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Old 03-03-2012, 08:37 AM
Bells Bells is offline
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 13
Default Everything and everyone is just moving to fast and I don't know how to slow it down

So this is my first time having a serious, open from the very beginning, relationship. There is absolutely nothing 'wrong' in my relationships, a little jealousy here and there but more of a passing thought than an actual problem. However, I just feel things are moving way to fast.

My boyfriend met and started seeing his other girlfriend (who is only casually seeing other people) less than a month after we got together. I like her, we get along, and I still get enough attention from him as I want/need, as I said before there is nothing 'wrong'. It has been only a couple months since then and while I do not want them to stop seeing each other I want to ask him to slow the relationship down. I don't feel like we ever got fully comfortable as a couple before adding in another person and with us talking a lot lately about future plans I want to make sure I have a solid foundation with him.

On the other hand I am doing the exact same thing as him. When we met I had just started dating someone and was casually seeing someone else. The guy I was dating got freaked out by the open thing and backed off for a while but is now back in my life (but has no interest and being with anyone other than me). So I have my two boyfriends and I casually see other people. I don't know what I would do if he asked me to slow things down with my other partner like I want to ask him to do. It is just happening to quickly.

I feel like I am drowning in people talking about how they feel about me, how they see their future with me in it. I have had to start color coding my calendar to keep straight when I am seeing who. I wanted to gently ease into this after a previous relationship opening up and going south shortly after but that just isn't happening.

I should just be happy with my good fortune meeting these great people but I just feel like the timing is all off and it is stressing me out. All of these brand new relationships all at once. Tonight I was seriously considering just putting an end to the whole open relationship thing, saying it is just more than I can handle. But I care about everyone involved and there isn't a single person I want to see leave my life.

How do I slow things down without sounding like I am trying to end things between anyone? Is it even possible to form two new relationships at the same time?
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Old 03-03-2012, 09:06 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
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Okay, breathe. Relax. Google Calendar is your friend.

It is possible to start two relationships at once, as long as you're not putting their needs before your own. Don't say yes when you mean no. Tell the truth. You can let someone know that you can't see them because you are busy, or that you need some time alone -- a friend of mine says, "I'm taking a mental health day." Don't feel like you have to hide when you want a day or evening by yourself or with your platonic friends.

I think, for me, I would look at my week and the commitments I have to myself and prioritize those first (like school, work, family), and then figure out how often I can see the people I'm dating and fit them into the other days/nights around my schedule. It might be that one person can see you twice a week, and another only once a week, and there's nothing wrong with that.

As far as wanting your bf to slow down with his other gf, is this because you don't feel like you have his full attention when you're together? There are ways to make sure you are both investing your energies in cultivating the relationship you have - first, by talking, and also by making requests for things that would make you more comfortable with it, like no texting the gf on dates with you, for example.

Really, though, I think if you schedule time for yourself and make sure you aren't spread too thin, that will take care of a lot of issues.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
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Old 03-03-2012, 09:47 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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One thing you could do is to just schedule regular dates with one of your partners (maybe the one with the more complicated schedule), and let ones with anybody else you are dating be more spontaneous (with the more flexible schedule). I find having one set date each week with my husband, and one with my boyfriend, leaves me a lot of flexibility in my schedule to make additional plans with either them, or friends, or to take time for myself (I try to schedule Sundays just for me, for instance) etc. When I have more than a few things on the schedule more than a week or two out, I find it incredibly stressful, so that might be useful.

I've never started relationships with two people at the same time, although I have decided against continuing to date somebody once when they were obviously in NRE with a new person they were seeing. Not because I don't think it can't be done, but I'd prefer feeling people aren't distracted by that when I'm getting to know them. So I'm looking forward to reading any responses about that.
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
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Old 03-03-2012, 10:08 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern Cali
Posts: 552

My first thought was to ask for a general slow down for EVERYONE- you and he, he and gf, you and bf, and anyone you're each seeing casually. And maybe you don't need to ask him and gf to slow down. Maybe slowing down things for yourself and explaining how you expect it to be helpful for you will be enough to get him on board with the idea of a general slow down all around. Because ultimately you can't dictate his relationship with her (not that I think you're trying to do that), you can only make relationship decisions for yourself. Just make sure that you communicate to everyone YOU'RE involved with what you've decided to do so they don't think you've disappeared or are ignoring/avoiding them!

ETA: And I definitely second everything nycindie and anne said.
Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack
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Old 03-04-2012, 01:25 PM
strixish strixish is offline
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 50

I did this-- I started one relationship (well, with a couple) and then started seeing another guy within a few months. The thing that helped was that I really was only seeking secondary-ish relationships with all involved. (hierarchy is a complicated topic, but worked for me to keep my head straight.) It also helped to have a set schedule early on.

AND to schedule some nights alone. This is crucial.

A relationship should progress at the pace of the slowest person (sexually, and emotionally). You can set the pace. Good luck.
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Old 03-04-2012, 03:17 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is online now
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Location: Metro West Massachusetts
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Last fall I suddenly got really polysaturated like you are. (See recent posts in my blog here for details.) I have a primary, we spend half the week together, and then one month after another, 3 lovely men came into my life.

I've had several bfs before, but most of them were a once every 3 or 4 weeks date deal. Two of my 3 new guys wanted to see me once a week this time!

I finally worked it out to see Ginger once a week and the Gent about every other week. Sadly, though luckily, the Hottie decided to go mono with his other lady friend and recently broke up with me.

It was hard work those first few months making time for everyone, and time for myself to recharge as well, and do other activities, like work! and volunteer, and shop, and auto maintenance and all that stuff.

Now things are settling into a nice pattern. Not to say it was all hard work. It's been great! Fun! Fabulous!

Maybe you could put the more casual bfs on hold for 2-3 weeks and focus on the beloveds and see how that goes for a bit.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62), dating... again!
Pixi (poly, F, 40) my darling nesting partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013
Kahlo (my ex, 46)
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Old 03-04-2012, 07:57 PM
CuriousMuse CuriousMuse is offline
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 11
Default Crikey guys!

If there were ever a thread to make me think I am not cut out for Poly this is it
I have trouble organising my single life right now. Involving one person let alone more and having to fit around their others ... wow. Making me feel like becoming a recluse!
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Old 03-05-2012, 04:49 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Don't forget to schedule dates with yourself. This was what got me out of feeling crazy. I wasn't remembering me time and as I am the most important person in the equation. I was going crazy without time to catch up, relax, think, and treat myself. It made all the difference. That and not seeing everyone as much until I felt settled.
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Old 03-05-2012, 03:55 PM
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FrankLee FrankLee is offline
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 48
Default Sensory and emotional overload

I completely understand Bells feelings of too many too fast. I think I must be a pretty slow entry and recovery type myself. As I've mentioned in my post above, I've been alone for 1 1/2 yrs. and am just beginning to think about reconnecting. For me, polyamory is more of an attitude than a cafeteria.
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Old 03-05-2012, 04:06 PM
CuriousMuse CuriousMuse is offline
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 11

Originally Posted by FrankLee View Post
I completely understand Bells feelings of too many too fast. I think I must be a pretty slow entry and recovery type myself. As I've mentioned in my post above, I've been alone for 1 1/2 yrs. and am just beginning to think about reconnecting. For me, polyamory is more of an attitude than a cafeteria.
Now there is an attitude I love! Not in a hurry and fine with that. 'slow entry and recovery' works for me on so many levels
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calendar, time management

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