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  #11  
Old 03-23-2012, 05:16 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Yeah, I wouldn`t really blame the forum for how well/poorly you have been received.

These ladies and gents are actually bothering to respond with some helpful ideas for you, so they must see some good. I can`t even be bothered.

So while the feedback may be hard to take in, it might be worth listening to.
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  #12  
Old 03-23-2012, 08:15 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Originally Posted by squirtteacher88 View Post
I married the girl of my dreams (literally... I had dreams about her before we met) and part of our dating life was having experiences like threesomes and dates with a third woman. Neither of us suggested this we just kind of stumbled on it in our relationship. Similarly she stumbled upon exhibitionism and works as a webcam model now making money playing with other girls and herself on cams.

Except now that we're married when I suggest finding a girlfriend as a couple she gets very jealous and seems disinterested in the whole idea. It seems almost like she was poly just until I made a legal commitment and then she switched to being mono. I've not mentioned this for a while but I frankly feel very unfulfilled being able to have a romantic, sexual, and familial relationship with only one woman. This isn't a horny selfish thing either it's that I feel kinda bad for not taking care of and protecting single women out there who are putting themselves out to be abused by guys who do not care about who they are as people but are just trying to have sex and leave. It gets to be very painful for me to hear about these kinds of things when they happen and it makes me want to love on them.

I just want to be able to have a long term relationship with another woman and even a trinogamous relationship since my wife is bi. I don't want someone else to make a lifetime commitment to but rather see my wife and I as a transition relationship a woman can enter into when she doesn't have time for a monogamous one but wants affection when she needs it without losing focus on school, work, or other personal goals she has.

My wife doesn't like the idea of us dating anyone since her last girlfriend (who only dated her exclusively) moved away to south africa and I continually feel like a douchebag for suggesting things that I think will help her get over it and get us back in the game. I'm just not sure what to do and I feel a bit confused about my own sexual identity (that most people would see at face-value and call douchey when it's motivated out of respect and love) and I feel confused about how to lovingly explain to my wife that this isn't just a desire for me it's a need.
I have a bunch of questions for you and a few comments. First, did you and your wife talk about what marriage and committment mean to each of you and what it means in your relationship? I ask because it is really common for people to assume that legal marriage equals monogamy without really thinking about that idea further. They just accept it as a given and assume that 'everyone', including their spouse, also accepts this. Maybe your wife has consciously or unconsciously taken as a given, that once married, one is monogamous. I'm just throwing this out there as a possibility, it may or may not prove true.

Second, if I read your post right, you two have had threesomes with other women and that your wife had a long-term serious girlfriend who moved very far away. (That's hard as I have lost a long distance relationship as well.) You did not date the girlfriend who moved to South Africa. Do I have that right?

Now you wish to find another woman to date yourself and your wife at the same time, have threesomes with, and so on. Your wife is hesitant about this. What about you dating separately from your wife? (Assuming this is ok with her obviously.) What about her dating separately from you? You have not mentioned men. Assuming you are straight, is there a rule or agreement that your wife dating other men is not ok? The structure you propose - one woman for both of you at the same time - just may not interest your wife right now but she might be open to other structures.

I also wanted to comment about the cam thing. Your wife is already expending erotic energy with other women. It may be a business arrangement for her but it still requires energy, time, effort, and commitment to perform on cam. Any performer can tell you how draining performing is. She may be tapped out doing her cam work and meeting your erotic needs, and her own, to even consider finding another lovely lass. In addition, she may just really not want another pussy or boob in her face. Maybe she wants just you right now, or maybe she would want another dick, just for variety. Only your wife will know this. But consider that erotic energy, like any energy, has its limits and your wife may be pushing hers.

Also, I agree with km34's comment that your wife is likely grieving the loss of her girlfriend and just isn't ready to move on yet. This isn't a process you can, or should, hurry along.

It doesn't bother me that you are seeking someone who wants a 'transition relationship'. I think there are many people, including myself, who would consider such a thing, as long as all involved were upfront about it. However, when discussing less serious (i.e. not intended to be lifelong) relationships, there is always the law of unintended consequences. People fall in love unexpectedly all the time. You fall in love, or your wife does, or the object of your transitional relationship does. Then what? Something to think about.

What do you mean you are confused about your sexual identity? I can't figure out what you are trying to say, especially that bit about "...most people would see at face-value and call douchey when it's motivated out of respect and love".

Finally, and this is where you need to just hear this. Try not to get immediately defensive.

"This isn't a horny selfish thing either it's that I feel kinda bad for not taking care of and protecting single women out there who are putting themselves out to be abused by guys who do not care about who they are as people but are just trying to have sex and leave. It gets to be very painful for me to hear about these kinds of things when they happen and it makes me want to love on them."

The bolded part comes across as 1) creepy and 2) potentially predatory. I assume that you are, in real life, not actually creepy or predatory. However, even with that assumption, I had a strong reaction to those words, as did many other people who replied. In fact, I almost didn't reply, I was so disturbed.

Here's why your words were creepy. First, the attitude displayed by that comment is disrespectful. Why? It implies that women cannot take care of themselves and need someone to guide them, bind their wounds, and fuck them silly in the process. The comment shows a lack of awareness of women as adults, who make choices, learn from them (or not), and stand on their two feet. It also shows perhaps a lack of desire to treat women, especially young, attractive, single women, as adults, as equals. Also, you only mention your desire to take care of and protect single women. As you are married, your best bet in outside partners are women who are in open marriages or relationships. Yet, you show no interest. I assume that you have concluded that partnered women already have someone, presumably male, to take care of them and protect them. This reinforces my earlier point that you seem to have some underlying assumptions that single women (and maybe women in general) consistently make dumb romantic decisions, always choose the douchebag guy, and end up being used and abused.

And here is why that comment reads to me as possibly predatory. I get that you feel protective. Men are taught that this is part of their 'job' as men. That is not predatory in and of itself.

I also get that you want your single women friends to date men who will treat them well. (As an aside, your women friends may be fine with being a one night stand or the occasional fuck. Many women, especially younger women who are figuring out their sexual natures, have trouble acknowledging this because it is still not socially acceptable for women to behave in this way and admit that they enjoyed themselves.) Also, women often do make dumb decisions about romantic or sexual partners. I have wished in the past that many of my friends would make better dating decisions.

The comment feels predatory to me because 1) you are only interested in 'taking care of' single women, and 2) you focus on vulnerable women as who you want to fuck. You don't mention wanting to fuck the got it together, stable, handling her business single woman. You don't mention wanting to fuck the single women who is not in a crappy relationship and isn't whining to you about her crappy boyfriend. You zero in on the vulnerable women, who makes bad decisions, listens to her pain and offers to ease her loss by fucking her. You also conflate taking care of and protecting with sex, like that's the price a woman pays to get your care and attention. That's why your comment felt possibly predatory to me.

Last edited by opalescent; 03-23-2012 at 08:20 PM. Reason: grammer goofs
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  #13  
Old 04-11-2012, 08:13 PM
geo05 geo05 is offline
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First off I would like to thank you for starting this thread and expressing your situation. Although I do not have any experience in the poly lifestyle, I still wanted to reply with my thoughts on the situation.

I recently began to believe that I may be in the same situation and I have learned a lot by reading this thread. It actually surprised me when you said,
"This isn't a horny selfish thing either it's that I feel kinda bad for not taking care of and protecting single women out there who are putting themselves out to be abused by guys who do not care about who they are as people but are just trying to have sex and leave. It gets to be very painful for me to hear about these kinds of things when they happen and it makes me want to love on them."
I have had a similar mentality for many years (even before I married my wife). I see where you are coming from and I don't think that makes you creepy, sexist, or one-track minded in any way. Quite the opposite. I'm surprised that a lot of people insist that you are only saying that because you want the physical side.

Here's how I would explain my mentality and you can tell me if it follows your line of thinking:

In my life I see many people with good hearts/souls and people with corrupt hearts/souls (on both sides. men and woman). It's unfortunate to say, but I find that there are a lot of men that have failed to learn how to treat women with the love and respect they deserve. Those women with good hearts/souls don't deserve the pain that they're forced to go through (either because of their environment or one mistake). I'm not saying that I am going to be the all powerful liberator of these women, but I can't help but care for them deep within. I believe that everyone has the capacity to truly love more than one person at a time because each person is different and provides something completely unique in a relationship. When I say I care about these women I don't mean that I want them for sex, I don't mean I want to baby them and make them feel like they need me. As a matter of fact, I don't want them to rely on me. I will not help those who choose to not help themselves. Instead I want to show my care for them and show them what it's like to be loved by another emotionally. Do these feelings make me a sex hungry creep that believes women need saving? I don't think so. That kind of mind frame is so far from my intentions that it sickens me think even think about using someone like that. And I am not looking to target only those who have been hurt and beaten down. I look for those who have kind hearts and deserve to feel emotional warmth that so few men understand. I want to do this because I have an enormous heart filled with love that I want to share. I'd like to think it's more chivalrous than selfish (selfless even because I find happiness in seeing another's smile).

I, like you, do not know where I fit in with my sexuality and I wish to learn more so that I may grow.

Also to give you a bit of my background: I just recently married the woman I met in high school. We have been off and on a couple of times, but my feelings were strong and we fell in love. At the beginning of our relationship I was simply the friend that listened to her relationship problems and how poorly her boyfriends treated her (while giving advice and warnings that proved accurate). One day I said enough and asked her out. Our feelings grew from there. Now after all those years the feeling of deeply caring for others has not gone away and I am having my own trouble explaining this to her. She is dealing with her own conflicts because she is bi and found that she has real feelings for a girl she met (who we are both friends with). I am fine with her having these feelings, but she cannot feel the same about my situation. Every time it comes up in conversation it immediately goes to the "Why am I not enough" argument.
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