Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #161  
Old 05-02-2012, 01:50 AM
sunnicat sunnicat is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3
Default Rules for new relationship

My husband has just started to see someone, I would like to know if there are really any ground rules that should be followed. We have been married for 15 years and have 3 young children.
I feel like I should be considered by them because I was here first in the relationship and the mother of his kids.
Do I have the right to ask them to take it slow.
I also seem to notice that lately he wishes to see her like every 3 days and in the three weeks he has known her he has slept with her twice and did not come home until the next morning.....
He also has been taking her out on dates but not me, should i have feelings of unfairness.
I just want them to take it slow so I can adjust, rather than see her as a threat to my marriage.
Reply With Quote
  #162  
Old 05-02-2012, 05:29 AM
Aurelie26 Aurelie26 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: London
Posts: 97
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brid75 View Post
I'm touched by your posts because your situation mirrors my own in a few ways, all be it from a few years back.

Brid75, how does my situation mirror your own?
Reply With Quote
  #163  
Old 05-02-2012, 02:21 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 1,415
Default

I'm pretty confused about the whole linguistic aspect here. My boyfriend considers he has a cuckold fetish. To us, it means that he is aroused by the idea of my having sex with other men. I do not humiliate him, nor do I have rough sex with others (or with him. I have a very low pain threshold).

To me, a cuckold fetish is just that, sexual arousal (fetish) from your partner being with other men (cuckold). I never realised there was any assumption of humiliation or power play or whatever.
Reply With Quote
  #164  
Old 05-02-2012, 02:31 PM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,270
Default

@Tonberry -- I'm using the definition as I've always seen it portrayed. Curious if I had gotten entirely the wrong impression, I checked Wikipedia and it seems to agree:

"However, a requirement for the fetish is the cuckold is somehow humiliated, whether this is acted out to be intentional or as some sort of by-product of the situation (i.e. the parties involved are somehow too sexually aroused to stop). Therefore cuckolding usually involves acting out a story or ritual involving humiliating acts, events." http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cuckold

This also seemed to fit with what the OP was saying about roleplaying and teasing, though I could be mistaken.

I have no right, of course, to tell you or your husband what you should call your interests. However, I've seen a more simple arousal response to your partner being with another, male or female, described as "sexual compersion" before.
__________________
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Reply With Quote
  #165  
Old 05-02-2012, 05:34 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 8,444
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by sunnicat View Post
My husband has just started to see someone...
Sunnicat, I don't think you posted to the right thread, unless you see some correlation with the OP?
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
Reply With Quote
  #166  
Old 05-02-2012, 05:36 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 8,444
Default

Annabel & Tonberry,
It has always been my understanding that humiliation is part of cuckolding as a fetish/kink. That is one factor, I think, that the fetish borrows from the original use of the word.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
Reply With Quote
  #167  
Old 05-02-2012, 06:57 PM
Brid75 Brid75 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 32
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
There is a very important distinction to be made here. To say that the OP is cuckolding her bf is just plain wrong. The definition of cuckolding is being unfaithful, which had nothing to do with ethical poly, which the OP is practicing. The connotations of cuckolding in the modern , fetish-y way it's used are that the female partner is purposefully humiliating her male partner, emasculating him. Again, nothing could be further from the truth of the OP's
People have different definitions of what certain words mean dont they. Some people have different ideas about poly relationships, and what poly means to them. I do not use the word cuckold in a derogatory way, my definition of cuckolding is this............

When a faithful boyfriend is in a loving relationship with his girlfriend, she has sexual relations with another man who is a superior/better endowed lover, and the boyfriend knows what is happening and is not comfortable with it. The girlfriend knows it makes her boyfriend unhappy but does it anyway.

Aurelie told us from her first post that her bf was upset and jealous......i.e he was NOT happy with the way things were at that moment. She also told us that she went away on a weekend break with her lover, and that her bf asked her not to.......She went anyway. She admits that her relationship with her lover is based mainly on the "Awesome" sex they have, and that they do little else together. Thats why she went, she wanted a weekend of hot sex with her lover, and she left her bf at home unhappy with the situation, so unhappy that even though he loves her very much he considered ending the relationship. She cuckolded him, going by my own definition of the word. She now admits that what she did was a mistake, one she has promised her bf she will not make again. Aurelie has told us all this herself.

I do not think for one minute that Aurelie has ever got a thrill out of this, although she admits that her lover does. I agree that apart from the weekend away she is respectful, caring, honest, supportive, and loving towards her bf. As I have said all along, the one thing that stands out from her posts, more tahn anything else, is the love she has for her bf.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
The thing is, it's not real. To say she "is cuckolding him" is like saying of a couple who enjoys consensual non-consent (in other words pretend "rape" where the person being "raped" in fact loves the idea and could call it off at any time), "he is raping her". Putting it like that makes it seem like something abusive and wrong and unwanted is happening. Rather, in that situation you would say "they are enjoying the fantasy of rape". And in this situation, at least to some minor degree that may or may not go any further, the OP and her bf are enjoying the fantasy of cuckolding. They are *playing* and if that's not explicitly acknowledged in the way people talk about it, it paints entirely the wrong picture.
It would now appear that after she has told her bf the truth about how he measures up sexually compared to her lover, he has come to terms with it. This is great news for Aurelies relationship, and I'm so pleased for her and her bf.

Also, her bf has told her that he gets turned on by the thought of them having sex, not only that, but he gets riled by being teased and hearing how her lover has a bigger cock and how he can make her orgasm more. That is the way I have read her posts, I doubt I'm wrong. This, again is good news. Aurelie says that they are role playing together and that he enjoys it. Great.

Rape role play is 100% fantasy, the person playing the rapist is not a rapist in any way, it does not reflect reality does it?

Cuckold roleplay is different, it is not a complete fantasy, it is based on fact. Yes it is consensual and he enjoys it and there is nothing wrong with it, but as I say, it's based on reality. The facts are..........

Aurelie is a woman who enjoys having sex with her two men, but enjoys her lover more. (Sexually)

The BF is the kind, loving sensitive type, who has a much smaller penis than her lover and also suffers with P.E problems.

The lover is the cocky arrogant type, he has a huge dick that he knows how to use, Aurelie herself has told us that her bf cannot compete with her lover in bed, and she has told us that the lover knows it. She has also told us that he has been disrespectful towards her bf in the past, and that he thinks that he could take her from the bf at any time.

You can look at it anyway you like Annabel, but the fact is there is a cuckold dynamic in this three way relationship. There is nothing wrong with this though, as long as they love and respect each other, and are truthful. As I said before, going by her posts, I like Aurelie and her bf very much and do not think any worse of either of them because of this dynamic in their relationship. I do not like cocky, arrogant and macho bullshit men and I also find them a turn off, so other than the sex, I'm not so sure about the lover. I except that lots of woman (Aurelie included) can find these traits a turn-on though.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
"She has also told us that she likes to be tied up and given anal sex when she is with her lover and that her bf waits at home to give her a cuddle when she gets back....That to me is a cuckold." <-- I completely disagree. It's what you make of it. Would it not be cuckolding if she wasn't doing anal with her lover? Would it not be cuckolding if her bf wasn't sweet to her after because he loves her? What makes this cuckolding?
Lets step out of the Poly world for a minute. How many men do you think would except another man tying up and having anal sex with their girlfriends/wifes? The woman that he loves and adores? The woman that he looks after, and whose child he has stepped up to be a father towards? Not only allow and tolerate that, but is also prepared to wait up while this is happening so that he can reassure her with a cuddle and other non-sexual forms of affection when she gets back from her date?


I would say less than 5% of men would. There is a reason for that. Do you think that the bf would want to share the above fact with his friends or family? No, he would not. There is a reason for that also.

The bf is not your average man though, he would not of got into the relationship to begin with if he was, knowing what Aurelie had told him with regard to not wanting to give up her lover. I like the sound of him very much, he sounds lovely. He has all the qualities that I like in a man, and reading what Aurelie says about him, he reminds me of my own husband.


Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Screw that, we are each what we choose to be.
I agree, my point exactly.......I think there would be a lot more poly men calling themselves cuckolds if there was not so much stigma attached to that word.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
A cuckold, again, in popular understanding, is a man whose female partner is unfaithful to him and who then humiliates him by rubbing it in his face.
I disagree with your understanding of the word cuckold, any woman that wants to humiliate or emasculate the man they love is not cuckolding, they are sick and worthless, and I dont for the life of me think that Aurelie would ever rub her mans face in anything that would hurt him. The humiliation aspect comes from within the man himself. I have no problem with the way either Aurelie or her bf conduct themselves. If he is turned on by being a cuckold there is nothing wrong with it. I have no time for macho nonsense.
Reply With Quote
  #168  
Old 05-02-2012, 07:27 PM
Brid75 Brid75 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 32
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Geez, Brid, talk about putting your own spin on things! .
I dont think I'm putting a spin on what Aurelie has said at all, It's more me trying to read between the lines, I stand by what I have said, If Aurelie thinks I have got it wrong or have been disrespectful to her or the bf she can say. I dont think I have, and certainly have not meant to be, yes some of my language has been direct, I find sometimes that can help a situation, although I pointed out to Aurelie that she should never be as direct herself to her bf.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
There is a huge gap between polyamory and cuckolding. It's not a fine line.
Let me clarify what I mean by "a fine line between poly and cuckolding," based on my definition of the word in the post above. I am married and also have a bofriend, my husband is fine with this now, he was not at the beginning and at various times in the last few years we have had flair ups where he becomes unhappy about it again, usually when we argue about something else. We always resolve it though by talking through it. It is a fine line though, a balancing act for me. He has gone from being consenting to me having another man (more poly) to non-consenting (more cuckold) Like I said, a fine line.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
It's so weird the way you make that pronouncement that she's "a woman who needs another man for sex" and that her bf is unsatisfactory.
Aurelie herself says...............

"Well my lover has nothing to be jealous about does he. He's the cocky type, he knows how good in bed he is and he knows that he's got what I NEED."

And................

"My lover is exceptional at everything and when we are done, 10 minutes later he can go again and make it completely different and yet always with the same result. He makes me feel incredible, and my boyfriend CANT because he DOESN'T have what my lover has.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
and isn't cuckolding him simply because he's talking with her about some aspect of her love life with the other man being a turn-on.
She was cuckolding him by going for a weekend away to have sex with her lover when her bf clearly told her he was not happy about it. Going by her last post, and again I'm reading between the lines............They are now engaged in cuckold roleplay, and he likes it.
Reply With Quote
  #169  
Old 05-02-2012, 07:40 PM
Brid75 Brid75 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 32
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
.She did not say her bf has a small dick. She said he has an average one. It's just that her lover is huge in comparison. She did not say that he had ED issues, just that he doesn't last as long as her lover does.
O.K the bf's cock is small in comparison to her lovers, I did not say he had E.D problems, I said he had premature ejaculation issues.

Aurelie herself says...................

"I know he has helped me far more than I have helped him. The only thing I have been able to help him with was his sexual shyness and premature ejaculation."

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
She did not say her bf is unskilled or lousy in bed. She says he is imaginative, gentle, and tender. She has never had any problems with the way her bf makes love; it's just that she has a wide range of things she likes and her lover was more inclined to give her the more aggressive, rough stuff. She isn't with her lover because of anything inadequate about her bf and has said she would end it with her lover in a heart beat if her bf wanted that.
I have not said anything that you say here, YOU are putting a spin on what I say

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Are you sure you are not projecting some of your own shit onto her? You have only posted to this thread and no others - what is your problem with Aurelie?
No, I'm not, but I was in a similer situation to which she finds herself in, that is why I offer my advice. My advice was to tell her bf the truth, she has done that and I am delighted for her that it is paying off for her. I have no problem with her, and as I said I like her and her bf a great deal.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Brid75, it sounds like you are really into cuckolding, yourself. But their situation seems to have improved greatly, anyway, so why keep hammering away at her?
Am I into cuckolding myself? Well it depends what you mean.

I do think that a woman has the right to get sexual satisfaction outside of her relationship if she is not getting that inside it, as long as she is honest about it, I do not believe in cheating on a man behind his back though.

If your asking if I, or my husband, or boyfriend partake in cuckold roleplay?

No we do not!

If your asking if I ever got a sick twisted thrill out of hurting my husband.

Never, nor would I ever consider doing such a thing, and would have no time for anyone that does, if that is your suggestion than I am offended by it.


I have come here to offer Aurelie advice, I'm not hammering away at her at all and I cant imagine why you think I am. You have got the wrong end of the stick.
Reply With Quote
  #170  
Old 05-02-2012, 07:48 PM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,270
Default

There's a lot that I'm itching to respond to here (especially the "sick and worthless" comment... just... heavy sigh... I was talking about activities within the context of consensual kinky roleplay and it freaking hurts to hear people who actually, consensually, LIKE those activities called things like that ), but I am beginning to feel like we're really derailing and it doesn't seem fair to Aurelie. This thread is supposed to be for helping her, not for arguing semantics. What matters is that she and her relationships are happy and solid, not what anyone wants to call it.

I blame myself for starting the threadjack. :/
__________________
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
cohabitation, cuckold, cuckoldry, jealousy, vee, vee dynamics

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:26 PM.