I feel... calm? Is that right?

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by SourGirl

Woot, thought-police. My favourite.

Geez, I'm not trying to be the thought police. I am just responding to something that stood out to me, as a thing to watch out for. I'm not humorless. KyleKat actually PMed me to thank me for my input.

[SourGirl]

It wasn`t directed at you personally, nycindie. It was an overall remark to various responses.

If it was personal, I`d of quoted you.

..but since you bring it up, congrats on Kyle pm-ing you with thank you`s. Does this mean you can stop attacking thoughts different then your own ?
(Calling DH`s comment sexist ?,..Really ! Very rude. You may not like his politics or thoughts, but he would say the exact same thing to two men. (That is for him to defend for himself, though. ) Maybe you`ve forgotten to practice what you preach ? If you are preaching about how to have discussions with people, you might want to lead by example. Take that for what`s it worth. I usually like how well-spoken you are,..regardless of agreement on the subject.

For the record, I was stating the practice of painting everyone with the same brush. The tone of the thread had gone into the 'This is how it is 'type of advice, which can be dangerous on any subject. People are individuals and relationships are unique as we are all aware.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by SourGirl

Does this mean you can stop attacking thoughts different then your own ?

Who's attacking? I'm just sharing my opinion on statements made. I can't read anyone's minds to attack their thoughts. Why do some people here think that an opinion is an attack? If I had said, "You're an asshole, shut up" that might be an attack. Nor was I preaching. Can't a person share their viewpoint in a straightforward fashion without it being labeled as an attack or preaching?

Originally Posted by SourGirl

(Calling DH`s comment sexist ?,..Really ! Very rude.

I fail to see how pointing out something as being sexist -- not to DH only, but also SoCalDoc -- is rude. Two males in this thread made comments about the OP's wife Katie being off doing her thing and the OP is left to hold the bag. SoCalDoc implied that the OP's wife is his property, sent off to get fucked, and DH that she isn't struggling with the decision they made together just as much as the OP is. He says the OP is left to do the "heavy lifting," as if the woman thoughtlessly abandoned the OP for sex with someone else. In my view, both comments pander to sexist roles of husband and wife. In my view, both seem to dismiss her as a person who has her own mind and that she and the OP chose this together. Yeah, I call that sexist. So sue me. But I'm not attacking anyone and have no desire to do so. Like I said, it's just my opinion, so take it or leave it.

Originally Posted by SourGirl

The tone of the thread had gone into the 'This is how it is 'type of advice, which can be dangerous on any subject.

Oh, surprise, surprise. SourGirl isn't happy with the tone of a thread and has to educate us all on how to do it right. Talk about preaching... sigh.

[SourGirl]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Who's attacking? I'm just sharing my opinion on statements made. I can't read anyone's minds to attack their thoughts. Why do some people here think that an opinion is an attack? If I had said, "You're an asshole, shut up" that might be an attack.

Well you did use profanity as leverage, on a thread preaching how we talk to people.
Right. So why not just fucking say what's bothering you instead of pretending it doesn't and making a joke about it which gets under the skin?

Originally Posted by nycindie

I fail to see how pointing out something as being sexist -- not to DH only, but also SoCalDoc -- is rude. Two males in this thread made comments about the OP's wife Katie being off doing her thing and the OP is left to hold the bag. SoCalDoc implied that the OP's wife is his property, sent off to get fucked, and DH that she isn't being thoughtful or isn't struggling with the decision they made together, that the OP is left to do the "heavy lifting." Both comments pander to sexist roles of husband and wife. Both seem to dismiss her as a person who has her own mind and that she and the OP chose this together. Yeah, I call that sexist. So sue me.

Would if I could.

I admit, I am putting my own rules of interaction onto you here. However I have to ask, isn`t it some kind of irony ? Here you are offering advice/opinions on how to interact with people over passive-aggressive wording, or emotionally charged discussions, yet it doesn`t seem to move you, that one of the things we as society should be careful of, is emotionally-charged labels such as 'racist' or 'sexist' ? You are assuming, and faulting him for something he would of equally said to two men. He posts often enough that it is general knowledge. Having a different point of view then you, does not make the remark sexist, unless he eluded, or out-right stated, that she was doing it simply because she is a woman, and he is a man.
It does however, make you equally as guilty of sexism, as what you accuse him to be.
However, AnneInTheRain out-right stated, that she only see`s men do 'this'. There is no sexist out-cry there, as she is supporting your point.

And so, the double-standard is set. Talk about damned if ya do, damned if ya don`t.

There is a difference between having an opinion, and being opinionated. 'Opinions' comes with responsibility.

..Don`t I know it !

[dingedheart]

I just thought that context and history would play a huge factor in that remark. Also there are a lot people who see passive aggressive around every corner and co dependency in every shadow. I'm too direct to be passive aggressive.

Sexist ...really. I was thinking of a "person " sitting home alone ...with his kids, empty bed, pictures hanging on the walls, cloths in the closets ....Its WAY FUCKING different than ...off in a different city...someone else s home ...Constant distraction ...Seem that the "PERSON " stay home is going to do the heavy lifting ....Whatever the sex of that person. You've never been in this position......so til you have might want to back of the sexist crap.


Now ...an equal situation would be ....they both leave for 10days in different directions to explore new lovers ... This way the triggers of the house or home aren't there ...pictures on the wall of wife or husband taring you in the face. Both have their own built in distractions and can focus on the new partners.

[SourGirl]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Oh, surprise, surprise. SourGirl isn't happy with the tone of a thread and has to educate us all on how to do it right. Talk about preaching... sigh.

People call me on my shit all the time. I am grateful for it.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by SourGirl

Well you did use profanity as leverage, on a thread preaching how we talk to people.
Right. So why not just fucking say what's bothering you instead of pretending it doesn't and making a joke about it which gets under the skin?

Oh, I just like the F-word. And I wasn't preaching about how to talk to people. I cautioned the OP to look at what's behind his jokes, as a way to understand himself better and prevent possibly sabotaging his relationship with his wife, and expressed my dismay at sexism I saw in others' remarks, with the intention of illuminating a viewpoint that perhaps they hadn't thought of. Preaching? No, I really don't give a fuck if anyone agrees with me or not. Oops, there's the F-word again!

Originally Posted by SourGirl

However I have to ask, isn`t it some kind of irony ? Here you are offering advice/opinions on how to interact with people over passive-aggressive wording, or emotionally charged discussions, yet it doesn`t seem to move you, that one of the things we as society should be careful of, is emotionally-charged labels such as 'racist' or 'sexist' ?

Really, I didn't know I was supposed to be careful not to use those terms. I didn't know the word was so emotionally charged that a person can't let someone know when they see something as sexist. Sexism is so rampant in this society. It's everywhere, why not point it out. I don't see any irony.

Originally Posted by SourGirl

You are assuming, and faulting him for something he would of equally said to two men. He posts often enough that it is general knowledge.

It isn't general knowledge to me that he would have said the same thing about a man. Again, I was not calling DH or SoCalDoc sexists, but stated that the ideas they expressed were sexist, or at least seemed sexist to me.

Originally Posted by SourGirl

Having a different point of view then you, does not make the remark sexist, unless he eluded, or out-right stated, that she was doing it simply because she is a woman, and he is a man.

Well, my perspective is all I have to go on, and it seemed pretty sexist to me, so I stand by it. I don't think it's rude to say something is sexist. I supposed I should have clarified that it is sexist in my opinion, but no one else needs to agree with me.

Originally Posted by SourGirl

It does however, make you equally as guilty of sexism, as what you accuse him to be.
However, AnneInTheRain out-right stated, that she only see`s men do 'this'. There is no sexist out-cry there, as she is supporting your point.

And so, the double-standard is set. Talk about damned if ya do, damned if ya don`t.

So, my mistake is in uttering the word "sexist?" Because I'm supposed to be careful about it? But if I say men do this or women do that, it's not the same as saying something is sexist? This does not make any sense to me whatsoever.

Originally Posted by SourGirl

There is a difference between having an opinion, and being opinionated. 'Opinions' comes with responsibility.

Yeah... and I don't think I was being irresponsible at all in contributing to this thread. My intention has been to be helpful, not preachy. If that doesn't come across, well, maybe I give up.

[SourGirl]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Yeah... and I don't think I was being irresponsible at all in contributing to this thread. My intention has been to be helpful, not preachy. If that doesn't come across, well, maybe I give up.

I already and originally, stated you called the comment sexist, not them. You don`t have to live by my, or anyone else`s view of what is right or wrong. I also don`t see fault in your intentions, just the result.

You are entitled to not only your opinion, but your beliefs. I had just hoped you would be more responsible with words like sexism. Maybe ask for clarification, before ruling it as so. NOTHING he said had any link to sexism. The questioning was in line with whatever 'partner' was at home.
Tossing 'sexism' around, anytime we don`t like what we hear, is also irresponsible. I don`t agree with the use of words like racist, sexist, bigot, etc., being used so flippantly. It seems to be ok to some people, but not to me.

This little debate started, because you assumed I was stating something personal, when I wasn`t. Now you don`t like what you read, and seem perplexed ? You asked, I answered.

Edit to add : I`ve derailed the thread enough, and I`ve made any point I wanted to make. If there is anymore need for debate, feel free to PM. For now, the weather is smartening up outside, and I need to get back to work.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by dingedheart

Sexist ...really. I was thinking of a "person " sitting home alone ...with his kids, empty bed, pictures hanging on the walls, cloths in the closets ....Its WAY FUCKING different than ...off in a different city...someone else s home ...Constant distraction ...Seem that the "PERSON " stay home is going to do the heavy lifting ....Whatever the sex of that person. You've never been in this position......so til you have might want to back of the sexist crap.

Well, I don't think sexism is crap, but you are right - I have never been in that position so I may have misunderstood your post. I apologize. Maybe the "heavy lifting" phrase confused me. I took your comment and SoCalDoc's as having something to do with traditional roles of husband and wife - hence, I saw sexism. In my marriage, I had been apart and longing for my husband when he was on business trips, but we were never poly so I don't know how it feels to know a spouse is with someone else intimately. But it does sound like the OP was finding some distractions and being with someone else for company, so that is good. I just took exception to the seeming assumption that his wife wasn't in just as much turmoil or struggling with it as he might be, just because she was the one away and with someone else. I know for myself, no one ever seems to be able to tell how much something is bothering me because I learned to hide it well. Maybe that's why I learned to speak my mind rather bluntly.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by SourGirl

Tossing 'sexism' around, anytime we don`t like what we hear, is also irresponsible. I don`t agree with the use of words like racist, sexist, bigot, etc., being used so flippantly. It seems to be ok to some people, but not to me.

I disagree that I "tossed around" the word or used it flippantly. I may have misunderstood what was stated and may have been incorrect in using it, but it was my viewpoint at the time, not used without forethought, and I felt it was valid when I posted it. In my previous post I admiited to misconstruing DH's intent and apologized. However, just because you don't like the word and believe that people should be careful with it, doesn't mean when someone else uses it that it is being "tossed around" irresponsibly or flippantly. I would see it as more of a big deal if people didn't speak up when they perceived sexism than when they do.