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  #51  
Old 04-01-2012, 06:04 PM
Aurelie26 Aurelie26 is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Your posts remind me where Mono, PN and I were three years ago. Now things have changed, as they always do. I would suggest getting to the bottom of the issues going on soon and with lots of attention because when the sex dies down and there is every day life and less of it, those issues become the forefront of everything if there wasn't a chance to deal with them.

I still get lots of sex and there are still differences between my bf and husband, but the intensity is not the same. The replacement has been that we all live together now and my boy (9) has two dad figures and is the luckiest kid ever. The balance is better for everyone, but the intense connected sex is limited.

There are two big difference however. I don't care about cock size at all. I think big cocks are over rated and Mono has never said one single derogatory thing about PN. He has always had his best interest in EVERYTHING he does. He is completely dedicated to PN and the health of our relationship. Without PN we would likely not be together.
That is a fantastic arrangement you have. Do your husband and bf never fight? Do they take turns with sex? How does it work when you all live together. Also in what way is Mono dedicated to PN? Why is it that you wouldn't be together if it wasn't for PN?

That's really nice for your son, does he understand that you are in a relationship with both of his dads, or is he to young. Is your husband his bio father? Is your husband Mono and your bf PN?

My bf and lover have never even met and your post has made me think that perhaps they should. To my bf my lover is just someone that I see twice a week, and to my lover my boyfriend is just someone who I live with. If they meet, maybe they can start to think of each other as people.

My lover is arrogant sometimes, he really does think that if he decided to leave his wife he could just click his fingers and I would drop my bf and come running. There is no chance that I would, and I tell him that, but it upsets me that he thinks it. It means that he thinks I'm just with my bf because he looks after my son & and I and spoils us both so much. He thinks I'm only with him because he's a Dad for my son. He has said this, and although he knows not to know, I've no doubt that he still thinks it. If he was to meet my bf maybe he will see what a lovely guy he is and see why I love him so much. I have met my lovers wife a few times, my lover did not want this, but she insisted, and although I was nervous, for obvious reasons and it was a bit awkward at first she soon put me at my ease. She's a nice lady, very honest and also very funny with the way she talks about my/her lover/husband.

Do you think it might me a good idea to try and encourage my bf and lover to meet?
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  #52  
Old 04-02-2012, 03:46 AM
Aurelie26 Aurelie26 is offline
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Originally Posted by Mudita View Post
By being honest, it means you give him 2 options - either come to terms with it or leave you.
I would be as gentle and careful as I could be in speaking truth about this as his flight instinct may be strong around this issue.
Make sure you emphasize that you love him and see a long term future with him (assuming this is how you feel).
Don't discount the possibility that this will be too much for him and he will leave if you tell him the truth.
If you don't though, you will be condemned to either giving up your lover and resenting it or lying about it.
I'm not sure lying about it will work in the long term, he'll work it out. And as you mum taught you, lying is bad
I agree with this, but I dont want it to get to the point where my bf will want to leave me, and I dont think it will. I will make sure he knows that I love him more and am willing to give my lover up if needed.



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Originally Posted by Brid75 View Post
If she can break it gently to her boyfriend that she needs her lover because he gives her sexual satisfaction that he cant, thats what she should do. When he excepts that, things will get better, if he understands that sex isn't love, and it's not a game to be won. As soon as he comes to terms with it and excepts this he will no longer feel bad. He will know that he is giving her his blessing because it is something she needs/wants, and he loves her and wants her to be happy.
Is this what happened in your relationship Brid75? I truly hope this will be the way it works out with my bf and I
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  #53  
Old 04-02-2012, 04:29 AM
Mudita Mudita is offline
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Aurelie,
I have thinking about this a fair bit since I first posted and I actually kinda regret posting in the first place as I'm having some second thoughts on some of the stuff I said, particularly the bit you just quoted.
Since I did post, I figured rather than bailing half way, I'd follow up with some of the things I've considered that run counter to what I first said.

There is at least one more option if you told him the truth and that is it would cut deeply into his self esteem to the point he wouldn't have the courage to leave you but put up with a situation that made him feel realy lousy about himself. When I think back on my situations at his age I think that is quite probably what I would have done.

This is the problem with the original post - it reflects where I am now and not where I was when I was asking whether my lover's lover had a larger penis.

Today, I wouldn't even ask.

But this is only because I've made my peace with it over the years, in my own way and and at my own pace.

Also, being willing to give up your lover may not be insurance against him leaving you. Once said, it can never be unsaid and he may decide that he should go looking for somebody who places less emphasis on sex or god knows what other rationalisation.

All this being said, your boyf sounds a fair bit more mature than I was at his age and devoted to you and your son.

Another way to look at his questions and moods is as him phrasing the age old question of 'What's he got that I haven't'. Given that we males are so pre-occupied with our dicks that it is only natural that this is one of the things we think of first. It may in fact be kinder to lie and give him another answer to this question, maybe that you find older men attractive or something like that, which he will be less threatened by.

If you are to take anything away from what I have posted here it is that I am still not at all clear on this issue myself, and that you should think extremely carefully before taking any of what I have said on board.

Last edited by Mudita; 04-02-2012 at 04:07 PM.
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  #54  
Old 04-02-2012, 06:31 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Aurelie26- please read my blog and see how we live. Its long though, have fun with that. Mono has many posts on here about how he views PN. He doesn't really keep up here any more though so you will have to look for him in my blog and find his threads. He wrote a lot of stuff about living together that can be found by doing a tag search for "living together."

I can't imagine keeping my life so separate that my partners don't know each other and be gracious to one another's existence in my life. To me we are all about chosen family/community. Someone being arrogant enough to think that they would "get" one of us all to themselves if only the circumstances were right would mean they would be considered a cow boy/girl and they would be eventually dumped.
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  #55  
Old 04-02-2012, 11:40 AM
zylya zylya is offline
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Originally Posted by Aurelie26 View Post
Thanks for your honest post. I think that both you and Brid75 are right. I have to find a way to break the truth gently to my boyfriend. I cannot lie to him, and I cant go on as I am at the moment and just ignore the issue, and I cant tell him it's not his business. I dont want to hurt him more than i need to though, I want to make it as easy for him as I can.

It's not just about penis size by the way, I do think that size matters, but just because a guy has a big penis it does not mean hes good in bed. I know from experience that's not true. What my lover has is the whole package. The only guy I've ever been with that does, no other guy comes close.

Dingedheart said that not all men can play pro football, you can train, encourage and teach them but they will never get there. Most men wont. I think it's the same with sex, my lover has attributes that come natural to him.

My boyfriend is not clueless in bed. We do use toys and we do experiment and try lots of things. What we cant do is give him what my lover has.

What I'm talking about is the way his hands/mouth feel when he touches me. I cant explain it, but it's electric. My boyfriend does not have that touch, it's something you have or you dont.

My bf has an average size cock (5inches) my lovers is big (10 Inches). That makes a big difference. We can't change that either.

My boyfriend doesn't last long, my lover can last as long as he likes. Again not something you can change.

So my bf isn't big and doesn't last long, so this means he cant make me orgasm through penetrative sex. I still enjoy our lovemaking because it's gentle and loving and sensual and sexy. We take it slow and it's really beautiful.

He makes me orgasm through oral (which he loves) or using toys or with his fingers. He is considerate and he usually puts my needs first, but if he does come before me, he always makes sure I orgasm as well. Always. When we are finished we always hold each other and tell each other how much we love one another. Nobody has ever made me feel as loved as he does.

My lover dominates me, he can go fast, slow, hard or softly.

He can go so hard, for so long that I reach a plateau and I will have mulitiple orgasms and I end up squirting. He makes me lose myself. He manhandles me one minute and the next he will be giving me oral so good that it drives me crazy. I can ride him for as long as I need without worrying if he's going to come, he doesn't, no matter how fast and hard I go.

We are both kinky, we have very few boundaries and we do stuff that i would never do with my bf. My lover is exceptional at everything and when we are done, 10 minutes later he can go again and make it completely different and yet always with the same result. He makes me feel incredible, and my boyfriend cant because he doesn't have what my lover has.

I love my boyfriend more though, and that counts for more than anything.
You're completely and 100% wrong that it's something you're born with and not something you learnt. You [well, he] can definitely learn all this stuff (aside from the penis size of course). It's a combination of knowledge, experience and a genuine desire to satisfy someone else. But it definitely can be learnt (and not just lasting longer, but even domination, that electric touch and a whole load more).

When you say that you do stuff with your lover that you never would with your boyfriend, why not?
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  #56  
Old 04-02-2012, 03:00 PM
Brid75 Brid75 is offline
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Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
I feel really sad about this. I would break up with somebody who behaved like that, and if I said shut up and they ever brought it up again, that would be it. It doesn't seem very loving to date somebody who speaks badly of another partner. I think its horrible to let your boyfriend stay at home babysitting at all after hearing this. At the very least it seems like you should have babysitting from another source EVERY TIME you have a date with your lover.

The fact that your boyfriend knows and does nothing about it? Why would he do anything about it? You are in a poly relationship, you are on a date...is he supposed to come...kick your lover's ass or something? Is your lover poly, because that doesn't sound like it. In my life at least, polyamory is supposed to enhance my life and bring more love into it. That means partners having respect for my husband at the very least. I'm wondering if you're purposefully participating in cuckolding instead of poly, and if your boyfriend senses it and is an unwilling participate in it. If so, no wonder he isn't thrilled with the situation.

You also said "The problem started when my lover and I went away for a weekend together, my bf asked me not to go, but I did." You also said "my boyfriend comes first". Those two things contradict each other. After rereading the thread and having some other input, and seeing that your boyfriend was stuck taking care of your (no doubt wonderful) child while you went on a trip with your lover after he asked you to not go... I do have to suggest the alternative that unless you are going to stop taking advantage of your laid back but miserable boyfriend, maybe you should break up with him since you are unable to give up the lover that isn't poly but thinks your boyfriend is an object of ridicule.


This is an interesting point that Anneintherain makes. She questions if what your lover is doing is Poly?

Well, for me Poly is when a person wants more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge of everyone involved and everyone is happy to participate, even if this is, as a mono.

Aurelie, this is not what you have at the moment, although, I think it is what you are striving for, and I think it is brave of you to come on this forum and be so honest about your situation.

Anneintherain says " I'm wondering if you're purposefully participating in cuckolding instead of poly."

You then ask her....."Do I cuckold my bf? Well, what does that mean."

Well if you look the word up in a dictionary it says......"The husband of an unfaithful wife."

I think theres a bit more to it than that. To me a cuckold is this.

When a faithful husband/boyfriend is in a loving relationship with a wife/girlfriend who has sexual relations with another man (A Bull), and the husband/boyfriend knows what is happening and does not like it, but does nothing to stop it because he is either to weak, or to much in love with his wife/girlfriend. The wife/girlfriend knows it makes her husband/boyfriend unhappy but does it anyway.

I think that describes your lovely mans situation at the moment to a tee. So yes, I do think you are cuckolding your boyfriend, but.....................

I do not think you are wrong to do so, in fact I think you and your lover should continue to cuckold your boyfriend.........For now anyway.

I do not doubt that you love your boyfriend as much as you say. I also DONT believe you want to purposefully humilate him, or hurt him in any way, or that you get turned on by the possilbility of that. I think you want to help him except the situation you find yourselves in, and in doing so, make him happy in your relationship. When this happens, you will have the poly relationship you want and deserve.

You cannot have this until everything is sorted out with your boyfriend, and you should not give up what you have with your lover until you know your boyfriend will never be able to except and come to terms with your relationship with your lover.
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  #57  
Old 04-02-2012, 04:57 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Does the lover's wife have partners? If so how many? Are they talked about disrespectfully?
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  #58  
Old 04-03-2012, 06:11 AM
Aurelie26 Aurelie26 is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Aurelie26- please read my blog and see how we live. Its long though, have fun with that. Mono has many posts on here about how he views PN. He doesn't really keep up here any more though so you will have to look for him in my blog and find his threads. He wrote a lot of stuff about living together that can be found by doing a tag search for "living together."

I can't imagine keeping my life so separate that my partners don't know each other and be gracious to one another's existence in my life. To me we are all about chosen family/community. Someone being arrogant enough to think that they would "get" one of us all to themselves if only the circumstances were right would mean they would be considered a cow boy/girl and they would be eventually dumped.
Thanks for the advice redpepper, I shall read your blog.
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  #59  
Old 04-03-2012, 06:23 AM
Aurelie26 Aurelie26 is offline
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Does the lover's wife have partners? If so how many? Are they talked about disrespectfully?

Yes she does. Shes a very interesting and funny lady, a bit eccentric also. I like her. She is older than my lover, shes 42, he's 39.

She does not have the one lover like he does though, she is free to sleep with other men though, and she does.

There was a time, before I was with my boyfriend and before I had met my lovers wife, and before I had read about poly relationships that I wanted my lover and I to have a "regular" relationship, he said no.

After meeting his wife, I understand why he said no. They are a funny couple, when I've been at dinner with them they are like a double act. She insults him a lot, but in a way that isn't offensive, it's like he is in on the joke. It is obvious that they are very much together and they need each other. This does not bother me now. they have a daughter who is 16.

When my lover and I are together, we do not talk about his wife, we do not discuss the men she goes with either.
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  #60  
Old 04-03-2012, 06:58 AM
Aurelie26 Aurelie26 is offline
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Originally Posted by zylya View Post
You're completely and 100% wrong that it's something you're born with and not something you learnt. You [well, he] can definitely learn all this stuff (aside from the penis size of course). It's a combination of knowledge, experience and a genuine desire to satisfy someone else. But it definitely can be learnt (and not just lasting longer, but even domination, that electric touch and a whole load more).

When you say that you do stuff with your lover that you never would with your boyfriend, why not?
I respectfully disagree, and return to Dingedhearts analogy about the pro footballer. You can coach an average man to be a better fooball player, you cannot make him a pro, it's the same with sex. With regard to my boyfriend cumming to quickly, we have worked on this together and things are good, however he will never be able to last like my lover, who can literally last as long as he wants, and he does, he cums when he wants to. I have never been with any other man that can do this. He is great at sex, it's a talent he has. He would be a pro footballer. You can also not teach or give someone a magic touch, you can teach a man how and where you like to be touched, but thats it.

Let me give you an example of something my bf has that my lover does not, and never will have.

My orgasms are far more powerful with my lover, but my boyfriends own orgasms are way more powerful than my lovers. When my lover cums it just kind of dribbles out, where with my bf, stand back ladies. lol I have never seen so much cum squirt out of a dick at such speed and velocity as it does out of my bfs penis. It can fly a good few feet lol and I dont know where it all comes from because he has small balls, although they are perfectly formed. This is a talent that my lover cannot learn, even though his balls are big.

This is one of the reasons I love giving my bf oral. I love bigger dicks, but I do love felating my bfs cuter and smaller cock. He has a very sensitive penis, this is why he doesn't last long, but this also means that he gets so much pleasure out of me giving him oral, I have to take things softly, and I get a massive kick out of giving him that much pleasure. My lover, well, his penis is not in anyway sensitive, I can do what I like to it. haha

My bf and I love to 69 with each other, because he cums quickly and we like to cum together, and because it takes me much longer to get there, this is what we do.

I know my man now and I know when he is going to cum, so when he reaches that point I will stop for a minute, while he continues. Then I will start again, and we go on like this. I stop and start and he will continue all the time. It gets him so exited that it gets to the point that I can only suck him for 10 seconds. I edge him, and when we do this, thats when he can really explode. lol He loves it, and so do I. We have it down so well now that we can pretty much cum at the same time, or close to it.
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