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Old 03-19-2012, 04:35 PM
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Hi I'm new here. Posted a short bio in the introductions thread. Synopsis Female Bi / Poly / N00b

Longish mental debate/question session about to commence:

All of our (Husband & I) contacts have currently involved women because there is one taboo/boundary that isn't quite ready to be crossed for husband. That would be men. LSL (husband) is still not comfortable with the idea of me being with other men. He is entertaining it, examining why it bothers him, debating his engrained reactions (for this alone I love him to pieces). The caveat, I want this, I have even entertained finding my own couple to be with in "ideal scenario situations".

I should mention here perhaps that the sex bond w/ LSL is healthy happy & better than it was when we started this exploration. Yah positive open sex talk! It really healed and bonded us in ways we didn't expect.

Perhaps ironically opportunity knocked sooner than expected amidst out talks & debates on the matter. I met a boy, a special boy. Another poly in a similar situation to mine. Our spouses want to entertain their own pursuits, with us periodically included yet can't bear the idea that we might find joy in others sans them.

We have met, stole glances, sipped coffee, laughed & traded trickles of verbal intimacy. Neither of us, unfortunately, feel comfortable discussing this development with our respective spouses. We want them to have their pursuits without the stress of us, whatever it is or will be. We acknowledge that it's deceitful. It's the topic of discussion whenever we meet. Neither of us want to leave them, hurt them or disrupt their current ventures into polyamory as they are experiencing it. We just wish instead of this smoldering thing between us, that it could be out. Yet this would be a two-fold disaster 1 hurting our spouses (feeling betrayed etc.) and 2 possibly making them both backtrack their own pursuits.

So we are poly minded? - yet unfaithful? - cheerleaders to our poly venturing partners but acknowledge that what we are feeling is in the shadows. I've done all the rationalization, it's ethically wrong, truth is the only truth, this will lead to no good. Still, I find myself developing something with a like mind while hoping that LSL will find dating his current crush fulfilling enough that he will perhaps understand me better. Through action comes understanding and all that mumbo.

It will most likely all go to shit because I've broken my personal rule. 15+ yrs and it's never been an issue. Irony, on the precipice of my favorite human in the world's further awakening, I hold some influence to make it less than beautiful. So is the naked truth the true path here? Is a wait, be silent, observe young padawan better or some other unforeseen option?

(note LSL & boys Wife are not involved nor do they really know one another, yet. They are pursing partners dependent of us all.)

Since I wrote this (yesterday), LSL has contacted the girl crush and she has accepted a coffee date after work. I'm excited for him, feel like maybe I shouldn't be this excited for him but it's the first emotion that came up.
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Old 03-19-2012, 04:48 PM
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The naked truth is, in fact, the only path here. You said he's examining his feelings, now's his chance to actually do so in more depth, and to learn that you will be honest with him, which will help do away with one potential source of fear. On the other hand, if he finds out on his own it will make out harder for him to accept this, more easier, and could even permanently damage the trust between you two.

Be honest. Now, while it's still a new, mostly innocent flirtation. Give him the chance to be as open minded as he's trying to be.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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Old 03-19-2012, 04:56 PM
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I know, it's the only way to a happy ending. Regardless of how it actually turns out, even if he backtracks, is furious and full of jealousy. Guess I'm afraid of dealing with those things. Fear shouldn't create a barrier to truth.

He says he trusts me. I suppose it's time to give him a reason to.

Thanks, its important to hear what you know but don't want to hear from yourself.


Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
The naked truth is, in fact, the only path here. You said he's examining his feelings, now's his chance to actually do so in more depth, and to learn that you will be honest with him, which will help do away with one potential source of fear. On the other hand, if he finds out on his own it will make out harder for him to accept this, more easier, and could even permanently damage the trust between you two.

Be honest. Now, while it's still a new, mostly innocent flirtation. Give him the chance to be as open minded as he's trying to be.
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Old 03-19-2012, 05:21 PM
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"more easier" should've read "not easier". Dyac. Seems like the message came through, anyway. Good luck!!
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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Old 03-19-2012, 08:44 PM
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I don't see how Hubs can be furious if you put it into terms like "I've met a new friend, and I find him attractive. You can trust me not to act on it because I respect your need for a boundary around that for now, but I'd appreciate you keeping an open mind. The possibility of me dating men is something we should discuss after you've had your date with Crushy."
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Old 03-20-2012, 01:41 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I don't see how Hubs can be furious if you put it into terms like "I've met a new friend, and I find him attractive. You can trust me not to act on it because I respect your need for a boundary around that for now, but I'd appreciate you keeping an open mind. The possibility of me dating men is something we should discuss after you've had your date with Crushy."
Crushy...

We had the 'talk' it went far better than any of my fears or personal insecurities imagined. While he wasn't thrilled about it all, he understood my hesitation to tell him. We had a long discussion about boundaries, what we are comfortable with now, and where we are having problematic feelings. It was all incredibly reasonable and adult.

His date is on for later this week with 'crushy' <--- I am adopting this name for her, because it's kind of perfect. (thanks) He has agreed that while he has fears about me spending time with another man that they are his fears. We agreed that it's fine for me to continue my friendship and see where it goes. I agreed to respect his feelings, discuss the developments with my new friend and check in with him before making any leaps. (there was a lot of agreeing )

So overall... big success, huge relief. Truth wins.

I text the boy last night and he seemed happy to hear that I'm able to be more open about spending time with him. He's going away for awhile on holiday with wife. So we won't be spending any time together for the immediate future. I'm unsure how this will all go. There's still the issue of his wife, her lack of knowledge and how that will play out. I need to decide how comfortable I am with that. It would be easier if we were all in the loop. It's also not my place to force that decision for him, it's his relationship not mine. Then there's the question will he still be interested now that there isn't a taboo? I suppose if he isn't then it wasn't a good situation anyway.

Last night was a good one. All that honest talk led to some fantastic sex with Hubs. Who knew truth was so damn sexy.
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Old 03-20-2012, 02:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bastet View Post
He has agreed that while he has fears about me spending time with another man that they are his fears. We agreed that it's fine for me to continue my friendship and see where it goes. I agreed to respect his feelings, discuss the developments with my new friend and check in with him before making any leaps. (there was a lot of agreeing )...

Last night was a good one. All that honest talk led to some fantastic sex with Hubs. Who knew truth was so damn sexy.
Honesty for the WIN!
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Old 03-21-2012, 02:21 PM
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Sounds like things went well here, but for the record.... Poly equals consent. That means honesty at all costs as one can not get consent from someone that is left in the dark. Poly also means integrity, open and honest communication and consideration of all involved (empathy). For more info on all of this I suggest doing a tag search for "foundations" and "lessons" as there are some great threads on what makes poly a relationship style that works for any relationship, poly or mono.
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Old 03-21-2012, 06:22 PM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Sounds like things went well here, but for the record.... Poly equals consent. That means honesty at all costs as one can not get consent from someone that is left in the dark. Poly also means integrity, open and honest communication and consideration of all involved (empathy). For more info on all of this I suggest doing a tag search for "foundations" and "lessons" as there are some great threads on what makes poly a relationship style that works for any relationship, poly or mono.
Thank you. I will.

There is still the matter of this guy's wife. Her feeling matter to me. They both see other people but don't talk about it. What is that? A lie? He seemed sad about it when discussing it. They attend the same party we do (or did) so that's where the connection happened. When I met him his wife was um, otherwise engaged. He met my husband. We exchanged numbers. Then I felt so uncomfortable telling my husband once communication really started with this guy. I thought he'd hate me, be so angry etc. then when we did talk it seemed like we were both relieved.

It's difficult to tell tone from texts but it seems like the guy is relieved too. He is headed out of town on holiday with his wife for awhile and so I have time to think. My first goal with him, find out more about why it's not ok for his wife to know about us if it's not a problem for them to have outside relationships. I understand not wanting to hurt her but why would she be hurt if she's also able to make friends outside their relationship? I think I'd have to walk away in the end if he won't at least tell her it's happening. How he does it, what details he discusses, is his responsibility to figure out. If she's completely unaware of me the polyness of it all breaks doesn't it?

The second woman, who my husband asked out, got back to him. She is also going out of town but would love to hang out with us when she gets back. She emphasized the us part. There is potential friendship. She's smart, adorable and we know one another. I'm also kind of happy that she wants to see us both. She is poly and it indicates a person who is open to friendship with us both wherever that may lead. Husband has spoken to her about us so she may want to talk to us together, about where we are at, before seeing just him. I thought that was very cool of her to handle his request that way.

His tomorrow date is a baby steps date. She is going on a coffee date with a guy who, as far as she knows, is a happily monogamous dude. He's known her in a professional capacity for awhile. They used to lunch together but don't see one another during the workday. Her agreement to have coffee is possibly a bid romance or possibly just a desire for friendship. It's a very slow burn there. He's at least telling me that he understands that with her.

There is a lot on our plates right now. Most of it in the future. Tonight we are setting it all aside so I can practice spinning fire with a mutual friend who knows nothing of this part of our lives. It will be a flame and practice. I'm looking forward to it. It's been an intense few weeks. Some time to stretch my brain is needed.

Thanks again for responses. They really help.
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Old 03-21-2012, 06:49 PM
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Very glad to hear that the board has been helpful!

I would look at this as a question of personal boundaries. In the end his relationship with his wife is his relationship but are YOU willing to be involved with a cheater or a sort of cheater? It's important to recognize the huge potential for drama there and how that could impact you. For instance, if his wife finds out and chooses to publicly villainize you (this sort of thing can happen!) how would that affect your life? Best to seek out situations based on honesty and respect. Things can still go wrong, but usually in less explosive ways.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 03-21-2012 at 07:00 PM.
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