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  #41  
Old 03-09-2012, 06:52 PM
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LadyKane LadyKane is offline
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Kyle, I do have to say that reading what I have read here, it seems to me like you are handling this beautifully. I only hope that when my turn to let XIV experience someone else comes, (fairly soon... as he and a guy he likes are getting coffee as soon as they pick a day) I handle it well.

I do hope she is making an effort to make you feel loved and needed while she is with her boyfriend, though. Hope the next couple days just get easier!
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  #42  
Old 03-09-2012, 07:10 PM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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Wow, this thread blew up rather quickly. Everyone needs to calm down and just take a step back. I'll address some of the points I've read.

This morning I texted my wife and apologized for the comment about being broken by Monday. She said she knew that's who I am and didn't think anything of it. I live in a life of sarcasm and I think it bothers her from time to time but in this instance she knew I was just being me.

I do think it's harder for me than it is for her. She is going to bed with someone and waking up with someone and kissing and holding hands and hugging. I haven't had any affection all week. I am typically categorized as the female in our relationship because I am very needy and respond to touch. She prefers to be left alone. That she is with someone isn't my issue. That I have gone two days without saying I love you out loud or holding her is. But I'm a big boy and I haven't always been married so I know how to cope. I have no doubt that this is incredibly difficult for her as well but I think it's very silly to think the person that is in an amazing new place with a new friend and seeing touristy stuff is as equally lonely. If I were the one gone I would totally expect her to be the more upset of the two of us.

I don't have the kids here (grandparents! Yay!) but I am still in my house with all of my memories. I have been amazingly busy every day without any sort of downtime because I know my personality and I know of I stop for even a second it could mean I start to dwell and then just eat at myself. Does this mean I'm not ok with the situation? Absolutely not. It means that I know how to deal with my fears and I'm doing what's necessary to keep them at bay. I'm glad she's having fun. She told me its simply amazing out there. Good! I would hate to have her go and be miserable. I've told her that many times. I love her. Nothing will change that so why spend my time upset?

I appreciate everything you guys have said. There was a small misunderstanding but let's put it behind us alright? There's no need for any of you to get upset. I like the various viewpoints. It gives me perspective. That's why I wrote here. I would like to make friends on here, not cause fueds.

Edit: I frequently believe that my wife isn't giving me enough attention. Then she brings it to my attention that she has in fact done exactly what I wanted but I spend so much time worrying that I miss it when she is doing what I want. It's been one of the major things I've been working on in my life. If I made it seem like she has been ignoring me, she hasn't. She's busy, as is to be expected in one's first time in a new city. She still finds time to text. I really am doing quite well. Thanks again for the support everyone.
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Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old

Last edited by KyleKat; 03-09-2012 at 07:16 PM.
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  #43  
Old 03-09-2012, 07:52 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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SourGirl, I meant I have only seen that particular phrasing posted by men in that out of the blue context. And as early on in poly I would think of my husband as off having sex, which is a neutral non emotionally weighted term for me. However if we were having a fight/passing a new scary boundary my anger/fear would change my viewpoint to him being "off fucking". Anyway, unless any OP writes about their partner being off fucking/screwing or whatever, it just seems odd and potentially hurtful to use that phrasing.

Sorry for the continued derailment KyleKat! I was wondering, do you have at least one or two times scheduled for your wife to be able to take a bit of time out to talk on the phone? Texts are great but you SHOULD be able to tell her you love her out loud. Every day if that will make you feel better. You can keep the conversations short if you worry that you're butting into her vacation, but it's really important to ask for what you want or need, especially at the beginning, to make sure you getting the habit of working actively to get your needs and wants met.

You do seem to be doing well, I remember early nights of no sleep and uncertainty about how weird it was going to be to see my (ex)husband after HIS flight home after that first time he had sex with somebody (it was). If things get stressful you can just netflix "The Human Centipede" or something to get your mind off stuff
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  #44  
Old 03-09-2012, 08:35 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KyleKat View Post
I do think it's harder for me than it is for her. She is going to bed with someone and waking up with someone and kissing and holding hands and hugging. I haven't had any affection all week. I am typically categorized as the female in our relationship because I am very needy and respond to touch. She prefers to be left alone. That she is with someone isn't my issue. That I have gone two days without saying I love you out loud or holding her is. But I'm a big boy and I haven't always been married so I know how to cope. I have no doubt that this is incredibly difficult for her as well but I think it's very silly to think the person that is in an amazing new place with a new friend and seeing touristy stuff is as equally lonely. If I were the one gone I would totally expect her to be the more upset of the two of us.
Well, sure, it makes perfect sense that she wouldn't be "equally as lonely" as you, or feeling "more upset" than you if she's away with a new lover and having a good time. However, she isn't just away on a vacation by herself or with friends. My point was that, surely, every moment she is there, she is feeling the emotional impact of having crossed a line from monogamy to something else, and is processing emotions, coming up with questions, and doing some "heavy lifting" herself in handling the fact that the dynamics of your marriage have changed. It's so easy for other people to see the situation as one spouse off having fun and the other left home to look at four walls and cry. I was simply acknowledging that both of you are dealing with a radical shift in your relationship, but of course from your unique perspectives.

I do think you are handling this well, but I agree with Anneintherain that you don't have to bite your lip and keep yourself from asking for a daily check-in and the chance to say "I love you." Just because she's on vacation, doesn't mean she's somewhere in a vacuum and shouldn't be disturbed. If texting is enough for you, good, but if you feel you need more, ask for it.
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  #45  
Old 03-09-2012, 08:39 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Not sure, but it might have been easier if you had the kids at home with you at least some of the time, especially the older one (I think I read the youngest is just a baby). When my husband goes out of town, I use that time to do out of the ordinary things with the kids. Like, having a camp out the living room, a pizza making party, etc. After a while, the kids would start making a list or plans for the next time he was away.
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  #46  
Old 03-09-2012, 08:48 PM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
Not sure, but it might have been easier if you had the kids at home with you at least some of the time, especially the older one (I think I read the youngest is just a baby). When my husband goes out of town, I use that time to do out of the ordinary things with the kids. Like, having a camp out the living room, a pizza making party, etc. After a while, the kids would start making a list or plans for the next time he was away.
I will have the kids for most of the day Saturday. The reason I don't have the kids is because I can't watch them and work and this was easier than getting a babysitter. But I agree it would have helped to have them around. I miss them.

As far as calling her, she hates talking on the phone. She doesn't call him either. I knew up front I probably wasn't going to get to hear her voice this week. It sucks but I have the rest of my life to tell her how much I love her.

Side note, I plan on buying her a build a bear. Did I already say this? Last time we were in Chicago she wanted one but I said no because of expenses. I'm going to head to pick her up a little early so I can get it for her.
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Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old
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  #47  
Old 03-09-2012, 09:58 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KyleKat View Post
As far as calling her, she hates talking on the phone. She doesn't call him either. I knew up front I probably wasn't going to get to hear her voice this week.
There is nothing wrong with calling her just to say "Good Morning" or "Good Night" and tell her you "just needed to hear her voice", or sending her a text and saying "I miss you, I NEED to hear your voice, call me when you have a 2 minutes." Speak up and let her know what you need, acknowledge that you know she doesn't like to speak on the phone, but that you need a little more than just a text message. Make a compromise you can both be comfortable with, because right now it sounds like you are just trying to "suck it up", when a small compromise could make it SO much better.
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  #48  
Old 03-09-2012, 11:05 PM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
There is nothing wrong with calling her just to say "Good Morning" or "Good Night" and tell her you "just needed to hear her voice", or sending her a text and saying "I miss you, I NEED to hear your voice, call me when you have a 2 minutes." Speak up and let her know what you need, acknowledge that you know she doesn't like to speak on the phone, but that you need a little more than just a text message. Make a compromise you can both be comfortable with, because right now it sounds like you are just trying to "suck it up", when a small compromise could make it SO much better.
I have no doubt she would call me if I asked her. The point is that I always make her do what I wanted and we talked about it and I know she didn't have any intention of calling me. I don't want to go back on our discussions just because I like hearing her voice. I need to prove to myself as well as to her that when I say something I mean it. I've done a lot of saying one thing and doing another lately and it's been a big issue for us. I need to stick with my decisions. Next time she goes I will likely ask her to call me once a day just to say hi, love you, but this time is a test to see how we handle it and I want to be strong.
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"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is the regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." - Sydney Smith

Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old
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  #49  
Old 03-09-2012, 11:12 PM
freyamarie freyamarie is offline
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I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for sharing this experience. I wish I had gotten to read about such a thing before I got to experience it for myself.

Thank you also for modeling so well thoughtfulness. You absolutely humble my inflated ego with how amazingly mature you are....my 42 year old self often judges that someone must not be very evolved yet if they are under a certain age...and the irony is always a good wake-up call for me to see people much younger than I who are more evolved than I am just yet. You rock!
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  #50  
Old 03-10-2012, 05:03 AM
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Quote:
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I am typically categorized as the female in our relationship because I am very needy and respond to touch. She prefers to be left alone.
hey Kylekat. Have you looked at "The Five Love Languages?" Its a book that describes five love languages that we feel loved by. Being touched, cuddled, etc. is not a strictly "female" thing. For example, I live with two touch centric men and I am not. I am female. I have noted, from talking about this book, that most people feel loved when they are touched. You are one, and so are other men. Please consider your possible generalizations on this one...
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