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Old 03-10-2012, 07:39 AM
LadyKane's Avatar
LadyKane LadyKane is offline
Join Date: Nov 2011
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Smile Iím in a new situation and could use some advice....

Hey everyone,
Warning: This is long. I've been told I write just like I talk, whatever that means, haha.

So, short backstory: XIV (husband)-always loved the idea of polyamory. Me-same. 6 months ago, he was looking for a fwb, and he connected with a guy on OKC, Mr. Glasses. They hit it off, and hubby said ďI like himĒ. I freaked out. BAD. I felt betrayed (long story. I wasnít, but it felt that way because of lack of communication) and Mr. Glassesí wife vetoed them getting together before it got too far, because of my feelings (she and I were communicating fairly well, ironically.) and XIV and I took a break from looking for outside sex or anything, while I processed my feelings, that had been so surprising.

I am currently working on a blog all about this whole process, and my inner workings as I worked through my trust/abandoment/self loathing issues. Iíve made some substantial progress, actually, but more on that later..... my current situation is as follows:

So, when Mr. Glasses and XIV didnít end up meeting, Mr. Glasses told XIV to get in contact if I ever started feeling better about it. And XIV was great, he didnít push me or try and convince me to let him be with Mr. Glasses, or anything. Iíd initiate conversations about polyamory based on a thread Iíd have read on here, and eventually the conversation would turn to Mr. Glasses, as he was the only hint of practical experience we had.

Now, over the last 6 months, Iíve made leaps in bounds in lots of ways, and I really feel a lot more secure in my marriage, mostly because I am a lot more secure in myself, and my own needs. So Iíve been rolling the idea around in my head for about a week, of telling XIV that if he wants to, he should get a hold of Mr. Glasses, and see about setting up a date. They are a lot alike, and could have a lot of fun together, and I so want to be okay with this.

Then yesterday, I almost said it... it was on the tip of my tongue, but I got that scared feeling, and swallowed it. The jealousy (foreign to me) and pain almost ripped me apart last time. Thatís scary to consider embarking back on. But I feel a lot healthier in general, so itís not buried deep. The comment to him was just under the surface. It was coming sooner rather than later. Iím ready to step from polyamory theory, to polyamory practice.

And then, last night, we were talking and long story short, he asked me how Iím feeling about him seeing Mr. Glasses. I did some thinking and we did some out loud processing, and boundary hashing, and I agreed. I think itís a good idea. And afterwards I felt good. No deep feelings of fear or jealousy. Mostly just anticipation of the next step in this journey.

So he talked to Mr. Glasses today, and they have a coffee date set for next Thursday. When XIV told me, I had a momentary panic, but then breathed through it, and was genuinely okay with it.

However, I now have the reality of my husband is going on a date on Thursday. Iím excited for him, but scared, though optimistic. Any advice for when your partner goes on their first date after opening a relationship up? Any experiences that might help, or keywords I can search to get more info, though Iíve read quite a chunk in the last 6 months, haha.
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Old 03-10-2012, 07:51 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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You could look at the threads on jealousy in the tags. Those might help. What works for me is to have my own plan. Start considering what I want to fill my time with as an independent person from my partners. Then going about achieving my own activities.
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Old 03-10-2012, 04:40 PM
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nancyfore nancyfore is offline
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Though I have no advise for the situation your in, I agree with Red that this is your opportunity to do somethings you've wanted to get done, maybe start a new hobby to get your mind off of their date. But I wanted to say hooray for you.. You seemed to have come along way and your "breathing thru" the moment of apprehension is awesome.. As I read your post I got excited for you in your growth!!
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