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Old 10-16-2017, 05:51 AM
MF1992 MF1992 is offline
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It's going to be a pretty long post, so hold on lol

've been with my fiancÚ for 5 years now and we have openly talked about having an open relationship since the 2nd/3rd year in. I suggested it was something I was open to because of the type of relationship we have but went through an array of emotions/conclusions before I arrived at where I am now. Which is where I'll get to eventually..

See my fiancÚ and I met for the first time in middle school (briefly in 6th) but were virtually enemies and eventually decent friends (the 8th) because of a mutual friend we talked to. It wasn't until I was 19-20 that we became good friends because of a falling out with that same person. During that time we became very close (year and a half span) and unexpectedly we ended up falling for each other after I moved in with him. This happened not even 2-3 months after I moved in. When I say it was unexpected, it was, because he's gay and I felt no type of way towards him because of that (expect loving him as a friend) prior to the sudden days that led up to us becoming what we are now. He has had past interest in women but it's mostly been 99% in men. So you can see how everyone around us were shocked and for a while I still didn't understand it.

Anyway, fast forward 3 months and I got pregnant with our first child. He was ecstatic and over the moon because he wanted kids and even though I can't imagine life without my daughter now, didn't and if so not for years. During that time I was depressed because of that and also going through a variety of emotions because this was my first serious relationship as well as child. He also went through a time considering the relationship as well but we mended those bridges. After I had my daughter, things only got worse for me, as I suffered from PPD and it took me a long time to deal with those issues which didn't have to do with the relationship but with past emotional scars.

Fast forward to the middle of last year and we were considering having another child, which became official the Feb of this year. We had also started discussing having a one sided open relationship around this time (with him hinting at threesomes) but I pushed it off as I was pregnant and emotionally didn't feel ready.

For the last month though I had been entertaining the thought of letting him sleep with other people but didn't want to say anything about it until he brought it up a few days ago. After talking about it and laying down rules, I agreed to it.

Now for those that think, gosh this lady is crazy and why would she agree to this when she's about to have a child due (end of this month) and how can she emotionally handle it... Let me explain. These last couple months we haven't been as intimate because of the pregnancy (physically can't have sex) and there's only so much you can do otherwise to get the feeling you crave. I knew this, it didn't bother me not to get some because my sex drive is so low but I knew it was bothering him even though he's been very patient with me about sex etc. I also thought opening the relationship up now would help our current situation by alleviating some of that sexual tension.

Now yesterday was the first time he was going to be with someone but ended up not doing it and instead went to a friends party he previously had agreed to going to. I ended up having a meltdown before he got home, even though I felt okay with it and during that time had quite few revelations as well as deeper understanding of everything. So today when he found someone, I agreed and after he called to talk to me about it. Nothing really feels different, if anything I felt relief but of course still have feelings of jealousy, a little anger but nothing serious.

My point in all of this is how am I supposed to feel and whats normal? I know that sounds like a stupid question but I feel like my emotions are in a cloud, not really sure of which emotion to feel. I'm not sure if it's because it's new or honestly what.

We've agreed to talk about everything, no matter how hard it might be to say (even though I previously I didn't want to know certian things but realized that's impossible for me, like who it is) because in order for it to work, communication and trust are the only things that will keep it from exploding. We naturally have a very strong avenue of communication and trust but one issue I've always had is severe anxiety (which he is very supportive though) and the problem of constantly over thinking a situation even when I have reassurance.

I guess my biggest issue was also not wanting to open this box if I decided I just couldn't do it. He's reassured me that even if I decided I didn't want to do this anymore, he would be fine with it, before and after he went through with it. Right now I'm in a state of that cloud feeling but not wanting to give it up because of that. The agreement was also he can do this until the baby is born and after we will reevaluate it if I had let him continue.

I also have a question about open relationship couples who particle in threesomes as well. I personally find everything I need in him and don't feel that urge he does but want to know if that would be an easier avenue to travel down versus him one on one or something I should consider. Or if that's selfish of me to bring up being he's getting something I can't exactly replicate (well I can but it's not the same) and if it wasn't for that I wouldn't even entertain the idea of him with someone else. He is also the one that suggested that when we first talked about this but I shut that down because I didn't want to be with anyone else physically (made me sick to even think about it, let alone let him do it) but now after all of this, I'm considering it. I feel like I could handle that and he would also have his needs met. I also know my focus would be him, even though another was involved..

Anyway, any and all input is appreciated as I have no one to talk about this.
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Old 10-16-2017, 09:29 AM
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It is normal to have feelings of jealousy and other emotions as you work through such a transition. The important thing is to figure out where those feelings come from and work on that.

I would not look at threesomes as a substitute for an open relationship. They are completely different things. Threesomes can be great fun if you are into it. It should be a "hell yes!" feeling about them or don't do it. It's one thing to know your significant other is off having sex with someone else. It's an entirely different thing to witness it yourself.
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Old 10-16-2017, 09:44 AM
lunabunny lunabunny is online now
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Hi MF

Perhaps I missed it in your post, but I assume this other person your fiancÚ slept with is male - since you say he used to be gay/homoflexible until you two got together -and that the other party/ies he intends to bring in for threesomes would also be male?

I also assume you consider yourself to be straight, as you didn't mention anything to the contrary and say you have no real sexual interest in anyone except your partner.

Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong on either of these points.

While I have my doubts about the timing of your choosing to open up the relationship just prior to having a second baby (your emotions are bound to be out of whack for a while, especially if you've previously suffered from PPD), it is your life, you have considered the angles and have some sensible agreements in place, and it sounds as if your fiancÚ is generally very understanding.

While it's noble that you want to allow your partner to have something he can't get from you (at this time because of the pregnancy and/or because you're not male), I am concerned that you may be putting HIS needs and happiness above your own at a very vulnerable time.

Consider very carefully whether or not you feel pressured by him to go down this road (even if subtly), and whether or not him sleeping with others is something you are really on board with and aren't just giving in out of fear that he will one day abandon you for someone else.

Moreover, if you have a low sex drive, little to no interest in sleeping with others and a new child who will need you 24/7 very soon, think even more carefully about whether or not you really wish to engage in group sex with your partner and another person before you take that step. Your "third" is a person also, with their own feelings and desires. Neither of you should feel like a prop used to satisfy your partner, nor should another person be used simply to alleviate potential feelings of jealousy. Make sure YOU are into it.
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Old 10-16-2017, 11:02 AM
anamikanon anamikanon is offline
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You have one child, are due to add a baby. In one month, you are going to have your hands full and sleep deprivation and he is going to have to juggle sharing responsibility for a newborn and NRE with whatever new relationship/s he forms. Additionally, you've had trouble with PPD before.

Have these things been adequately discussed before and agreements made that would not see you trying to juggle two kids, exhaustion and PPD while he's lost in a new relationship? How involved a parent is he? Can be be trusted to not lose sight of responsibilities at home while in the excitement of a new relationship he really wants?

Sorry if this is blunt. I feel concerned that at a time when most people would need commited partners very close, you are adding a serious interest outside the home. And frankly, with a newborn, fuck the love, sometimes you need a diaper changer so you can get a few hours between feedings. A person who cares enough to be IDLE while you nap. So that if baby wakes, you don't have to.
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Old 10-16-2017, 02:25 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Let me try to sum up what I understand in my own words so I know I got it the way you mean it ok? You correct me if I get it wrong. I quote just to visually block it off.

Quote:
MAIN PROBLEM

You have always had severe anxiety and the problem of overthinking even when you have reassurance.

This is your first relationship. You've known him since being kids, but didn't start dating til you became roomies as adults. You got pregnant a few months into living together. It was a rough pregnancy with PPD, depression and other things. You guys almost broke up but mended bridges.

Now you are pregnant with your second child and due at the end of the month. You also have the first young daughter to care for.

You have agreed that your partner can seek outside sex during the pregnancy because you thought it could help relieve current sexualy tension. Pregnancy is causing your sex drive to be low and you think this bothers him even though he doesn't say anything. (He's using condoms right? Because this is enough babies already... No more oopsies, right? And you use condoms with him right? Because you don't need health concerns on top of all this like STD screenings during a pregnancy?)

At the end of pregnancy you both will reevluate and decide if this will continue or end.

Your biggest issue is if you decided to stop participating in Open relationship after the pregnancy... would you regret having opened the box and gone there? He says he ok stopping before, during, after.

Your other issue is not knowing how to feel now that he found someone else to share sex with at some party. You feel relief, some upset, some jealousy, largely like "my emotions are in a cloud, not really sure of which emotion to feel."

SIDE PROBLEM


You do not want threesomes. He does.

You want to know if it will be easier to deal with Open if you do threesomes with him like you are "part of things" rather than just dealing with Open marriage where he is dating/sharing sex with other people outside the marriage and you are not part of things. It is only on his side.

Is this more or less it? If so? Right off the bat I would get rid of the side problem by saying NO to threesomes. Reduce your stress load. Your heart isn't threesomes. So don't go there. It is also NOT your job to fulfill his every fantasy. Don't complicate your own life.

I mean all this kindly, ok? I am concerned that because this is your first serious relationship that maybe you think you are supposed to do everything he asks to keep him around or "make" him happy. There is contributing to your partner's well being. And then there is compromising your own self and your own values. In other words... doing stuff you really don't want to be doing and ignoring the things you want/value in an attempt to keep the other one "happy." Their happiness doesn't have to come by you hurting your own self.

Are you able to say "No. I love you a lot. But not even for you will i do things that hurt me?" I ask because this is your first serious relationship and I think this is an important skill to have. I could be wrong but I get the vibe that you float along in this relationship doing whatever he wants, or doing stuff YOU think he wants so he will appreciate you.

The main problem? I think you misidentify it. I do not think your main problem is you having regrets about having "opened the box" if you decide to stop with the Open relationship stuff after pregnancy. You can always stop things. Your willingness to do things or not belongs to YOU. Experiencing regrets -- that's a risk you are willing to take when you go there. With anything -- not just open relationship. It could be riding horses, changing jobs, etc. People are willing to pay the "price of admission" when they take on new experiences. The new experiences may be something they enjoy and found worthwhile. Or not so much and they regret it and then move on to the next choice. If they are NOT willing to pay the price? They don't do the thing. Which they might also regret doing. But they still move on the next choice.

Which leads back to what I think the main problems are.

Your anxiety and not BELIEVING him when he says something. You do not seem to think about how to reduce/manage your stress. You also do not seem to believe him at his word. Unless past experience with him tells you that his word is not to be trusted? You could reduce a lot of your anxiety by BELIEVING him when he says he is ok with things.

If you are in the habit of saying you are ok when you really are not? And you think other people do that too then I could see where you are hesitant to believe him when he says he is ok. But he is not you.

If you view things from the lens of "anxiety management" -- I think you could cut a lot of these problems off your plate.

He says he's ok? You BELIEVE him.

Threesomes? Is your heart in that? No. Don't do it then. Done. (Being decisiveness cuts through stress/anxiety. Going around in circles about things augments stress/anxiety.)

You are currently experiencing some stress with this Open on his Side thing. You are feeling mutliple feelings, and like some of them are “in the cloud.” To me that sounds like GOING NUMB. Deep anxiety can cause that. So if you notice yourself going emotionally numb, whatever it is you are doing might be causing you deep stress. Just that the body in order to protect itself from deep stress/shock filters some it out initially. So it feels like "from far away" or "in the cloud" rather than in sharp focus.

I would pull the plug NOW on the Open thing. He says he is ok stopping whenever. BELIEVE HIM then. Be decisive. Tell him you don't want to do Open any more and prefer to focus on your impending due date and your other kid. There. Done.

Ultimately if he stills wants Open and you don't? Have the conversations you need to have about breaking up. Then he can be free TO do whatever and you are free FROM whatever. Hopefully it doesn't go there, but if it does you deal with it decisively. You do not go around in circles with it an unnecessarily extend your time in the anxiety zone.

I think you could manage you stress/anxiety better than you have been so far. You will now have two dependents and you cannot go around depleted from other things. Some things in life cannot be helped but some things CAN.

So in your shoes? I would choose to stop. No threesomes, no side sex. There is ALREADY big life changes with having more kids... no need to pile other big changes like Open on top of it. This is not like unexpected car accident you could not help. This is stuff you CAN pick out or just not pick out. So don't pick them at this time.

Quote:
Now for those that think, gosh this lady is crazy and why would she agree to this when she's about to have a child due (end of this month) and how can she emotionally handle it...
You seem to recognize that piling on too many changes at once is overload.

Next time when you recognize it, you could OBEY your personal limitations and NOT go ahead and pile the things on. Having personal limitations and recognizing them is a GOOD thing. It keeps you from overloading your own self and stressing your own self out by spreading yourself too thin.

You could also view choices that come up as "Does this ADD to my stress/anxiety? Or TAKE AWAY from my stress/anxiety?"

I think impending birth is NOT the time for piling on extra stuff. Especially if you had PPD before and might be at risk for that again. I think you could put more of your energies on your own self care at this time.

It's ok to do that. It is ok to take up the space you do in the world.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-16-2017 at 02:51 PM.
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Old 10-17-2017, 01:04 AM
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Hi MF1992,

There isn't necessarily a "normal" way to feel in the situation you are in. You just feel what you feel, and that is okay. We don't choose our feelings, we only choose our course of action.

Regarding your question about threesomes, I want to say that threesomes are very complex and there's a lot that can go wrong. It seems like you have a lot on your plate so I am inclined to advise against a threesome, but you do have to decide what you think would be the easiest on you emotionally.

Although I take your point about sexual tension during your last month of pregnancy, I am concerned about trying to do an open relationship and having a newborn at the same time. If nothing else, I would suggest putting a moratorium on the open arrangement for at least the first year of the new child's life. You already know how difficult/demanding a newborn can be, so you can appreciate me saying that you will need your fiancÚ's full attention during the early months. Conducting an open relationship will probably be a huge drain on his attention. You don't need that. It will probably be a huge drain on your attention as well. You definitely don't need that. So, if you really need the open relationship right now, go ahead and have it until the new child is born, but put a moratorium on it after that.

I could be wrong in the advice I am giving, of course. Use your own good judgment on whether to follow my advice. It seems to me that you are doing the best you can, and I just want things to work out for you. Keep us posted here if you're willing; your updated posts will help us to give you new/updated advice and information.

Respects and regards,
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Old 10-17-2017, 01:52 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Welcome, MF. I edited your OP a little for clarity.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MF1992 View Post
I've been with my fiancÚ for 5 years now, and we have openly talked about having an open relationship since the 2nd/3rd year in.

Unexpectedly we ended up falling for each other 2-3 months after I moved in with him.

...he's gay... prior to the sudden days that led up to us becoming what we are now. He has had past interest in women, but it's mostly been 99% in men.

After 3 months I got pregnant with our first child. He was ecstatic, because he wanted kids. But I didn't [want kids then and] not for years [to come].
I was depressed because of that, and I was going through a variety of emotions because this was my first serious relationship, and first [unplanned] child! He also reconsidered the relationship.
I am curious as how he became reconciled to being monogamous with a woman after identifying as gay all his life... it seems his desire for men has now resurfaced and he is changing things up.

Quote:
After I had my daughter, I suffered from PPD. It took me a long time to deal with those issues. I dealt with past emotional scars).
So, your husband opened up sexually to a woman after being almost entirely gay up to that point. A red flag for down the road was there, seeing as he might get a craving for male companionship after NRE faded. But perhaps having a kid consumed his attention for a while, the NRE for you, as well as for her, and for new fatherhood itself, which was a lifelong dream of his.

Did you work through your issues thoroughly with your PPD after the first pregnancy? Or do you fear going down that rabbit hole again? I wonder: are you in touch with the therapist you saw the first time so you'll have immediate support at the first sign of PPD this time around?

Quote:
In February of this year [I got pregnant].
Your first child is 5, needy, still very young. And now a newborn is coming in just a few days.

Quote:
We started discussing having a one-sided open relationship around this time [open on his side], but I pushed it off...

[Recently], I had been entertaining the thought of letting him sleep with other people, but didn't want to say anything about it until he brought it up a few days ago. After talking about it and [mutually] laying down rules, I agreed to it.
You sound ambivalent, since you were loathe to bring the subject up on your own.

So your sex life with hubby has been non-existent for a while? Or is just intercourse forbidden because of certain pregnancy related health issues? You two CAN do outercourse (as you hint at below)? Since the birth is "at the end of the month," and it's now October 17th, that is only 2 weeks away. Is he suddenly so desperate for MM sex he needs to go grab some right now when you and your daughter need his care?

Quote:
Now for those that think, how can she emotionally handle it? ...Let me explain.

These last couple months we haven't been as intimate because of the pregnancy. I physically can't have [intercourse], and there's only so much you can do otherwise to get the feeling you crave.
Feeling who craves? You're not craving sex. Pregnancy has killed your sex drive. This is very common. Your sex drive will also be lower (probably) in the months to come because of sleep deprivation and possible PPD. So, you mean Fiance's desires.

Do you really want Fiance off having fun sexy times and possible love with another man, while you are struggling to nurture a new life? Supposedly he was ecstatic to be a father. So, let him stay home and be one!

Think of yourself and your children. This time should be all about that. It's just way too complicated of a time to introduce polyamory and a new untried partner. Most poly people take a break from adding new partners when there's a new baby.

Quote:
It didn't bother me not to get some, but I knew it was bothering him (even though he's been very patient with me about sex, etc.).
If he is being patient about your sex lives being a bit on hold, and OK with outercourse... why go there? It may more thoroughly relieve his sexual desire, and your guilt around his supposed unmet needs, but as you see, it CREATES other kinds of tension, in your mind and soul, just when you need serenity for a healthy birth and postpartum period! I think you aren't taking care of yourself.

Quote:
Yesterday was the first time he was going to be with someone. But he ended up not doing it...

I ended up having a meltdown before he got home... During that time I had quite few revelations.

So, today when he found someone, I agreed... I feel relief, but I still have feelings of jealousy, anger, nothing serious.
Yesterday you thought he was on a date with a new person, and you had a meltdown of jealousy and anger. There is the "tension" I referred to above. Today you feel somewhat calmer, but still jealous and angry. And you also have a conflicting feeling of "relief" that Fiance can now have sex, and get you off the hook for for it, for the next 2 weeks.

Quote:
My point in all of this is how am I supposed to feel? I feel like my emotions are in a cloud.

We've agreed to talk about everything, no matter how hard it might be to say. ...Previously I didn't want to know certain things. But I realized that's impossible for me. [I need to know] who [New Partner] is... We naturally have a very strong avenue of communication and trust, but I've always had is severe anxiety (he is very supportive of me around this though). I also constantly over-think things.

I don't want to open this box if I just can't do it, He's reassured me that even if I decided I didn't want to do this anymore, he would be fine, before and after he went through with it. He can do this until the baby is born, and after [the birth] we will reevaluate it, [to see if I want to] let him continue.
Here are the facts: baby is due in 2 weeks. If Fiance starts up something with New Guy, he gets his rocks off for 2 weeks. How often can he be comfortably be excused from family life, that is, caring for huge you, caring for your 5 year old, to get get laid? Twice a week? More often, or less? Is it really worth it, if you decide to veto when baby comes? Ask him if he thinks it's worth it to him to go through new relationship motions, only to possibly have you veto in 2 weeks. How would New Guy feel about being vetoed?

Quote:
Threesomes: I find everything I need in him. But I want to know if that would be an easier avenue to travel down, versus him having a one-on-one [relationship]?
Threesomes are very uncommon in polyamory, despite what media would have you believe. And in your case, it's ridiculous! You'll have a newborn. You're not to have intercourse for 6 weeks afterwards. And is New Guy bi? Or is he gay and not to be touched by you, or touch you? How do you know you'd even be attracted to him?

Usually each member of an established couple is looking for something different in another significant other (OSO). Newbies often think a threesome will allow them to "do this together," and that it will prevent jealousy. Actually it almost always increases it.

Quote:
He is the one that suggested this, but I shut that down because I didn't want to be with anyone else physically (it made me sick to even think about it), but now I'm considering it. I feel like I could handle it, and he would also have his needs met... My focus would be on him, even though another was involved.
"Handling it" is different than enjoying it. You need to be fully and happily consenting in polyamory. You've got a ton of reasons to not even consent to Fiance having a one-on-one hookup right now, much less you yourself interacting with some hypothetical other guy!

Both of your focuses needs to be on your health (physical and mental), and the baby's health. You both need to focus on caring for your newborn, and older child. You and hubby will both have NRE for your new kiddo! Can't sex take a back seat a bit longer?
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  #8  
Old 10-17-2017, 02:44 PM
anamikanon anamikanon is offline
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MF1992, in your place I really would not do this. ALL the posts on the thread have the same concern. And this is a poly friendly place. No one is going to advise against unless it is actually a bad idea.

This sounds like a particularly vulnerable time to introduce this sort of a change. Baby in 2 weeks is rarely a guarantee. If you're in your 9th month, it can literally be any time baby takes a whim. 2 weeks is an estimate, not appointment. You need someone with YOU. You need someone taking care of the 5 year old right now so you can take it easy. You will need someone helping with the newborn really soon. YOU will be needing care without worrying about your partner either being missing or sacrificing time with a partner he'd rather be with in order to support you. Your 5 year old will need reassurance and emotional support dealing with a sibling. This is not a good time for the father to be absent from home. This is such a known fact that many offices give paternity leaves to men whose partners deliver babies. So that they can spend this time being a father and husband and being PRESENT where they are needed.

The high needs of the coming months are not a permanent feature of life. Why do it at the hardest time if you waited for five years? Is it that you fear that your partner wants it anyway - with or without your agreement and you don't want to lose him when you are vulnerable?
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Old 01-13-2018, 10:06 AM
MadelinePender MadelinePender is offline
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Hi there, I think you need to give some time to understand the things and because misunderstanding can break the relationship and you have to suffer. You are in a condition where you need to take the help of professional psychic reader who can help you out from this situation.

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