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Old 03-28-2012, 02:27 AM
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balance2134 balance2134 is offline
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Default Finding someone who understands

Ok here's my Dilemma, I'm very new in the poly lifestyle after a rough patch and some semi honest talking with my wife we decided to try this life. (I'll come back to why it's semi honest later). She has had no problem reconnecting with ex lovers and meeting new ones to explore and express herself with. I am by no means jealous of it either when she decides to let me know about them.( that's why its semi honest. She doesn't feel the need to tell me). I on the other hand can not seem to find anyone who gets my life choice and is willing to date me or even just sleep with me. I feel that's I'm a fairly attractive man with great qualities but little luck. Please any advice? Oh by the way I'm in Wisconsin.
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Old 03-28-2012, 04:16 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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If you search around the forum, you will find many threads about this disparity. The pattern seems to be that most partnered women will have more opportunities to date than their male partner. There are many theories about this. My favorite is that men act like men and women act like women. Men are generally more willing to take a chance on something unconventional like poly because there is the possibility of sex. Women typically are more concerned about the negative consequences of sex and are broadly less likely to take that same risk. Do note that I am firmly in the camp that this is the result of societal norms and that men and women respond and react to the pressures, expectations and roles placed upon them. And of course individual experiences vary greatly.

Ok, discourse over. I am curious about your personal interaction preferences. Is your wife more outgoing? Have more friends? If so, yes, she had an advantage in meeting and interacting with potential partners. Your level of introversion or extroversion is hard to change fundamentally. It's something to know about yourself and think about how, if you are more reserved, to get yourself social in ways that you like and enjoy.

Finally you may not be jealous but this unequal situation does bug you in some fashion. Try to figure out why. This can only help you down the road when you are jealous or upset. (Hey, jealousy, envy, possessiveness happens to just about everyone at some point, even experienced poly folk.) Also, it's not a race. You nor she have nothing to prove.

I will tell you what my aunt told me when I was small and pissed off about something. Life is not fair. This is one of those times when it will likely never 'even up' in your favor. But you can get to a place where your relationship feels balanced and equitable for the two of you.
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Old 03-28-2012, 05:40 AM
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balance2134 balance2134 is offline
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We are both outgoing people. I know exactly in what fashion the situation bugs me. Its due to the fact that when I ask my wife if she's seeing other people she lies and says she's not. Even though Shea been seen with and.I've heard her setting up secret rendezvous with these men. I've confronted her on it and she just gets defensive and says I'm being insecure
I just calmly remind her that the only way our primary relationship can stay healthy is if we are both honest.
and your aunt was right life isn't fair lol
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Old 03-28-2012, 06:39 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by balance2134 View Post
We are both outgoing people. I know exactly in what fashion the situation bugs me. Its due to the fact that when I ask my wife if she's seeing other people she lies and says she's not. Even though Shea been seen with and.I've heard her setting up secret rendezvous with these men. I've confronted her on it and she just gets defensive and says I'm being insecure
I just calmly remind her that the only way our primary relationship can stay healthy is if we are both honest.
and your aunt was right life isn't fair lol

1st bold: Lying about it = cheating. If she doesn't get that, you have bigger things to worry about then how to meet new people. What she is doing is not polyamory. Adding people to an already bad situation is NOT going to solve anything.

2nd bold: You are absolutely correct, but is it really healthy right now? If my partner consistently went behind my back and then proceeded to lie about when approached, I would definitely NOT regard our relationship as a healthy one.
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Old 03-28-2012, 07:03 AM
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Somegeezer Somegeezer is offline
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Don't use hearsay as factual evidence. Just because she's been seen with other people, doesn't mean she's sleeping with them. =P Why would she only tell you about SOME of them? I imagine it is your own paranoia, and that is certainly not going to help things.

You also say that it was after a rough patch that you both decided on poly? What was this rough patch? I'm assuming between the two of you? Which to me, says you weren't healthy in this relationship in the first place. Opening your life to other people when you are already in a sticky spot, is another thing that will not help you both.

Get a hold of your paranoia and don't push the subject when asking without hard evidence. If she says no [and you don't have real evidence to prove otherwise], just take it as the truth. ("Innocent until proven guilty", as it were.)

As for you not getting the same attention as her, YOU ARE A MAN. As harsh as that reality may be, we are just not easily trusted by women, when we say our relationships are just open to other people pinning us down and riding us like seabiscuit. =P Desperation is easily seen through, too. It's a huge turn off for anyone who isn't also desperate.
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Old 03-28-2012, 11:18 AM
strixish strixish is offline
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I agree with the others on this. If she's lying to you, that's a problem. If she's not lying, but you're convinced that she is, that's a problem.

Both of these are much bigger problems than you not being able to find someone. In fact, it's possible that with one of these problems going on, any potential dates who pick up on it will run for the hills.
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Old 03-28-2012, 01:01 PM
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balance2134 balance2134 is offline
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I do have actual physical proof that she is sleeping with these men. Our rough patch was over and I believed we were in a good place before we decided to be poly. Then I found out she was seeing these men without informing me and our number one rule was to.be honest no matter what.
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Old 03-28-2012, 02:28 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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In your intro thread you stated that you both have different visions of how you'd like this to operate. You also stated that early in your marriage she had cheated on you. Her appetite for romance and or sex is what drove you to explore this lifestyle so as to eliminate the cheating element.

Either you are not articulating clearly the boundaries drawn and importance of honesty ...and the effect and damage that the cheating has done in the past....or she doesn't give a shit. Do you think she doesn't get it? Do you think you haven't been clear enough? Or is she just very selfish and is going to do this the way she wants .... fuck the boundaries ...fuck the consequences. You're just being insecure ... suck it up bitch.

Last edited by dingedheart; 03-28-2012 at 07:16 PM.
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Old 03-28-2012, 05:55 PM
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balance2134 balance2134 is offline
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I think she's more like he's too blinded by his love to see what I'm doing!
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  #10  
Old 03-28-2012, 06:03 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by balance2134 View Post
I think she's more like he's too blinded by his love to see what I'm doing!
AKA she doesn't give a shit.

It seems like you need to reevaluate your relationship. Are you willing to remain there if things stay the way they are? If not, what needs to happen for you to be comfortable in the relationship? What are you willing to do to prove to her that your love DOESN'T blind you? Actions speak louder than words. If you act the same towards her as you always have, then that is going to override you saying "this is a problem."
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