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Old 03-25-2012, 08:08 PM
ginj2 ginj2 is offline
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Default How to deal with emotions?

I'm in a FMF V-shaped triad. My boyfriend and his other girlfriend live in the same city whereas I live on the other side of the country and 3 hours behind (grad school). They've known each other for longer, and we only decided to start this long distance relationship once we realized that it was something we really wanted.

Things were fine in the beginning. There was some adjusting going on from my side - I am monogamous, both of them are poly. We're open so I've been hooking up with some people trying to figure out what exactly I'm comfortable with (hooking up - yes, dating - not so much). I visited him two months after I moved away and things were going well. The next stretch of being apart was four months, which took quite a toll on things. I started getting more and more insecure and having unreasonable demands about how much we should communicate. He has always been very patient with me, but I know he is running out of it. We have been having lots of fight and I know it's hurting us and our relationship deeply.

Lately, I've been trying to organize my feelings by writing them down and try to figure out how to approach them. One thing I know is that when we fight it's always me stating a problem and him trying to look for a solution. I should be more proactive on that, and not be so accusatory. Second thing I've realized is that we move on in different ways. It's hard for me to forget and get over certain events, while I forget about fights we've had. He does the opposite - will get over things that have happened, but the fights will be in his mind. I've also identified that there are certain things I need to be open about (I use to have a problem with this, he's really helped me in being more vocal about my feelings), but other things where I just need to vent outů and not to him. This is mainly so I hear myself say some goddamn stupid and realize how ridiculous I'm being.

I know and fear that this could doom our relationship. I hate the fact that I'm hurting him but I've seen myself continue to do so. I want to figure out how to deal with my emotions in a more constructive way. And without hurting my boyfriend. Writing things out have helped. Is there anything else I could do?

I appreciate any suggestions. Thanks!
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Old 03-26-2012, 06:23 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Originally Posted by ginj2 View Post
One thing I know is that when we fight it's always me stating a problem and him trying to look for a solution.
Hey! As you ask for suggestions - How about when you state a problem, you already have a couple of possible solutions in mind that you suggest? That's not only proactive, but it gives him a way to meet your needs without necessarily causing a lot of stress. Of course that requires that you know what your needs are.

If you haven't read many books on poly, I really suggest going through the books and website sticky on the forum, I know there are threads on mono-poly, I am not sure which books really have sections on it, but I always find when I am actively reading/learning about relationships, I am better prepared to deal with my emotions when an issue comes up. I know there is a lot of information out there about LDRs too, that adds so much stress to a relationship, so just keep reading and learning strategies to cope and grow!
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Old 03-26-2012, 10:31 AM
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drtalon drtalon is offline
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Originally Posted by ginj2 View Post
One thing I know is that when we fight it's always me stating a problem and him trying to look for a solution.
As a fellow problem-solver, I know where he's coming from. Is it possible you simply want him to listen and acknowledge your feelings without always trying to do something to "fix" them or the situation? That was a hard thing for me to learn to do. Sometimes I still forget to ask what a person is looking for and need them to let me know when they'd just like my empathy and not my advice.
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Old 03-28-2012, 04:47 PM
ginj2 ginj2 is offline
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Is it possible you simply want him to listen and acknowledge your feelings without always trying to do something to "fix" them or the situation?
I thought I wanted to vent out for a while, but then realized that wasn't really it. I tend to come off as accusatory and let my emotions get the best of me. He'll try to talk to me and I'll get defensive.

I'm actually getting scared of approaching anything for fear that I might start a fight. We've talked about how these fights exactly happen and what "triggers" me (this sounds so crazy). I am trying to set boundaries for myself and have asked his help for it, but I feel like I keep over thinking about everything I'm doing now.

I think if we get to a point where we haven't fought in a month, that would be a good thing. Just train myself to let things go.
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