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  #51  
Old 03-10-2012, 09:41 AM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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Jesus. Over 1K views for this thread. That is amazing. I love you guys.

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Originally Posted by freyamarie View Post
I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for sharing this experience. I wish I had gotten to read about such a thing before I got to experience it for myself.

Thank you also for modeling so well thoughtfulness. You absolutely humble my inflated ego with how amazingly mature you are....my 42 year old self often judges that someone must not be very evolved yet if they are under a certain age...and the irony is always a good wake-up call for me to see people much younger than I who are more evolved than I am just yet. You rock!
It takes constant work. I am pretty immature when it comes to joking around (nothing funnier than a penis or butt joke) but I am pretty mature in other areas of my life. The majority of issues my wife and I have had in the past are the fact that I am not very helpful when it comes to chores and the like. Not because I don't want to do them, but because I am quite lazy. Being mature enough to work on the house and get things taken care of is very difficult for me.

As far as this situation, and emotions in general, I've always kind of considered myself more mature. I know the norms are that the younger you are the more ridiculous you are and a lot of that has to do with experience but another portion is mindset. I've always had one goal in mind: Have a family. I met that goal, and everything else is just gravy.

Thanks for taking the time to read the story. I'm always willing to discuss this event, or really anything, further as well. If you want to talk to me about anything just PM me. This is directed at anyone, not just the person I'm quoting. Talking is how I cope and I'd love to have someone I could talk to on a daily basis that understands how I feel. The people I talk to most are people that just don't understand. Le sigh.

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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
hey Kylekat. Have you looked at "The Five Love Languages?" Its a book that describes five love languages that we feel loved by. Being touched, cuddled, etc. is not a strictly "female" thing. For example, I live with two touch centric men and I am not. I am female. I have noted, from talking about this book, that most people feel loved when they are touched. You are one, and so are other men. Please consider your possible generalizations on this one...
I have not looked at the book you mentioned. I know it's not strictly a female thing but that is how the general populace sees it. As it is said in TV, "That touchy feely crap". I have always been this way and I have come to terms with it a long time ago. I also learned that it's not male/female. It's unique to the person.

Edit: I now understand why they call alcohol a downer. I was offered a new job today (promotion, woot!) and it was a friend's birthday party so I went out and got blitz drunk. After a very long night (ended at 3 AM at a friend's house) I walked to my car (a very sobering walk) and as I neared my car (which was a damn long walk away lol) I realized how upset I was. Then I wondered why I was upset. So I thought about it, and I realized that I'm upset with the idea of them being together but when I actually consider that they are together, I am fine. What? Brain, stop fucking with me. Just because I soaked you in a terrible mess of alcohol for the past 9 hours is no reason for you to sabotage me. Luckily, I've already thought about this for days on hand so I was quickly able to rationalize that it was just the alcohol. Good thing because I was moments away from drunk dialing her.

Lesson number 30283 learned.

PS: I should mention that I never, ever get drunk. It took two drinks to get me drunk (crown and coke). The shot, and two more drinks later, and I don't remember any drinks after that. I think I was just picking up and drinking whatever I found at that point. I remember everything except drinking more drinks. They are sneaky! Like ninja drinks.
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"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is the regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." - Sydney Smith

Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old

Last edited by KyleKat; 03-10-2012 at 09:53 AM.
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  #52  
Old 03-10-2012, 11:14 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I can relate to your feeling a bit uncared for since your gf isn't communicating much during her trip. I text my gf when I fly... even right after I get thru security in the airport. And try to text within an hour of landing as well.

We generally text or IM about an hour a day total when apart. NRE shouldn't prevent this. If it would make you feel more comfortable and connected, you can surely request more communication. Express your feelings, ask her how she'd feel about being a bit more in touch, for the next time.

SoCalDoc, yeah, that was a bit crass, but I guess that's coming from your own deepest fears and imaginings. Are you speaking from compersion, or a place of jealousy?
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  #53  
Old 03-10-2012, 07:16 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KyleKat View Post
I have not looked at the book you mentioned. I know it's not strictly a female thing but that is how the general populace sees it. As it is said in TV, "That touchy feely crap". I have always been this way and I have come to terms with it a long time ago. I also learned that it's not male/female. It's unique to the person.
The idea behind the 5 love languages is that, if people in relationships learn not only what their own primary language is, but also that of their partner, each of them can have more awareness about what the other needs, how they may or may not have met those needs to let the other know they are loved. Each partner can have a variety of percentages in each love language. It can bring more harmony to the relationship to understand where people are coming from and what they look for to feel loved. You don't need to buy the book to find out what love languages are predominant for you. You and your wife can both take the assessment online here: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/. I never read the book but found the assessment illuminating.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KyleKat View Post
...I went out and got blitz drunk. After a very long night (ended at 3 AM at a friend's house) I walked to my car (a very sobering walk) and as I neared my car (which was a damn long walk away lol) I realized how upset I was...I was moments away from drunk dialing her.
Oh dear, I'd rather to have seen you drunk-dialing her than drunk driving. Be careful!
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  #54  
Old 03-10-2012, 08:43 PM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Oh dear, I'd rather to have seen you drunk-dialing her than drunk driving. Be careful!
I do not drink and drive. I had sobered up by the time I reached my car. My mind wasn't clear (obviously) but my coordination and reaction times were fine. I had stopped drinking hours before and switched to water.

I went to get my children today. They are here with me now. I texted Katie this morning and told her to call sometime to speak with the kids and she said she was planning on it anyway. Then I caved and told her she could call me if she wanted to. We spoke for a little bit before she went back to sleep. I'm glad I said something, it made me feel a lot better, but I still wish I was able to hold out the entire time. :P Oh well. I don't think she read too much into it. She knows I miss her and she misses me too.
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Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old
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  #55  
Old 03-11-2012, 02:19 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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There are no "POLY Points" for suffering endurance ....Depending on your motivation for not wanting to talk with her ....caving might be the wrong way to look at it.

Was this your idea or hers? What was the logic or reason behind it.
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  #56  
Old 03-11-2012, 06:31 AM
bassman bassman is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KyleKat View Post
Jesus. Over 1K views for this thread. That is amazing. I love you guys.
It is a pretty amazing thread so far!
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  #57  
Old 03-11-2012, 09:58 AM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
There are no "POLY Points" for suffering endurance ....Depending on your motivation for not wanting to talk with her ....caving might be the wrong way to look at it.

Was this your idea or hers? What was the logic or reason behind it.
It's not about the poly. It's about not bugging her on her vacation. Her being with him has never really been the issue (which I think I've mentioned in this thread before but I can't remember). It's that I don't get to see her for a week. But it's a vacation from myself and the kids. She's stuck at home with them all day every day and she needed a break. If I'm calling her constantly and pulling her back here, she's not going to enjoy herself. We ended up talking on the phone three times today (two were necessary, one was the one I mentioned earlier where I caved) and it actually made it worse because I knew when I was hanging up each time that it may be the last time I get to talk to her until Tuesday. I need to learn to leave well enough alone and not be so selfish.

Too long, didn't read version: I am selfish and I don't like that about myself. Her not calling me has everything to do with me and nothing to do with her, as soon by the 3 phone calls we had today.

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Originally Posted by bassman View Post
It is a pretty amazing thread so far!
Ha, thanks. More updates: I went to a concert I had been planning on going to for some time now. Holy shit. That's all I can say. It was more of a rave, I guess. Anyway, it was completely ridiculous. I was definitely able to keep my mind off current events for a little bit. I think I'll be going to more of those.
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"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is the regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." - Sydney Smith

Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old
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  #58  
Old 03-11-2012, 04:19 PM
SoCalDoc SoCalDoc is offline
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I'm new to this w more questions than answers. I had mentioned in another thread that my wife is bi, and I would enjoy it if she became romantically/sexually involved w another woman. But I would not accept/enjoy it if she wanted to be romantically/sexually involved w a man. This might seem like a contradiction, or some might say its related to insecurity, and maybe that's true. But it's mainly based on our concept of marriage and commitment. I enjoy the fact that my wife doesn't need/want intimacy w masculine energy beyond me/mine, doesn't need/want any cock but mine, etc. But obviously I can't give her the feminine energy and same sex experience she could have w another woman--this is so separate, and somehow that makes it easy for me to open up to this possibility.

But everyone is different, and I respect these differences.

I must admit though, I find myself wondering why guys get married if they plan to share their wives w other dudes. Maybe it's related to having kids or maybe the poly desires arise after they're married. This is probably just me layering my judgements and preferences onto other people.

Last edited by SoCalDoc; 03-11-2012 at 04:23 PM.
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  #59  
Old 03-11-2012, 04:32 PM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SoCalDoc View Post
I'm new to this w more questions than answers. I had mentioned in another thread that my wife is bi, and I would enjoy it if she became romantically/sexually involved w another woman. But I would not accept/enjoy it if she wanted to be romantically/sexually involved w a man. This might seem like a contradiction, or some might say its related to insecurity, and maybe that's true. But it's mainly based on our concept of marriage and commitment. I enjoy the fact that my wife doesn't need/want intimacy w masculine energy beyond me/mine, doesn't need/want any cock but mine, etc. But obviously I can't give her the feminine energy and same sex experience she could have w another woman--this is so separate, and somehow that makes it easy for me to open up to this possibility.

But everyone is different, and I respect these differences.

I must admit though, I find myself wondering why guys get married if they plan to share their wives w other dudes. Maybe it's related to having kids or maybe the poly desires arise after they're married. This is probably just me layering my judgements and preferences onto other people.
All valid and all understandable preferences. Nothing wrong with how you feel. As far as for me, my rule has always been you can have one of each without question so she could have a girlfriend as well as me and if I weren't straight I could have a boyfriend as well as her. As far as why I decided to let her be with him, it's just something we discussed and I said yes. I know she cares for him and I have asked for her to consider being poly many times. When she finally says yes who am I to pick who she wants it to be with? I married her for better or worse. I didn't buy the rights to her life choices. That's how I look at it anyway.

Getting married has always been a dream of mine. Since I was 14 I have wanted a wife and kids. I have that, and so long as I don't fuck up I will keep it. I am a singular marriage guy so if this doesn't work out for us that's it. I'll be forever unmarried. I never thought I would find someone who would accept my poly tendencies and when we had talked about it pre-marriage she had said no so I didn't think that it would ever be an issue. As this thread has hopefully suggested I'm doing well considering the circumstances. I got drunk again last night (a result of going to a rave and feeling like an idiot being the only sober person there) so I'm once again dwelling but the week is almost over and she will be home soon. Im going to make it.
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"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is the regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." - Sydney Smith

Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old

Last edited by KyleKat; 03-11-2012 at 04:35 PM.
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  #60  
Old 03-11-2012, 04:35 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SoCalDoc View Post
But it's mainly based on our concept of marriage and commitment. I like that my wife doesn't need/want intimacy w masculine energy beyond me, doesn't need/want any cock but mine, etc. But obviously I can't give her the feminine energy and same sex experience she could have w another woman--this is so separate, and somehow that makes it easy for me to open up to this possibility... I find myself wondering why guys get married if they plan to share their wives w other dudes.
Again, SoCalDoc, you word it as if the wife is a piece of property that belongs to the husband and is his to share, when she has her own mind and makes her own choices. Though a couple will make agreements to work it out or not, both people make their own choices to stay or go, or whatever.

Many men don't see it as threatening when their female partners hook up with another woman, yet see other men as a threat. Ultimately, such thinking (yes, it can be called sexist) belittles and dismisses the potential emotional involvement a woman can feel for another woman. Your wife could fall in love and leave you for a woman just as much as she could for another man. So it's a house of cards to tell yourself that a "feminine energy" isn't as much of an intrusion/change/influence/threat to the dynamic of your marriage as "masculine energy" would be. So, logic follows that a man is able to accept his wife/girlfriend in a relationship with another man. The real work to make a poly relationship successful wouldn't center around what gender or biological sex your partner's other partners are, but the communication you have with each other, level of self-understanding, and willingness to support each other on the journey.
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Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 03-11-2012 at 04:38 PM.
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