Polyamory and me?

[KyleKat]

Not to Hijack the thread but I have always wondered your story since I first read your signature, Jane.

Welcome to the board street racer.

[StreetRacer]

thanks for the welcomes and feedback!
the glossary def helped lol
... are unicorns necessarily female??
btw saw the unicorn flow chart, that was hilarious!
while im not into bdsm, i do seem to take the more submissive role i think

[redpepper]

I am not finding anything particularly weird about your first post. Then again I fully believe that "different" is the new norm. Peoples desire and understanding of themselves changes throughout life. This is where you are at now, it might or might not change.

I know a few men that like men and butchy women. The men I dated tended to be like that for a time as I was lesbian identified for ten years and enjoyed being butchy. Now I'm dominant and more feminine, although I can go butch on your ass at the drop of a hat! lol. I am tending towards more masculine men as I get older. Its all very interesting to experience the eb and flow.

I don't know where you live, but in my life there are all sorts of wierdos. I suggest going to find some. It doesn't seem as weird after awhile. In fact, "regular" people seem weird to me now.

[StreetRacer]

Originally Posted by redpepper

I am not finding anything particularly weird about your first post. Then again I fully believe that "different" is the new norm. Peoples desire and understanding of themselves changes throughout life. This is where you are at now, it might or might not change.

I know a few men that like men and butchy women. The men I dated tended to be like that for a time as I was lesbian identified for ten years and enjoyed being butchy. Now I'm dominant and more feminine, although I can go butch on your ass at the drop of a hat! lol. I am tending towards more masculine men as I get older. Its all very interesting to experience the eb and flow.

I don't know where you live, but in my life there are all sorts of wierdos. I suggest going to find some. It doesn't seem as weird after awhile. In fact, "regular" people seem weird to me now.

thanks RP
this post made me feel a lil better
im interested to read your blog!

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by StreetRacer

im interested to read your blog!

Do you have a lifetime, lol

[lindalen1111]

sounds like an interesting dilemma. I find having more than 1 sexual partner (and bringing them together for threesomes and so on) a very good enhancer to my life. It keeps me on my toes, it keeps me stimulated and things are always fairly wild and fun, so i would definitely encourage everyone to forget the 'norms' of societ and do what feels right! Maybe having one partner is not for everyone. I don't believe 'monogomy' is actually a real natural state, i think its a by product of social conventions. In terms of evolution, don't you think it makes sense, for survival of the fittest, if offsprings are created from as many different type of DNA structures as possible, which means a continuous strive for optimal gene combinations.

I know i'm beating off the track a bit here.. but in short... just have fun! do what you want do, what feels right, what doesn't hurt others (keep honest relationships).. and you will find a life of plenty!

Lin x

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by lindalen1111

I don't believe 'monogomy' is actually a real natural state, i think its a by product of social conventions. In terms of evolution, don't you think it makes sense, for survival of the fittest, if offsprings are created from as many different type of DNA structures as possible, which means a continuous strive for optimal gene combinations.

I think we have kinda proven over and over again on this forum that this is just not the case. Have a look in the search engine for "mono/poly" and you will see that people are actually monogamous

It might not work for you, and yes, in part it is a by-product of social conventions, but it works for others. I think the key to it all is to believe in diversity. Difference is the new norm... that means all differences, mainstream ones also. I think that when people say that monogamy is socially constructed that they are actually being as close minded as those that say poly people just want sex or that bisexuals are sitting on the fence. It feels good to say such things and puff ourselves up (I have been there too), but really, its not truthful as far as I can see.

I would argue that serial monogamy is the norm really. Cheating too. This is what I have seen in my years being a non-monogamy relationship geek.

p.s. lindalen1111 I just sent you a PM please check it.

[MeeraReed]

Originally Posted by redpepper

I think we have kinda proven over and over again on this forum that this is just not the case. Have a look in the search engine for "mono/poly" and you will see that people are actually monogamous

It might not work for you, and yes, in part it is a by-product of social conventions, but it works for others. I think the key to it all is to believe in diversity. Difference is the new norm... that means all differences, mainstream ones also. I think that when people say that monogamy is socially constructed that they are actually being as close minded as those that say poly people just want sex or that bisexuals are sitting on the fence. It feels good to say such things and puff ourselves up (I have been there too), but really, its not truthful as far as I can see.

Every time someone here voices the idea that monogamy might not be natural behavior for humans, they are quickly silenced and scolded for being close-minded.

That's certainly not the same as "proving over and over again" that monogamy is a natural state.

The reason this keeps coming up again and again is that it's NOT a closed issue.

Of course monogamy works for some people. And lots of people identify as mono and/or practice monogamy by either choice or orientation or both. Nothing wrong with that.

But there is plenty of evidence that humans (both male and female) evolved with a need for sexual variety (and with a need to bond emotionally over sex too). To make this observation does not mean one is being close-minded about mono people!

Serial monogamy and cheating occur because lifetime monogamy is extremely difficult for many (possibly most) humans.

That doesn't mean everyone should be poly. But it does mean there's a lot more to it than a mono/poly dichotomy.

And it does mean there is something seriously warped about society's (current mainstream American society, in my case) expectations for monogamy. I am not saying this out of unhealthy resentment or to "puff myself up" as a poly-ish person. This is an issue that is genuinely important to me.

On the other hand, whether monogamy is a natural state or not isn't at all relevant to how people want or choose or need to live their lives. It's not natural for humans to live in permanent houses and eat processed foods either--but I am happy doing both those things.

[Lemondrop]

Originally Posted by MeeraReed

...But there is plenty of evidence that humans (both male and female) evolved with a need for sexual variety (and with a need to bond emotionally over sex too). To make this observation does not mean one is being close-minded about mono people!

Whatever evidence we have on evolution, I believe that what RP is referring to is the fact that *some people identify as monogamous in real life*. Right now. And they live it, whether it's hard or not. The statement that "monogamy isn't actually a natural state" is either incorrect, or stating that these people are identifying incorrectly, or stating that they are unnatural. It would probably be more correct to say, "I believe that monogamy is not natural for most people".

Furthermore, saying "monogamy isn't natural" sounds an *awful* lot like the prejudiced statements issued over the last few centuries about minority groups. Wasn't Victorian sentiment that it wasn't natural for women to spend time on intellectual matters? I don't care what evidence you have or what your opinion is, no one rule is 100% true for 100% of the population, and what *I* choose to do with my life, as long as it harms none, is *natural for me*, and the same goes for you.

Originally Posted by MeeraReed

...On the other hand, whether monogamy is a natural state or not isn't at all relevant to how people want or choose or need to live their lives. It's not natural for humans to live in permanent houses and eat processed foods either--but I am happy doing both those things.

Agreed. And quoted for repeated emphasis.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by Lemondrop

I believe that what RP is referring to is the fact that *some people identify as monogamous in real life*. Right now.

We have seen it here have we not. I am not making this shit up.... read the threads on it and see. How can one argue that monogamy doesn't exist when they read what monogamous people have written here about their journey in polyamory. How is it scolding, silencing, and accusing someone of being closed minded to point out that when you do a tag search on "mono/poly" you can read for your self that monogamy exists?

Originally Posted by MeeraReed

Every time someone here voices the idea that monogamy might not be natural behavior for humans, they are quickly silenced and scolded for being close-minded.

Quite frankly I see this quote as scolding, silencing and closed minded actually.

now that that is said and done...

Monogamy means different things to different people. Mainstream monogamy right now in history is flawed in my opinion. I don't believe that EVERY monogamous person follows the mainstream though. Monogamy doesn't mean ownership or the set of rules that we have been handed. It simply means loving one person at a time. Everything else can be created to suit those in the relationship, just as poly people do when creating relationships, only they love more than one.

Healthy relationships is all that really matters to me and I believe that healthy monogamous relationships can exist without ownership issues and with just as much freedom. freedom in commitment sometimes. To me is comes down to a way of doing relationships, not how many one is having them with. Its just not a poly or mono issue to me... monogamous mainstream politics is a whole other thing and I think it gets confused with the basics of some peoples relationship theory.