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  #91  
Old 04-05-2012, 06:54 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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What do you think your need for having him awake when you arrive home (after your dates with lover) is based on.

Need of reassurance that what you're doing is ok.? convincing self, ease guilt... if any.

Need of reassurance that what just occurred isn't really....really bothering boyfriend. At least not enough to cause big problems.

Some other need ...????

I guess knowing he dislikes the situation....why push the after date get together...I see nothing in it for him. If it was comforting and helpful he'd be doing it. Its more like rubbing his nose in it and he's opted to fake sleep so as to not deal with it.
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  #92  
Old 04-06-2012, 05:56 AM
Aurelie26 Aurelie26 is offline
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Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
Aurelie, something you should keep in mind your bf is passing his NRE stage as well with you perhaps, that could be another factor in not waiting up for you.

I really think you need to let it go. I might mean a lot to you, but it doesn't mean anything healthy. If you really want you relationship with your bf to thrive, you have a lot of work to be doing on your own. The more you share about your relationship the more likely it seems to me that your boyfriend might be having the attitude he has because you have other stuff going on.

Having read all of these books, I highly recommend them for your particular situation, for your boyfriend to read too. Sounds like he could use his own help for setting boundaries.
Thank you for the links Anne. They look interesting, I will read them and I hope they help. I guess controlling people dont think they are controlling do they? Thing is, I really dont think I am, and neither is my bf. I would say we are both very laid back. I do not cope with confrontation very well, and will do almost anything to avoid it. I think that my bf is the same, and thats why we have been able to do this for nearly a year without any real problems, up till recently anyway. I now think that this has not been such a great thing, and that we should have been talking about everything all through our relationship, I think that is more healthy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
What do you think your need for having him awake when you arrive home (after your dates with lover) is based on.

Need of reassurance that what you're doing is ok.? convincing self, ease guilt... if any.

Need of reassurance that what just occurred isn't really....really bothering boyfriend. At least not enough to cause big problems.

Some other need ...????.
Well, I just want a hug, I just want some affection and tenderness from him, it's not what I get from my lover. My bf just has a way of making me feel loved, and I know that my son feels the same way about him. My bf is not afraid to express his feelings that way.

I think it's also a way for me to tell him that although I have been with my lover, I'm back now, and that I will always come back to him, because he is the person, along with my son that I need, and love the most.

To help me ease guilt, yes a little, and also a kiss & cuddle was a way for him to tell me it was o.k. Reassurance, yes for sure..

Quote:
Originally Posted by km34 View Post
Did you set a specific time that you would be home so that he isn't stuck waiting indefinitely? I think that is an important sign of your willingness to work with him to make him more comfortable with the situation.


Yes Km34, we did set a specific time for me to come in last night, I asked him what time he wants me home, and he said 10.30pm. That's is early, seeing as sometimes I dont get back till gone midnight, but I said o.k. I got in at 10.15, and he was waiting for me.

People reading this must think I'm nuts, but I can't tell you how much it meant to me and I got a bit emotional.

Max was in our bed, but my bf explained that Max and him have got into this habit. He gives him his bath, and then they watch dvds or play X box in bed, and then have a cuddle while reading him a story, and then he falls asleep.

My bf and I had a kiss and cuddle like we used to, and we have arranged a sitter for Max on Sunday. We have both agreed that we need to talk about things, I have told him that he can ask me anything he wants and I will answer him, and he has agreed to do the same.

I hope it goes o.k

Last edited by Aurelie26; 04-06-2012 at 06:15 AM.
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  #93  
Old 04-06-2012, 08:03 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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Awesome! I'm sure you two will be able to work something out, and I completely understand about wanting that closeness when you get home. It's probably good for both of you for exactly the reasons you stated - you reassuring him that you'll always come back and him reassuring you that he's still there for you.

I also think it's adorable that he and Max have a routine for the nights that you're not there for bedtime. It's good Dad-Son bonding time.

Best of luck with all the discussions!
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  #94  
Old 04-06-2012, 01:53 PM
darthfrog darthfrog is offline
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TBH everyone here is being way too nice to you. you are treating him like shit. It's only polyamory if it is consensual by all. The kind of consent that you have from your bf is not really consent. You are being a terrible person but that doesn't mean that you can't decide to stop being one and put a stop to the abuse and break up with either lover or bf or both.

If someone loves you too much to leave and is willing to put up with your behaviour then there is a massive imbalance of power in that relationship. There is no consent in a meaningful way just the dependency on you that means he will put up with anything.

Much the same as the all too common situation in a relationship where a man is verbally, emotionally or physically abusive to the women but the woman feels to weak and disempowered to leave, and loves him anyway the power dynamic is unhealthy and wrong.

I'm speaking as an anarchist, I believe in analysing, critiquing and challenging exploitative and heirarchical relationships, whether economic or social.
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  #95  
Old 04-06-2012, 02:36 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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I have to admit, I would NEVER tell DH that he needs to stay up because while I'm out having awesome sex, I don't get enough 'loving attention' so he needs to stay up so I can have both. I think DH would flip and be right to. I mean, you want the awesome sex with one guy, but then the cuddles with someone else after. Like he's a stand in. "I love you but the sex is better there, so just wait outside the door, we'll have the awesome sex, and when we're done, you slip in while he slips out and cuddle me!"

In a perfect world, where there were no feelings involved for these guys and you could just have what you wanted with no consequences, then great! Otherwise that just does not ring caring to me.

Look, there is just more to poly then having everything you want, getting the best of both worlds. In effect, you are a hinge. That means there is more pressure on you because you are balancing two relationships. SO far it looks like you are doing the LEAST amount of work in all of this. You have issues with confrontation, so do I. I'm working on it. I have done MORE work on myself and my marriage since poly not less. I have to work on my communication, my issues. I have to be honest with how I feel and what I want. Why I want it and if it's something I need to find for myself instead of getting from someone else.

Yes, I get much from both the men in my life, but it's not their job to make me feel any way. If you need to feel reassured because you were out having hot sex and not at home with your son and boyfriend, then imagine how the boyfriend feels??

I recommend the two of you doing some work on your communication and on yourselves. Poly isn't a way to salve your issues and not have to deal with them. If anything, to do it successfully and fairly, it's a catalyst to work on yourself and your own issues. Otherwise you are just expanding the amount of people you are having issues with and possibly hurt!
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  #96  
Old 04-06-2012, 03:03 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by darthfrog View Post
TBH everyone here is being way too nice to you. you are treating him like shit. It's only polyamory if it is consensual by all. The kind of consent that you have from your bf is not really consent. You are being a terrible person but that doesn't mean that you can't decide to stop being one and put a stop to the abuse and break up with either lover or bf or both.
What the hell, dude? She was with her lover first. She loves him, even though she acknowledges that their connection is mainly sex and that he can be arrogant. Her bf was cool with it at the start, which is perfectly reasonable in a poly/open context. Recently he's become less cool with it, so what should she have done in your view, dropped her lover at the first sign of discontent from the bf? That would have been kind of extreme, don't you think, and cruel in its own way both to her and her lover. It would have been treating the lover as completely disposable and again, yes, that connection is mainly about sex, but that doesn't mean it doesn't matter to them.

So she's taking her bf's feelings seriously, trying to figure out what to do, she's willing to drop her lover if necessary but she doesn't want to, she's exploring what option will best suit everyone's needs.

How the hell is she being a terrible person? By not immediately leaving the "less important person" because the "more important person" begins to decide, quite out of nowhere, that they have a problem with that relationship after all? You say that as an anarchist you challenge hierarchy, but I've gotta say that as someone who's in a "secondary" relationship with someone who has another "primary" relationship I find the notion that she's terrible for not immediately dropping her lover for her bf's comfort offensive and *reinforcing* of the idea of hierarchy.

Would it be different if her relationship with her lover was non-sexual? Or if the sex was less steamy with the lover, the lover had a smaller dick than the bf, etc., and the bf's newly found discomfort was unfounded, or was for some other reason, like feeling emotionally threatened? I get the sense, and not just from you in this thread, that that might be so, which makes me wonder how that attitude is anything other than "slut-shaming", i.e. giving a woman a hard time for enjoying sex.

She has two relationships, with nuances in each. One is more serious than the other. The person with whom she has the more serious relationship has decided he no longer feels sanguine about the less serious relationship. He hasn't "withdrawn consent", she is not abusing him and she's not ignoring him, they are working on it. And you come in here and call her a terrible person. Ugh.

This is not a simple situation, and your insulting and reductionist response isn't helpful.
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  #97  
Old 04-06-2012, 07:50 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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AnnabelMore,

The situation is simple, it's the fallout if the truth were learned that makes it complex. The acid test would be to let the Bf read this thread and let him decide how he wants to proceed....in terms of the relationship...babysitting, what love means to him and to her, the need for after date cuddle time. Eye's wide open.
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  #98  
Old 04-09-2012, 05:37 PM
Brid75 Brid75 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vixtoria View Post
I have to admit, I would NEVER tell DH that he needs to stay up because while I'm out having awesome sex, I don't get enough 'loving attention' so he needs to stay up so I can have both. I think DH would flip and be right to. I mean, you want the awesome sex with one guy, but then the cuddles with someone else after. Like he's a stand in. "I love you but the sex is better there, so just wait outside the door, we'll have the awesome sex, and when we're done, you slip in while he slips out and cuddle me!"

In a perfect world, where there were no feelings involved for these guys and you could just have what you wanted with no consequences, then great! Otherwise that just does not ring caring to me.

Look, there is just more to poly then having everything you want, getting the best of both worlds. In effect, you are a hinge. That means there is more pressure on you because you are balancing two relationships. SO far it looks like you are doing the LEAST amount of work in all of this. You have issues with confrontation, so do I. I'm working on it. I have done MORE work on myself and my marriage since poly not less. I have to work on my communication, my issues. I have to be honest with how I feel and what I want. Why I want it and if it's something I need to find for myself instead of getting from someone else.

Yes, I get much from both the men in my life, but it's not their job to make me feel any way. If you need to feel reassured because you were out having hot sex and not at home with your son and boyfriend, then imagine how the boyfriend feels??

I recommend the two of you doing some work on your communication and on yourselves. Poly isn't a way to salve your issues and not have to deal with them. If anything, to do it successfully and fairly, it's a catalyst to work on yourself and your own issues. Otherwise you are just expanding the amount of people you are having issues with and possibly hurt!
Vixtoria, has your poly relationship always run smoothly. Do you never have any issues, slight signs of the occasional bit of jealousy, or whatever else? It sounds to me that Aurelies relationship, up to recently has run very smoothly, and now that a problem has crept up she is trying to deal with it. Trying to make an effort to communicate.

I have read the situation regarding her wanting her boyfriend to stay up for her, completely different to you. It sounds to me that her bf used to stay up till she got in, not because she told him to, but because he wanted to, and recently that has changed.(Correct me if I'm wrong about this Aurelie) This has upset her, so she again ASKED him to stay up, and offered to come home earlier. She came home at the time he asked, and he was waiting. I think it is a very loving thing for them both to do, for the reasons Aurelie stated. It rings CARING to me, from both of them. Aurelie says that her man is very sensitive, I'm beginning to suspect that she is also. He has provided an explanation for why the child is in their bed, and I agree with Km34, it's adorable, and perfectly reasonable, she may have been reading to much into him not staying up.

Aurelie, I have what I consider to be a good poly relationship with my Husband, boyfriend and his wife. My husband is mono, as is my bf's wife. We are all consenting and it works very well. It doesn't mean that we haven't had our problems though, we have. Sometimes we fight like cat & dog, sometimes with my husband, sometimes with my boyfriend, sometimes with both. I have screamed at them both and called them all the names you can think of, and they have done the same. We then make up. What I'm saying is that it's not always easy, even now things can get rough from time to time. We get through it.

I think up to now you have been very lucky, you have been together a year and the only problem you have had is a bit of moodiness and jealousy from your boyfriend. That's nothing compared to most couples, poly or not. It's not the end of the world, you can get over these problems.

To my mind, to make this kind of relationship work you need these things..................

Love/ Respect/ Honesty/ Good communication.

Aurelie, you have the first three, you and your boyfriend just need to work on the last one, and you will be fine
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  #99  
Old 04-09-2012, 05:45 PM
Brid75 Brid75 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
AnnabelMore,

The situation is simple, it's the fallout if the truth were learned that makes it complex. The acid test would be to let the Bf read this thread and let him decide how he wants to proceed....in terms of the relationship...babysitting, what love means to him and to her, the need for after date cuddle time. Eye's wide open.

You continue to refer to Aurelies boyfriend as a "babysitter."


Quote:
Originally Posted by Aurelie26 View Post
Max was in our bed, but my bf explained that Max and him have got into this habit. He gives him his bath, and then they watch dvds or play X box in bed, and then have a cuddle while reading him a story, and then he falls asleep.

^^^^^^^ That does not sound like any babysitter I have ever used. It sounds like a very sweet and loving father, who adores his son, which is exactly what Aurelie says he is.

Just because when you were 28, you were not mature enough to look after, and love a child that wasn't biologically yours, don't assume that every man is the same, they are not.

My husband was 25 when we married, and he has been a wonderful father to my daughter. He is not, or never was a babysitter.

If Aurelies boyfriend was to read her own posts in this thread, not mine, or yours or the others, he would see what I see.................

That his girlfriend loves him very much!!!!!!!! Above all else, that is what comes through to me in her post. He would see that she loves the life she has with him, that he is the best thing that has ever happened to her and her son. He would see that he loves the sex life that she has with him, and that he makes her feel more loved when they are intimate than anyone else ever has. She also loves another man, this is something she told him from the beginning. She does not love this man as much as him, but there is still love there. He would see that she needs her lover sexually because he can give her something else, something he cannot.

I suspect that he would know all of this already, she just needs to find the best way to confirm it to him. Which is what she is trying to do.
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  #100  
Old 04-09-2012, 05:49 PM
Brid75 Brid75 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by darthfrog View Post
TBH everyone here is being way too nice to you. you are treating him like shit. It's only polyamory if it is consensual by all. The kind of consent that you have from your bf is not really consent. You are being a terrible person but that doesn't mean that you can't decide to stop being one and put a stop to the abuse and break up with either lover or bf or both.

If someone loves you too much to leave and is willing to put up with your behaviour then there is a massive imbalance of power in that relationship. There is no consent in a meaningful way just the dependency on you that means he will put up with anything.

Much the same as the all too common situation in a relationship where a man is verbally, emotionally or physically abusive to the women but the woman feels to weak and disempowered to leave, and loves him anyway the power dynamic is unhealthy and wrong.

I'm speaking as an anarchist, I believe in analysing, critiquing and challenging exploitative and heirarchical relationships, whether economic or social.

I think that Annabelmore got it spot on, I have only one thing to add.....Darthfrog, your an idiot.


Trying to compare Aurelie with a man that beats his wife..............Jeez. I suspect that you have a problem with Aurelie because she is a young woman that enjoys her sexuality. You have a problem that she gets lots of it, and that she chooses to get it from two different men that she loves. Her boyfriend who is the loving, kind, gentle type, and her lover who is a stud with a big dick who knows how to push her buttons. As Annabelmore says, if it was the other way round you would have far less of a problem.

I have to say that I'm surprised and disappointed that she has not got more support on this forum.

Aurelie, I hope things went well for you over the weekend. x
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