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Old 01-04-2012, 06:41 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Default Bi Assumptions

Admittedly I've only been browsing the forum for 2 days, but I have noticed what seems to be a higher-than-average number of bisexual people here. I know there's some overlap of the LGBT and Poly communities, at least where I am, but here's what I've been wondering:

Do you think being Bi makes someone more likely to be open to the idea of poly? Does being attracted to more than one gender have an effect on the way we look at relationships in general?

I realized I was Bi before I realized I was poly, but looking back at my high school dating history I think being poly is why I'd break up with a guy when I wanted to go out with someone new. I didn't know dating both was even an option! (And dating girls wasn't an option at my high school back then. It just wasn't.)

The other reason for starting this thread (and for the title) is to vent- OHMYGOD I'm tired of people that I'm out to assuming that because I'm Bi and married to a male that I'm automatically looking for a female because that's "what you're missing" or some crap like that. No, actually, I'm Bi because I'm attracted to BOTH genders and fall for the PERSON, regardless of their gender. Most of my relationships have been with guys, turns out. Whether that's leftover social conditioning or because I have a tendency to pick the psycho chicks, I don't know. But I have my husband and my partner (both male) and I'm happy. As far as I'm concerned these relationships are for the rest of my life and are going to keep me more than busy enough- I'm not looking to add anyone else so me being Bi is sort of a moot point now.

So, have at it- a thread to talk about how being bi does or doesn't affect you being poly, or vice versa. Or realizing you were bi, or realizing you really WEREN'T bi. Whatever.

(And mods, if this is a duplicate I'm sorry! I checked the threads tagged "bisexuality" and didn't see anything that had been posted to in the past year or so that seemed similar.)
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Old 01-04-2012, 06:57 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Being bi led pretty directly to being poly for me. I figured out I was bi in late middle school, and by early high school I was actively fantasizing about being in a mff triad because how hot and perfect would that be?? From there I began learning more about the topic of multi-person relationships, learned the lingo, etc, and eventually came to let go of my idea of my "ideal", as so many do.
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Old 01-04-2012, 07:01 PM
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Castalia Castalia is offline
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I have often wondered the same thing. I'm not bi per-say just a little fuzzy on the lines and I hate labels. I am not against the idea of dating a women at some point but I also don't know many women and I am usually "one of the boys," so its not terribly likely to happen.
But regardless of that, I have this assumption that maybe bi-sexual people are just naturally a little more open minded. Like I said I don't know whether it is true but I have often wondered.
Another observation I have had is that there seem to be a large number of poly people who are gamers, (rpg's or mmo's), or who are members of alternative religions,(pagan or new age for example). Is this because these things require a person to think outside of the box or is there some other underlying commonality?
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Old 01-04-2012, 07:04 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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I am pretty much like you, GirlinGray. Being bi isn't WHY I'm poly. I just happen to be both. My first step into poly was actually with a secondary male partner. Right now I am in a relationship with another woman, but that is just the way it happened.

I do know a lot of married bi women, though, that would not say they are poly but would still be open to dating/a romantic relationship with another woman. So by definition they could be considered polyamorous (capable of loving more than one), but they don't consider the love for a man and the love for a woman to be the same kind of love, so they don't feel a need to change their status from monogamous to something more encompassing.
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Old 01-04-2012, 07:29 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Castalia View Post
Another observation I have had is that there seem to be a large number of poly people who are gamers, (rpg's or mmo's), or who are members of alternative religions,(pagan or new age for example). Is this because these things require a person to think outside of the box or is there some other underlying commonality?
Oooo, good point! All three of us are gamers (though I'm not much of a video gamer- FPS make me dizzy!) and we have an ex-JW, ex-Catholic, and ex-Baptist among us, so we're all practiced at throwing off some of the conditioning we got as kids.

We're all big sci-fi geeks too. I was a Heinlein fan LONG before I ever learned the word "polyamorous".
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Old 01-04-2012, 07:34 PM
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I think the connection is that both geeks and poly folks like to way overthink things and choose the more complicated options -- rolling up D&D characters instead of just watching sports, juggling multiple relationships instead of just practicing serial monogamy.
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Old 01-04-2012, 07:37 PM
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vanille vanille is offline
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I call myself bicurious. Though I also wonder sometimes if I'm asexual. So it's a dilemma. I did experiment in high school, though never past making out. I also developed what I could call 'crushes' on a couple of girls in high school. These were particular girls that I found very attractive and I just wanted to constantly be around. But I'm not exactly sure if that qualifies as a crush, as my crushes on boys had the added effect of butterflies in my stomach which was not necessarily the case with girls.

I could see myself dating a girl. I'm not positive if I could have sex with one. It's not that I think the idea is gross. I just have never really sexually fantasized about women going that far.

On the other hand, sometimes I wonder if I'm asexual. This makes me wonder if I'm allowed to be called bisexual at all. I am attracted to both sexes, however sex is not a natural drive for me. I'm not a extremely physical person (as far as kissing, sex, or PDA).

One argument I have for not disqualifying myself from being bisexual because of the possible asexuality is that I believe you can be heterosexual and asexual at the same time. I've been in a relationship with a man for ten years. I love him and am attracted to him. Just because sex isn't natural for me, doesn't mean I do not seek companionship.

And this leads to my final dilemma. If I am in fact bisexual AND asexual, I wonder how difficult it would be to date a girl. In the poly world, I would imagine she could have another to satisfy her sexually. However, I'm just not sure how likely that scenario is. Sometimes I imagine a V with my husband as the hinge would be for the best as then I can be close to the girl without necessarily having sex with her. Can a triad even be a possibility?

I think people who are bi may tend to be more open to the possibility of polyamory because they have already demonstrated that they are more open minded when it comes to love.

ETA: To not appear to be making a contradiction against my other threads -- while I contemplate being asexual, I do still have sex just about every other day with my husband. However, this is mainly because I know that it is important to him. I would probably never instigate if left to my own devices and would not be affected if he suddenly lost all of his sex drive.
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Last edited by vanille; 01-04-2012 at 07:39 PM.
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Old 01-04-2012, 07:39 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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My husband plays strategy games (used to LARP in high school), but nobody else that I know who is poly is a gamer. Fiona is atheist - looking into Buddhism. I still identify as Christian although I don't really believe any religion is right for me. However, I did practice shaking off societal norms years ago when Keith and I decided to start swinging so I'm sure that that helped me embrace this part of myself more than I realize.
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Old 01-04-2012, 07:40 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray View Post
Do you think being Bi makes someone more likely to be open to the idea of poly? Does being attracted to more than one gender have an effect on the way we look at relationships in general?
I have to say: no, at least not for me. I knew that I was bi since my last school years, when I was strongly attracted to a female friend. I didn't understand poly at all, when I first recognized that I fell in love with another man years later.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray View Post
I realized I was Bi before I realized I was poly,[...]

The other reason for starting this thread (and for the title) is to vent- OHMYGOD I'm tired of people that I'm out to assuming that because I'm Bi and married to a male that I'm automatically looking for a female because that's "what you're missing" or some crap like that. No, actually, I'm Bi because I'm attracted to BOTH genders and fall for the PERSON, regardless of their gender. Most of my relationships have been with guys, turns out. [...] But I have my husband and my partner (both male) and I'm happy. As far as I'm concerned these relationships are for the rest of my life and are going to keep me more than busy enough- I'm not looking to add anyone else so me being Bi is sort of a moot point now.
I just have to second all of this I have never been in love with a woman up to now, just generally feel a strong attraction. But I am not a person that falls in love easily, it has happened three times in my whole life up to now in a romantic way. The rest was just about physical attraction, curiosity and chance. Can't say that it will never happen, but I am not actively searching.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Castalia View Post
Another observation I have had is that there seem to be a large number of poly people who are gamers, (rpg's or mmo's)
Don't know if this is some kind of personality trait, but count us in. Lin and I are geeks/nerds by heart and very fond of everything that is out there rpg, mmo or generally video game-wise. Sward has some preferences as well, but they are special even in our opinion ^.^
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Old 01-04-2012, 07:41 PM
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vanille vanille is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by km34 View Post
Fiona is atheist - looking into Buddhism.
<snip>
I still identify as Christian although I don't really believe any religion is right for me.
I find it interesting -- the tie between Atheism and Buddhism. I see more and more Atheists (including myself) seeking something "a little more" and wondering if Buddhism could offer that.

Interesting. I always wondered how Christians deal with polyamory.

Oh. And I'm a gamer too!
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