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  #21  
Old 03-26-2012, 09:31 PM
adrift adrift is offline
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Default Day 11

Today was sluggish. I went to work for a few hours then back to bed lol and slept for a while. But I had a good day lounging on the couch, mostly recovering from yesterday. I had some ugly thoughts on annd off throughout the day about Nancy and Hardy, wondering what they were doing, not thinking about how my libido was screaming at me and feeling unwanted. I struggled a lot with not liking being left home alone. I kept thinking how much I wanted what they were having and how it sucked that they were working on their bond and I'm left in the dust. Blah blah feeding my insecurities blah.

There was a few times I glared at my phone, like that would do me any good.

But the night ended well for me. I went out later with some friends, drank and had a great time laughing and spending time with them. It reminded me of why I needed this time too. I needed to have my time without worrying about who I was leaving behind at home. I forgot how much I did need that. So the brave thing I did, which happened late in the day, was stop indulging my bad fantasies of how they like to hurt me. (I must sound like a crazy person.) Turns out while I was drinking and laughing, I missed a call from my partners. It was nice to know they were thinking of me and wanted to talk to me, even though by the time I got it, it was too late. But it still made me feel wanted and I heard their voices on voicemail so that was something. At least I will see them tomorrow.
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  #22  
Old 03-26-2012, 09:40 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by adrift View Post
I didn't call them. I figure that it's their time alone and I shouldn't disturb it and if they want to talk to me they will.
So send them a quick text "Miss you! Hope your having a good time." They can respond if they want or not. You reached out and it may just make them feel good. It's so easy to get into the self deprecating cycle, they may be thinking the same thing you are and then no one talks to anyone.

My husband is one to automatically invite certain people to "go with us" unless I specifically tell him, it's just "us" time. When I finally realized that we wouldn't get any alone time unless I spelled it out for each specific event I did have to remind him, write it on the calendar ("just us"), say do NOT invited anyone else, etc more than once and in more than one way. Don't give up.
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  #23  
Old 03-27-2012, 07:43 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Originally Posted by adrift View Post
Turns out while I was drinking and laughing, I missed a call from my partners. It was nice to know they were thinking of me and wanted to talk to me, even though by the time I got it, it was too late. But it still made me feel wanted and I heard their voices on voicemail so that was something. At least I will see them tomorrow.
I love it when that happens. It means you were really spending time being in the moment, with yourself, instead of obsessing about the what-ifs and the dark scenarios. And sometimes its too hard doing that all by yourself, and friends and company can be a big help.
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  #24  
Old 04-04-2012, 08:43 PM
adrift adrift is offline
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Default Day?? All This Madness

I haven't been keeping up with my postings because things effectively blew up in my household and the fallout carried on for 4 days? Hell, I'm still feeling it.

I went from feeling happy and hopeful about my relationship with Nancy and about our triad to feeling completely hopeless. Right now, in this moment I feel like this relationship isn't going to ever be right for me. I keep asking myself, "What the fuck are you thinking??"

When my partners came home from their trip they were both excited and happy to see me. Part of me was surprised because it had only been 3 days but their excitement over me made me feel good (even if I was a little awkward with so much attention). Nancy kept saying how much she really wanted to hang out with me and have sex with me that I thought, "Ok! This is what I've been looking for! Awesome!"

WARNING: VENTING AHEAD

Then drama. This after already having a stressful work/school week and not being able to have alone time with either of my partners until the weekend. One thing I've continued to struggle with since this triad is how my alone with both of them (especially Hardy) has been darastically reduced. If I'm lucky, I may get one night a week with both of them, otherwise I see them for a grand total of 30 minutes before they go to bed during the week. I feel neglected most of the time but I try to keep my head up about it because the other option is to scream and fight.

Did I mention I'm starting to reach the end of my rope about this? No, ok, I'll get to that.

Lately it seems like when there is a problem, it isn't mine in the sense that it's my conflict, but even when it doesn't involve me I still get the fallout. I get Nancy being passive aggressive to Hardy and I see Hardy withdrawing and there's me with anxiety and general unhappiness.

The problem is, whenever there is drama between Nancy and Hardy, the fallout ALWAYS affects my alone time with Hardy. Nancy and Hardy fight? There goes both nights I was supposed to have alone with Hardy because I stay up one night trying to comfort my crying girlfriend and am exhausted the next day where all Hardy wants to do is sleep or find some form of escape. This also means trying to be a sympathetic shoulder to Nancy while she's unhappy and angry and there goes that time with her too. But it's ok, this is hard on them, I can handle my needs going on the backburner for now. Oh, Nancy can't sleep because of her anxiety and insomnia? Oh that's ok, Hardy will stay up with her until 4 am trying to help her sleep. It just means that the next day where he and I are supposed to spend the day together, I'll be lucky if I have a few hours. But that's ok, because she's going through a rough time. Oh, I ask to sleep in the middle of the bed because I miss sleeping next to Hardy and cue another restless night for Nancy because I've "upset her routine?" That's ok if none of us get any sleep or if it puts everyone in the bad mood for the night. What's that? Nancy and Hardy had drama that didn't really get resolved so while things are uncomfortable for everyone in the house because of hurt feelings, I get to sit up with Nancy as she drinks and rants and raves about the problem all night long when you've been up ass early in the morning? That's ok, you're just trying to be a supportive girlfriend. It's ok if during this conversation what you say backfires and causes a fight between the two of you that while it gets solved quickly, you still have all these ugly feelings you don't know how to deal with about your girlfriend, the woman you wanted to spend your life with.

All this on top of the fact that our schedules rarely sync up and I'm barely home as it is so alone time is incredibly prescious to me.

Can anyone see how I'm not handling things so well right now? I've spent months and months trying to keep my head above the water, not let the bad thoughts get the better of me and try to be happy with "Baby, I know you're not getting your needs met right now because of circumstances out of control and your work/school schedule. But it's going to be ok because we'll have time, we have the rest of our lives together!"

Well, I shouldn't have to wait for tomorrow to come. Not when I've been doing this months. Not when I've put so much effort into doing the right thing and feeling like it only half works half the time.

/vent (exhale, try to breathe)

I have to feel like things don't have to be this hard. Is this what it means to love someone? Swinging back and forth between feeling love and misery? It's so frustrating that because of the way Nancy is and because of the way things are, I have to fight that feeling that goes "I wish it was just me and Hardy. I miss him so much. I hate having to share him when I'm getting the raw end of this deal." Because, if I have these feelings and they never really go away, am I making a mistake? But I don't want to leave because while I love them both, Hardy makes me happy (when we actually get time together.) I love him so deeply and completely that I hate to throw away my relationship with him because I don't know if I can be in a relationship with her. Or if because I want a poly relationship anymore?

I know this is all broken and confusing but I just had to get this out. I've been feeling worn out and crazy because there has been literally 4 days of fallout. When I was sharing the detailed experience with a friend of mine her response to whenever I said "Oh wait, there's more." was "There's MORE? oh dear god."

I'm just getting to the point where I'm tired of playing nice and saying it's ok. I'm tired of feeling like Hardy choses Nancy over me and caters to her needs more than mine. I hate how many times he's told me one thing but then done another. If I'm so important and he loves me so much then why the fuck can't he keep his word? He tells me we'll hang out, we'll do this and we'll do that. Then it becomes "This week has been too hard on me." "I'm too exhausted from the problems with Nancy." "I just need some 'me' time today." And believe me when I say I want him to have his "me" time. I just want him to respect the plans he makes me too.

I keep letting him get away with it because I know how stressed he his and how unhappy all this crap makes him. I keept letting it happen because I love him so much that I just want him to be happy. But I can't keep allowing anyone to put me on the backburner anymore (myself most of all.) I do deserve to be happy. I deserve to be considered. I deserve my time with my partners. I deserve to have a relationship that fulfils me. And this one isn't doing that right now.

I want to believe that things can get better but I only half heartedly want that. Because right now, I don't have the energy. More and more leaving looks better and better. No feeling neglected, no jealousy, no pain, no feeling unimportant or second best.

Now I feel less like an overblown balloon ready to explode. But something still has to give.
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  #25  
Old 04-04-2012, 08:44 PM
adrift adrift is offline
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Default Oh yeah, that bravery thing?

I think it's safe to say, bravey went out the window with those last few days I wrote about. So now I have to figure out the best way to get it back. And do it.
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  #26  
Old 04-05-2012, 12:30 AM
Windstar Windstar is offline
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"I'm just getting to the point where I'm tired of playing nice and saying it's ok. I'm tired of feeling like Hardy choses Nancy over me and caters to her needs more than mine. I hate how many times he's told me one thing but then done another. If I'm so important and he loves me so much then why the fuck can't he keep his word? He tells me we'll hang out, we'll do this and we'll do that. Then it becomes "This week has been too hard on me." "I'm too exhausted from the problems with Nancy." "I just need some 'me' time today." And believe me when I say I want him to have his "me" time. I just want him to respect the plans he makes me too."


You know, this sounds to me like you really need to claim your power. You are totally right with what you say above. We all train everyone around us in how to treat us with our every action. That is to say, if you are always nice and accepting, you are training your loved ones that they can walk all over you. It's okay to have boundaries and needs. It's even better than ok to voice them and let the "chips fall where they may." You can tell them about these trends that you recognize and tell them that these trends offend you and are not okay. you can take a stand. You also can do it non-confrontationally and even nicely if you get your energy right first.

The point is not to vomit on them. The point is not to make them feel bad or to insult them to make you feel better. The point is to get back on the same page, get your needs recognized (if not met) and come to a new place of understanding together.

I wish you luck and a calm heart. Let truth guide you...only truth.

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  #27  
Old 04-05-2012, 05:45 AM
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I am with Windstar on this one. I don't think that Hardy choose Nancy over you. It's just that the signals reaching him are always "I am not Ok. Help!" from Nancy, while you try your best to signal him "I am OK. Just go and settle things with her." What would you do in this case? You need to change communication here. He can't possibly read your mind and see "Oh, she is doing her best to keep up with this." So tell him and tell her that this is everything, but not OK long time to keep this up. You need to claim your rights in this relationship(s) as soon as possible. Good luck.
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  #28  
Old 04-05-2012, 06:00 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I thought I would share some of this article with you, which I just found today:
"How do we establish healthy personal boundaries?

Know that you have a right to personal boundaries. You not only have the right, but you must take responsibility for how you allow others to treat you. Your boundaries act as filters permitting what is acceptable in your life and what is not. If you don't have boundaries that protect and define you, as in a strong sense of identity, you tend to derive your sense of worth from others. To avoid this situation, set clear and decisive limits so that others will respect them, then be willing to do whatever it takes to enforce them. Interestingly, it's been shown that those who have weak boundaries themselves tend to violate the boundaries of others.

Recognize that other people's needs and feelings are not more important than your own. Many women have traditionally thought that the needs of their husbands [and/or lovers] are more important than their own. This is not only untrue, but it can undermine the healthy functioning of the [relationship] dynamic. If a woman is worn out mentally and physically from putting everyone else first, she not only destroys her own health, she in turn deprives her family of being fully engaged in their lives. Instead, she should encourage every family member to contribute to the whole as well as take care of himself or herself. Putting themselves last is not something only women do, but many men as well.

Learn to say no. Many of us are people-pleasers and often put ourselves at a disadvantage by trying to accommodate everyone. We don't want to be selfish, so we put our personal needs on the back burner and agree to do things that may not be beneficial to our well-being. Actually, a certain amount of "selfishness" is necessary for having healthy personal boundaries. You do not do anyone any favors, least of all yourself, by trying to please others at your own expense.

Identify the actions and behaviors that you find unacceptable. Let others know when they've crossed the line, acted inappropriately, or disrespected you in any way. Do not be afraid to tell others when you need emotional and physical space. Allow yourself to be who you really are without pressure from others to be anything else. Know what actions you may need to take if your wishes aren't respected.

Trust and believe in yourself. You are the highest authority on you. You know yourself best. You know what you need, want, and value. Don't let anyone else make the decisions for you. Healthy boundaries make it possible for you to respect your strengths, abilities and individuality as well as those of others. An unhealthy imbalance occurs when you encourage neediness, or are needy; want to be rescued, or are the rescuer, or when you choose to play the victim."
There's more, but the above seems to be some stuff you could use, I think. It came from http://www.essentiallifeskills.net/p...oundaries.html
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  #29  
Old 04-05-2012, 01:54 PM
Windstar Windstar is offline
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Thanks for that nycindie. That was very succinct and put a very fine point on my sentiments.
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  #30  
Old 04-05-2012, 10:40 PM
adrift adrift is offline
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Thank you to everyone who has responded. Your advice has helped me step back from the crazy ledge for a while. Unfortunately, I don't have the energy to really reply. There was drama between me and Hardy that just pushed me right out the door. I'm taking a few days to myself and figure out exactly what I want and what I need. And to see if this relationship fits those things. I will reply later, I swear!
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