How do I tell my wife I'm poly?

[squirtteacher88]

Hello!

I'm a young video professional in the DC area and I've known that I was interested in having more than one relationship at a time for a while now. I've been encountering a lot of confusion in my life since I got married. I married the girl of my dreams (literally... I had dreams about her before we met) and part of our dating life was having experiences like threesomes and dates with a third woman. Neither of us suggested this we just kind of stumbled on it in our relationship. Similarly she stumbled upon exhibitionism and works as a webcam model now making money playing with other girls and herself on cams.

I don't know jealousy really. I think it's wonderful to have someone so sexually open as a wife. Except now that we're married when I suggest finding a girlfriend as a couple she gets very jealous and seems disinterested in the whole idea. It seems almost like she was poly just until I made a legal commitment and then she switched to being mono. I've not mentioned this for a while but I frankly feel very unfulfilled being able to have a romantic, sexual, and familial relationship with only one woman. This isn't a horny selfish thing either it's that I feel kinda bad for not taking care of and protecting single women out there who are putting themselves out to be abused by guys who do not care about who they are as people but are just trying to have sex and leave. It gets to be very painful for me to hear about these kinds of things when they happen and it makes me want to love on them.

I also feel attracted to many different kinds of people. My wife is one kind (my opposite) but sometimes I want to enjoy a woman who is more like me and can share the kinds of things that I enjoy. I know I didn't marry the wrong person for me and I don't want to divorce her. I just want to be able to have a long term relationship with another woman and even a trinogamous relationship since my wife is bi. I don't want someone else to make a lifetime commitment to but rather see my wife and I as a transition relationship a woman can enter into when she doesn't have time for a monogamous one but wants affection when she needs it without losing focus on school, work, or other personal goals she has.

My wife doesn't like the idea of us dating anyone since her last girlfriend (who only dated her exclusively) moved away to south africa and I continually feel like a douchebag for suggesting things that I think will help her get over it and get us back in the game. I'm just not sure what to do and I feel a bit confused about my own sexual identity (that most people would see at face-value and call douchey when it's motivated out of respect and love) and I feel confused about how to lovingly explain to my wife that this isn't just a desire for me it's a need.

Any thoughts or similar stories from you all?

[dingedheart]

Hi and welcome,

I had a couple thoughts...

How exactly do you teach squirting?

How long does it take to master?

[squirtteacher88]

We have done actual "lessons" with willing women in the past where we show them what areas to stimulate and even make them squirt for the first time ourselves (its usually possible after a few minutes of foreplay with the right stimulation). To become proficient at squirting to be able to do it every time it can sometimes take a great deal of self-exploration on the part of the new squirter but still far less than trying to figure out how it should feel by herself... My wife and I have really enjoyed sharing this special skill with women as our little gift to them.

Until recently we had discussed making how-to videos and run an informative educational blog or forum for women who want to learn nationwide... That seems very out-of-reach now.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by squirtteacher88

Except now that we're married when I suggest finding a girlfriend as a couple she gets very jealous and seems disinterested in the whole idea. It seems almost like she was poly just until I made a legal commitment and then she switched to being mono.

Maybe she sees commitment as monogamous, maybe not. Have you discussed this with her? It sounds to me like you believe that poly is about sex from what you have said in your post. But then you say you don't and talk about NOT committing to other women you want to sleep with.... hmmmm, I notice quite a few inconsistencies...

Originally Posted by squirtteacher88

This isn't a horny selfish thing either it's that I feel kinda bad for not taking care of and protecting single women out there who are putting themselves out to be abused by guys who do not care about who they are as people but are just trying to have sex and leave. It gets to be very painful for me to hear about these kinds of things when they happen and it makes me want to love on them.

OOooooookay. This is where you have to bare with me. Totally gets under my skin this quote.

You are not the saviour of all women who have been done wrong. You are not the saviour of anyone. Do me and all women a favour. DON'T ATTEMPT TO RESCUE US. WE ARE NOT KITTENS IN TREES. Would you like me to rescue you from something? I doubt it. You would want to work it out for yourself because you are a grown up. You are not a child, women are not children. GAH, seriously. What on earth made you think that you could save anyone by dating someone just out of pity and so they could be all cozy in you and your wife's arms until they feel like they can go it alone. What makes you think that this attitude is any BETTER than a guy that uses them for sex? What do you have to offer that would convince a woman that they will not also be used by you too with the attitude that you will not commit to them but fuck them and pet their head?!
Really, if you want to help? Just listen and empathize, that's it. No other requirement. If you can't handle hearing it then ask them not to tell you. Your responsibility ends with being a really good listener. The rest just comes across as creepy.

Originally Posted by squirtteacher88

My wife is one kind (my opposite) but sometimes I want to enjoy a woman who is more like me and can share the kinds of things that I enjoy....... I just want to be able to have a long term relationship with another woman and even a trinogamous relationship since my wife is bi.......

Skip the trinogamy and get your own girlfriend. That would be my suggestion. Why do you need to be with your wife in a relationship. She is her own person and so are you. You are not one merged person. You are two people that have a relationship. You can also be a person with another woman and have a relationship.

Originally Posted by squirtteacher88

I don't want someone else to make a lifetime commitment to but rather see my wife and I as a transition relationship a woman can enter into when she doesn't have time for a monogamous one but wants affection when she needs it without losing focus on school, work, or other personal goals she has.

This is really not a good option in my opinion. What you are saying to me is that you will use her for sex and to get off on feeling like you are rescuing her and filling some need and she will use you both because she doesn't have time for real relationships. This to me is not poly but swinging. Maybe that would be a better option for you. At least it would be possible to have some sex without commitment of love involved. This scenario is not poly.

Originally Posted by squirtteacher88

My wife doesn't like the idea of us dating anyone since her last girlfriend (who only dated her exclusively) moved away to south africa and I continually feel like a douchebag for suggesting things that I think will help her get over it and get us back in the game. I'm just not sure what to do and I feel a bit confused about my own sexual identity (that most people would see at face-value and call douchey when it's motivated out of respect and love) and I feel confused about how to lovingly explain to my wife that this isn't just a desire for me it's a need.

Leave her to her own path then and find yourself a girlfriend. I think its rude and uncaring and unkind to suggest she "get over it" by finding a woman that you will take care off together. You should feel like a douchbag. You sound like one.

I think you have some stuff to learn about poly and about women. I know very few, other than in a BDSM scenario (that lasts as long as the scene) that would want to be rescued and taken care of by you and your unwilling wife. It just doesn't happen... at all? I don't know, never say never?

I can see why you are confused. You really have some more reading on poly (there is something that you are not getting somehow), some soul searching and some communicating to do with your wife. Bottom line? I think you need to find yourself a poly girlfriend that can take care of herself but doesn't mind crying on your shoulder and having her head petted when other men treat her like shit.

I am not going to comment on the squirting.... that is for another thread (trust you to hone in on that Dinged , lol). If you want to start one on this topic elsewhere then I suggest taking it to the "fireplace" forum. It doesn't fit the criteria here.

[km34]

Originally Posted by squirtteacher88

My wife doesn't like the idea of us dating anyone since her last girlfriend (who only dated her exclusively) moved away to south africa and I continually feel like a douchebag for suggesting things that I think will help her get over it and get us back in the game. I'm just not sure what to do and I feel a bit confused about my own sexual identity (that most people would see at face-value and call douchey when it's motivated out of respect and love) and I feel confused about how to lovingly explain to my wife that this isn't just a desire for me it's a need.

Any thoughts or similar stories from you all?

Get back into the game? What game? Why is there a game? Anything that includes other people's emotions should NEVER be considered a game.

Also, your wife is not ready or willing to enter into another relationship. She's still grieving the loss of the one she had before. Give her time and stop bugging her about it so she can process. Either bring the subject up again in the future after she's had time to heal, or let her know (once, not repeatedly) that you would really appreciate it if she'd bring it up when she's ready to discuss it. It might be a while, though, and that's okay. In the meantime, you could see if she'd be okay with you pursuing others without her.

I'm also just going to say that I second pretty much everything RP said about your attitudes towards women instead of going on a rant of my own.

[squirtteacher88]

Originally Posted by redpepper

OOooooookay. This is where you have to bare with me. Totally gets under my skin this quote.

You are not the saviour of all women who have been done wrong. You are not the saviour of anyone. Do me and all women a favour. DON'T ATTEMPT TO RESCUE US. WE ARE NOT KITTENS IN TREES. Would you like me to rescue you from something? I doubt it. You would want to work it out for yourself because you are a grown up. You are not a child, women are not children. GAH, seriously. What on earth made you think that you could save anyone by dating someone just out of pity and so they could be all cozy in you and your wife's arms until they feel like they can go it alone. What makes you think that this attitude is any BETTER than a guy that uses them for sex? What do you have to offer that would convince a woman that they will not also be used by you too with the attitude that you will not commit to them but fuck them and pet their head?!
Really, if you want to help? Just listen and empathize, that's it. No other requirement. If you can't handle hearing it then ask them not to tell you. Your responsibility ends with being a really good listener. The rest just comes across as creepy.

Ok granted... I hear what you're saying. And I certainly didn't mean to come across as a savior to all women because I know very well that I am not and neither is my wife. However we just both have a huge heart for being there for people in rough situations and here's the basis for that:

The first girl we dated together we never actually had sex with, we just loved. We had expressed attraction and connection with her before and then one day it turned out that she was going to flee from an abusive ex-boyfriend who was taking extreme advantage of her, threatening her life, doing unspeakably evil things to her body, mind, and soul and she finally got the courage to get away and hide with us. With my wife's gentleness she found the understanding that she needed and a shoulder to cry on and with my 6'6" frame she knew that even if her boyfriend found her there was no way he was going to start anything without being very easily neutralized and sent away. Both of us gave her lots of hugs and kisses and reminded her that she's beautiful and that she can stand on her own two feet without him. After about 10 months she did (without us helping her to do anything but keep her spirits up and feel loved) and we keep in touch with her though now from a long distance.

That was probably the most my wife and I have been in sync as a couple is when we work together to love someone else AND each other. Since then we've been pursuing a healthier trinogamous situation (since I don't think you can recreate how well the above example went if you try) but just recently she's been finding girlfriends for just herself and then forbidding me to do the same on the grounds that since I'm a guy it would be cheating and promises that she will find someone else we can share eventually but "not this one" (speaking of her recent ex).

Admittedly I do have some to learn about poly... I don't know of anyone like me in the real world except I thought my wife was and I guess she is... but on her terms. My first duty and responsibility is to her but I just want to know how to get fair treatment and the ability to exercise polyamory without making her feel like I'm not satisfied by her or that it's just cheating because I happen to be attracted to members of the opposite sex whereas she, with the exception of myself, is attracted to members of the same sex. I'm confused about how to approach it because I'm not entirely sure how to define myself. I have utmost respect for women and seek to empower more than anything else... those who know me understand that. And while I don't seek lifetime commitments from a third partner, that's for 2 main reasons...

1. We haven't found someone where it's worked out for a long period of time... most women want a monogamous relationship of their own instead of sharing with us forever and so in practical terms it just seemed better to approach it from the standpoint of "we're always here for you until you decide to move on but let's never lose the love and connection we shared"
2. We aren't strong enough into a poly lifestyle to be able to handle explaining it to our friends and families. They would not understand.

I have spoken to my wife since and apologized for trying to help her move on at a different pace than she was comfortable with. I just frankly wanted to cheer her up so that I could enjoy her company myself. She has admitted that she is hanging on to the memory of her ex when in actuality she has not lost her... just the physical aspects and only until the next time they meet. She's admitted that she wants for us to continue looking for a trinogamous 3rd together and has apologized for being unfair in her expectations of me so all is right on that front.

I guess I'm still just confused about how to define myself or explain myself since I'm new to talking about all this... I don't know anyone else who is poly and I don't connect with a swinging lifestyle (since my goals are both physical AND emotional connection). I appreciate the constructive criticism of the polyamory.com community and if there's resources I should look for to help me understand myself better then I'm all ears! But please don't misread my intentions as chauvinist or even traditionalist... in my job the majority of our clients are non-profit organizations and several that protect women's rights and that even help RESCUE (yes... they use that word in their marketing like it or not) women in abusive and dangerous situations.

Oh and the "Get back in the game" comment I made is just semantics... I'm a little league baseball coach as well so I was using a metaphor that I commonly do... far be it from me to treat anyone's heart or soul like a "game" including my wife's... which is why I wanted advice on how to approach this in the first place because I didn't want anyone in this situation feeling hurt.

[nycindie]

I think you'd be better off looking for a swinger community to discuss your issues. You're only focused on sex, it seems, and polyamory is more than that. I also want to point out how disrespectful it is to keep harping on your wife to "get a girlfriend" for your own prurient interests. I suggest you start working on your marriage before doing anything.


Oh, and yeah, women don't need your dick to rescue them.

[dingedheart]

Originally Posted by squirtteacher88

(its usually possible after a few minutes of foreplay with the right stimulation).

Just a few minutes ????..."usually" .."Possible" "right stimulation" these words scream infomercial. Actual results may vary depending on altitude and attitude. I think you should make the video ...why not...share the gift....get rich.

How do like the forum so far?


Cindie, what if they fell into a well?

[squirtteacher88]

HAHA! Dinged certainly didn't mean to sound like an informercial... just informative

I'm finding the forum kindof abrasive. I posted a long reply to everyone's concerns earlier this morning but it seems to have not made it up here or possibly past the moderator for some reason (?) and I don't really have time right now to type it up again *smacks forhead for not copying before posting*

I thought there'd be more openness and understanding in a place like this but I'm getting the same kind of reception that I do from ultra-conservatives that I've talked to about this who resent the idea of polyamory.

A lot of the criticism is constructive though and I was encouraged to straighten some things out with my wife... I'll tell that story later or if my post ever goes through you can read it then.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Oh, and yeah, women don't need your dick to rescue them.

Originally Posted by dingedheart

Cindie, what if they fell into a well?

That would have to be a pretty dang long dick!