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Old 02-25-2010, 01:33 AM
Kuma Kuma is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Greensboro, NC
Posts: 3
Default Boundary/jealousy issues

I'm in my first poly relationship and everything was going swimmingly until recently.

I was nervous about meeting my gf's other partners because despite the fact that I've always been casual about sex I've never told someone "I love you" with the knowledge that they are sleeping with other people regularly. Eventually I did meet them, and I love them. Great guys and girls. I have had some brief liasons during the time we've been dating, but no serious partners besides my gf.

More recently one of her other partners also became her roommate. Now if I go to see her, I always wind up spending time with him as well. That's not terrible, but she doesn't like driving and we live a half hour apart; so it's rare that she spends time at my place. Recently my car was destroyed and I'm now using a bicycle as a primary transport. This means that my opportunities to come see her are more restricted than ever, and I almost always have to hang out with the other partner.

I'm a typical guy on the issue of threesomes. I don't mind more women in the room, but men creep me out on a very fundamental level. I've given it a lot of thought and I just don't think it's something I'm going to get past. I know that it's a fantasy of my gf's to be with two men at once, and I know that the partner she lives with would be willing. I'm finding it increasingly uncomfortable, at one point showing up to her house (expected) and starting to wake her up with oral sex only to have her push me away with the explanation that she had sex recently and hadn't cleaned up yet. Another time she started to give me oral sex while the other partner was off checking the mail, but tried to keep going when we heard him coming back. I've broached the topic with her to say that, essentially, I have no interest in my sex life ever coming into direct contact with another man's sex life (or presence). I think that issue is laid to rest, but a couple of incidents like the ones above have made it stick in my head pretty much all the time.

The other issue is that she recently had an ex die, and despite having hated him she has been suffering over his memory. I can't blame her for that, and don't want to (I think it's sweet), but she has been so busy with job hunting and grieving (for a guy she actively despised when he was alive) that I haven't seen her in over two weeks. I am frankly a good deal more occupied than she is with a week jam-packed full of classes and social obligations but I manage to send her a text or email every couple days to keep in touch and make sure she's okay. I haven't gotten anything but a few brief replies, and to be honest my feelings are hurt. It's not even that I want her to leave her comfort zone, I'd find a way to come see her if I could just get in touch and find a good time. I'm a physical guy, hugs brighten my day and sex is nearly as necessary for me as breathing. I've been half-heartedly looking for a local partner to spend time with, but I'm distracted by how much I miss the girl I'm already dating. We get along amazingly, love one another, and she's given no indication that she's unhappy (and she's not the type to bottle it up) so I can't understand how it would be overwhelming to spend 5 minutes writing an email longer than two lines. On top of that, I genuinely want to be there for her while she's feeling bad but I can't if she won't talk to me or give me the opportunity to see her. In the back of my head, I know that her other partners, who live with her or down the street, are seeing her every day and that adds some sting to the whole thing.

I don't want to have a serious "us" talk so soon after the last one (about 1 penis in the room) and I know I can be kinda sensitive for a dude, so I thought I'd ask if people here think I'm overreacting or being clingy. I know that if she wanted to break up she'd just say so but I don't know if there's a point in saying that you're dating someone when you haven't even seen their face in half a month. We kept in better touch while I was overseas for a year. =/

It should be noted that I have baggage like most people. I have abandonment issues and I'm not very good at sharing my feelings (except in an anonymous format, so thanks for this), usually preferring to make a joke and keep things light. This is eating me up. I wouldn't know what to think if a friend was being this distant, much less a lover. BUT. I refuse to be the partner who blows your phone up when they're feeling insecure. I've tried to give her space during a time when she evidently needs it by keeping those emails and so on to a minimum. She seems to be better at handling a lack of me better than I handle a lack of her though, and I don't know how to feel about that.

If this keeps up much longer, I don't know if there's much point in pretending we're something other than friends with benefits. Which is breaking my heart and making it difficult to focus on anything else. Honestly, I don't even know if I want advice as much as I wanted to get this stuff off my chest. And the person I usually go to when I'm feeling conflicted is my gf...

Last edited by Kuma; 02-25-2010 at 01:46 AM.
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Old 02-25-2010, 02:02 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231

Originally Posted by Kuma View Post
I'm a typical guy on the issue of threesomes. I don't mind more women in the room, but men creep me out on a very fundamental level. I've given it a lot of thought and I just don't think it's something I'm going to get past. I know that it's a fantasy of my gf's to be with two men at once, and I know that the partner she lives with would be willing.
Hey Kuma - and welcome to the forum.

Just want to comment on the quoted piece of your post because I think you need to do some honest evaluating here.

I think your statement about homophobia being "typical" may be a bit of a stretch. Granted, it's been much a part of western culture for some time and I think it's much more prevalent in younger age groups in that culture. But (as you discovered-i.e. partner would be willing) it's hard to exactly pin down how much of it is cultural bravado and how much is truly ingrained and embraced.
Sexual preference is a very individual thing but phobias of ANY kind are another matter. We won't go down the path of playing psychologist or psychiatrist - you can do that research yourself if you choose and draw your own conclusions.

But in this case you have to consider whether your homophobia is - or is going to- have an impact on your possible relationship with your GF. For a lot of people who have put serious effort into understanding sexuality, homophobia will be viewed much like a disease. Should you choose to continue to embrace that - that's fine. Just be big enough to accept the consequences that come with that choice. Because it IS very much a choice.
And just for clarity's sake - "being with two guys at once" does not HAVE to entail any guy/guy contact . But if you have insecurities so deep you wouldn't shower in the locker room with other guys - well....you may have a problem. Nuff said.
And just for informational purposes - keep in mind that many girls have the same fantasies guys have regarding multiple partners and what interactions may occur between same gender pairings. It's the old "what's good for the goose is good for the gander" phenom. Forewarned is forearmed

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Old 02-25-2010, 02:21 PM
JustAGirl JustAGirl is offline
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 11


You do sound like you're in a difficult place right now. I can feel how heavy your heart is while I read some of your words.

I'm not going to address the content of what you're saying, but I'm going to ask you to look at the overall emotion that's there. It's all pretty negative, wouldn't you agree?

As a happy chick, I don't want to hang around with people whose thoughts are wallowing in the negative very often. I want to hang out with people who have energy and stories about their adventures during the day, and who have light and sparkle in their eyes.

I realize you can't always be in that place, but I wonder - do you strive for it, or have you been caught in the negative place for a while now?

Tell me about the books that you read (or listen to, if you like me prefer audio format). Do you listen to any Men's-issues podcasts that you find motivational?

What are you feeding your brain, aside from the circle of negative thoughts?
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Old 02-25-2010, 03:36 PM
Kuma Kuma is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Greensboro, NC
Posts: 3

Thank you both for your replies. I'll answer them in order.

Grounded: I don't actually consider myself a homophobe. This would imply that I have issues with homosexuality as a general concept or homosexual people, right? That's not my problem. I do feel awkward showering at the gym, since you mention it, but I get by. Having another man watch me take part in sexual activity or vice versa gives me a more extreme feeling of discomfort; but I would expect that because it's a much more personal matter. It's how I'm built and I'm upfront about it. I'm not going to flip out if a guy hits on me, I just don't want to mix things up with them. I don't consider that a character flaw either, just an aspect of my sexuality. Keep in mind that I don't bug my girlfriend for ffm threesomes, she actually enjoys them and introduced me to them. I'm just not willing to go mmf, even if there's no contact between the men it would make me uncomfortable. /shrug
As for "what's good for the goose", let me reiterate that I don't actively pursue any kind of threesome. I'm just willing in the case of women, and not all women for that matter. I have no problem agreeing to NO threesomes of any kind.

Justagirl: Well, yes. It's all negative because I'm upset about it. If you're asking whether this is a trend for me, then the answer would be: sometimes. I have about the same highs and lows as another person, if there's anything unhealthy about it it's probably that I try not to let it show most of the time. This is part of what's bothering me, I'm normally the partner who puts his arm around his gf and lets her know it's going to be alright. I like being that guy, it makes me feel good to know I made a difference for her. I wouldn't be so vain as to say that seeing me is my gf's primary means of dealing with stress, but I certainly don't think I add to it regularly. I listen to a lot of pandora.com, so my music tastes are eclectic whether I like it or not. The stations I've been listening to lately are Ratatat, Romantic Period Opera, Portishead, and M.I.A. Book-wise I haven't been able to read for leisure in months. Instead I spend a lot of time studying linguistics, history, and sociology.

I don't listen to motivational anything, or podcasts. I tend to find asking for specific advice a lot more useful than listening to "help" shows or something like that. I listen to Dr. Drew occasionally because it's funny, but I usually lose interest quickly.

Basically I'm feeding my brain the info it needs to (finally) graduate college. My music list helps me block out the world so I can write papers. The social obligations I mentioned are activities with friends, which honestly are a lot of fun and make me feel great until someone innocently asks, "I haven't seen Rachel* in a while, is she out of town?" Which will probably happen some time this weekend, and I'll have to reply that I'm not sure what's up, I haven't seen her in three weeks.

*Not her real name.
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