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  #21  
Old 03-22-2012, 05:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Qarzan View Post
Seems the men in the beginnings of relationships are not allowed to express closeness.
It's the same for women, if not worse! Men tend to get really weirded out if they think a woman wants more than they can give. While men have to do what they can not to seem creepy and only after sex (this is not your case, but in general), women have to make sure the guys know they're not getting fitted for a wedding gown and throwing away their birth control. When a relationship is just starting out, I think it's important for both men and woman to speak directly and to be careful not to layer expectation over our communications (and that means our listening skills as well as expressing ourselves - sometimes we only hear what we want to hear).
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  #22  
Old 03-22-2012, 05:15 PM
feelyunicorn feelyunicorn is offline
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I`ll be honest, from what you`ve said, I`m getting red flags about both H and R. H due to the PDA, and R due to her inability to initiate.

Both can take on different forms of insensitivity, I think. H may be very expansive toward you (which, like you, I find exciting), but she`ll neither protect your feelings nor privacy.

In other words, she calls it polyamory, but the amorousness is lacking. It doesn`t surprise me she now identifies as monogamous even though she`s sleeping with 3 guys.

Perhaps, the reason why she hasn`t defined boundaries between you, is that she doesn`t want any as she doesn`t have any feelings for you. You might just be a lay, so long as you`re willing to dangle on her string. If she were so concerned about her reputation, why would she kiss you in front of everyone?

And, in R, it may be a case in which she`s constantly witholding something. I have had painful experiences in that regard. It almost seems as if, I am interchangeable to people who don`t initiate. In other words, whomever initiates gets their heart. Whomever doesn`t, don`t. Regardless of who you are, or your personal qualities.

----------

I must admit to having a trigger reaction to NovemberRain`s post about letting men take the initiative. Like the OP, I feel the need that women are participant in the initiation process, and even when I initiate, I`d like to feel the woman can do the same for me.

Yet, I have to admit to being very careful with women who are outgoing and expansive, precisely for the reason you`re dealing with now.

A lot of times, I`ve had all that effusive initiating energy from women withdrawn just as quickly, and that is why I sometimes reject female advances until I am convinced they will be sustained and consistent.

So, both extremes. The initiating extreme, and the non-initiating extremes can turn out to be a regular cocktease.
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Last edited by feelyunicorn; 03-22-2012 at 05:27 PM.
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  #23  
Old 03-22-2012, 05:34 PM
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In other words, she calls it polyamory, but the amorousness is lacking. It doesn`t surprise me she now identifies as monogamous even though she`s sleeping with 3 guys.

Perhaps, the reason why she hasn`t defined boundaries between you, is that she doesn`t want any as she doesn`t have any feelings for you. You might just be a lay, so long as you`re willing to dangle on her string...

And, in R, it may be a case in which she`s constantly witholding something.
Wow.

The way I see it, H. simply enjoys seeing people casually. She travels a lot and has several relationships but doesn't consider them serious yet. And we don't know if she's having sex with three men, we just know she's seeing three men. One does not automatically assume the other. She could just be dating and not sexual with everyone she dates. Apparently, if she did see one guy emerging as serious, she's likely devote to being mono with that person. Til then, she doesn't want the pressure of trying to make it work and be all heavy and laden down with commitment. So, she likes things to develop slowly. Nothing wrong with that.

And in reality, she and the OP have just started going out and having a little romance and making out. She might not see that there's anything there yet, beyond some attraction and perhaps potential for more. But why rush it? She seems to have a busy life.

As for R. "constantly withholding?" Where did you get that? It seems to me that things did not progress with her because the OP was overly focused on that "bonfire" he had burning high and hot for H. I think R. just might be a little shy and also seems to like things to move slowly. Or she may want more but the OP hasn't seen it because of his preoccupation with H.
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Last edited by nycindie; 03-22-2012 at 05:37 PM.
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  #24  
Old 03-22-2012, 05:36 PM
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I wouldn't quite say it's so much that I want her to say "I miss you" in return. What bothers me most is that she said she would call me "early next week" (which is this week), and she hasn't. Now it's Thursday, and I've made last contact by asking her to call.
I have struggled with this one, still do. I have a few basic guidelines that kinda help. No idea if they would help you but maybe.

I don't leave the when they will call back, or text back, open ended. We talk about a day. "I'll call you Monday." That way everyone knows what day we are talking about.

I play no wait to call/text back games. It feeds the self worth monster.

If I don't hear from them I contact them within a day or two after we were supposed to connect. With the assumption first that perhaps it's just a glitch in the matrix and not related to the way our relationship is developing.

No rules work 100% you find what works for you. These just help me keep the mean voices inside spread self doubt. Good luck! ((hugs))
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  #25  
Old 03-22-2012, 06:38 PM
Qarzan Qarzan is offline
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Oh, just to let you know, I went out with R, we had a really great time. We were very snuggly and cuddly. At the end of the night she asked me to come in to her apartment. We talked, and I told her that I was seeing another woman. She said she wouldn't be able to deal with it, so we left it at that. No hard feelings, I respect her and her wishes.

Bastet, thanks for the advice! I have been told by a friend that if she says she'll call "early" in the week, and I don't hear from her, then it should be fine for me to call her by Thursday, since it's no longer early in the week.

I think the only problem comes if I call her and don't get a response; and I leave a voicemail. What then?

EDIT: In addition, when H said she was seeing other men, I didn't get the impression that she was sleeping with them.

Last edited by Qarzan; 03-22-2012 at 07:01 PM.
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  #26  
Old 03-22-2012, 07:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Qarzan View Post
I have been told by a friend that if she says she'll call "early" in the week, and I don't hear from her, then it should be fine for me to call her by Thursday, since it's no longer early in the week.

I think the only problem comes if I call her and don't get a response; and I leave a voicemail. What then?
Um, you wait until you hear from her?
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  #27  
Old 03-22-2012, 07:29 PM
Qarzan Qarzan is offline
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Ok so new way of thinking:

Since H identifies as monogamous, and is seeing 3 men, logically she sees herself as still being single. Then I should see myself also as being single, and should continue on the path I was on before, which was improving my confidence, connecting with people, and managing my own happiness; increasing my ability to be openly affectionate with people, and generally making other people's lives happier by being in my presence.

EDIT: I am resigned to the most likely possibility that I was a booty call. Nothing wrong with that, just that I need to take it for what it is. H is pretty hot, don't mind being her booty call a few times.

EDIT #2: I've returned to my previous self-improvement inspiration: control your own emotions; find what makes you happy and do that; focus on what you have, and not on what you don't.

The way I'm thinking right now is just causing me stress and worry. I'd better stop it before it eats me alive. I still have lots of good friends and potential lovers around. It would be unfair for me not to be fully present for them.

Last edited by Qarzan; 03-22-2012 at 11:19 PM.
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  #28  
Old 03-23-2012, 04:41 PM
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I think the only problem comes if I call her and don't get a response; and I leave a voicemail. What then?
I tend to lose interest if that happens. The other person has to express at least equal interest in me to keep me interested. We want to be wanted right? Mutual attraction is important. If someone doesn't express that in a way that makes us comfortable it's kind of hard to keep wanting that stress.

I still hope she calls you back it's good to hope.
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  #29  
Old 03-23-2012, 04:43 PM
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The way I'm thinking right now is just causing me stress and worry. I'd better stop it before it eats me alive. I still have lots of good friends and potential lovers around. It would be unfair for me not to be fully present for them.
You said it. Possibilities are endless, her loss.
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  #30  
Old 03-23-2012, 04:47 PM
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Originally Posted by Qarzan View Post
Ok so new way of thinking:

Since H identifies as monogamous, and is seeing 3 men, logically she sees herself as still being single. Then I should see myself also as being single, and should continue on the path I was on before, which was improving my confidence, connecting with people, and managing my own happiness; increasing my ability to be openly affectionate with people, and generally making other people's lives happier by being in my presence...

I still have lots of good friends and potential lovers around. It would be unfair for me not to be fully present for them.
There ya go! Single, dating, lots to offer, open to enjoying your life and the people in it.

Good job. Just be on the lookout, when next you meet and connect with some really great women out there, not to ascribe more to it than is really there. Stay present and remember that fantasies are just fantasies. "Eyes open and feet on the ground" - that's become my personal motto!
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