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Old 07-19-2012, 02:12 AM
RunningMan RunningMan is offline
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 35
Default Is this normal?

Well I explained the situation to my partner of 10 yrs that I wanted to open up the relationship via an email and for him to talk when he's ready. That was earlier today and he hasn't said anything since. We have a mutual friend that is flying in tomorrow and he refuses to see him, because in his words "He doesn't want to be with me." He also has taken off his ring.

I know he usually goes overboard on things, but this just seems off the wall.
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Old 07-19-2012, 02:29 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 624

I think a big reaction is probably normal. I mean, seemingly out of nowhere he finds out that you want to completely change the parameters of your relationship. Combined with your history of cheating, he probably has a lot of thinking to do about what he wants to do.

Why not let him know you understand that he needs time to process, but that you think it's unfair for him to refuse to the see the friend? You could offer to give them a couple of hours to catch up without you being around, that way he doesn't miss out on an opportunity to see someone he cares about because of the stuff going on with you. I would think showing some understanding about what he's going through at this time would help him remember why he's with you in the first place and could help him accept that the conversation needs to happen.
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Old 07-19-2012, 04:29 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,219

Keep in mind you have been thinking this out, posting on forums for support, sitting with it for a while.

Where he's just gotten the word. So he may be internally in emotional whirlwind storm. Have to let it all blow on through before getting to the "sit with it sensibly" time.

We do not choose to feel what we feel when we feel it. We only get to choose how to respond. We can choose to REACT to strong emotion, or ACT WITH INTENT.

I wouldn't comment to him at this point how his feelings are "overboard." His feelings are what they are. *shrug* He cannot control what he feels, when he feels it, or the volume that they come in on. He can only control how to respond. I'm pretty sure he is aware it's LOUD in there. He's living it.

"Grace under pressure" is another learned skill. For now it is enough to acknowledge that he is under pressure of great emotional storm. Just getting through it in one piece is success, even if bedraggled and mussed up in the process. Just cross the finish line. Worry about placing for a medal in the marathon some other time as skills grow. Just cross it for now in THIS situation is GREAT for him. I would not appreciate my partner asking me how come I didn't place GOLD. Sheesh!

(But if this is indeed chronic, what's up with his avoidy of growing personal communication skills? Emotional management skills? To be a good partner to you and not have you dealing with chronic fly off the handle dude? Is it your delivery? Is it his skills base? Both? Something to note here, if not bring UP here at this time.)

You could...
  • Be supportive
  • Reassure you aren't just being a "Mr Dictator" who has declared this an open relationship. You are not rejecting him or breaking up with him.
  • Affirm you are stating a want. You would like to be open if it is possible here. You want his feedback on that idea. Is it possible?
  • Affirm he has a voice. You want to hear HIS wants, needs, and limits.
  • Affirm you aren't just going to ACT on it without his input. We are talking here.

There's rights and responsibilities in relationship.

You want to ACT WITH INTENT, with your partner, and in right relationship.

There's an idea you want to talk about. And if it's not a runner of an idea, it's not a runner. And you both will deal with that next step together. One thing at a time.

But the micro-baby-step you are on here? You shared some news. It's being received in emotional storm.

1) How to help partner thru emotional storm?
2) Why such storm? Are there other needs being unmet that caused this whirlwind? What can we learn here?
3) In future how do you want to be approach with Big Talk stuff? Was I too brusque in my delivery? Timing not good? Something else?
4) Kiss and make up and move on, having learned new things in your rship on how to better be together.
5) Make appt to revisit this idea thing and if it is gonna be on the table or not, and if so, HOW? If not, can you let it go? Is it a breaker upper thing?

The nice things about rship appts is that you can always make another. You do not HAVE to solve it all in one day.

I think right now he's REACTING to strong emotion. So try to support him through that and when he's not in the heat of emotion, then perhaps you can talk more calm.

As for the guest -- it's a drag, yes. But if you knew a guest was coming, and you drop this on partner NOW? Well... Not everyone is up for having guests when there's internal emotional brouhaha! Maybe you put your need to tell ahead of the need for it to be received at a less stressy time than when a houseguest is coming. This idea news could sit. It's important to you, but I don't see the urgency.

Ask partner what you want to do about the guest. Reschedule guest because there's a family emergency? (Guest doesn't have to know all your nitty gritty details. And your own rship health counts as family emergency.) Have guest visit but let partner off hook for hosting duties?

Work it out. But let partner know you value him and his needs. Apologize for the timing flub. It was not from ill wish or malice.

Some people like a "back off I need space" approach and other people want "be closer, I need company in my wiggy" style. Or some other mix and match thing. But talk to your partner.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-19-2012 at 05:40 AM.
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