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  #11  
Old 03-26-2012, 01:00 PM
dragonsbyte dragonsbyte is offline
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No, greenfizzppops, not yet. I think that i should meet her. Meeting her I think would help me to control my jealousy. I know very little about her, except that I suspect she is the controlling force in the relationship.

He came to my house on our last date nite, brought his phone, and she texted him every 30 minutes or so, the whole nite we were together. She was having an encounter, and giving him details! They have an agreement! I was ready to toss that phone out the window! One thing he insists on is that I be present when we are together, that we stay focused on each other! He was much more zoned on her & what she was doing than being present with me! I too have a big resentment against her, yet if i want to stay in this, i have to deal with her. I think the cell phone deal was her way of keeping a leash on him, and keeping him thinking about her when he was with me! The cell phone ringing all nite was for me the thing that finally made me realize that he is not going to give her up, and got me on the forum trying to figure this out.

Maybe i shouldn't meet her yet. She has not yet expressed an interest in meeting me. I would like to find out more from both of them at the same time, where i stand in this relationship. He says she is ok with this, but her actions speak differently, and to me, smack of control.

ok, sorry to rant & rave!
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  #12  
Old 03-26-2012, 04:20 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dragonsbyte View Post
He... brought his phone, and she texted him every 30 minutes or so, the whole nite we were together. She was having an encounter, and giving him details! They have an agreement! I was ready to toss that phone out the window! One thing he insists on is that I be present when we are together, that we stay focused on each other! He was much more zoned on her & what she was doing than being present with me!
Many, if not (perhaps) most, poly people will have an agreement not to text other lovers or spouses while on a date. Or at least keep it to emergencies only. It is only the polite, respectful thing to do. That is a boundary you can establish. You have rights, too, you know. You don't have to tolerate bullshit in the name of polyamory. The more you put up with stupid crap, the more he will think that it's okay with you and will just continue to do what he wants and tell you that's what poly is.

You may want to read posts #5 and #6 in this thread:
Poly rights within a relationship

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...the thing that finally made me realize that he is not going to give her up...
Why would he? He already told you he's in a poly relationship. I suggest you read more about polyamory if you thought it was just a temporary thing.
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Last edited by nycindie; 03-26-2012 at 06:10 PM.
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  #13  
Old 03-26-2012, 05:45 PM
Jericka Jericka is offline
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It is generally considered good manners to not text while on a date or out with someone else. I have made exceptions for news delivered that I wanted to hear, too, though. That I wanted to hear it (and it was shared wit me)made it far less exclusionary.

Phone calls should be for emergencies.

Often my Love and I will be out on the same nights as his wife is on a date. There are no kids or babysitting things to arrange , so both having a date at the same time works very well. Also...both being out on separate dates? That usually reduces the urge to text the other partner. Usually, at least.

When you know that they are out somewhere, I highly reccommend finding something to do that will keep you happy and busy.

"The cell phone ringing all nite was for me the thing that finally made me realize that he is not going to give her up, and got me on the forum trying to figure this out. "
No, he's not going to give her up, AND if he gave her up for you is he really the kind of guy you would want? There is a word for people who try to get the poly person to give up their spouse and become monogamous with them. Please don't be a cowgirl. If you are thinking these thoughts then you really ARE your metamour's fear. She is not being paranoid. So stop it!

You may be right. She may be worried. She may be reacting to you as a threat. In my opinion she might do better not to be texting and phoning this way, but, it sure wouldn't be the first time someone has done it.

My recommendation for you, though, since you are the one here, is to relax. Be reassuring to the guy and his wife that you aren't here to "cut him from the herd" and be busy with your own activities when they are together.

And ask him to not text while on dates with you. It IS considered rude.

Also, since this is a poly situation? Consider finding someone to date when this guy is busy.
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  #14  
Old 03-27-2012, 01:51 AM
dragonsbyte dragonsbyte is offline
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Thank you Jericka & nycindie for your words. I am very new to being in a polyamory relationship. This is my first ever, so i haven't yet figured out all of the "rules?" I was in a "monogamous marriage" for over 17 years, and that didn't work out. Being poly is totally a new concept for me, but i think i am figuring it out. One thing i have learned is that if he and his girl friend were not poly, I would have never met him. I am really learning what it means to be open minded in this relationship, and for me, this has been a true growing experience.

No, I don't want him to give up someone he loves so much for me, or for anyone else. I came to this forum to learn how to deal with my resentments & jealousy, and to learn how others do this and handle their feelings. All of this is still so new to me, so your posts help me to learn. thank you.
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  #15  
Old 04-10-2012, 04:37 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Dragonsbyte and Newtoday, I'm glad to read this post, as I'm in the same situation...a mono secondary...I guess? In fact, Dragonsbyte, as I started reading your post, I double checked to make sure it was something I hadn't written myself, our stories are so similar! I was very recently divorced from a 20+ year marriage, due to cheating, when a long-time friend/co-worker asked me out to a very nice restaurant to talk business where he sprang the rest on me.

I've been seeing him for about 4 months now. In a way, it suits me well, as I was in no hurry to date and didn't want a boyfriend, anyway (way too much on my plate and kids need a parent around right now), and certainly am not looking for a new husband so soon, but I enjoy his company very much. I feel no jealousy toward his wife, but I do have a lot of confusion about the whole situation, what the 'rules' are, seeking some kind of recognizable paradigm to help me make sense of what it is he feels for me and why I'm so important to him.

I struggle with shifting to a mindset of 'dating' knowing it's not going anywhere so to speak. I knew years ago there would be an attraction between us if we were both single, with shared interests and all, but I struggle with knowing that if I let myself 'fall in love,' I will end up wanting what I can't have and getting hurt.

To me, right now, it seems that he'll eventually go his merry way with his wife, while he tells me that it's really the other way, that this is very bittersweet for him because I have a lot going for me and will soon meet someone who will most likely not want another boyfriend in the picture, and then he'll be left with an empty spot. I have no idea which is the truth.

I'd love to hear the input on these thoughts from those who have lived this lifestyle for a long time, as I'm still asking myself every day why I don't just walk away from this.

I'd love to talk more with the two of you (Dragonsbyte and Newtoday) or any others in our situation, whether by public thread of PMs.
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  #16  
Old 04-10-2012, 02:33 PM
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Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post

To me, right now, it seems that he'll eventually go his merry way with his wife, while he tells me that it's really the other way, that this is very bittersweet for him because I have a lot going for me and will soon meet someone who will most likely not want another boyfriend in the picture, and then he'll be left with an empty spot. I have no idea which is the truth.
Hi WH. My story is similar to yours. Married a very long time. I was single for 2 years before I met my bf. After months of chatting online, and me refusing to meet him and get involved in this (what I felt was a messy) situation, I ran into him one night. We had a drink. I was so tired of the dating scene, meeting every form of loser my city had to offer, here was this amazing man and I thought "why the heck not?".

We have been together for almost 2 years. We are deeply in love with each other. But it hasn't been easy. If you read any of my threads you will see, with painstaking detail, my troubles.

What I can tell you is that my biggest lesson learned is that communication is crucial to the success of this, and any other relationship. Be open and honest with him. He will be more understanding than you might think he will be.

My other lesson is to cut yourself some slack and allow yourself to feel what you feel. This is not an easy relationship to be in, you will feel moments of hurt, loneliness, fear, frustration, rejection, resentment, jealousy, envy..... But they will pass. Allow yourself to feel them and move past them. There are lots of threads here that help! Tag search poly/mono, vee, Metamour, and many more. Lots of great info. also check out www.morethantwo.com. Great info there.

Take heart though. As I read many I'd these mono secondary stories, I feel sad. Most all say that they are so happy and grateful to have found this great love and have no regrets but given the choice in future relationships, they would never choose to be a mono secondary again.

Regarding what I quoted above. My bf and I have had this discussion many times. He does feel that one day I will need more than he is willing to offer and he tells me how that will break his heart but he will understand and want only what's best for me. I too struggled wth believing him. Why would it be so hard for him? He has his S/O still at home. He won't be alone. But he insists and now I believe him, when he says that I have a spot that nobody else can fill. It's a nice sentiment but it doesn't change the outcome.

There are pros and cons to this style of relationship. The cons are obvious. The pros for me are good, I have time for myself, to focus on my life, my kids, my career, my family and friends, without feeling as if I am taking away from the needs of a partner. And then I have this amazing love with an amazing man who has stolen my heart. Limited time together isn't so bad, we've been together for almost 2 years and we long for each other, like an extended honeymoon period. It's beautiful.

Hope you find the answers you seek here. Feel free to PM me for a more personal talk.
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  #17  
Old 04-10-2012, 02:46 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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We have been together for almost 2 years. We are deeply in love with each other. But it hasn't been easy. If you read any of my threads you will see, with painstaking detail, my troubles.

....This is not an easy relationship to be in, you will feel moments of hurt, loneliness, fear, frustration, rejection, resentment, jealousy, envy.....

...As I read many I'd these mono secondary stories, I feel sad. Most all say that they are so happy and grateful to have found this great love and have no regrets but given the choice in future relationships, they would never choose to be a mono secondary again.
I'm eyebrow deep in office work and don't have the time to completely answer, but this is exactly my question: why in the world would any sane person, myself included, continue going back for a relationship that is painstaking, troubling, not easy, prone to loneliness, fear, etc.?

I stumble now and again across the quote never be somebody's option (or variations on that), and I think I sort of am his option...ironically even at the same time I think he's much more emotionally invested in this than I am right now (to the point at times I've worried a little bit about him getting hurt). He's still choosing each night between a wife, a girlfriend (which he now regards me as), and going out with poly friends and couples, old and new.

True, I usually will choose to stay with my kids, as I don't want to leave them with memories that I filed for divorce then left them home every night to go out and date...but choosing between being a responsible parent and multiple options of fun, relaxing, adult company of the opposite sex doesn't really seem to me to fall in the same realm.

ETA: We'd see each other a little more if I chose to go out with him and leave the kids home, but the fact remains, he'd also be going out with these other friends, couples, his wife, etc, many of these nights regardless of my choices.

The point being, I'm asking myself is this a total lack of self respect to remain in this relationship?

Last edited by WhatHappened; 04-10-2012 at 02:49 PM.
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  #18  
Old 04-10-2012, 05:13 PM
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I've thought of that quote several times in the past year. "Never make someone a priority when you are an option." It's a natural thought. But the fact is, you are a priority, or you wouldn't be there. If you felt that he never made you a priority, you'd be gone already.

I question my sanity at least once a month. lol!! But then I see him, and all is well with the world. We focus on the here and now, nobody and nothing else. And we are happy. That's what matters.

Self respect. Well..... key word is SELF. Its what you can respect about your own self and the choices you make. To imply having zero self respect for being in this, would imply judgement. The only person that matters is you. YOU make the decisions and live with them. And if you choose to go down this path, it's because it's what will make you happy. And if a point comes that you want out, it will be your self respect that says "This is no longer for me. I choose to move on."

It's all up to you.

I understand about the kids. I spent 2 years dating and it was so hard. I work alot and in the off time, I didn't want to leave them with babysitters so that I could go meet another loser.... This allows me the freedom and time to devote to them at such impressionable ages and let them feel happy and secure and loved. In that way, this works wonderfully !
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  #19  
Old 04-12-2012, 02:17 AM
dragonsbyte dragonsbyte is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
I struggle with shifting to a mindset of 'dating' knowing it's not going anywhere so to speak. I knew years ago there would be an attraction between us if we were both single, with shared interests and all, but I struggle with knowing that if I let myself 'fall in love,' I will end up wanting what I can't have and getting hurt.
Hello WhatHappened.

I am new at this too. I have been in my current relationship now for about 7 weeks. My lover & I have grown quite fond of one another in this short time. I too struggle with "letting myself fall in love." I made a list of the things that I was afraid of regarding this relationship. I then made another list that addressed the things I was afraid of, and I then discussed the list with my love. Making that list helped me to identify the concerns I had regarding this new & unusual relationship. We are very honest with each other, and I think that this helps too.

I have not yet met his other girl friend. I would like to meet her & I have also discussed this with my love as well. As far as a threesome goes, I don't know yet how I feel about that idea. My love has been involved in more than a few, and he has told me about them. I find that i am curious. I am learning to be much more open to new ideas. I look at it like this: my last NORMAL marriage was pretty well messed up, and if that was Normal, well then, i think I would rather be in this new & different relationship instead.

As far as being an option, or second: don't worry about that too much. I was told to enjoy this relationship. I do enjoy it very much, and I have found it to be so much more than sex. We are growing very close to one another and I find that I have to let go of the fear of "falling in love." NewToday offers some very good advice, I would definitely follow it. You will have to choose what is right for you.

I wish you peace & happiness. Email or pm me anytime!
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