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  #11  
Old 03-21-2012, 01:39 AM
Bach Bach is offline
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SNeacail,
Thank you for articulating so eloquently what my wife has been unable to express. I appreciate the insight. The fact that there will be another year together is the important one, with many to follow.

I can understand the feeling of betrayal no matter how many ways I try to justify my actions. That you can be open is wonderful and I hope he comes to trust that in your relationship.

The relief I felt when I finally came to accept that I am not alone in my feelings was wonderful and despite the pain I've caused I can't help in part being relieved. I've always tried to be stoic in my needs and emotions and put everyone's before my own so it was difficult to express my feelings. Your statement of what we are taught we should feel has been my mantra for many years and the feeling of selfishness won't dwindle for a very long time though.

I'm now reading the book thanks to you and Dingedheart, and I am very interested in the premise. I look forward to finding out how better to express my love to my wife.

So you have come full circle, at least in part? That must be wonderful for both of you if it works out. That your marriage is stronger now than ever before brings me hope for our future as well.

Thank you so much.
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  #12  
Old 03-27-2012, 08:56 PM
Bach Bach is offline
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I wanted to post a followup. We are still dealing with emotionally raw issues, reading and working on Love Languages. I'm also reading Polyamory in the 21st Century to better understand her reaction and feelings from the case studies.

There are a lot of issues from her past that she's shielded me from but have been dredged up - feelings of inadequacy, fear of loss, instability, and trust (I know these are probably typical to a degree, but there was abuse early in her life that caused severe trauma).

At this point we are working on her fears and issues and building our relationship. I really want to get back that feeling of intimacy, dating that we had and show her how much I love her. Neither of us is ready for a major change, but she is open to me having a romantic friendship and seeing where that would lead as long as she is shielded from it.

This is far from what I expected when I brought it up a week ago. I am hopeful that we can survive this together and our marriage will be stronger for it. And perhaps we can eventually find a mid ground to make both of us happy.

Thank you for the advice and wisdom.

Last edited by Bach; 03-27-2012 at 08:58 PM. Reason: Edited to clarify - I'm not asking her to read more on this subject and won't for a long time. Too much to heal first.
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  #13  
Old 03-27-2012, 09:06 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Glad to hear things are moving forward. Keep at it you'll be glad you did and your marriage will be stronger for it.
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  #14  
Old 03-31-2012, 04:30 PM
Bach Bach is offline
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Thank you Sneacail.

It's been a busy few days. Things are changing every day. She has come back with the need for rules to define us, being that she always comes first. I've assured her of that but she doesn't think it's possible given what she has read on the fluidity of relationships from the poly links I originally sent her.

Now she has an ultimatum - she can live with emotional intimacy, but not physical intimacy. If I cannot promise her that I will never in my lifetime become physically intimate with anyone else then she wants to remove that from our relationship for the rest of our lives. It can't be discussed later. It can't be changed later. This is it. She would stay with me and love me but never be mine again.

I can't ask anyone to love me without any potential for intimacy. I can't let myself feel romantically and emotionally for another without expressing myself physically. But I can't stand the thought of losing her either. I have never been intimate with another person since we've been together, almost 19 years now, but I have been close several times and stopped myself.

That is part of what brought my need for disclosure in the first place. I have no desire for that now, but I can't guarantee, promise that it won't be there. And if I lie to her she will never recover so I can't promise.
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  #15  
Old 03-31-2012, 05:31 PM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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So, how about you say something like, "I can't promise I will never want that with someone. I CAN tell you that in 19 years I have never been physically intimate with anyone but you, dear wife." and you can promise that you won't unless you tell her.

Because it could happen that someday you will be able to stand the thought of losing her.

Perhaps NOW is not the time for promising things that can't be promised. Maybe you can ask her to be yours for a year, while you both let raw emotions process and settle and gain more information. And that you won't even look for a romantic friendship for a year, until you've both had time to deal with living with this brand new knowledge.

Just a thought. You've known who you are, and struggled with it, for years. She just found out. A week or so ago.
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  #16  
Old 03-31-2012, 10:02 PM
Bach Bach is offline
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Thanks NovemberRain. I thought the same, and have tried the same. I don't think now is the time to discuss it. I offered to broach it in 3 months, 1 year, 3 years but she is adamant that this be finalized now. I've offered to wait as well, or drop the matter entirely but the cat is out of the bag for her now.

You're signature says it all.
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  #17  
Old 03-31-2012, 11:17 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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You can tell her that you refuse to consider ultimatums (like a government will say "we won't bargain with terrorists"), because ultimatums have no place in a loving relationship. You can offer to discuss any aspect of the subject that she wants, to analyze any fears she may have, or negotiate, and even see a counselor with her - but you have too much respect for the relationship and your own self-esteem to stand for ultimatums. Ultimatums smack of dictatorship. It is one thing for a person to state what they will or will not accept, or to make a request, and then each of you makes a choice or responds to those requests or statements, but no one should be issuing ultimatums nor expected to comply with ultimatums.
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Last edited by nycindie; 03-31-2012 at 11:19 PM.
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