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  #1  
Old 02-24-2010, 08:21 PM
BrandyManhattan BrandyManhattan is offline
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Default Room swap?

The wife of the couple I am involved with has voiced her want to move into the room I have been living, and having me move into the master bedroom with the husband. Now I would love to jump at this opportunity, IF I could believe there was a positive reason for the change. But in summary the over all reason I am hearing from her is because she feels she can't focus on herself when the very sight of the husbands dirty laundry on the floor has the ability to ruin her day. Also the sex life between them has been null and void for, well my best guess is going on 6 or more months now. I have had a hard enough time over coming mixed feelings about that, and this request she is making now just does not sit well with me. I have said it before that if roles had been reversed and I had been married to him, I do not know if I would ever be okay adding a second wife. Just because I am okay with being a second wife does not mean I have to be okay with the thought of taking on a second wife if I were ever a first wife. Correct? So, she wants to swap rooms and has made the statement that it will allow her to work on herself. But, HELLO...there is a relationship to maintain! You can't sit on the sidelines and then expect to be put in the game. To me if she is not willing to make the efforts to face and deal with the issues she has then she needs to really figure out if she even wants to be in this marriage any more. If she can't handle the day to day house hold chores and work that comes with supporting a household and relationship than I would rather her not waste any more time and start thinking about moving on past this relationship. It is not only me I take into consideration it is the husband and my children. To me her actions and words have said that he in himself is not worth it to her to make efforts to be a wife. Now don't get me wrong I do not think women are to be "expected" to cook and clean, but in a family there needs to be efforts to sustain and healthy environment and to me that only comes through having pride in your husband and home. Anything she does she either has resent or guilt about. I would like any advice on this situation. Like I said I am more than happy to live in the master bedroom with the husband, but I fear seeing her true intent come through and then having resent for her, I do not like having an unrestful heart or mind and do not want to waste my efforts trying to control my anger over something that I have already seen happen and fear will only continue to happen, her only willing to change external factors, thinking it will "fix" her internally.
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Old 02-24-2010, 08:49 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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So, let me make sure I'm hearing this correctly. You have no problem with changing the sleeping arrangements, but you do have a problem with WHY she wants to change the sleeping arrangements, and do not believe that the wife is being forthcoming about the real reasons that she wants to change them?

How about if you distill the post you just made into a few key points (maybe use an index card) and call a "family meeting" (sans children) to discuss it?

Other people here will have all kinds of other advice, but at the end of the day, that is what you'll have to do: talk about it with the people involved. There is only so much you'll be able to accomplish on an internet forum.
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Old 02-24-2010, 10:02 PM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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I completely agree with, Ygirl. I never agree to anything until I have full knowledge of what it entails (is this a long term swap or temporary) and also everyone's intentions, concerns, and feelings.

As to the why of the wife. There have been times when I am not getting my needs met I struggle maintaining our home. Its immaturity and resentment really. Why keep up for those who don't do the same for me. Maybe she needs time to work on her before she can work on her relationship. There have been times where I need me time to figure out if I am being rational or not and to find the words to express what I need. But Im not her and I don't know what issues they are having in their relationship.

Also, if she just needs a break (we all do sometimes) maybe he can stay in your room for a while so she can have the comfort of her own space.
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Old 02-24-2010, 11:01 PM
dakid dakid is offline
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he drops his dirty laundry on the floor and leaves it for her to pick up?

i would want my own room if someone i shared with did that...
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  #5  
Old 02-25-2010, 02:52 AM
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Seasnail Seasnail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dakid View Post
he drops his dirty laundry on the floor and leaves it for her to pick up?

i would want my own room if someone i shared with did that...
Hellyeah! My HB and I don't have live-in lovers, but I want my own room when he does that...

But I have thought about how we might handle live-in lovers, and to be truthful, I might prefer sleeping arrangements where HB slept in the bed with his lover & I had a separate space most nights anyway. For one, we are on totally opposite schedules, and I'm a poor sleeper with other people in the bed.

But again, you're only going to find out what the real motivation is through discussion at home. Good luck hon, and just remember that it's not unethical if it is what all three of you decide will be best for the time being.
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Old 02-25-2010, 02:21 PM
BrandyManhattan BrandyManhattan is offline
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Default Thank you.

Thank you everyone for the time you took to read and reply to my little blip. I am aware that at the end of the day no matter what advice I get I am left with just me myself and I to figure out how I truly feel about this and all, but sharing is caring so I figured I would just share my thoughts and take whatever thoughts you all had for me as constructive as possible. The husband and I had an argument last night and this topic was brought up during it, a decision was supposed to have been agreed upon by Friday. He is out of town and the wife wanted to talk to her therapist before making a decision, which she will be doing today. I was asked what I wanted to see happen by the husband and I told him I want to see her either work o this relationship or leave and he told me that is just me telling him what I want to see HER do, but what efforts am I willing to make? Which confused me because this issue was not brought up by me and I was trying to be supportive to her by seeking better understanding of all of this. Thank you again on your time and words. Cheers!
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Old 02-26-2010, 06:59 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BrandyManhattan View Post
I was asked what I wanted to see happen by the husband and I told him I want to see her either work o this relationship or leave and he told me that is just me telling him what I want to see HER do, but what efforts am I willing to make? Which confused me because this issue was not brought up by me and I was trying to be supportive to her by seeking better understanding of all of this. Thank you again on your time and words. Cheers!
Not just that it wasn't brought up by you, but it wasn't your issue. If she's having problems with her marriage, they need to be fixed within her marriage, or like you say, she needs to leave that marriage if she doesn't feel it's worth fixing. What effort would I be willing to make? I would be willing to love and support them, listen when they need to talk, and share my feelings when I need to be heard. That's it. What, are you supposed to fix their marriage or something?
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