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  #11  
Old 03-18-2012, 05:37 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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If they end up not being as into each other as her husband and you, is there room for them to date separately? If you aren't able to go out as much as them, why not go out separately. There is a sense of autonomy in poly. I'm not sensing it here. You are four different people, marriage doesn't mean you have to do it together. Perhaps a step to take would be to break out and do things with them separately.
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  #12  
Old 03-20-2012, 05:51 AM
PolyCurious4 PolyCurious4 is offline
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We have discusses the 'what ifs' and we are open to separate dates. I think we have been wanting to wade in slowly because it seems that's the best way, for us at least, to take things slow so that we can manage any emotions that come up well & not feel overwhelmed. For us getting together separately on the same nights was a big step. I am open to dating separately but the couple we're seeing is more interested in the 'community' dynamic and prefers this sort of set up.

I've expressed to him (him being the other gentleman) my concern if that is realistic long term because of the fact that there are four separate people involved with four separate personalities & sets of wishes. He seems to think that if everyone is wanting to work hard & being considerate it will all work out until it doesn't. That's another concern I have... It is worrisome that if I develope strong feelings for him & she decides it no longer works for her then it seems it would be over. Hard to invest feelings that you know are vulnerable to not one but two people.

We did have a great evening for just the four of us to get together this weekend. The dynamic of the four of us seems to work well for now.

But then again we're thrown back into wondering because of the difference in how they handle things. He texts me often and is very flattering & we are excited to see each other again. But Hubby asks her tonight if she'd like to get together this week again & she says she's driving & will talk shortly. An hour later she says she's tired & will talk later with no mention of his proposal to get together later in the week.

That's another quirk in of itself that's frustrating. We are starting to feel like we can't make plans that we initiate. The only date we've had that one of us initiated was when I asked him & he nailed her down to a decision. She's made a big deal that she's a free spirit and every date has been at their whim. That's getting old. Free spirit or not I think we should be able to ask if they'd like to do something without feeling like it's an issue. This is a girl that refuses to wear a watch because it ties her to something - just a descriptive of how much of a free spirit she is. This can be a cute & endeering quirk but at the same time consideration for others are very important to me/us.

I feel like these are things that need to be discussed but previously when we attempted to talk it was met with an explanation that they want to live in the moment etc...
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  #13  
Old 03-20-2012, 06:17 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyCurious4 View Post
That's another quirk in of itself that's frustrating. We are starting to feel like we can't make plans that we initiate. The only date we've had that one of us initiated was when I asked him & he nailed her down to a decision. She's made a big deal that she's a free spirit and every date has been at their whim. That's getting old.
Here's how you train them out of that dictatorship style. You and your Hubby make plans for yourselves -- something you really want to do. And then invite them to go with you.

"Hello, so-and-so, we're going out to ___ and would love if you could come along. Let us know if you can make it!" If they accept, great. If you don't hear back from them or they say "no," go out and have a blast with Hubby.

If they call again and ask to arrange something else, you say, "Oh, I'm sorry, we can't. That's why we were hoping you could come with us to ___ when we invited you. Oh well, next time!"

Do that three or four more times and they'll get the picture that you can be in charge, too. It might mean you don't see them for a while, but you are training yourselves as well as training them. If they want to do things with you, they will have to accept an invitation. Eventually, you two couples will meet in the middle and have more give and take. If they give you a hard time and insist on doing it the way they have, you just tell them, "Well, we have things we want to do too, and it's only fair to take turns making plans."
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  #14  
Old 03-24-2012, 12:53 AM
PolyCurious4 PolyCurious4 is offline
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nycindie that's an excellent suggestion! I invited her today to go to a local event with me because we'd been talking about having a girls night out and assuming she can schedule the night off work we're all good. Picking an event to invite to seemed to work out very well. Maybe that's the trick for her - she gets all wishy washy if you ask her to choose something.

Just a little update. I finally determined to be blunt. Because she is such a free spirit & doesn't want to be tied down Hubby is gun shy to be blunt with her. I was straight forward with him and told him I'd like to see him this week and what day would work. He promptly talked to her, worked out a day they were both avail and we had a date scheduled in moments. I've decided I'm going to stop beating around the bush and ask for what I want. He seems to find my bluntness endearing so works out.

Hubby got a much better read from her last night. She shared that she's not good at being vulnerable. Hubby could relate because he is not comfortable being vulnerable either which has what brought on some of the stress of not knowing where he stood. They had a great time together and now that he knows she does 'like' him beyond the sexual element he's comfortable learning her quirks in how she handles things and communicates.
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