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  #11  
Old 03-19-2012, 09:37 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by adrift View Post
I decided that I need to start being proactive instead of reactive whenever jealousy rears its ugly head.

So this blog is about doing that. It's about confront what makes me feel afraid one step at a time (however big or small) and doing something about it. So my challenge to myself is to take at least one moment every day and do the exact opposite of what my fear is telling me to do.
Been reading your thread so far and realized I'd wanted to comment on your first post but never did.

So, just wanted to say that your challenge to yourself is exactly the stuff that enlightenment is made of. Changing your perspective is transformative, and not just to you. When we look inside and take steps to transform ourselves, we in turn transform our environments and everyone around us. There will be moments that are magical because you are not trying to fix anyone or change other people to suit yourself. And you're not sitting around making wish lists and doing nothing. You are actively shifting your reality. Congratulations, enlightened human!
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #12  
Old 03-19-2012, 09:50 PM
adrift adrift is offline
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Thank you for your comment! That's so wonderful to hear! Seeing messages like this help me to keep going through with my plan rather than letting it fall tithe wayside.
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  #13  
Old 03-19-2012, 11:31 PM
genebean genebean is offline
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Default I can definitely relate.

Thank you for doing this! I struggle with these things everyday myself and it's awesome to hear of somebody getting through it and learning. You are awesome!
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  #14  
Old 03-20-2012, 12:43 AM
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Wow! Thanks! I've spent so much time and mental energy on being jealous that something had to give. If I keep up with he bad habits I'm going to lose the one thing I really want. Poly is hard for some of us but I have to believe it can be done because if how I love my partners and my own well being. I deserve to be happy too and so do you!
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  #15  
Old 03-20-2012, 05:26 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by adrift View Post
I deserve to be happy too and so do you!
Today, I told my chiro (who is also my friend) about my recent road trip with First bf. I was telling him how wonderful it was blahdyblah,
and he said, 'that so nice,
You deserve it.'

And for some reason it really struck me. It just smacked me in the face and stuck there.

Nice to hear this echo. THANK YOU!
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Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
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Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #16  
Old 03-26-2012, 08:50 PM
adrift adrift is offline
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Default Day 6

(I really need to be better about posting what happens at the end of each day instead of trying to remember after the fact. But with school, work, two partners, homework, sleep, trying to have a social life too...where does the time go?)

Today was blissfully work free! And I got to spend time with Harvey but the poor boy was so exhausted from work that it was only for a few hours before he passed out for majority of the day. But it was quality time together, not just time together if that makes sense. And I also had some me time which is becoming a precious commodity these days. I just sat in my pajamas, watching reruns on tv until the evening. I had dinner with a friend that I hadn't seen in forever which was awesome! And it gave Hardy and Nancy some alone time as well. It was so nice to get out and do something for myself, drink and laugh with a friend without feeling that gnawing feeling in my gut of jealousy at the time Hardy and Nancy are having without me.

I think the bravest thing I did today was just allow myself to be happy and smile. I didn't feel guilty for leaving them alone and I didn't allow my jealousy to keep me from having a good time with my friend. And most importantly, when I came out and they were still out, I didn't get grumpy! Yay! I love not being grumpy!
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  #17  
Old 03-26-2012, 08:55 PM
adrift adrift is offline
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Default Day 7

First week down and sadly, day 7 was NOT a good day for me. I was exhausted all day from work being unnecessarily stressful, lack of quality sleep, and knowing I wouldn't be seeing either of my partners until it was their bedtime. I hate spending so much time away that by the time I get home, I barely see them and barely have time for myself before I have to go to sleep.

And I get weird if I stay up later than they do. I'm always afraid that by the time I decide to go to bed that I'll walk in on them having sex. It's one of the biggest hurtles I have currently, worrying that I'll walk in on them. I have bad memories from the first time we started a poly relationship, Harvey an I, and walking on him with our then girlfriend when he agreed not to initiate anything sexual when I wasn't around. That ugly feeling has stuck with me and every time I walk in on him with another person, I feel like I'm walking in him cheating on me even though since that point, I haven't placed any restrictions on his sexuality with others. But I hate that it makes me feel so uncomfortable.

I know that if things get better on my end and Nancy and I build up our relationship and our bond that it won't bother me as much. I'm not so optimistic that it'll go away completely, the jealousy, but I've had moments where it's much more manageable and it's when my needs are met.

I'm sorry so say, I wasn't very brave today. I let my bad thoughts get the better of me and I let my stress ruin my day.
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  #18  
Old 03-26-2012, 08:59 PM
adrift adrift is offline
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Default Day 8

Today was another long day, work first, then a meeting for a group assignment at school after. Luckily for me, it meant getting home early to spend some quality time with Nancy. Both of us were destroyed from the days events. And the night before Nancy and Hardy had some drama which left everyone in the house feeling uncomfortable and on edge. There were a few tears but Nancy and Hardy seemed to work it out. I really don't know what happened but I hate when they have drama. It's dealing with all of the negative emotions in the air and none of the feeling of relief when there's a resolution because it doesn't involve me.

But Nancy and I had a good time, being silly on the internet. It was a quiet evening and a relaxing one.

The brave thing I did today was allow myself to relax and not immediately get worried when she seemed off or not inclined to cuddle. I think it helped the night from becoming awkward.
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  #19  
Old 03-26-2012, 09:20 PM
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Default Day 9

Today was another one of those long work days that sort of destroy me but I'm happy to say my day started amazing with some alone time with my lady. Thank god! I felt like it had been forever! (And to be fair, two days feels like forever with my libido). I had also asked for alone time with my boyfriend before I went to work today because he and Nancy were going away for the weekend and I knew it would be awhile before we'd have any alone time. But when there was time to have it, he invited Nancy to hang out with us and I felt it would be rude to go "No, it's our time to be alone," especially if he explicitlly invites her to hang out. I guess I felt like I would react badly in that situation if that's what happened so I didn't say anything.

It made me really sad and cue all the bad thoughts coming in, "He doesn't want to be alone with me. He doesn't care. He'd rather spend time with Nancy than be alone with me. I'm not as important." Blah blah blah. And currently, I'm not comfortable with group sex for a variety of reasons but mainly, I get jealous when I see them together, especiallly when I feel like my sex life with each of them isn't quite meeting my needs at the moment. I'm not haing nearly as much sexual contact as I want and need but I'm hoping to improve this. We left him alone to nap and I was feeling pretty low since it felt like he didn't care about me. So I went upstairs briefly to give him a kiss and talk to him about it, my brave thing for the day. Turns out Hardy forgot about us planning alone time. He asked me why I didn't ask for alone time when there was time for it and I kindly reminded him that I had asked for it the previous day. He appologized and felt upset. I hated to upset him but I felt good for not walking away from the situation carrying those upset feelings. And to know that I wasn't crazy for being sad and to hear from his lips that he does want alone time with me.

I just don't know why if he wants it too, he won't ask for it. I think he gets so stressed dealing with two women that he worries about upseting the balance so he won't. And he knows, I'm less tempermental than our girlfriend who has had times of extreme moodiness. But it frustrates me that it feels like he chooses her needs over mine because I'm less likely to cause a fuss. But deep down, I don't believe that's what is going on.

And despite not having the time with him that I needed, I got more time with Nancy and it made me happy to just sit on the couch with her, talk, cuddle, and watch stupid youtube videos. So in the end, it worked out because any quality time with Nancy is good at this point. It helped me to feel even stronger about our growing bond and me feeling like there is a place for me in this relationship. So many times, I see them together and think, "What am I doing here? Do I even belong here? They're so happy with each other, they're never this happy with me!"

Despite some badness, the night ended well. The three of us saw a late night movie and went to bed entirely too late. But it was nice to have time with them before they go out of town for a few days.
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  #20  
Old 03-26-2012, 09:25 PM
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Default Day 10

I didn't see much of Nancy or Hardy today. I made plans to go to a drinking event with my friends, thinking they were going to be leaving yesterday instead of today. But I had breakfast with my dad and then decided to go meet my friends early rather than go home and go back out. Because we all had so litle sleep they were dead to the world when I left.

I such a great time with my friends and I forgot how awesome it can be to have the house all to myself! The bed was all mine! Oh it was so nice to sprawl out and not worry about kicking anyone!

The brave thing I did today: After the festival, I felt like crap so I went home. I have a meeting in the morning so I needed to go to bed early anyway. But I was feeling a lilttle down that my partners were go on their romantic getaway and feeling very much that they wanted to get away from me. It's something I struggled with on and off as I was home alone, nursing a prehangover. So I decided to push it out of my mind and relax. I took pleasure in doing things I wanted to do rather than worry about what they were doing or how much crazy sex they were having.

I didn't call them. I figure that it's their time alone and I shouldn't disturb it and if they want to talk to me they will.
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