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  #11  
Old 02-28-2010, 03:27 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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I have noticed that sometimes people get together with people that don't have the same values and nature as they do sexually and struggle from day one with that. This is why I thought it might be a good discussion. Especially when one person is more of the deep, loving bonding type and their partner the weeee... lets fuck anyone type. It seems to me that the one with the emotional connection to sex suffers every time in this. Whereas the one who wants to play around with everyone somehow has to come out on top, because they are the ones that are suppose to be suffering more. Why is it that the one with the emotions around sex seems to have to suck it up and take it more often than not? Is it me, or does that seem to be the case?
Hi RP

It's a good observation.
But if you think about it, the same principle applies to any number of differences that can eventually surface between two (or more) people.

Where the subject is 'sex' we'll stay there. So this being the case it seems to lead to the question of why this becomes so much more of an 'issue' than any of the other myriad of (small?) differences that surface but get taken in stride.

What indeed is so 'special' about sex ?

Is it possible for some people that that is their only discovered means of making that 'deep connection' they desire in their life ?

And if that is the case, and as you allude to, 'they' are the ones who feel 'they' are always in the suffering end, what choices are there to alleviate that 'suffering'. And whose responsibility are those choices ?

More questions than answers..............

GS
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  #12  
Old 02-28-2010, 08:19 PM
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Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
It's a good observation.
But if you think about it, the same principle applies to any number of differences that can eventually surface between two (or more) people.

Where the subject is 'sex' we'll stay there. So this being the case it seems to lead to the question of why this becomes so much more of an 'issue' than any of the other myriad of (small?) differences that surface but get taken in stride.

What indeed is so 'special' about sex ?

Is it possible for some people that that is their only discovered means of making that 'deep connection' they desire in their life ?

And if that is the case, and as you allude to, 'they' are the ones who feel 'they' are always in the suffering end, what choices are there to alleviate that 'suffering'. And whose responsibility are those choices ?

More questions than answers..............

GS
I agree, there are other issues for sure, sometimes bigger ones too.

Sex is very special to me. It is not a recreational pass time for me, it does not come as a given that I will dish out to anyone that I feel a connection with and I guard it closely now, whereas I never did before.

I have assumed, up until lately, that others feel the same way. I realize now that they don't and I am adjusting to that. A lot of people are able to dip their foot into different qualities of sex and different styles and be okay with that as it is a fun pass time for them. What's the big deal sort of thing. That is great for them, it really is, but it is not for me.

Is this the only way someone like me can reach a deep connection with someone? I can only speak for myself really, I have no idea what others that feel similarly to me feel. I am not sure at this point. I thought or hoped that it wasn't, as I had hoped I could be friends with all kinds of people (especially men) deeply and even physically closely without having sex with them. In the poly community I am wondering if that is possible. I have yet to experience closeness without it becoming a "are you available" situation.

I'm talking friends in the poly community here, not all my friends... I have close friends that I am not sexual with for sure. Those are the ones that accept me for who I am with and air of interest, rather than judgment or with assumptions. Actually, I think I get on better with the mono community right now than the poly one as I don't have to concern myself with them looking at me as a catch, or disappointment in my point of view about sex in my life. Sometimes those mono rules are very useful in feeling protected for me.

As to the "alleviating the suffering" questions (it sounds so friggin dramatic)... I think it is up to the person that feels like that mostly and unfortunately. Either they have to get over it and feel devastated that their partner is off fucking others or they move on to someone who is like them more.

For me, if my partners were to go off and do whatever because they have a different view than I do and see sex as not such a big deal, I would have to leave them or never have sex with them again I think. I would be forever changed and I think I would probably never get over that. Granted I don't know, because I am WAaaaay in this relationship structure more than I have ever been in any relationship in my life. I really don't want to challenge that at all, I just know that when my husband had sex with a woman that I had a hard time with and thought didn't treat him well, I still think about it and still find myself disconnecting regularly from him even though I gave him a green light about the whole thing. That was over a year ago now.

I know, I'm fucked....

just so you know, I am not okay with my being like this at the moment. I struggle with it and am being completely honest because I want to get to the bottom of it. To a place where I feel like I can sit in the seat I am in and be okay.... I'm not okay right now. I'm off balance entirely. I'm disappointed in myself, frustrated and feel left out. My need to feel included is conflicting with my need to have boundaries around my sex life where my poly community is concerned.

I feel marginalized HA! (oh please don't argue that, I really don't have the strength and am trying to be light about all this.... )
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  #13  
Old 02-28-2010, 09:10 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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I know, I'm fucked....
Quite nicely as I understand

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Is this the only way someone like me can reach a deep connection with someone? I can only speak for myself really, I have no idea what others that feel similarly to me feel. I am not sure at this point. I thought or hoped that it wasn't, ......
I often wonder if what many of us toss around pretty freely as this "connection" thing needs further understanding and definition.
It's quite apparent that most everyone has the capacity to "feel" it when it happens. And once you do it seems it's like an addiction. You just want more and more of it.

But what exactly is this ???

In Eastern thought (and medicine) there is extensive reference for example about chakras, meridians, energy paths and exchange etc.
There is much documented on the ways to open these energy channels for our own (and others) benefit. And these channels are not confined inside ourselves but extend beyond our physical body.

And one of the time honored ways of opening these channels is.......
surprise..........
SEX !

But it's far from the only way and it seems that the goal/desire is to gain some mastery of opening and closing those channels when appropriate.

Now if everyone were to have this understanding, I've felt that the whole approach to, and understanding of, sexuality would change dramatically.

If we felt a desire to "connect" to someone we might chose sexuality as one of the methods. It would depend on the person and what we both felt was the best (or easiest?) method at the moment. But as mastery improved, that sexuality would not be the only - or even necessarily preferred- method ! Each moment is unique and special. We develop the abilities that fit best in a particular moment.

So I often wonder.

Many people seem to discover this "tool" if you will (sexuality) for connection and energy exchange - often quite by accident -because it's a built in biological tool we were provided with.

It's always been thought of as a means of reproduction.
But some have another view entirely.

Interesting stuff............

GS
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  #14  
Old 02-28-2010, 10:50 PM
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Quite nicely as I understand


LMAO!!! HAHAHAHAHA! That is hilarious
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  #15  
Old 03-01-2010, 12:26 AM
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I agree GS, there is a spiritual connection. I feel it from a similar place quite often when I am being spiritual or having sex. Having a spiritual nature I think that I reach that place often in many ways.

We are going to a sexual ritual soon called "Aphrodite's Temple" that involves sex in a mosh up of experiencing spirituality. It will be interesting to see where that takes us.

Oh what a fascinating journey. Everyone's is different, yet sometimes the same. Sometimes things are more important to them than others... none of it is wrong or right, just maybe to that individual.
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  #16  
Old 03-01-2010, 02:32 PM
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I agree GS, there is a spiritual connection. I feel it from a similar place quite often when I am being spiritual or having sex. Having a spiritual nature I think that I reach that place often in many ways.
That Aphrodite's Temple sounds interesting. Please keep us posted !

But besides that, I understand your framework of "spiritual" although for myself I'm not sure it would be my (sole) description of the phenom. In some cases it's almost "scientific".

K for example is what is commonly called an "empath". For anyone not familiar, that is an ability (gift or burden ?) to pick up people's energy patterns intuitively. Hell, she can pick them up from across a parking lot !

But at least for me it's not confined to a spiritual etc experience as much as a different way of "seeing" the world and navigating in it. It gives you an option of reaching out and "connecting" with someone whenever you feel it's the right thing to do (for both). Sometimes it might be based on a perceived need, other times just a desire.

Have you maybe at some point in your life come across people that when in their presence, you come away with just a feeling of relief. Wholesomeness. Like some burden has been lifted. That's one manifestation of such things. People might just say "they make me laugh - or make me feel better". That kind of thing. They have classically alluded it to things like personality etc. But in reality - it's much more than that.

Anyway...........I'm rambling !
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  #17  
Old 09-16-2011, 10:42 PM
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Questions surrounding birth control have generally not been an issue in my life because none of my boyfriends were at risk of getting pregnant.

Every time I've had sex with a woman -- which I can count on one hand (sigh) -- I wore a condom. I do not especially enjoy condoms. I imagine this is probably true for most guys. (I didn't have genital sex with the only full-on girlfriend I've had because I had not been tested for HIV. This was LONG ago, and I was scared to take the test... and she broke up with me before I tested. The only genital sex I've had with other women was experimental and "casual". *sigh*)

I may well be needing education about birth control options in the future. That is, I will be happy to get my education now, should there be future opportunity to utilize it.

I repeat. I do not much like condoms.

Are birth control pills problematic for many? Side effects and all?

What are the best available options.

I am disease free, STD free.
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  #18  
Old 09-16-2011, 11:27 PM
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On condoms -- try the lambskin ones if you're just trying to prevent pregnancy and aren't worried about STD's. They are very thin and can feel a lot nicer! Also, try XL sized condoms. For guys who are bigger they fit better and don't "pinch", and for guys who are average or smaller, sometimes the extra material and the slidy-ness can feel good.

Darn, now I feel like I ought to comment on the original topic, since I'm posting here... hmmm...

Sex usually gets much better for me the more often I do it with a particular person and the closer we are. I'm sure that's pretty common. Sex with near-strangers feels like it should be exciting, but usually I end up feeling more nervous and conflicted than excited and don't enjoy it as much as I might.

Sweet, vanilla sex feels good in a pure, physical way and in a cuddly, close-to-my-partner way. Rough, D/s sex feels deeply engaging in a way that puts me more in touch with myself.

Sex with one other person feels intimate. Sex with two other people feels very very comfortable and almost comforting to me, like I'm surrounded by love and good feelings and energy. Sex with three other people feels like too many limbs.
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Old 09-16-2011, 11:37 PM
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On condoms -- try the lambskin ones if you're just trying to prevent pregnancy and aren't worried about STD's. They are very thin and can feel a lot nicer!
Maybe I will. (Heh, It's kinda fun to discuss my penis with women, lol.) Anyway, I'll be especially interested in what the guys have to say about condoms of various sorts.
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  #20  
Old 09-17-2011, 02:11 AM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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I have noticed that my views/ attitudes towards sex have evolved over the years. As a young teen; sex was something that guys expected from me; something that made me feel guilty for participating in (I was a good little Christian girl whose best friend kept making her believe she was committing a horrible sin). My First rode his bike to my grandmother's, in a snow storm, expecting to get laid. We were 15 and I decided I wasn't ready, but let him guilt me into it. Not realizing that would be the pattern for the last year of our relationship. He would demand sex and either guilt me into it or physically threaten me until I acquiesced. After learning that guys expected sex, I was let down by my next serious boyfriend when I actually wanted sex and I was his first kiss. Ultimately, he broke up with me because he was afraid to give in and have sex with me (for a multitude of reasons). I thought there was something wrong with me, so I started dating guys with the intent of having sex with them. When friends introduced Runic Wolf and I in our late teens, I didn't want another boyfriend, I wanted a lover; and I got one. Neither of us were looking for a committment or even a deep friendships, but apparently love finds me when I least want it. I had a few female friends with whom I shared passionate makeouts, but it never went further than that and it was mostly for shock value (at least for them).

In my early 20's I was just accepting that I was bi-sexual; I was a newly wed, so sex outside our marriage was purely for recreation and exploration. I needed him there to push me (gently) past my comfort zone and into the arms of other women. In my mid 20's a good friend asked us to take care of his fiance while he was in Iraq; we all went out bar hopping, then came back and had a foursome. This happened a few more times after he came back and I had one other male friend who I occasionally slept with while drunk (a couple of St.Patrick's day's got out of hand). Sex with others was still casual, but I had grown to realize I wanted to at least be friends with the people in my bed.

When Wendigo approached me 2 years ago, I was 27, and one of the first things he said to me was that he found my sexual confidence alluring. Neither of us were looking for it to be anything more than friendship or even fully sexual (the original plan was oral only and he wanted to pleasure me). Ultimately, we had an amazing sexual and emotional connection and, at some point, it became love (though we have only said the words a handful of times). I still had a couple of FWB options, but phased most of them out. When Pretty Lady joined our quad in a sexual way, I still had one sexual female interest; but that too has faded over time.

Nine months ago was the last time I attempted a casual sexual experience. Pretty Lady and I offered to help a friend out who had always desired a 3 some, but wasn't all that interested in having another guy involved and his fiance wouldn't go for it at all. Ultimately the whole thing was a disaster, but I discovered that I no longer enjoy casual sex. Sex with my guys and our Pretty Lady is amazing, sex with our friend was disappointing and felt forced. In many ways, I had sex with him so that I could have sex with Pretty Lady again, since her availability is severely limited. For me casual sex is not enough anymore, but I would never presume to tell my lovers that they can't have casual sex if it something that is beneficial to them.

Last edited by BrigidsDaughter; 09-17-2011 at 02:18 AM. Reason: self policing grammar
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