Letting go

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by saudade

Then again, I'm just as hard-wired to be poly as Mono is to be mono, so it's not "in my genes" to worry about this sort of thing.

How about everyone else?

LMAO!! Nicely put my friend

[redsirenn]

So - He's there... I am here. Feel like I am on a roller coaster ride.

Going out soon with my buddies, then dinner with his buddies. He's been attentive. I've been nervous.

Still - getting work done, and moving through the day.

You know how it feels right before you lift your foot off of that cliff.

That is how I feel.

[saudade]

@Redsirenn, best wishes! Let us know how the rest goes.

Thinking of you,
~S

[redsirenn]

Well, I survived the weekend.

He did make out with a girl while away... I don't feel so weird about the specific makeout session - still more on what will happen next. So, I learned that my fears are really fears of the unknown more than anything. I find I worry alot, and I cannot find rational backing to the worry, but I still get anxious.

I talked to him about it. Mentioned that I feel is is rooted in wanting this to be something special, that the way I was so used to romantic relationships being special was with sexual exclusivity. The thing is that I have had PLENTY of exclusive relationships that were NOT special. The sex had little to no role in that.

Special is feeling like I am cared for, feeling like there is something about me that sets me apart from all the other girls he would be with. I know there is... I am awesome. It is just hard to not get overwhelmed by all those negative thoughts.

Anyhow - we have been dating for a little over a year, and when he came back he said he loved me for the first time. It kind've scared me, because I really feel he means it and with that comes responsibility. At the same time, I do feel special for him putting his heart out there, for taking risks with me, and for feeling that he can be himself.

It makes me think that part of this letting go thing is having trust enough to not worry so much. The tree analogy I have is the feeling of standing on a tree branch high above the water, wanting to jump, but feeling frozen thinking about all that can go wrong. Friends below cheering you on because they know how awesome you will feel when you finally jump.

I am realizing I am missing an important part of that here - Ouroboros is at the bottom, in the water, if I need him to help me.

So, The lows suck, for sure.
The highs are pretty high.

[Lemondrop]

Originally Posted by redsirenn

...I talked to him about it. Mentioned that I feel is is rooted in wanting this to be something special, that the way I was so used to romantic relationships being special was with sexual exclusivity. The thing is that I have had PLENTY of exclusive relationships that were NOT special. The sex had little to no role in that.

Special is feeling like I am cared for, feeling like there is something about me that sets me apart from all the other girls he would be with. I know there is... I am awesome. It is just hard to not get overwhelmed by all those negative thoughts. ...

This is exactly what I have been trying to come to terms with. So far, about the only answer I can find is that, with time I eventually see that he does see me as special. I can think I am awesome, but that doesn't mean that he will value me the way I feel I should be valued, you know? That opens me up to being hurt. But over time I'm getting to see that he does value me, and also examining my feelings for him and realizing that I think he's special even without sexual exclusivity--if I can feel that way, so can he, right?

Anyway, thanks for sharing--I've been struggling with this issue for some time, and it's nice to see how someone else is dealing with it.

[redsirenn]

Yes, I do know.

I think that time might be the only way for this to resolve itself. Time, and learning to trust - which comes with time.

I cannot, well, I kind've refuse to try to convince myself that he sees me as special in the way I feel I should be too. I think that might be selling myself short.

I freak out, for sure.... obsess, and try to confront these uncomfortable feelings of insecurity and fear. What it comes down to is this: What I have to gain vs what I have to lose.

Right now I have someone who WANTS to confront these feelings in each other because he truly believes that it will make us stronger people. I have come to 2 realizations... 1) I don't think monogamy or non monogamy is something I am very passionate about... I could really go either way. So, this is not something that has a deep desire in me to explore. It also says to me that I don't have some deep rooted moral opposition and that there are other things I value more in romantic relationships.

2) What I do want is to learn to let go... I want to NOT carry around these insecurities with me forever. I am really tired of avoiding, or bottling up my emotions. Right now, I have someone to hold my hand, to talk to about my deepest fears, and to help me walk through them. The poly thing is really just one way that I could do this, as there are probably many others.

So, I can make a choice.... so far, even though I feel scared, I am choosing this way.

We will just see, I suppose.