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  #21  
Old 03-04-2010, 05:11 AM
saudade saudade is offline
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Nothing happened to me that constitutes abuse by common U.S. definitions, save attending public school (the usual litany of emotional abuse, I suspect many of us suffered it). I didn't come out of it totally sane, but I suspect there's a genetic component to my state.

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Also dealing with multiple personalities is a very similar concept to dealing with polyamory.
@Quath, can you clarify that?
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  #22  
Old 03-04-2010, 05:55 AM
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Originally Posted by Quath View Post
Also dealing with multiple personalities is a very similar concept to dealing with polyamory.
Are you being serious or incredibly witty? I want to know if I should feel bad for bursting out laughing.
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  #23  
Old 03-04-2010, 06:05 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Quath View Post
Also dealing with multiple personalities is a very similar concept to dealing with polyamory.
Woah, what? One is a mental illness, the other is an alternative lifestyle choice. Could you elaborate on how one is like the other?
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  #24  
Old 03-04-2010, 02:03 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Quath View Post
Two women I have been with that were into polyamory also were abused growing up to the point where they developed disassociative identity disorder. I think their abuse led them to think about boundaries and social conventions differently. Also dealing with multiple personalities is a very similar concept to dealing with polyamory.
Do you think so,
im curious about this i often wonder if i did not have DID if i would think about things like this the same way. In a sense i am already able to comunicate and share the men i am in love with the other parts and so maybe it makes it easier to imagine i can share with people outside of myself

now i prob sound crazy

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  #25  
Old 03-04-2010, 07:56 PM
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Redsirenn, do you have a link to this article? A large part of the problem I am seeing in this discussion is that we are discussing OUR ideas of abuse but there is not mention of what the AUTHOR defines as abuse. Is she talking about specific kinds or degrees of abuse lead one to poly or abuse in general?

Personally I know there are three different types; Physical, Sexual, and Emotional. Of course these can be seen in varying degrees by different people, cultures, religions, and even generations. There really are many different ways of defining abuse.

Again, personally, I have never been what would be considered physically abused. The single time I recall being spanked was when my dad said that if I didn't do something he would spank me. I of course replied "I'm too old to be spanked." I'm sure you can see where that one led to. I know I have been emotionally abused, whether intentionally or not, but I think that most people can say that, whether it was indirect; guilt trips by the parents to get you to do things; or direct; telling you that you are no good or ugly. As for sexual abuse, that depends on how you look at it honestly. Some people would consider my first time as date rape and others would not. I'm still not sure how I would define it other than I was giving him mixed messages as to what I wanted, basically saying both yes and no, and he went with yes.

But I would be interested to see how the author does define abuse and what kinds she feels contribute to the poly lifestyle.
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  #26  
Old 03-04-2010, 08:04 PM
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Vandalin -
No - I don't have any more clarity for how she defined abuse. Wish I did.

RS
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  #27  
Old 03-07-2010, 07:03 AM
LScribbens LScribbens is offline
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I'd like to see the actual numbers and where she got them from and how she analyzed them, however I can say personally that I was never subjected to emotional or physical abuse and being monogamous has never been in my nature and I've never thought that I can only love one person at one time.

My wife however was emotionally and physically abused by her mother and really discovered her polyamorous nature a few years ago, though we've have a sexually open relationship for about 6 years. Guilt from being polyamorous still creeps-in though, being she was raised in a very strict Baptist home and there was one way and one way only to live.

So in our case, 50% of poly people were victims of abuse.
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  #28  
Old 03-08-2010, 01:07 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post


3> There are people who WERE abused but never realized it - no impact until someone put a light on it.


GS
They didn't realize the impact, or they didn't recognize the abuse? Even if they didn't recognize the abuse, there was most certainly some kind of impact.. when someone puts a light on it, you say "oh, gawd, is THAT why I feel that way/do that/ avoid that" etc..

But it's there, realized or not.

Fifteen years of not recognizing the abuse for what it was later, I understand what it did to me now.
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  #29  
Old 03-08-2010, 03:22 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Originally Posted by Thunderlizard View Post
They didn't realize the impact, or they didn't recognize the abuse? Even if they didn't recognize the abuse, there was most certainly some kind of impact.. when someone puts a light on it, you say "oh, gawd, is THAT why I feel that way/do that/ avoid that" etc..

But it's there, realized or not.

Fifteen years of not recognizing the abuse for what it was later, I understand what it did to me now.
I agree and I've seen instances of this too. Sorry to hear if you were one of them.

The thing I'm most afraid of today though is the 'victim' role. I think the vast majority of people have found themselves in what we'd term abusive situations at some point in our lives. Hell, Saudade mentioned probably the most common one - public school ! I know more people who have scars and baggage because of that experience alone than family/culture wounds.

But what's changed in the last 20 years or so is this whole victim culture. It's a live feed to even a lot of social/psychological workers raking in millions and in many cases having little real impact. Why ? Because in many cases they have their own issues (discovered via education) that they tend to transfer to their patients.

Long ramble which doesn't really fit here so I'll stop now.

Sufficient to say that in years past most people were able to keep that in proper context - i.e. as PAST experience-and move forward with their life in a more positive manner. And I've spoken with more than a few people who view the situation the same. Those were the people I was referring to when I mentioned some had no concept of abuse until someone pointed out to them they might have been a 'victim'. Their take ? "Oh - hell ya - that happened to me ages ago. I've left that far behind."
And so they have.

I realize that's not possible in all cases and I realize not all personalities seem to be constructed in a manner to support that. But I'm only afraid that "trying" - i.e. to just leave it in the past and move on - is being totally lost as even an option ! Part of building strength for facing life's challenges comes from dealing with existing ones head on. Not from crying foul and swallowing 12 pills a day.

GS
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  #30  
Old 03-09-2010, 03:00 PM
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I do agree.. part of recovering is seeing the issue, dealing with it, and making it become a NON issue. Some have an easier time, some have a harder time, but success can come to anyone who truly strives for it.

It took a long time for me to recognize what was happening, but I'm happy to say that once I saw it for what it was, it took very little time for me to eliminate those people and situations from my life.

Replacing all that with constructive, positive relationships and people has been a revelation, in a lot of fantastic ways.
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