Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #41  
Old 04-01-2012, 04:43 AM
Aurelie26 Aurelie26 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: London
Posts: 94
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
I feel really sad about this. I would break up with somebody who behaved like that, and if I said shut up and they ever brought it up again, that would be it. It doesn't seem very loving to date somebody who speaks badly of another partner. I think its horrible to let your boyfriend stay at home babysitting at all after hearing this. At the very least it seems like you should have babysitting from another source EVERY TIME you have a date with your lover.

The fact that your boyfriend knows and does nothing about it? Why would he do anything about it? You are in a poly relationship, you are on a date...is he supposed to come...kick your lover's ass or something? Is your lover poly, because that doesn't sound like it. In my life at least, polyamory is supposed to enhance my life and bring more love into it. That means partners having respect for my husband at the very least. I'm wondering if you're purposefully participating in cuckolding instead of poly, and if your boyfriend senses it and is an unwilling participate in it. If so, no wonder he isn't thrilled with the situation.

You also said "The problem started when my lover and I went away for a weekend together, my bf asked me not to go, but I did." You also said "my boyfriend comes first". Those two things contradict each other. After rereading the thread and having some other input, and seeing that your boyfriend was stuck taking care of your (no doubt wonderful) child while you went on a trip with your lover after he asked you to not go... I do have to suggest the alternative that unless you are going to stop taking advantage of your laid back but miserable boyfriend, maybe you should break up with him since you are unable to give up the lover that isn't poly but thinks your boyfriend is an object of ridicule.



Your right, it wasn't right my lover saying the things he said, and he doesn't now. My lover knows how much I love and care for my boyfriend, I make it clear to him that I dont want to hear those things again, and he hasn't repeated what he said. Does he get a kick out of the fact that he's having sex with me while my bf is at home with Max? I think he does, he does not say it though, not now.

Do I cuckold my bf? Well, what does that mean. If it means that I'm having sex with someone other than him, with his knowledge and that he's not happy about it, then I have to be honest and say I am. I dont get a kick out of it though. I love what I have with my bf and I love what I have with my lover. I'm not thinking of my bf when I'm with my lover. It's not like that

He's not a babysitter, he's his Dad.

Yes, it was a mistake to go on that weekend trip with my lover. It was a case where I put my needs first. He did ask me not to go, it wasn't till later though that I realised just how much it hurt him. It wont happen again. He wasn't upset at being stuck with Max though, he loves spending time with him. Everyone, please believe me when I say that my bf looking after my son when I'm with my lover is not in anyway an issue.

My bf is not miserable, he's a happy person, we have to resolve this though.

I'm not pretending this is easy, I know I'm far from perfect and my bf pretty much is. I'm not certain about what I'm doing, I have doubts, and that's why I'm here. I think that we can make it work, I hope so.

What I do know is, I will give my lover up if I have to. I dont want to, but I will. I will not give up my boyfriend.
Reply With Quote
  #42  
Old 04-01-2012, 06:03 AM
Arrowbound's Avatar
Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Tri-State
Posts: 275
Default

I think you might be dealing with leftover resentment over that trip you took. He might be more hurt than he let on.
Reply With Quote
  #43  
Old 04-01-2012, 06:17 AM
Aurelie26 Aurelie26 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: London
Posts: 94
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mudita View Post
Hi,
I've been lurking here for a while, this is my first post.
By way of intro I'm a 40yo Australian male that had one poly relationship back in the day. I was totally not ready for poly and so I quickly ended up single again.
Whilst my poly experience is _very_ limited, being a man who's insecure about his average sized weiner is something I'm much better versed in.
I feel like I'm a lot better in this regard these days and so I figured I'd post in the hope that some of it may be useful.
Bear in mind that I have by no means completely moved on from this so the whole lot is probably complete bs.

Dingedheart, agreed that sounds like trouble but also agree with this
http://www.nerve.com/advice/savage-love/savage-love-35


Anywho, a couple of impressions from a million miles away:
- sounds to me like he's having trouble with poly in general and that the size issue is just one symptom
- over the course of the time together his feelings have developed and deepened for you, so he probably loves you more but is also more jealous
- just because you were upfront about your other lover when you first met your boyf, & and he agreed, doesn't mean he was ok with it then or now. His issue, but if you want to your relationship to work it has to be dealt with and you may need to do a lot of the heavy lifting.
- Are you giving him an opportunity to be the lover he can be? Sounds like you've pigeon-holed him. Experiment a bit with him - toys, positions, kinks, etc. Given his insecurities you're probably going to have to lead the way. This may trigger some negative emotions from him around this issue. It's not much fun being emasculated by a carrot sized lump of plastic. Use this as an opportunity to work throught them, blow him, and then some other time revisit the toys or whatever, it will take patience and persistence.
- equivocating won't get the job done, he will hear your silences and even "you're different" as "yes he's hung like a horse and I enjoy sex with him a lot more", which it seems is actually the way you feel - you need to give him more to work with than this or he'll just spiral into self-loathing
- you should be honest but not brutally so

With the benefit of hindsight this is what I wish my girlfriends had said to me 20 years ago
- yes, he's bigger and if you force me to rate you then I enjoy sex with him more.
- size does matter and there are some orgasms/intensities I can only experience with a larger dick.
- I enjoy this a great deal, I don't want to give it up, if I did I would resent you for making me
- do you feel like it is a chore for me to have sex with you? think back on our lovemaking, do you honestly think I'm not enjoying it?
- why is it important to you that you are the best? This is the real question, and probably the hardest. The rest really is just window dressing. If you can get him to open up about it then this will be a huge relief in and of itself. As always, listening is way more important than speaking. Oh, and no size jokes, ever.
- some girls out there really seem to be size queens. But we're all different. Just because some women claim _only_ to enjoy large cocks doesn't mean we all do. In the words of Taj Burrows, the guys who only go out when the surf is massive are missing out.
- think about women's breasts - sure you like them big but does that mean that you're not attracted to women with average or smaller breasts? Breast/dick size is one piece of the larger puzzle that is sex/attraction and how attracted to a guy you are plays a huge part in how much you enjoy sex. Sounds like he's younger than your lover, doesn't hurt to tell him that even though he's less well hung overall he's more attractive.
- I love Indian and Chinese food. If I was forced to say which one I liked more it would be Indian but I would never want to give up either.
- Tell him, even if is not true, there are things you want to try that your other lover is not willing to.
- Sure there may be a thing as too small but realistically, you're well out of that range.
- I would like you to make me cum like he does and to share that with you. let's buy some sex toys and get a bit imaginative
- In a twisted way this is a blessing, as if you can overcome this insecurity nothing in the world will phase you - the guy with the 21" dick lives in fear of the guy with 22". or the smarter/taller/more intelligent guy (Insert you favourite insecurity here). Transcend this and you will be free.
- Not being insecure (esp about penis size) is one of the most attractive qualities a man can have.
- Having to prove to you how much I enjoy sex every time we have it is a major turn-off and so you fears are self-fulfilling.
- Sex for me is fun, please don't turn it into a bum trip - lighten up and let's enjoy ourselves.

To you, from my male perspective, I would say:
- Don't understimate how central to a mans identity this is, or how hard this is for him. Find a way to say that whilst you can't fully understand how he feels, you know this is very, very difficult for him and that you want to be there with him to work through this as your sex/relationship is hugely important to you - this goes for both size & coming to terms with poly as I suspect they are very closely related.
- Get into his head a bit - think of the thing about yourself that is both very important to you, and that you are very insecure about. Imagine he had another lover that pre-dated you that was a totally awesome in this regard. How does this make you feel? Now imagine it's a reality, and that he's with her right now.

He may see looking for help as a sign of weakness. I probably would have when I was younger. Explain that being brave enough to face this and work through it is actually a sign of strength & it will make you respect him way more than anything else he could do. Man up and face your fears bucko - is the message.

Ultimately he's got to want to work through it, there's only so much you can do.
By being honest, it means you give him 2 options - either come to terms with it or leave you.
I would be as gentle and careful as I could be in speaking truth about this as his flight instinct may be strong around this issue.
Make sure you emphasize that you love him and see a long term future with him (assuming this is how you feel).
Don't discount the possibility that this will be too much for him and he will leave if you tell him the truth.
If you don't though, you will be condemned to either giving up your lover and resenting it or lying about it.
I'm not sure lying about it will work in the long term, he'll work it out. And as you mum taught you, lying is bad.


Thanks for your honest post. I think that both you and Brid75 are right. I have to find a way to break the truth gently to my boyfriend. I cannot lie to him, and I cant go on as I am at the moment and just ignore the issue, and I cant tell him it's not his business. I dont want to hurt him more than i need to though, I want to make it as easy for him as I can.

It's not just about penis size by the way, I do think that size matters, but just because a guy has a big penis it does not mean hes good in bed. I know from experience that's not true. What my lover has is the whole package. The only guy I've ever been with that does, no other guy comes close.

Dingedheart said that not all men can play pro football, you can train, encourage and teach them but they will never get there. Most men wont. I think it's the same with sex, my lover has attributes that come natural to him.

My boyfriend is not clueless in bed. We do use toys and we do experiment and try lots of things. What we cant do is give him what my lover has.

What I'm talking about is the way his hands/mouth feel when he touches me. I cant explain it, but it's electric. My boyfriend does not have that touch, it's something you have or you dont.

My bf has an average size cock (5inches) my lovers is big (10 Inches). That makes a big difference. We can't change that either.

My boyfriend doesn't last long, my lover can last as long as he likes. Again not something you can change.

So my bf isn't big and doesn't last long, so this means he cant make me orgasm through penetrative sex. I still enjoy our lovemaking because it's gentle and loving and sensual and sexy. We take it slow and it's really beautiful.

He makes me orgasm through oral (which he loves) or using toys or with his fingers. He is considerate and he usually puts my needs first, but if he does come before me, he always makes sure I orgasm as well. Always. When we are finished we always hold each other and tell each other how much we love one another. Nobody has ever made me feel as loved as he does.

My lover dominates me, he can go fast, slow, hard or softly.

He can go so hard, for so long that I reach a plateau and I will have mulitiple orgasms and I end up squirting. He makes me lose myself. He manhandles me one minute and the next he will be giving me oral so good that it drives me crazy. I can ride him for as long as I need without worrying if he's going to come, he doesn't, no matter how fast and hard I go.

We are both kinky, we have very few boundaries and we do stuff that i would never do with my bf. My lover is exceptional at everything and when we are done, 10 minutes later he can go again and make it completely different and yet always with the same result. He makes me feel incredible, and my boyfriend cant because he doesn't have what my lover has.

I love my boyfriend more though, and that counts for more than anything.
Reply With Quote
  #44  
Old 04-01-2012, 06:27 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,235
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Aurelie26 View Post
I have asked him and he told me that he doesn't enjoy it, and that he has never really enjoyed casual sex outside of his relationships. He could easily get girls if he wants, but he doesn't. ... I think lots of men, if given permission from their wife/girlfriend to have sex with as many girls as they like would jump at the chance. My boyfriend is not like those men though. Truth is, I told him to do it because it made it easier for me to do what I was doing.

The only thing that would work for him is if he had a relationship like the one I have with my lover, something that is more than just sex. Different girls all the time wont work. He says that going out and meeting girls at a club, having never met them before, and taking them to a hotel room for sex is not for him.
Well, I wasn't suggesting he seek out other women just to get laid. I was thinking more in terms of pursuing another love relationship.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #45  
Old 04-01-2012, 06:31 AM
Aurelie26 Aurelie26 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: London
Posts: 94
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Well, I wasn't suggesting he seek out other women just to get laid. I was thinking more in terms of pursuing another love relationship.
Yeah, but thats what he was doing. He would need another girl that he loved, yes.

Maybe we could work on that. I would be jealous if he loved someone else, as I said. I think I could overcome that though.
Reply With Quote
  #46  
Old 04-01-2012, 06:33 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,235
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Aurelie26 View Post
My boyfriend doesn't last long, my lover can last as long as he likes. Again not something you can change.
Oh yes, it most definitely is something he can change! Without a doubt!

There are all kinds of techniques guys can use to hold off on cumming. If you compassionately express to your bf that you'd like him to train himself to last longer, I am sure he would happily accommodate you and start researching, reading, and trying new things.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #47  
Old 04-01-2012, 06:34 AM
Aurelie26 Aurelie26 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: London
Posts: 94
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brid75 View Post
I disagree, it can last long term. My own situation mirrors Aurelies, and it has worked for me, my husband and boyfriend.

I dont think she said that she gets off on the cuckold thing, it's her lover that does, and that doesn't surprise me. It's a man thing.

So what if her boyfriend is a cuckold anyway. By the way she talks about him, I dont think any of us doubts how much she loves her boyfriend and she will naturally want to be as polite about him as possible, but lets be honest about what this is about. (And correct me if I'm wrong Aurelie) He DOES NOT measure up sexually. He is NOT up to the job, and as much as he tries he CANNOT satisfy his woman. He sounds like a lovely guy and because of that, this may sound harsh................but if he's not man enough sexually, then she should cuckold him. I'm sorry, but that's the way I feel.

It sounds like Aurelie has everything she wants, why should she give that up? She should fight for it. She has a man that looks after her and gets her and her son things they have never had. He's very loving towards them both and they both love him. She also has a man that gives her what she needs in bed. I think in this day and age, woman can have both, and if that cant be with one man, why not two?

It can only work if you have an understanding man. My husband knows he doesn't satisfy me and that my boyfriend does. He was hurt at first but he understands that he and my daughter are number one in my life, and they are. He is four times the man that my boyfriend is, except in one way, sexual. This is a hurdle Aurelie needs to get over. He knows she is having sex with another man, he doesn't like it, but puts up with it, and this makes him a cuckold. If she can break it gently to her boyfriend that she needs her lover because he gives her sexual satisfaction that he cant, thats what she should do. When he excepts that, things will get better, if he understands that sex isn't love, and it's not a game to be won. As soon as he comes to terms with it and excepts this he will no longer feel bad. He will know that he is giving her his blessing because it is something she needs/wants, and he loves her and wants her to be happy.

If he cannot except that, and he isn't understanding (Most people wouldn't be) then Aurelie and her boyfriend need to reeavaluate there relationship. If I was her, I would hang on to that boyfriend and give up her lover, but not till I had tried my best, and this will mean that her boyfriend will be hurt in the short term, but the relationship will be stronger in the long term. She needs her lover for her to be 100% happy, as I do. It doesn't mean that I don't love my husband.

Lets not forget though, that her boyfriend knew about this from the start and excepted it.

Also, her child considers her boyfriend to be his father, and he probably thinks of him as his son, they live together, and they are a family. Whats the problem with them staying at home together, when she is with her lover. He's not a babysitter, he's his Dad. Who else should be looking after the child when Mum isn't there?

Aurelie, if you go about this the right way, and you give your boyfriend the love, sex, and encouragement he needs, you CAN keep both.
I find your posts tough to read because they ring so true to me. I'm glad you have the poly relationship that you need. I hope I can have the same.
Reply With Quote
  #48  
Old 04-01-2012, 06:48 AM
Aurelie26 Aurelie26 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: London
Posts: 94
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Oh yes, it most definitely is something he can change! Without a doubt!

There are all kinds of techniques guys can use to hold off on cumming. If you compassionately express to your bf that you'd like him to train himself to last longer, I am sure he would happily accommodate you and start researching, reading, and trying new things.
We have nycindie, he has trained himself to last longer and he does. It's good.

He will never last anywhere near as long as my lover though, he is the sort of man that has this ability to not come until he wants to.

I can make my bf come through me giving him oral in five minutes. I really enjoy this because I can see how sensitive he is and how much he is enjoying it. I can fellate my lover for what seems like forever and nothing.
Reply With Quote
  #49  
Old 04-01-2012, 08:27 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

Your posts remind me where Mono, PN and I were three years ago. Now things have changed, as they always do. I would suggest getting to the bottom of the issues going on soon and with lots of attention because when the sex dies down and there is every day life and less of it, those issues become the forefront of everything if there wasn't a chance to deal with them.

I still get lots of sex and there are still differences between my bf and husband, but the intensity is not the same. The replacement has been that we all live together now and my boy (9) has two dad figures and is the luckiest kid ever. The balance is better for everyone, but the intense connected sex is limited.

There are two big difference however. I don't care about cock size at all. I think big cocks are over rated and Mono has never said one single derogatory thing about PN. He has always had his best interest in EVERYTHING he does. He is completely dedicated to PN and the health of our relationship. Without PN we would likely not be together.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog

Last edited by redpepper; 04-01-2012 at 08:33 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #50  
Old 04-01-2012, 09:42 AM
Mudita Mudita is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 27
Default

Hey Aurelie,
If you're going to be paying attention to what somebody says you're probably better off listening to what Redpepper says and others who have successful ongoing poly relationships than my armchair opinion. I posted I guess to try and give you an insight of what _might_ be going on in his brain but you're the one who's there and you should really back your own judgement as however it turns out, you're the one who has to deal with the consequences.

But I'm probably not telling you anything new there right.

Best of luck to you in having the sort of relationships that you and your loved ones want & need.

Last edited by Mudita; 04-01-2012 at 09:47 AM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
cohabitation, cuckold, cuckoldry, jealousy, vee, vee dynamics

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:35 AM.