Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 03-12-2012, 12:56 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,423
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by FrankLee View Post
Glad to see you are an early riser, Cindie. I've been up since 5:00am.
Oh, no, I'm not an early riser. I'm an insomniac and have been up all night.

Quote:
Originally Posted by FrankLee View Post
Thanks for the input. Guess the "P" word can be scary to some. Putting it in softer language sounds like a good idea.
I think so, especially since people have misconceptions about the word polyamory and think it means swinging or is all about sex.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 03-26-2012, 11:21 AM
FrankLee's Avatar
FrankLee FrankLee is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 48
Default Second Poly Date

My first poly date, a couple of weeks ago, was not a promising event. It was a connection on the Polymatchmaker site, and I seem to have pretty much exhausted the possibilities there. Not a lot of potential partners there within close driving range.

So, I posted a profile at OKCupid, a much busier site. I decided to be upfront and mention "intentional polyamory." Well, that sure weeded out the possibilities, but at the same time, it cleared up any confusion ahead of time, so I didn't have to announce the surprise later.

Of about 50 women who have looked at my profile in a few days, only two have responded. Well, I did get one other response that dismissed polyamory as "abusive." Don't really know what that meant.

So, this Wed. I'm meeting one of my respondents, who, at 59, is much closer to my age than my first poly date. We have had a brisk email correspondence, and she is actually "dating" a couple of other men. I think she actually spent last weekend with one of them.

So, it appears that we are at least on a common ground of understanding to start with.
__________________

Frank is an unattached recovering monogamist, poly dating straight male.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 03-26-2012, 12:29 PM
strixish strixish is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 50
Default

I think it's a good idea to put the P word front and center, before even the first date. I don't think I'd go on a first date, anyway, if the person didn't already know that about me.

I met the new guy I'm dating on OKC (where I really just had a profile up so I could snoop around other people's profiles, out of curiosity, and maybe make new friends). My profile mentioned polyamory, and a pretty full dance card (and bisexuality, which is a turn-off for some lesbians), because I didn't want to start making friends with someone if either of those things are deal breakers for them.

It's good to have the information out there.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 03-27-2012, 06:08 PM
FrankLee's Avatar
FrankLee FrankLee is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 48
Default Using the "P" word.... or not.

Thanks, Strixish, for the feedback, and the courage to call a thing by it's name. However, by the time I read your post, I had already changed my OKCupid profile to delete the "Polyamory" word, yet try to say it in another way. I had realized that so many people misunderstand, or had never heard the word. In fact, once, someone called me a polygamist.

So, my current monogamy disclaimer reads:
"Leaning toward a limited and respectful re-definition of relationship patterns (in a more flexible manner) as a fair and realistic approach to how men and women connect in a positive and helpful way. We are all unique and there can't be one pattern that fits all."

Now that says a lot, or says nothing... I can't decide. NYCindie says that she waits for the first face to face meeting to elaborate, and only then uses the word: non-exclusive. That may work for a woman, but I think a man needs to clear the air quicker. Certainly, I will clarify it in the first couple of emails, if I get some, that is.
__________________

Frank is an unattached recovering monogamist, poly dating straight male.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 03-29-2012, 01:39 PM
FrankLee's Avatar
FrankLee FrankLee is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 48
Default 2nd Poly date done

Well, I had a very interesting experience while eating crab dip on pita bread (unfortunately smothered in scallions.) She scarfed down a burger with more relish than I had hoped for. I had been thinking that there are four ingredients or more to compatibility. 1) agreement on non-monogamy 2) similar political views 3) compatible personalities 4) physical attraction.

One and two seemed very good. She is actually involved with two other guys, and admits that, with at least one of them the "sex is great." On three, things were a bit awkward and stiff to start with, but after an hour she relaxed and seemed to be very personable. But, on #4, I just was not inspired to heights of passion. That's pretty essential for me, so I'm afraid this one won't work.

It's unfortunate, because in every other respect, it looked like a good match.
__________________

Frank is an unattached recovering monogamist, poly dating straight male.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 03-29-2012, 06:02 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,350
Default

FrankLee,

Reading your non-monogamy non-description, I would take a pass on your profile. That makes little sense and seems mealy-mouthed and obscuring. It doesn't work for me because it is double talk. That said I prefer things more direct than most. Other women will have different reactions.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 03-30-2012, 05:51 AM
Emm's Avatar
Emm Emm is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 787
Default

I'm with opalescent.

I've found it's usually the guys who are trying to disguise the fact that they just want sex who include a line like that. Just say what you want.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 03-30-2012, 10:19 AM
FrankLee's Avatar
FrankLee FrankLee is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 48
Default A balanced observation

Were the above criticism accurate and fair, I would willingly admit it, but it is so far from the truth, I must say something. To say that my description of flexible relationships (without using the word: polyamory) is a ploy used by men for sex is baffling to me. Particularly after I had just referred to NYCindie's (a woman) approach that she mentioned above in this same thread.

She said: "You'd be surprised how many people are open to polyamory without ever having heard the word. In fact, I rarely bring the P-word up when I date. I just say I prefer to be non-exclusive. And sometimes this doesn't even come up in a first date. I like to see how I hit it off with someone."

Except for my two year relationship with Pearl, that ended 1 1/2 yrs. ago, five of the last seven yrs of my life have been celibate. Polyamory is too much hard work to be in it just for sex, for a man or a woman.
__________________

Frank is an unattached recovering monogamist, poly dating straight male.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 03-30-2012, 11:07 AM
Emm's Avatar
Emm Emm is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 787
Default

So say that. Don't try to dress it up so much that it looks like something entirely different.

At no point did I say you were clearly just after sex. I said that what you had written looks a lot like what guys who just want sex write. If you don't want to be mistaken for a duck don't walk, fly, and quack like one.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 03-30-2012, 12:48 PM
Derbylicious's Avatar
Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 1,603
Default

Really is there anything wrong with stating exactly what you're looking for and narrowing down the dating pool? There doesn't seem to be a lot of point in dating people who aren't compatible with what you're looking for. If you're vague there are going to be people who reply to you who will feel like they're being led on. What you've put in your profile and what nycindie has put in her profile are very different. Yours doesn't really say anything whereas nycindie is specific that she wants to be non-exclusive. You don't have to use the word polyamory but you should let people know what type of relationship structure you're looking for. "I'm not looking to date anyone exclusively but I do believe in forming lasting, loving relationships." is a good way to put it which doesn't mention polyamory but still isn't at all vague.
__________________
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
age difference, dating, dating dynamics, dating sites, single and dating

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:59 PM.