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  #1  
Old 03-21-2012, 06:36 PM
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Default Primaries & secondaries?

I've become addicted to this place! There is so much to learn here, I love it!

Browsing around, I see quite a few mention how it works best when primary & secondary loves get along. Am I going to like all of my husband's secondaries? I have my doubts on that. But, ideally, we could all hang out as friends.

Is this truly a reasonable goal?
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Old 03-21-2012, 06:48 PM
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It isn't automatic to call them secondaries (since many people don't use hierarchies), but anyone your husband has an ongoing relationship with would be called your metamour. And no, it's not a requirement to have a friendship with your metamours, nor even to like them at all, though it's generally understood that it makes things easier, smoother, all the way around to at least have a polite acknowledgement of each other and an ability to be in the same room without hissing.
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Old 03-21-2012, 07:00 PM
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My apologies for the exclusive wording. I use the term for the fact that, at this point, on of our ground rules is a hierarchy. It may change in time. Again, sorry for being, or seeming, exclusionary.

We feel it's important to be able to "be in the same room without hissing." (love the phrasing... perfect. ) But I know I'm not going to be besties with everyone, and don't expect that of him.

Is this as common as it seems? Being friendly with metamours, regardless of hierarchy/gender/etc? Not necessarily friends, but also not just tolerating each other?
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Old 03-21-2012, 07:08 PM
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Hee, when I read "all of my husband's secondaries" I imagine it as if there's gonna be a big gaggle of them. More likely is one or two at a time, if he's trying to actually develop relationships with them, and I think it's very reasonable to hope to be friends with one or two people who are very important in his life.

You can choose how much importance to place on that... maybe it's just something you hope for but it's not a big deal or maybe you'll want to meet his potential gf's before things really get going and ask him to not continue if you just can't stand a given person.

In the end it'll always be a little up to chance, because human relationships are complicated. For instance, you could totally get along with someone at first but then sort of find the friendship cooling off and at that point it wouldn't be fair to ask them to split up because they'd already be invested in each other.

So, yeah, reasonable to hope for or even select for, but there are no guarantees and all you can do is make peace with that.
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Old 03-21-2012, 07:22 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
there are no guarantees and all you can do is make peace with that.
Well put.

We do intent to meet potential metamours before a relationship beyond friendship develops to weed out cowgirls or other destructive influences, at least for now. Things may change, and we've learned to never say never, or always for that matter!

Thank you for the input!
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Old 03-21-2012, 07:45 PM
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why do you think you will be better equipped to spot destructive trouble and cowgirls.?
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Old 03-21-2012, 07:51 PM
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Hey D!

I don't think I necessarily will. I do however feel 2 heads are better than 1. And often an outsider can read a situation a little more objectively than the one in it.

Example: I meet a friend, Hubbs isn't a fan for x, y, z reasons. Hubbs states his case & preference, I make my decision. In the end, Hubbs saw something I was overlooking subconsciously. Same has happened in the reverse direction, too. And it's not really uncommon in our experience together. So it seemed very logical in our particular case.

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Old 03-24-2012, 03:29 PM
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Smile Tough spot

See, I'm in a tough spot on this one. We've NOW established rules (me and the man, 3 years, wearing rings) that we def keep each other in the loop whenever feelings are heading that way, say how we're feeling - not veto but awareness. And that we meet the other person.

Yet on this "first round," I never HAD the chance to review or reflect...because the man went ahead without telling me, said the L word without telling me, and evidently IS all invested in the new man.

Complication #2, new man is very not sure if he is OK with poly or not.

Not sure why new man got into this, that being the case (there were no lies - he met me and knew of the relationship, though when we met it was in a "friends" context)?
-My charitable thought is, "because he really loves the man," couldn't stop himself, whatever
-My not so charitable thought is cowboy-related, or wilful blindness, etc.

So we have a really awkward situation. The man is invested with new man who maybe isn't OK with the whole scenario and meanwhile I'm standing here scratching my head wondering, where do we go from here?

WHAT I WANT TO KNOW: Do you folks generally expect a new partner to be OK with the whole scenario, going in? Is that a firm rule? Not "jumping up and down cheerleading" (or maybe even that!) but clearly OK with multiple partners, etc.? I can't say the new man is being willfully destructive but he's way less comfortable than I want him to be.

Note: Not about me, I know. What I do need, is at least a light friendship with the new man. At this point, I am quite certain that metamours who I have no real relationship with, at all ("mystery men" - or women!) , will not work for me...not quite sure why, need to figure that out. It's not the sex, cause safe casual has always been permitted outside the man and I...it's the love and emotions.

Thanks for reading!
-A
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Old 03-24-2012, 08:28 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Octovus View Post

Not sure why new man got into this, that being the case (there were no lies - he met me and knew of the relationship, though when we met it was in a "friends" context)?
-My charitable thought is, "because he really loves the man," couldn't stop himself, whatever
-My not so charitable thought is cowboy-related, or wilful blindness, etc.

So we have a really awkward situation. The man is invested with new man who maybe isn't OK with the whole scenario and meanwhile I'm standing here scratching my head wondering, where do we go from here?

WHAT I WANT TO KNOW: Do you folks generally expect a new partner to be OK with the whole scenario, going in? Is that a firm rule? Not "jumping up and down cheerleading" (or maybe even that!) but clearly OK with multiple partners, etc.? I can't say the new man is being willfully destructive but he's way less comfortable than I want him to be.
I thought I'd respond to this real quick. I'm the poly in a poly/mono marriage of over 17 years now. The marriage only really started on the poly path about 5 years ago and it's been rocky. Now, I have fallen for people before being able to tell DH, and that's not always gone well. If this is a first foray it's actually pretty understandable. It has taken time to have enough emotional intelligence about myself and how I feel and how I react to be able to slow down and make sure everything is always in the open. It's better now and the man I'm seeing now, DC, has gone much better because of it. However, that's ME knowing myself enough to be aware of my own feelings. Not as easy as it sounds and something I think only comes with practice!

Now, DC is mono as well. There have often been discussions with DH that the reason these other men are not really okay with poly but okay with dating me is because they are then getting what they want. A past relationship went badly because I think he never understood that while mono himself he was IN a poly relationship. So he never bothered to really understand poly.

It wasn't a cowboy thing, just a "Let me compartmentalize this so I don't have to change too much myself" thing. If that makes sense. Since dating DC, I can see where he will hit a 'poly ephiphany' from time to time. He understood it first as a concept. A lifestyle choice that was valid for other people. With no real implications for him. Then slowly certain things sunk in and he would ask questions or we would talk. He has always been open to learning if only because I am poly and it would help him understand me and help with any jealousy issues. DH has even sent him resources and he's checked it out.

Simply put, at first a mono person might think it's okay to date a poly person and that THEY are poly but try and compartmentalize it without learning too much because they themselves don't plan on being poly. So give them time. Just make sure they understand the most important thing is honestly and openness. We stress that above all else and the rest sunk in when they were ready to understand it!
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  #10  
Old 04-15-2012, 02:01 PM
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Hi all,

I am new to the forum and to polyamory, so I read this thread with interest. I am in a relationship with a man who has an existing partner (they are married), and while we endeavour not to use hierarchical language, I am 'secondary' in the sense that the relationship is new (2 months) and that we do not cohabit (he lives with his wife). However, in many other respects (level of intimacy, commitment, our intentions for the relationship, I am more like a co-primary (by his definition).

Anyway, the issue I am having is that I am very much drawn to an nclusive model of polyamory, similar to that described by others in this thread. That is, I would like to be, if not friends, at least 'friendly' with my partner's wife, and ideally I would like to get to know her, as I feel we have much in common and would get along well. I do not have any interest in threatening their relationship, as I very much want him to be happy and I know he wouldn't be if his marriage were negatively affected. However, his wife has decided (for reasons that remain a bit unclear to me) that she wishes to keep the relationships separate. So, despite the fact that we met once (for about half an hour) and seemed to get along well, she is not welcoming towards me in terms of us socialising as a group, or me attending group events. My partner says that he feels her reluctance is due to personal issues of hers, and nothing personal against me (she has a very ill parent and is suffering depression and other health issues), but I find it hard not to take personally. She had initially said that she was fine with him having me over while she was at home studying (she is doing a demanding University course), but as yet this has not occurred, and I am concerned there are other issues.

Ultimately, I don't feel I will be happy long-term in a relationship where I am not welcome at my lover's home, and where I cannot have some sort of 'relationship' with his partner, who is obviously such a huge part of his life. I would have thought that his wife would WANT to know me (as I am important to him) and wondered if anyone can shed light on what they think is going on. Also, advice for how to cope would be helpful.
I really just want all of us to be happy, because I see that as sort of the aim of polyamory, but don't know how to go about achieving that in this situation. It is making the man I am involves with also unhappy because he is caught in the middle, dealing with my feelings of rejection, and his wife's boundaries (which are counter to his desires).

Any thoughts appreciated.
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