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  #1  
Old 03-13-2012, 06:01 PM
LusciousLemon LusciousLemon is offline
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Unhappy Feeling like I just got punched in the gut ...

It should be exciting news, it really should, but it's NOT for me. It's making me very very sad and very very nervous and I just want to cry. I posted recently about a brand new relationship that was attempting to develop in my house: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=21713

Basically, as a recap, our live in room-mate couple were beginning to develop more of a loving relationship with my wife, and had the potential of doing the same with myself. We were getting places, I thought, though there have been multiple times that I've felt like I've personally been ripped back down out of the relationship (I know, melodramatic but that's how I feel right now) but I'd been able to get past them and feel like a connection was forming.

Well ... we all just found out that L is pregnant. L is the female half of the male/female couple that are our room-mates. I'm just terrified that what with the emotions and aversions and exhaustion and everything that comes with pregnancy, that any potential relationship we could have had is not really possible anymore. I've felt from the beginning of this like I was being sort of jerked around. Like my emotions were on a string that I had absolutely no control over, and I'm just ... feeling so done right now. I don't WANT to feel done, I want to keep trying to see where this could go. But this seriously feels like the universe is saying "Nope, not for you".
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Old 03-13-2012, 08:16 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Hmmm, I wonder why you're not happy and celebrating their news with them. Why are you so terrified? Here's an idea. Instead of focusing on what you will or will not be getting out of this situation, what about focusing on what you can give to the expectant mother as a friend? Instead of feeling left out, what can you do/offer/take charge of to be more a part of everything? It just sounds like you have trouble stepping up and taking a stance, whether it is stating your needs plainly and clearly, asking for what you want, or taking the reins to participate with everyone rather than waiting for them to do what you hope for.

Might be time to call another meeting and have everyone sit down and discuss how this pregnancy will affect the living situation, and what all of you need to feel safe and secure in your relationships.

And if you're done with being involved with L and B, just make a choice instead of waiting around for something to happen. Go all in or get out and just let S have a relationship with them. I just don't see much benefit from twisting yourself into a pretzel to try and eke some satisfaction out of a situation that always leaves you feeling on the outs.
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Last edited by nycindie; 03-13-2012 at 08:21 PM.
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Old 03-13-2012, 08:42 PM
LusciousLemon LusciousLemon is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Hmmm, I wonder why you're not happy and celebrating their news with them. Why are you so terrified? Here's an idea. Instead of focusing on what you will or will not be getting out of this situation, what about focusing on what you can give to the expectant mother as a friend? Instead of feeling left out, what can you offer to be more a part of everything? It just sounds like you have trouble stepping up and taking a stance, whether it is stating your needs plainly and clearly, asking for what you want, or taking the reins to participate with everyone rather than waiting for them to do what you hope for.

Might be time to call another meeting and have everyone sit down and discuss how this pregnancy will affect the living situation, and what all of you need to feel safe and secure in your relationships.

And if you're done with being involved with L and B, just make a choice instead of waiting around for something to happen. Go all in or get out and just let S have a relationship with them. I just don't see much benefit from twisting yourself into a pretzel to try and eke some satisfaction out of a situation that always leaves you feeling on the outs.
I think there are many factors to why I'm not happy and celebrating. First, this will make 6 children in the household, 5 under the age of 5 at the time the baby is born (really 5 under 4 for a few months). Secondly I think it draws into stark contrast the fact that I may never have another baby of my own that distinction shouldn't really matter, but right now it does for me. See, my partner is a Male to Female transsexual. Our children were all conceived before she began her transition and we did not bank any sperm for future use for financial reasons, and L has already indicated she does not feel she'll ever be comfortable "sharing B's seed" (I know that could change, I'm working on the emotions of now). Thirdly are all the pregnancy related issues that are likely to detract from what I feel is already very tenuous time I get to spend with anyone else in the household, including my own partner of 6 years (who, by the way, is very excited about this news).

I do realize my posts here are mostly whiny it's something I realize about myself and dislike and am trying to change but it's slow going. The way I process things is to identify all the things that could go wrong FIRST and then I have to talk myself through them (if I don't they just bury me). It sucks, I don't like it, I don't really know how to change it. I actually had JUST gotten finished discussing implementing a time management system to try to help me out with my very limited time with the adults in the house when this happened (we're talking a matter of hours before she walked into the room with the positive test). It just feels like every time I do step up something smacks me down.

As I said, I don't want to be done, I just don't know where to go or how to deal I guess. And I really have no one to talk it through with, because I can't talk to S about it because it makes her feel bad that I don't have what she has with them, then she talks about dropping her relationship with them because mine isn't there which just makes me feel worse and guilty. I know it probably seems that with the live in situation that there's a lot of time to work on relationship things, but honestly, there's not. With so many young children in the house most of the time is simply handling them. I get off work in the evenings, feed my children, change them, take them to bed, and often there's no time left at all after that.

I will try to think of what I can offer her as a friend etc. it's just hard when I already feel like my time is so full. (And for what it's worth, the only time I have to post here is downtime at work, so it's not like I'm using family time to post here, I stay off the internet entirely outside of work hours most of the time)
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Old 03-13-2012, 09:08 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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I feel bad for you Lemon. I can understand your exasperation.

At first,..just reading this post, I thought you were being pretty selfish worrying about yourself when there was a baby on the way. I then went and read your other thread,.....Wow, you have been a real stand-up kinda person. Seems as if you are trying really hard to be supportive, and just desiring to have smooth waters before any new issues are created.

I am not sure what I could say to steer you in the right direction, but I can say, I think you are entitled to your feelings, and they should be heard by those who care about you. You are definitely not crazy for feeling how you do.

Tell me, do L and B give you a feeling of 'fairness' outside social/romantic endeavours ? Do you feel they pull their weight in and around the house, paying bills, etc ? Have they taken anything for granted in that manner ?
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Old 03-13-2012, 09:30 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LusciousLemon View Post
I do realize my posts here are mostly whiny...
Well, I didn't think you sounded whiny, so I'm sorry if I seemed to say that. It just sounds like you are kind of drowning in quicksand, so to speak, and I am wondering how you could be more proactive to get yourself out of that dynamic. That includes asking for what you need and want. I think it's important to let S. know how you're feeling and ask for some kind of effort, or at least to try and take a different perspective for her to see what's going on, somewhere in between what is happening now and her breaking it off with them. Tell her you don't want to be guilt-tripped for feeling the way you do, but something has to change. But, hey, if S does decide to end her connection with them, there is no reason for you to feel guilty. Guilt does nothing for you, so try not to go there. People have to live with the consequences of their actions and if they break up it's not your fault, but theirs for the way they handled it thus far.

Maybe what you need to give L as a friend is the plain unvarnished truth!

Maybe if you wrote it out, made a list of what is being done and what isn't being done by L and B and S that contributes to you feeling left out and like it isn't working. See if your responsibilities are more weighted than theirs and express what you need from them to feel more balanced. Seeing it "itemized" might make it less gigantic and overwhelming and would be something that people could respond to and come up with specific remedies to fix those things. I dunno, maybe it couldn't hurt.
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Last edited by nycindie; 03-13-2012 at 11:26 PM.
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  #6  
Old 03-13-2012, 10:02 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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I haven't read your other thread yet but I can see how adding a new small person to a house already full of small people is going to be a major stress on your life. It also sounds like the news has come as a bit of a shock. While you're still in shock you're not going to have the capacity to be happy for her.

Even with her being pregnant there really isn't any reason to put a stop to forming a deeper relationship with her. It might not be on the same trajectory as you were expecting but it doesn't mean that the relationship will be any less meaningful.

As for you never having another child of your own you don't know that for certain right now. There might be someone who comes into your life at a later date with whom you will decide to have a child.
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Old 03-13-2012, 10:03 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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There's no reason you couldn't have another kid if you really wanted. You could use a sperm bank, ask a male friend for help, or adopt, just like any other lesbian couple would do.

Sorry, that's the extent of my useful advice at the moment! I think it's going to be ok though, even if maybe things should slow down even more, for all involved, in light of this news.
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Old 03-13-2012, 10:53 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I can see how you got that gut punched feeling. I don't blame you. Was this something that was discussed.. Meaning birth control. I think it's huge if you work from home ...This happening .in your home. The same home you generously opened to them. Are they getting back on their feet?
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Old 03-14-2012, 02:33 PM
LusciousLemon LusciousLemon is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
I feel bad for you Lemon. I can understand your exasperation.

At first,..just reading this post, I thought you were being pretty selfish worrying about yourself when there was a baby on the way. I then went and read your other thread,.....Wow, you have been a real stand-up kinda person. Seems as if you are trying really hard to be supportive, and just desiring to have smooth waters before any new issues are created.

I am not sure what I could say to steer you in the right direction, but I can say, I think you are entitled to your feelings, and they should be heard by those who care about you. You are definitely not crazy for feeling how you do.

Tell me, do L and B give you a feeling of 'fairness' outside social/romantic endeavours ? Do you feel they pull their weight in and around the house, paying bills, etc ? Have they taken anything for granted in that manner ?
I wanted to thank you (and everyone else) for looking beyond the initial view here. I really do want to be happy/excited and *for now* I haven't show them (L and B) otherwise (though I have discussed it with S). I think you hit the nail on the head in that I'd just like to have things going even decently for a short while before I feel like I get broadsided by something else.

I am trying very hard to figure out how to express my feelings to L and B without coming across as harsh or unsupportive. I will support L completely through this pregnancy, even if only as a friend, but that doesn't negate my feelings and I'm trying to figure out how to express that. I have a tendency either gloss things over or bash people over the head with them and I'm trying to find a middle ground, especially on this issue.

L really does almost more than her share in the house. She cooks pretty much all the meals (this is by her choice, cooking is stress relief for her), and often picks up after the children. L, S, and B (pretty much in that order) care for the 4 youngest children throughout the day and the oldest (8 years old and homeschooled) after he finishes his school work which I supervise while working myself. B has a slightly more than part-time job and they are attempting to get on their feet enough to contribute financially to the house but at the moment the financial contribution is a bit sketchy. We have been splitting food costs for now though, as they have been able to get food stamps due to their low income, so S and I's expenses really have not gone up too much since they moved in (but they haven't gone down either).

It's just still difficult. We are all very "attachment parenting" styled in our parenting. We believe in comforting our children if they are upset, even if it's after bedtime. So even if all the children are supposed to be in bed at 7pm if they are having difficult nights it may be that the biological mothers (L and I) are in and out of the children's sleeping areas multiple times over the course of the evening. Last night, for example, S left for work at 3:30pm I came down from work at 5pm and we all ate dinner quickly. L went to drop B off at work at 5:30. She came home and had a tutoring appointment so we piled all the children in the van to take her for that. When we got home (around 7pm) my 2 year old was asleep, she took her 2 children to bed at the same time. Around 8pm her 2 children were asleep and I needed to take my infant to bed so we basically swapped use of the main area of the house. I got my infant to sleep around 9:30 and her children woke up again needing comfort (and a potty break). She finished dealing with her children around 10:30 and my infant woke up needing to nurse again. By the time my infant was asleep again (and my 2 year old whom the infant woke) her 2 children were also asleep, but it was 11:30 and she was exhausted. Considering I have a self-imposed bedtime of midnight in order to get enough sleep to be sane we agreed (through text) that she should just go to sleep. So we saw each other for probably 2 minutes while passing each other in the hall.

This is a frequent enough occurance in the house that it severely limits our ability to spend time together and on some level I was looking forward to the aging of the general child populace of the house to lessen it, while instead now I have the addition of another needy infant to look forward to. L and B are still dealing with initial jealousy enough that they have a "both or none" rule for any physical intimacy beyond a quick kiss and the basic couch snuggle (which is all I've done with either of them at this point). I have no issues with this rule in theory, but considering the seeming near-impossibility of L and I both being child free and available at the same time it just really complicates matters all around.
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Old 03-14-2012, 02:48 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LusciousLemon View Post
We are all very "attachment parenting" styled in our parenting. We believe in comforting our children if they are upset, even if it's after bedtime.
This is unusual enough to have a name for it? I wouldn't think there would be any other way. A child is upset, comfort him or her. What are parents doing these days that this is unique? <sigh> Never mind my tangent, I'm child-free myself but just had to comment.


Quote:
Originally Posted by LusciousLemon View Post
L and B are still dealing with initial jealousy enough that they have a "both or none" rule for any physical intimacy beyond a quick kiss and the basic couch snuggle (which is all I've done with either of them at this point). I have no issues with this rule in theory, but considering the seeming near-impossibility of L and I both being child free and available at the same time it just really complicates matters all around.
Do you mean they have a rule that both of them must be involved sexually at the same time whenever they are with one of you? Or do they insist that it be both of them with both of you all the time?

I am glad to hear that they aren't slackers, at least, in the household duties and childraising. It does sound like one of the biggest challenges for you is to speak up and be heard.
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