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  #221  
Old 06-02-2012, 02:47 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Wow! How much incredible growth and progress and good stuff can happen now because of all the things that are getting cleared up. These posts are probably the best argument I've seen for the "maybe you should let your partner read your thread" suggestion that often gets tossed out on this board, which is funny since this is one thread where people thought that would be a bad idea.

A couple of quick reactions:

I completely agree that integrating the different parts of your life, rather than compartmentalizing them is the healthier and more functional way to go. Rock on.

There was a thread here about BDSM activities and bruises making one partner unhappy in a poly relationship, you may find some useful stuff in it -- http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23376

This is what I said there, which I still believe:
"...vanilla sex that's vigorous can leave all sorts of marks too in the form of hickies, bites, and scratches, so by asking you to come home unmarked he's basically asking you two not to get too into it, which is pretty unfair."

On the other hand, if they think they can tone it down or find non-bruise-forming play while still having fun, there if no reason they couldn't give that to you.

Go communication and honesty!! I think you guys are going to be just fine, and I wish you the best.
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  #222  
Old 06-02-2012, 03:43 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Nathan - Thank you.

Your posts are very moving, the love you have for Aurelie and Max is beautiful to see. I really appreciate (and I'm sure the others here do as well) you coming to this thread and addressing the various concerns that Aurelie has brought up (as well as those brought up by other posters).

For myself, I was almost teary-eyed reading your posts as so much of what you have written resonates with what my husband has been saying to me over the past year. I, like Aurelie, tend to over-analyse his reactions...and worry. I don't want my happiness to come at a cost to his - ever, but stressing over this, in itself, can create wrinkles that simply DO NOT have to be there.

It seems that you really understand where everyone in your dynamic is coming from and everyone is very invested in having things function in the way that brings happiness and fulfillment to all parties.

Thank you for sharing with us.

JaneQ

*****

PS. I'm not into any really BDSM stuff and I still manage to end up with some pretty spectacular sex-related marks/bruising - often having no idea what caused them (we actually usually all have some fun sex-talk trying to deconstruct them the next day - coming up with some wildly impossible sexual positions trying to explain them) - so I don't know that it necessarily that things are going "too far" - some of us just seem to "mark up" pretty easily.
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  #223  
Old 06-02-2012, 09:16 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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It's nice to hear from you, and it sounds if Aurelie can kick the guilt she feels, you two have it made. It's great that you seem to know what more you do want out of the relationship (some quiet down time in your own home) and I imagine you two are getting to know each other even better after this thread, no matter the negatives about how it came about and the information shared you would've liked to stay private.

I'll throw in my 2 cents about bruising too. I know if she is recently showing up with marks when she didn't in the past year, you might wonder if things are escalating in some way. I've been with my boyfriend for over a year and never came home with marks before, but the last two weeks I've had bruises on my arms. I don't have a clue how I could've gotten them, we haven't been doing anything differently and nothing registered at the time. Just want to remind you that if she is making the effort to stay bruise free, but it happens from time to time, it really can be due to minor things.
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  #224  
Old 06-03-2012, 02:27 AM
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I am so very moved by all your posts, Nathan. By the last one, I was becoming teary.

It sounds like Aurelie was so worried about not hurting anyone, that she tried to keep things separate and this only made some things worse. I am familiar with the idea that one needs to walk around on eggshells in order to make sure a partner is happy - my ex used to tell me constantly that I was trying so hard to give him what I thought he wanted, I completely missed the things he actually wanted and needed. I used to go through such contortions and pain to try and please him, but I was often very far off the mark. When one has a basic belief system says anything that goes wrong or is uncomfortable in one's environment is "my fault," feeling guilty is pretty much an automatic response. And it is hard to let go of behaving or taking actions with the purpose of trying to fix things or assuage the guilt, when really getting present and seeing what actually is happening would be more beneficial. I think a lot of women go through this, as we are taught that we're supposed to take care of everybody. Add to that, conventional societal pressures, and I can see how much and why Aurelie was struggling to balance everything she had thought she should compartmentalize in order to handle it all.

I really like the arrangements you have recently made to get together with Scott and Mia regularly, provide space for Scott to feel more a part of Aurelie's life, and have some alone time to yourself. These are all wonderful responses to everyone's needs, and I believe will move things along in a way that brings everyone more satisfaction and comfort with your situation. I commend you - I am so glad you stood up for yourself and let your love for Aurelie and Max guide you in doing so. Your love and expression of that love are a shining example of how it can work very well. It is certainly obvious why Aurelie loves you and wants to make sure you are happy - you are a great guy, with excellent insights and understanding of what you want in relationship and I am so glad you posted. Thank you!
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  #225  
Old 06-03-2012, 10:45 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
my ex used to tell me constantly that I was trying so hard to give him what I thought he wanted, I completely missed the things he actually wanted and needed.
My ex was the same. He was so focused on doing what he thought I wanted or expected, saying what he thought I wanted him to say, and making sacrifices all the way. He got resentful that I wasn't grateful for these sacrifices. But the truth is, I never cared one way or the other, and when he made a decision or statement, I assumed it was what HE wanted. Why would I have been grateful that he did what he wanted, when I had no preference anyways?

I told him over and over to tell me what his choice was, so that I could adapt to it. Being resented when I was as arranging as I could annoyed me to no end. In the end so much resentment built up on both ends that the relationship just wasn't working anymore.

It is sad, because from my point of view, he was making himself miserable for absolutely no reason, hiding it from me, and then resenting me for it. It would have been easily avoidable.
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  #226  
Old 06-03-2012, 03:14 PM
Brid75 Brid75 is offline
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I have also been moved by Nathans posts. It was nice to hear his side of the story.There is so much love between these two, they will be fine. The way Nathan articulates the love he has for Aurelie and Max is just so beautiful, it's no wonder they love him so much.

Aurelie, your very lucky, he's adorable.

Last edited by Brid75; 06-03-2012 at 03:16 PM. Reason: Spelling
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  #227  
Old 06-04-2012, 12:42 AM
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Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
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Thank you for posting Nathan, and clearing up some things.

I'm encouraged by all of the progress you guys have made, and how adamant you are about maintaining mutual happiness. It's beautiful to witness.
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  #228  
Old 06-04-2012, 02:53 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Nathan,

Wow ...welcome and good for you for posting. Reading your version of events I think your 100% right on the title ..."how to deal with my guilt" should have been the title. Her guilt and beliefs, and over thinking on how she thought you were feeling blocked out your words innocent actions. However I'm confused as to how anyone could have misread the last minute weekend get away....which I thought was ground zero for this discussion. Meaning it was about making surprise plans for the family and at the last minute be told she had made other plans. Seems very normal to be hurt and disappointment or sad in that situation. And then when you explained asked her to cancel she said no ...more pain because she chose him over you and max. How that got twisted into you having a jealousy issue I'm not sure.

I said from the start of this tread if you were asking direct and difficult questions that you had the right to know the truth and not some spin or bullshit. It sounds like I was right.

I also said and think you are a remarkable and rare young man to do the things you've done to create this family and the things you do and have done in your relationship Aurelie. The one thing I would caution you on is making declarations or definitive statements about the future especially now in a poly dynamic. Things can and do change rapidly. I thought and made similar statements and now have changed 180 degrees....and I'm an old dog...new trick ......just saying. And now that you are here you might want to read the stories of others who have traveled a similar path.

Sounds like things are working out great ...good luck in the future. D
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  #229  
Old 06-22-2012, 05:26 AM
Aurelie26 Aurelie26 is offline
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I just thought I would post to let everyone know how things are going. I was going to post after I read what Nathan had said in his own posts, but it would of just been me blubbing, and telling you how much I love him and how amazing he is.

He's right, I do feel guilty. Even now! I need to try to let that go. I also have a fear that things are going too well, and that one day, they might not. Nathan reassures me though, and that really helps. I should have opened up to him much earlier.

All the arrangements we have now have all been Nathans idea, and I'm so grateful to him, and also Mia for helping Scott and I have more of a proper relationship. It's something we have both wanted, but we didn't know how to go about asking for it! In the end, thanks to Nathan, we didn't have to, it's going very well. It's great that I'm seeing more of Scott, we are finding time to do things that we haven't ever done, he's making a big effort, and so am I. I admit, it's also great that we are having even more sex than we were before. I love him.

We spend every Tuesday night together now, I think this will take a little getting used too. I have to admit that when it gets late, I have to fight the urge to go home to Nathan for our cuddle time. It's silly but I miss him & my Son, even though it's only one night. When I wake, I'm fine though. It's great to get some loving from Scott in the morning, and then we spend as much of the day together as we can. It's good. I just have to get used to it is all.

Mia and I have been meeting up a lot during the day. She has even been to collect Max from school a few times with me also. She is very good with him, and I'm happy for them to become close.

Nathan said in one of his posts that Scott was a little hurt by Max saying that he did not remember him. It surprises me, but it's true, he was. It has surprised me even more that Scott has asked Nathan if he minds him trying to get to know Max better. The three of us have spent two Sundays together, this is something else that is going to take a little getting used to. It has been a little strained. Max adores his Daddy, and I think he has found it difficult to go out to places with me and not have his Daddy there with us. He hasn't been naughty, but not quite his normal self. He has noticed that Scott and I are more than just friends. Nathan has explained to Max in the best way that we think we can what is going on. It's hard to explain that to a six year old though. Now his Daddy has reassured him, he is more settled. Nathan thought that it would help if Scott took Max out by himself, he did. He took him to the cinema and an arcade and then for something to eat. Max seemed to enjoy it, and when he dropped him home he gave Scott a hug and a kiss. It was a really nice moment I think. Nathans idea of integrating the two parts of my life has worked so far, it's been amazing. I love, and owe him so much.

All things considered, the five of us are getting on so well. It's kinda perfect at the moment. The only worry I have is this thing with Nathan wanting to watch Scott and I having sex. I've spoken to Scott, and he's fine with it. I'm not so sure. Does anyone have any experience with that type of thing? If so, how did it go?
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  #230  
Old 06-22-2012, 02:37 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I don't have a response to your last question, but I want to say how happy I am for you that it is working among all of you. Of course, that is because all of you want it to work out very much!

My only suggestion is to start a new thread as you move forward, with a happier title, because this one doesn't apply anymore!
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