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  #21  
Old 03-04-2012, 10:53 PM
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Good thought about residential work. A friend of mine found herself in a really crazy place a couple of years back and rather than let her crappy job and her bad relationship and her unstable financial position continue to drive her into therapy, she completely changed course and found farms to live and work on through a network called WWOOOF (world wide opportunities on organic farms). Her life is nothing like conventional now, but she's deeply happy and excited -- after traveling the country on basically no money for a year and a half she's now living with an intentional community, learning new skills, making lots of friends and exploring the possibilities for her future.
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  #22  
Old 03-05-2012, 12:39 AM
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A few years back I once sneaked on my b/f's (now husband) Facebook because I 'knew' something wasn't quite right. Confirmed my suspicions that he was heavily flirting with a woman at his old place of employment (they even got as far as making out). Not my finest hour but I'm glad I did it. In the end, I was the one who gave him the ultimatum. No more lies of that magnitude or we can't be together.

I think your wife's transgressions are far worse than yours. Why cheat if your relationship is open in the first place? My hubby sometimes has a hard time with being truthful if it means pissing me off or hurting my feelings. I forgive little white lies on occasion but never again will he attempt to cheat on me or he's out, that's clear. If he fancies someone, I want him to talk to me...not go behind my back. I need honesty if I'm going to trust him.
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  #23  
Old 03-05-2012, 05:08 AM
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This woman sounds as if she really just doesn't care what you think or feel. It sounds as if she doesn't think you are worth anything and that she can do whatever because of it. She sounds addicted to cheating and doesn't know or care to work on that and instead is turning it around and making you the one that is to blame in this (likely because she thinks you are worthless and a failure). This is really very sad.

You are not worthless, you are not a failure and you can do better. Stop proving to her and yourself that you are not able to rise to the occasion of being an responsible adult and get moving on making you life better. I have a hard time believing that there is no job for you out there. Why is it that you are not working? What is going on that you have not accomplished this? Ask yourself these questions and get on with doing something about it.

Where were you before you met her? If you could live without her before, you will live without her now. She is not healthy for you it seems to me. A warm body sleeping beside you is not a relationship. It sounds like you are unable to take care of yourself let alone a healthy relationship. I think you need to focus on your relationship with yourself first by making some moves in life to better your situation.
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  #24  
Old 03-05-2012, 12:30 PM
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I think it is impossible for us here to comment on the other people in your life. They all have needs, gaps which drive their behaviour.
Focus on you. The opinions of other will only hurt if you have a bad relationship with yourself.
I'm not sure if you're in UK or US. But the Farm contact above looks cool. Hard work but great fun. I've done that. It's a way of stepping away from all the noise of life. Stepping away from all the people who know your history, all the baggage and just starting with a clean slate, getting to know who you are and deciding free from constraints who you want to be.
I've worked with ex-offenders and their biggest weakness is the people they surround themselves with because those people do not want to see them to turn their lives around because then they'd feel bad about their own choices. It's a vicious circle. Step out of it as soon as you can. Be the best you can be.
I do understand that need for human closeness and physical loneliness is tough. It doesn't sound like you were nurtured as a child and that need will feel very real and painful. But you are with a woman who is there but making you feel even more lonely.
Good luck. Be strong.
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  #25  
Old 03-05-2012, 09:59 PM
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It occurs to me that you are with a woman that sounds a lot like your mother.
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  #26  
Old 03-05-2012, 10:42 PM
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She really does love me and I want to make it work. I am going to tell her if she wants me to trust her she has to give me reasons to trust her. I don't see why you think she's like my mother though.
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  #27  
Old 03-05-2012, 11:32 PM
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Ultimatums have no place in a mature loving relationship.
Listening, adapting, respect, empathy, compassion are what I would look for and hope to find.
To know you have caused hurt and respond with an ultimatum....?
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  #28  
Old 03-06-2012, 05:54 AM
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She says she just meant I had to start working on my distrust by Sunday and she says I smother her and she needs time alone but every time she goes out I get all paranoid which is true. Every time she goes out I wonder if she is really going where she said and if she is just off sleeping with some guy.
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  #29  
Old 03-06-2012, 07:03 AM
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your mother sleeps around and you believe she does also... if she does I would wonder if you pick women who are like your mother. I am not you, I don't know... I am simply pointing out something I am wondering about. If it is not the case, then its not the case.... just a thought.
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  #30  
Old 03-06-2012, 07:07 AM
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Well I may have slightly exaggerated how much my mom sleeps around. Her boyfriend is a douchebag and she is only with him because if she leaves him she loses her job so I don't really see it as cheating when she sleeps with other people because he deserves it. He's abusive and a crackhead and a liar.
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