to tell me, at the moment he just sulks, and says the odd thing like "Does he have a big dick."

Aurelie, maybe he is just bored so goes to bed. Maybe taking care of your child is tiring so he relaxes with a quiet house and falls asleep when your son does. Maybe he really IS like...I have to get up early, I want to go to sleep. I don't think it's right or fair to expect him to wait up for you, it seems selfish and frankly, controlling. Wake him up sweetly when you get home if you want his attention.

If you want him to wait up for you, don't just promise to come in earlier, promise to be home by X o'clock. And I highly recommend that over saying "well please wait up til 11:30 and I'll try to be home, you can go to sleep if I'm not home by then" and then only coming home sometimes by that time, leaving him irritated that he waited up sometimes when he's tired but couldn't go to bed because he promised not to.

[Aurelie26]

Originally Posted by dingedheart

Could your bf 's love and affection for your son and the love and affection returned by your son be a factor in him tolerating this.

This could a factor on both sides of this. Your conflicted feeling...not wanting to lose a bf and father for your son. And him loving your son, loving you completely and loving the dad role that he swallows the pain and humiliation or discomfort. The loss of the 2 of you would be more painful.

The love he has for my Son is a factor, but the main thing is his love for me, and mine for him.

It means the world to me that my son has a Daddy now and one that loves him, and is not afraid to show him affection, I will never deny that, it means the world to Max also.

My lover thinks that I'm with my bf for this reason, this and the fact that he works hard to look after us and provide the things my Son & I want.

He's wrong, yes it's a factor, and I am very attracted to that side of my bf, the side that allows him to show his feelings, both to me and Max. The opposite to my lover.

I love my boyfriend though, not because my son loves him, or because he loves Max. I love him.

[Aurelie26]

Originally Posted by Anneintherain

Aurelie, maybe he is just bored so goes to bed. Maybe taking care of your child is tiring so he relaxes with a quiet house and falls asleep when your son does. Maybe he really IS like...I have to get up early, I want to go to sleep. I don't think it's right or fair to expect him to wait up for you, it seems selfish and frankly, controlling. Wake him up sweetly when you get home if you want his attention.

If you want him to wait up for you, don't just promise to come in earlier, promise to be home by X o'clock. And I highly recommend that over saying "well please wait up til 11:30 and I'll try to be home, you can go to sleep if I'm not home by then" and then only coming home sometimes by that time, leaving him irritated that he waited up sometimes when he's tired but couldn't go to bed because he promised not to.

Yes, I know it's selfish. I dont know why it means that much to me, it does though.

I asked him to wait up for me tonight, he said that he would.

[Anneintherain]

Aurelie, something you should keep in mind your bf is passing his NRE stage as well with you perhaps, that could be another factor in not waiting up for you.

I really think you need to let it go. I might mean a lot to you, but it doesn't mean anything healthy. If you really want you relationship with your bf to thrive, you have a lot of work to be doing on your own. The more you share about your relationship the more likely it seems to me that your boyfriend might be having the attitude he has because you have other stuff going on.

Having read all of these books, I highly recommend them for your particular situation, for your boyfriend to read too. Sounds like he could use his own help for setting boundaries.

http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No.../dp/0894864025

http://www.amazon.com/How-Be-Couple-...3648752&sr=1-1

http://www.amazon.com/Have-Give-Love...3648855&sr=1-1

[km34]

Originally Posted by Aurelie26

Yes, I know it's selfish. I dont know why it means that much to me, it does though.

I asked him to wait up for me tonight, he said that he would.

Did you set a specific time that you would be home so that he isn't stuck waiting indefinitely? I think that is an important sign of your willingness to work with him to make him more comfortable with the situation.