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  #131  
Old 04-13-2012, 08:30 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I'm glad to hear your updates as I obviously had my curiosity about things earlier. I do wonder if your boyfriend or other partner think about posting on this site. Perhaps I just don't understand NOT participating in an online forum for help or advice Then again men often make no sense to me, so that's not surprising.

I am glad things seem to be on a positive path, I hope that you and yours will feel free in the future to post for suggestions if other things come up. I'd love to think everything will be smooth sailing but...I HAVE been married twice, so I know better
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  #132  
Old 04-13-2012, 04:20 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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If he can't take it ....and absolutely has to tap out....you think he's going to feel empowered? You think telling your lover that bf can't bare the imagines in his head of the 2 of us having sex is a empower feeling? " I have to quit because he can't handle his emotions" How does he not feel like he let you down....let himself down ...meaning he thought he was stronger.

At the heart of the lose lose scenario is you saying .....it's up to him ...if he can't handle it and says stop I will. The responsibility, the enormity, all the associated questions surrounding such an action....and yet a decision you want to or are willing to hand off.

There could be several happy out comes. He may learn to cope perfectly. And never have a another jealous thought . He may embrace the cuckold/turned on / hot wife thing....he may be invited to watch or participate and really get off that way. Who knows how things could turn out once a dialog gets started. Hell maybe he could hook up with lovers wife ...she might enjoy a young sensual sensitive guy she could teach all her wisdom to. Crazier things have happened.


In an effort to step up his game ....learn more...last longer ...he desperately wants to close the gap between his sexual performance and lover. Good for him in so far he will have more tools in the tool box to carry through life. However is the motivation/ expectation that he could quench or diminish your thirst and thus it will no longer be a driving need. This too could be crushing blow. " you've come a long way ...gotten much better ...I'm so proud of you but I still not going to voluntarily give up my tue/ thur sex romps...sorry."
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  #133  
Old 04-13-2012, 06:47 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I'm noticing a pattern here. It seem like only guys are saying things like, "Watch out, he can't really be happy, he's only agreeing to please you, it's lose-lose, something will snap, what will you do when it all falls apart" and so on. And the women here are all, "Good for you for having the conversation, what a positive step, glad you two are working on it, how can it be losing when you're all making the effort and being honest, he is making his choice and handling it well," etc. I wonder why this situation has sparked such a divide in responses.
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  #134  
Old 04-13-2012, 08:26 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Lets not let the fact get in the way. HE's not been happy with it ...he went so far as to pretended to be dating also ....to make her happy. He's stated he's mono. I think he's also stated in his heart of hearts he'd prefer she was solely with him and didn't have the need to have other sexual partners. I said from the beginning he should be told the truth...and in addition please read post 121....in which I congratulated her on having that difficult conversation.

Annabell constructed military career example...I'd say if she was given the same "power" ....if you can't handle me being in the military just say so and I'll go and quit tomorrow it would put her in a similar lose lose situation.

And really wouldn't you want the perspective of men ...considering he's a man. Ask a brother, father, uncle these questions ...how about lover ...oh wait he's already on record with this. Indie are you counting lovers point of view?

I do think it is good that they are both being honest and I always maintained he entered this relationship knowing the dynamic. As for how he's handling it ...we don't actually know... he's not talking to us and he's pretty good at hiding this kind of stuff. Also a week or 2 isn't a very good predictor or marker.
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  #135  
Old 04-14-2012, 01:36 AM
Mudita Mudita is offline
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Dinged,
If I were to go on Survivor and then realise half way through I couldn't hack it, I'd be faced with 3 choices.
- quit the game ( either explicitly or by getting myself voted off)
- continue on in misery
- suck it up and try and find a way to prosper and maybe win the million

So we have the lose/lose (+win) scenario.
Survivor didn't put me in this position, I did.
Being responsible for my own happiness it would be up to me decide my own future.
It's not Aurelie's decision to hand-off in the first place.
The bf has both the right & the responsibility to make this decision.

In addition, Aurelie already has a circuit breaker established of splitting with the lover which should preclude the bf getting stuck between leaving and staying and not seeing a way out.

Last edited by Mudita; 04-14-2012 at 01:11 PM.
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  #136  
Old 04-17-2012, 03:14 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Mudita,

In post 121 I say this is a box he put himself into....no argument there. And he does have every right to make any decision about his happiness in regards to his own actions. Whether to go or stay...what he wants from a relationship and partner and what he's does not want. The difference is that each side has an unpleasant consequence is so tightly tied to such decisions. What I'm saying is he's making a defacto decision on a separate sexual relationship..... a veto if you will. Not to stay or go but these are so closely tied that one a can argue both ways.

You're saying because he entered the box of his own freewill that this precludes her from having to hand off that decision. Which I would agree with you .... and yet she did in a conciliatory or negotiating gesture. Which may in fact have complicated things from an emotional point of view.
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  #137  
Old 04-17-2012, 04:01 PM
zylya zylya is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I'm noticing a pattern here. It seem like only guys are saying things like, "Watch out, he can't really be happy, he's only agreeing to please you, it's lose-lose, something will snap, what will you do when it all falls apart" and so on. And the women here are all, "Good for you for having the conversation, what a positive step, glad you two are working on it, how can it be losing when you're all making the effort and being honest, he is making his choice and handling it well," etc. I wonder why this situation has sparked such a divide in responses.
I'm a guy and I just wanted to point out that as soon as they started getting honest with each other, things started feeling better AND she found out that he was interested in some of the things which she swore blind that he wasn't interested in. And his reason? Because he thought she wasn't into it!!

Makes me want to bash myself in the head, because most of these problems could've been solved with more honesty and communication. And as she said, she did something with him that she hadn't done with him before and enjoyed it more than any other time she'd done it!

And I disagree with the assertion that all the guys are saying that he hates it, because getting honest is what I said back in the beginning Long may it continue!
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  #138  
Old 04-18-2012, 04:19 AM
Mudita Mudita is offline
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Dinged,

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
You're saying because he entered the box of his own freewill that this precludes her from having to hand off that decision.
To me the key word is "having".
I would substitute "being able to".

Aurelie cannot hand-off the decision to the bf anymore than she can hand-off my rust-bucket of a car to me as neither are hers to begin with.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
and yet she did [hand it off]
To my mind she has just put another option on the table. The bf is not obliged to take her up on this option any more than the others.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Which may in fact have complicated things from an emotional point of view.
No doubt.
But then love, kids, sex & multiple partners can get complicated right?

"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might just find, you get what you need."

Last edited by Mudita; 04-18-2012 at 05:57 AM.
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  #139  
Old 04-19-2012, 01:11 AM
Aurelie26 Aurelie26 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
I'm glad to hear your updates as I obviously had my curiosity about things earlier. I do wonder if your boyfriend or other partner think about posting on this site. Perhaps I just don't understand NOT participating in an online forum for help or advice Then again men often make no sense to me, so that's not surprising.

I am glad things seem to be on a positive path, I hope that you and yours will feel free in the future to post for suggestions if other things come up. I'd love to think everything will be smooth sailing but...I HAVE been married twice, so I know better
I could get my bf to post here, but, I would not want him to read this thread I dont think.

Anything I have said on here I have now told him, but I did not put it so bluntly as it reads on this thread.

I'll ask him sometime, not just yet though.
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  #140  
Old 04-19-2012, 01:55 AM
Aurelie26 Aurelie26 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
I think he's also stated in his heart of hearts he'd prefer she was solely with him and didn't have the need to have other sexual partners.
No, he has never said that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
If he can't take it ....and absolutely has to tap out....you think he's going to feel empowered? You think telling your lover that bf can't bare the imagines in his head of the 2 of us having sex is a empower feeling? " I have to quit because he can't handle his emotions" How does he not feel like he let you down....let himself down ...meaning he thought he was stronger.
My bf knows that he has never let me down. I have asked him if he wants me to give up my lover, it was not put to him in a "If you cant handle it, I'll force myself to drop him" way. I Asked him in a loving way, not a threat or ultimatum, a question, one that he knew he was free to answer in anyway he wanted. He choose to answer it by saying that he didn't want me to, although he can't say if he will always feel this way! Anytime he has doubts he knows we can talk again. He knows the truth, and all his questions have been answered, he did not run of, or sulk, he was upset, but not for long. We are still very happy in our day to day lives, and will work through any problems that arise.

He has helped me with lots of my problems and difficulties, most of which are unrelated to this thread. I know he has helped me far more than I have helped him. The only thing I have been able to help him with was his sexual shyness and premature ejaculation, we have had fun with me teaching him how to get me off, and now we are having more fun as I'm teaching him other stuff. As you can imagine P.E is a difficult thing for a guy to ask for help with, we have worked through it, and made it good. That's what we do, work hard to put things right for us and our family. What my son & I have done for him is give him our unconditional love, he returns it. I think you forget that in your posts, the love we have is why we will never split.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
There could be several happy out comes. He may learn to cope perfectly. And never have a another jealous thought . He may embrace the cuckold/turned on / hot wife thing....he may be invited to watch or participate and really get off that way.
I really do appreciate everyones help, but could you stop calling my bf a cuckold or a babysitter. I dont like it, and dont think it is very nice.
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