My boyfriend is upset, can you overcome jealousy issues?

[zylya]

Originally Posted by Aurelie26

I respectfully disagree, and return to Dingedhearts analogy about the pro footballer. You can coach an average man to be a better fooball player, you cannot make him a pro, it's the same with sex. With regard to my boyfriend cumming to quickly, we have worked on this together and things are good, however he will never be able to last like my lover, who can literally last as long as he wants, and he does, he cums when he wants to. I have never been with any other man that can do this. He is great at sex, it's a talent he has. He would be a pro footballer. You can also not teach or give someone a magic touch, you can teach a man how and where you like to be touched, but thats it.

The analogy of a pro-footballer is also wrong, and also irrelevant. Pro-football takes years of training, and given the age range that you can play within it means that you have to start playing and be given decent training when you're very young. That said, ANYONE who gets that level of training has a shot at pro-football. The development of skill is not based on some form of innate talent but deliberate practise. Given that there is no "age range" for sex like there is for pro-football, you can keep on improving for years to come. Your evidence is anecdotal, because the number of men you have been with is statistically insignificant - that is to say you haven't been with a large enough number of men to know if your lover really is one of a kind. The magic touch is not magic, but based on factors of physiology, and you most definitely can teach it.

Let me give you an example of something my bf has that my lover does not, and never will have.

My orgasms are far more powerful with my lover, but my boyfriends own orgasms are way more powerful than my lovers. When my lover cums it just kind of dribbles out, where with my bf, stand back ladies. lol I have never seen so much cum squirt out of a dick at such speed and velocity as it does out of my bfs penis. It can fly a good few feet lol and I dont know where it all comes from because he has small balls, although they are perfectly formed. This is a talent that my lover cannot learn, even though his balls are big.

This is one of the reasons I love giving my bf oral. I love bigger dicks, but I do love felating my bfs cuter and smaller cock. He has a very sensitive penis, this is why he doesn't last long, but this also means that he gets so much pleasure out of me giving him oral, I have to take things softly, and I get a massive kick out of giving him that much pleasure. My lover, well, his penis is not in anyway sensitive, I can do what I like to it. haha

My bf and I love to 69 with each other, because he cums quickly and we like to cum together, and because it takes me much longer to get there, this is what we do.

I know my man now and I know when he is going to cum, so when he reaches that point I will stop for a minute, while he continues. Then I will start again, and we go on like this. I stop and start and he will continue all the time. It gets him so exited that it gets to the point that I can only suck him for 10 seconds. I edge him, and when we do this, thats when he can really explode. lol He loves it, and so do I. We have it down so well now that we can pretty much cum at the same time, or close to it.

You missed out answering my question about what you won't do with your boyfriend that you will with your lover and why you wouldn't do those things. You talked of no boundaries which suggests specific acts or some form of kink.

[Aurelie26]

Originally Posted by zylya

When you say that you do stuff with your lover that you never would with your boyfriend, why not?

Well, lets take the BDSM things that my lover does to me, like I say there is
not that many boundaries.

My bf and I did once try a bit of it BDSM, I thought that he might like it. We did have a great time, it was hysterical. We couldn't stop laughing. My bf could not take that sort of thing serious, he is a very tender loving person. He is not able to smack me and be even semi serious about it. He is gentle and would never hurt me, even if it's just pretend. It's not in him, and you know something. I dont want it to be. His strength is his tenderness. Also, we have fun in bed, we laugh, he tiggles me and it's nice. He could never rip my panties off, he would feel stupid doing something like that.

My lover does have a streak of nastiness in him, I'm not saying he's not nice, but he can smack me hard and mean it. He will rip my panties off, he is a dominant and serious person. He enjoys tying me up, I enjoy it because he does, there is that element of danger with him. It turns me on. He controls me. BDSM suits his personality.

I also enjoy anal sex, I have tried to encourage my lovely bf to enjoy it as well. He is open to trying new things, but he will not do stuff he does not enjoy, and i wouldn't ask or want him to. If he's not turned on doing it, what is the point? If the person that is doing it, does not get turned on, neither do I. We have tried anal together, he does not like it. I asked why, he says "I dont know, I just dont." Thats fine, I will never ask my lovely man to do something he doesn't like doing.

My lover on the other hand has no problem touching, kissing and penetrating me in that area. He loves it.

I could give other examples, but I hope those two answer your question.

[zylya]

Ok, thanks for answering all my questions.

For now, since it just seems like he's getting moody, I'd continue as you are - if he has a problem with it, then he needs to bring it up - you can't make him overcome his jealousy, he has to want that for himself first. It doesn't seem like you're doing anything specifically to antagonise him about it, so I wouldn't even cut down the amount of time you see your lover. The furthest I'd go is to reassure him that the two of you can discuss things openly and honestly and that if he has any problem, he can bring it up with you.

When he brings it up (or if I've misunderstood and he has already brought it up), then explain the difference in the sex between the two of them - don't make it about better/worse, and please don't use expressions like "not man enough sexually" [a quote from someone earlier in the topic] which is a surefire way to cause a whole load of hurt real quick. Explain that you have a strong desire for the BDSM aspect/the other stuff that he [your boyfriend] doesn't want to do and remember to point out that you enjoy your sex life with him as well, but you don't want to make him do stuff he doesn't enjoy. He'll probably say he can change and stuff like that, and you should give him the chance to do so, but be warned that if you give up your lover, he's likely to push more and more for you to give up other things he doesn't like.

[Aurelie26]

Originally Posted by Brid75

This is an interesting point that Anneintherain makes. She questions if what your lover is doing is Poly?

Well, for me Poly is when a person wants more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge of everyone involved and everyone is happy to participate, even if this is, as a mono.

Aurelie, this is not what you have at the moment, although, I think it is what you are striving for, and I think it is brave of you to come on this forum and be so honest about your situation.

Anneintherain says " I'm wondering if you're purposefully participating in cuckolding instead of poly."

You then ask her....."Do I cuckold my bf? Well, what does that mean."

Well if you look the word up in a dictionary it says......"The husband of an unfaithful wife."

I think theres a bit more to it than that. To me a cuckold is this.

When a faithful husband/boyfriend is in a loving relationship with a wife/girlfriend who has sexual relations with another man (A Bull), and the husband/boyfriend knows what is happening and does not like it, but does nothing to stop it because he is either to weak, or to much in love with his wife/girlfriend. The wife/girlfriend knows it makes her husband/boyfriend unhappy but does it anyway.

I think that describes your lovely mans situation at the moment to a tee. So yes, I do think you are cuckolding your boyfriend, but.....................

I do not think you are wrong to do so, in fact I think you and your lover should continue to cuckold your boyfriend.........For now anyway.

I do not doubt that you love your boyfriend as much as you say. I also DONT believe you want to purposefully humilate him, or hurt him in any way, or that you get turned on by the possilbility of that. I think you want to help him except the situation you find yourselves in, and in doing so, make him happy in your relationship. When this happens, you will have the poly relationship you want and deserve.

You cannot have this until everything is sorted out with your boyfriend, and you should not give up what you have with your lover until you know your boyfriend will never be able to except and come to terms with your relationship with your lover.

This post really gets to me, it's not that I dont appreciate your honesty and help because I do, and that's what I'm here for.

It's just that I hate that word cuckold. It has such a stigma attached to it, you describe what it means, and then tell me that it describes my boyfriend to a tee.

It hurts because when I think about it, sometimes I think it's true. My bf has done and still does so much for us, he loves us both so much, and I repay him by doing what I'm doing. I know he knew from the beginning, but still...............He's lovely and he is a very sensitive person and if he was to think that I thought he was a cuckold it would hurt him so much, or maybe he thinks it himself already.

Can I ask the other people on this forum, Arrowbound, Brid75, Dingedheart, Jericka, nycindie, Anneintherain, redpepper, Zylya, Annabelmore, Mudita, or anyone else who has any experience with this sort of thing, two questions

1) Do you think that my lover and I make a cuckold of my boyfriend, and if so, do you think that what I'm doing is really terrible, because sometimes I think it is. What do you think?

2) If you think we are cuckolding him, do you think I should stop now, and just be with my boyfriend? You can be honest, because thats what I want, it's not as if I have people to talk to about this. Only two people know, and although they dont have a go at me about it, I know they dont approve.

Thanks.

[Brid75]

Originally Posted by Aurelie26

ILet me give you an example of something my bf has that my lover does not, and never will have.

My orgasms are far more powerful with my lover, but my boyfriends own orgasms are way more powerful than my lovers. When my lover cums it just kind of dribbles out, where with my bf, stand back ladies. lol I have never seen so much cum squirt out of a dick at such speed and velocity as it does out of my bfs penis. It can fly a good few feet lol and I dont know where it all comes from because he has small balls, although they are perfectly formed. This is a talent that my lover cannot learn, even though his balls are big.

This is one of the reasons I love giving my bf oral. I love bigger dicks, but I do love felating my bfs cuter and smaller cock. He has a very sensitive penis, this is why he doesn't last long, but this also means that he gets so much pleasure out of me giving him oral, I have to take things softly, and I get a massive kick out of giving him that much pleasure. My lover, well, his penis is not in anyway sensitive, I can do what I like to it. haha

My bf and I love to 69 with each other, because he cums quickly and we like to cum together, and because it takes me much longer to get there, this is what we do.

I know my man now and I know when he is going to cum, so when he reaches that point I will stop for a minute, while he continues. Then I will start again, and we go on like this. I stop and start and he will continue all the time. It gets him so exited that it gets to the point that I can only suck him for 10 seconds. I edge him, and when we do this, thats when he can really explode. lol He loves it, and so do I. We have it down so well now that we can pretty much cum at the same time, or close to it.

The love you have for your boyfriend really shines through in your posts Aurelie.

I think the post that I have quoted is so sweet, and I hope you have told your boyfriend that you have never known another man who was able to shoot such a heavy load. The part where you say it can fly a good few feet made me laugh. I knew a guy like that once.

[Brid75]

Originally Posted by Aurelie26

This post really gets to me, it's not that I dont appreciate your honesty and help because I do, and that's what I'm here for.

It's just that I hate that word cuckold. It has such a stigma attached to it, you describe what it means, and then tell me that it describes my boyfriend to a tee.

It hurts because when I think about it, sometimes I think it's true. My bf has done and still does so much for us, he loves us both so much, and I repay him by doing what I'm doing. I know he knew from the beginning, but still...............He's lovely and he is a very sensitive person and if he was to think that I thought he was a cuckold it would hurt him so much, or maybe he thinks it himself already.

Can I ask the other people on this forum, Arrowbound, Brid75, Dingedheart, Jericka, nycindie, Anneintherain, redpepper, Zylya, Annabelmore, Mudita, or anyone else who has any experience with this sort of thing, two questions

1) Do you think that my lover and I make a cuckold of my boyfriend, and if so, do you think that what I'm doing is really terrible, because sometimes I think it is. What do you think?

2) If you think we are cuckolding him, do you think I should stop now, and just be with my boyfriend? You can be honest, because thats what I want, it's not as if I have people to talk to about this. Only two people know, and although they dont have a go at me about it, I know they dont approve.

Thanks.

1) Yes I do think you are cuckolding your boyfriend, but, no I do not think you are being terrible


2) No, you should not stop now. That would not work.


I know the word cuckold can be taken the wrong way, and you should never ever talk to your loving boyfriend with anything other then love & kindness, and as Zylya said never use language like cuckold or say to him he's not man enough sexually. I think it helps to be brutally honest sometimes on a forum like this and your boyfriend is never going to read it so he's not getting hurt. As I said though, nobody should use that kind of talk in real life.


Aurelie, talk to your man with love and respect, this is how I treat my husband, and I'm certain by your posts on here that that is how you are with your boyfriend.

[Brid75]

Originally Posted by Aurelie26

My lover dominates me, he can go fast, slow, hard or softly.

He can go so hard, for so long that I reach a plateau and I will have mulitiple orgasms and I end up squirting. He makes me lose myself. He manhandles me one minute and the next he will be giving me oral so good that it drives me crazy. I can ride him for as long as I need without worrying if he's going to come, he doesn't, no matter how fast and hard I go.

We are both kinky, we have very few boundaries and we do stuff that i would never do with my bf. My lover is exceptional at everything and when we are done, 10 minutes later he can go again and make it completely different and yet always with the same result. He makes me feel incredible, and my boyfriend cant because he doesn't have what my lover has.

I love my boyfriend more though, and that counts for more than anything.

Do not give that ^^^^^^^^^ up unless you have to.

Also, remember this, if you do give it up, because it's hurting your boyfriend so much. It might well cause you to resent him, and where will that leave you? It may be that in the end you are left without your lover...... your boyfriend is without you......... and your son is without his Dad. You need to fight for that poly relationship girl. In the long run it will be best for everyone, including your boyfriend.

The only way that everyone can stay 100% happy is for you to convince and encourage your boyfriend to be happy to participate in a poly relationship. If he does not want to go with different girls, and you cant find him a regular girl that he really likes, then he can be Mono in the relationship.

It's up to you though, you have to make sure your boyfriend knows that he comes first, and that you and your son cannot, and will not do without him. Do you truly love your boyfriend more?????????? It sounds like you do to me.

Make sure he knows it and that he is 110% certain off it. If he is, his insecurities will go, and then he will be more likely to want to participate in a poly relationship.



Your lover sounds incredible, and your boyfriend sounds so lovely, and the two combined add up to what sounds like, by your descriptions, a very very fulfilling sex life. If you add that to all the love, affection and kindness you and your son get from your boyfriend it sounds perfect.



If you can keep both, that will make you a very lucky girl.

[Brid75]

Originally Posted by zylya

The analogy of a pro-footballer is also wrong, and also irrelevant. Pro-football takes years of training, and given the age range that you can play within it means that you have to start playing and be given decent training when you're very young. That said, ANYONE who gets that level of training has a shot at pro-football. The development of skill is not based on some form of innate talent but deliberate practise. Given that there is no "age range" for sex like there is for pro-football, you can keep on improving for years to come. Your evidence is anecdotal, because the number of men you have been with is statistically insignificant - that is to say you haven't been with a large enough number of men to know if your lover really is one of a kind. The magic touch is not magic, but based on factors of physiology, and you most definitely can teach it

I do not agree, are you saying that all men could be at a level playing field sexually. Not all men can be porn stars. In my experience most men are average sexually, some are terrible, some are good. The odd man is an uber lover, they are very view and far between. I have only come across one, and my experience is plentiful. You can teach an average lover to be good, but he will never be an uber lover.

[zylya]

Originally Posted by Brid75

I do not agree, are you saying that all men could be at a level playing field sexually. Not all men can be porn stars. In my experience most men are average sexually, some are terrible, some are good. The odd man is an uber lover, they are very view and far between. I have only come across one, and my experience is plentiful. You can teach an average lover to be good, but he will never be an uber lover.

I don't believe it's that they are incapable, merely that they either do not have the desire to learn, or they don't realise that it is a learnable skill OR they are too caught up in their social programming to know any better.

Remember, it is still within the last 50 or so years that female orgasm has even been accepted as anything more than a myth. Despite the increased liberalism, we're still very much influenced by puritanical beliefs (hence why a lot of people think you're cheating even if everyone agrees to polyamory). Note, that's as a society, not as individuals - there are a lot of people who have broken free of that influence, but an even larger number who haven't.

Being a good lover is a skill, but it's not innate. Pretty much every guy was shit his first time and didn't have a clue what was going on! The way you get good was reading/watching lots of stuff, asking questions, judging reactions, and of course plenty of practise

The problem is, when you're with an incredible lover, you only see the RESULT of his skill development. As an example, I'm really into sexual hypnosis (orgasm on command, that sort of stuff). When I share that with a partner, at first they don't believe it's possible, then afterwards they can't believe I did it. They think I'm some sort of miracle worker. What they didn't see was the hours of study that I did, not just about sexual hypnosis, but hypnosis in general and hypnotherapy as well as orgasm control and conditioning, as well as all the times I've practised it, nor the discussions I've had with people about it.

I mean, obviously there's more to being a great lover than learning a few cheap tricks, but understanding the female body is a good first step, yet so few guys understand even that. There's so much out there on the internet about the female body, but there has to be that desire to actually go and find it and put it into practise.

That's why so many guys end up completely different lovers - it's not a natural-born thing, but a product of either learning or experience, or both, combined with an actual desire to give someone else pleasure.

At least, that's how I see it.

---

Edit: Just to add that you can teach him to be good, but unless he wants to LEARN he will never improve that much.

[km34]

Originally Posted by Aurelie26

1) Do you think that my lover and I make a cuckold of my boyfriend, and if so, do you think that what I'm doing is really terrible, because sometimes I think it is. What do you think?

2) If you think we are cuckolding him, do you think I should stop now, and just be with my boyfriend? You can be honest, because thats what I want, it's not as if I have people to talk to about this. Only two people know, and although they dont have a go at me about it, I know they dont approve.

1. Yes. It's only terrible if your boyfriend isn't a willing participant. I would be very concerned about the fact that your boyfriend doesn't wait up for you anymore and that he places your son between the two of you after you've been with your lover. It seems to me that he has gone from a willing and supportive participant to a begrudging and hurt bystander.

2. I don't think quitting "cold turkey" right this second is going to accomplish anything. I think you may need to face facts that this particular lover is NOT good for your relationship with your boyfriend (due to his disrespect for your bf, your bf's jealousy/envy, and your own belief that you can't find that sort of sexual gratification anywhere else - because you can. Someone else like that is out there). OR you need to work with your boyfriend A LOT to figure out what made him start to feel uncomfortable with the situation, if he feels prepared to deal with the consequences if you do break things off with the lover, etc.

Originally Posted by Brid75

The love you have for your boyfriend really shines through in your posts Aurelie.

I think the post that I have quoted is so sweet, and I hope you have told your boyfriend that you have never known another man who was able to shoot such a heavy load. The part where you say it can fly a good few feet made me laugh. I knew a guy like that once.

Ditto this... You really do seem to love your boyfriend so much, and it really surprises me that you are so eager to continue a relationship that is hurting him. Your relationship with your lover seems purely sexual.. Am I wrong about that? Why not try to find a DIFFERENT sexual partner who is comparable in size, stamina, and interests (I'm thinking mostly of the BDSM side here) who is more respectful of your primary relationship? I could not and would not put up with a person who continually disrespected my partner. I don't think I would put a with a person who would disrespect someone as sweet as your bf in general even if I weren't involved with him! I don't care how good the sex is, is it worth knowing that you're allowing that negativity about the man who is at home taking care of your child?

Originally Posted by Brid75

Do not give that ^^^^^^^^^ up unless you have to.

Also, remember this, if you do give it up, because it's hurting your boyfriend so much. It might well cause you to resent him, and where will that leave you? It may be that in the end you are left without your lover...... your boyfriend is without you......... and your son is without his Dad. You need to fight for that poly relationship girl. In the long run it will be best for everyone, including your boyfriend.

The only way that everyone can stay 100% happy is for you to convince and encourage your boyfriend to be happy to participate in a poly relationship. If he does not want to go with different girls, and you cant find him a regular girl that he really likes, then he can be Mono in the relationship.

It's up to you though, you have to make sure your boyfriend knows that he comes first, and that you and your son cannot, and will not do without him. Do you truly love your boyfriend more?????????? It sounds like you do to me.

Make sure he knows it and that he is 110% certain off it. If he is, his insecurities will go, and then he will be more likely to want to participate in a poly relationship.

Your lover sounds incredible, and your boyfriend sounds so lovely, and the two combined add up to what sounds like, by your descriptions, a very very fulfilling sex life. If you add that to all the love, affection and kindness you and your son get from your boyfriend it sounds perfect.

If you can keep both, that will make you a very lucky girl.

I agree with most of this... The only thing your lover sounds incredible at is sex, but I wouldn't enjoy him as a lover for a variety of reasons. I do think you can't just give your lover up to make your bf happy - you have to WANT to give your lover up to make your bf happy or you will be risking serious resentment. (You may want to add this to the list of things to talk to your boyfriend about). You have gotten so used to having them both that I can totally understand why the thought of losing one aspect of your life would seem devastating. I still believe, though, that you could easily replace your lover. Well, maybe not easily, it may take time and effort to find another man as endowed and with stamina, but it can be done.

Originally Posted by zylya

I don't believe it's that they are incapable, merely that they either do not have the desire to learn, or they don't realise that it is a learnable skill OR they are too caught up in their social programming to know any better.

Remember, it is still within the last 50 or so years that female orgasm has even been accepted as anything more than a myth. Despite the increased liberalism, we're still very much influenced by puritanical beliefs (hence why a lot of people think you're cheating even if everyone agrees to polyamory). Note, that's as a society, not as individuals - there are a lot of people who have broken free of that influence, but an even larger number who haven't.

Being a good lover is a skill, but it's not innate. Pretty much every guy was shit his first time and didn't have a clue what was going on! The way you get good was reading/watching lots of stuff, asking questions, judging reactions, and of course plenty of practise

The problem is, when you're with an incredible lover, you only see the RESULT of his skill development. As an example, I'm really into sexual hypnosis (orgasm on command, that sort of stuff). When I share that with a partner, at first they don't believe it's possible, then afterwards they can't believe I did it. They think I'm some sort of miracle worker. What they didn't see was the hours of study that I did, not just about sexual hypnosis, but hypnosis in general and hypnotherapy as well as orgasm control and conditioning, as well as all the times I've practised it, nor the discussions I've had with people about it.

I mean, obviously there's more to being a great lover than learning a few cheap tricks, but understanding the female body is a good first step, yet so few guys understand even that. There's so much out there on the internet about the female body, but there has to be that desire to actually go and find it and put it into practise.

That's why so many guys end up completely different lovers - it's not a natural-born thing, but a product of either learning or experience, or both, combined with an actual desire to give someone else pleasure.

At least, that's how I see it.

---

Edit: Just to add that you can teach him to be good, but unless he wants to LEARN he will never improve that much.

The best lover I've ever had is my husband, and I KNOW that it's because we learned how to be awesome together. After just over 7 years, our fervent desire to please each other, our willingness to explore pretty much anything, and a whole lot of talking/instructions/reviews... It's amazing. I really think, like zylya, that anyone can learn to be a great lover if they find a person that they want to please enough to put in the effort.