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  #21  
Old 06-09-2009, 11:29 PM
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Danny40179 Danny40179 is offline
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Mono, I wish I could have you talk to someone who just doesn't get the poly lifestyle because she's mono. I'd love to have her as a part of our family, but that will never be. *sigh* Kudos to you for being open minded and understanding and being able to work through the concerns.
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  #22  
Old 06-10-2009, 12:03 AM
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Originally Posted by Danny40179 View Post
Mono, I wish I could have you talk to someone who just doesn't get the poly lifestyle because she's mono. I'd love to have her as a part of our family, but that will never be. *sigh* Kudos to you for being open minded and understanding and being able to work through the concerns.

Danny, although I wish I had the capacity to help someone understand it I don't. I honestly don't understand how someone loves more than one person intimately but I know it is real. Redpepper and her husband both know that it is my overwhelming love for her that enables me to overcome many challenges.

Sadly, I would probably never recommend a monogamous person to get involved in a polyamorous relationship. I also would not pursue another one if Redpepper and me were to split up either. In fact I would probably avoid any polyamorous person I started having feelings for. I would be honest and communicate but stay distant.

The differences between a mono and poly nature are much more than social in my case. They are fundamental. I have never felt so much love in a relationship but I have also never felt so much uncertainty, fear and pain. If I didn't love Redpepper with all my heart I would have surrendered to these feelings and ran for the hills lol!!

We are all lucky because somehow we were all brought together and everything just seems to fall into place. From my love for Redpepper to the love shared between me and everyone in her family, we have been blessed. It is not easy at times but immensely rewarding.

Sorry this probably isn't what you wanted to hear..but I have learned nothing from polyamory if I haven't learned to be honest
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  #23  
Old 06-10-2009, 11:26 PM
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Mono, I think it's pretty darn admirable that you are so mono, yet can accept the poly lifestyle of redpepper. That's gotta be tough.
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  #24  
Old 06-11-2009, 01:39 AM
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Mono, I think it's pretty darn admirable that you are so mono, yet can accept the poly lifestyle of redpepper. That's gotta be tough.
It's only possible because of the love we both have for each other and the help of her husband who has become a very close friend. It is not near as tough anymore..I am secure in so many ways, as is she. In fact, we have really moved into a new area of comfort for all of us just recently. We want this forever but try not to overthink the future as that is where we can get fearful. We also have learned not to let external stuff influence us as much.

This is about the three of us building something based on the love we share. At it's core is the undeniable fact that me and Redpepper love each other immensely and I am a positive in her life with her husband and son.

I am beyond lucky to get to experience even a little of her love. She is amazing.
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  #25  
Old 06-11-2009, 01:51 AM
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You sound the closest (with regard to deep love)to in my shoes as anyone on this forum. Deep longlasting love for my wife and our dear friend of 20+ years has led us to our trio and I also do feel extremely lucky. I hope it lasts forever for all 3 of us as we can function in one extremely cohesive unit and we all benefit form eachothers friendship and love. Thank God my wife embraced this with me.
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  #26  
Old 06-11-2009, 02:14 AM
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I hope it lasts forever for all 3 of us as we can function in one extremely cohesive unit and we all benefit form eachothers friendship and love.
I hope it lasts forever too I love your aproach to polyamory because it is similar to ours and one I can function within. It is community with like minded people that RedPepper and her husband are also seeking. Too bad you didn't live closer, sounds like we could all learn from each other.
Take care my friend
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  #27  
Old 06-12-2009, 02:45 AM
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Amen Mono......many happy years for you and Redpepper and her husband.
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  #28  
Old 07-03-2009, 02:44 PM
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I'd like to hear form other Life Loves aka "secondaries" (sorry for the term) on this issue. What you need, want, and feel comfortable with.

If anything I have more restrictive rules and expect less than Redpepper and her husband LOL! It is so funny to race with her husband for the back seat with thier son. I'm sure we totally confuse those around us who don't know the dynamic of our relationship.

Redpepper and her husband go out of thier way to make sure I feel welcome and get close time with her when we are all together. I actually don't even worry about it! Being viewed and interacting as a "close friend" is fine by me. What are your thoughts?
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  #29  
Old 11-15-2011, 03:10 PM
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This is an old thread, and people have moved on from these situations. But I found these thoughts extremely helpful.

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Originally Posted by River View Post
There's something very contrived and artificial about trying to insure that everyone is getting equal signs of affection. Imagine someone counting up minutes, seconds..., trying to be sure not to favor one person over another in an openning couple such as Kevin and I have (are)?! That's just not relaxed enough. Sure, it would be terrible to be left out of the affection entirely, but, you know, nature has sunny days and rainy ones..., things are in flux. We ought to let ourselves be natural about it. It won't rain on anyone all of the time -- nor will the sun always shine on anyone. Too much worry about "equal treatment" is as bad or worse than actual inequality of affection and love.
I completely agree with this. There are differences in feelings and differences in wants and needs and relationships with different people. It's obvious really, when written down, but something I am working to learn so well it becomes natural.

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I am here for a long time and don't feel a need to try to cram as much of her time in as I can. That would imply there is an end. I feel no end to this and therefore have a freedom to just enjoy
This is important! We have all the time in the world, there's no hurry. I think this is one of the most important things for me to enable me to worry less and live more.
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  #30  
Old 11-16-2011, 10:16 PM
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Oh man this is an old thread! Nice! nice to have the chance to look back. Thanks rory.

I still do what I did back then. I give out kisses and hugs evenly. I don't think its contrived at all. I think its respectul and shows I am considerate to all my partners. I also consider how much I can take on and respect their independence as well as my own. Falling all over them and hanging on their every word with doey eyes just isn't part of the equation

I do behave differently in private with different partners. I have different language with them all and a different way of expressing myself. When we are all together I have a way of being that comes from us being together. If that makes sense. Its not put on. It comes naturally.

It has indeed been a long haul so far.
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